Symptoms worsening at first?

[ah]

Hi,

Urm, so... has anyone else here felt much, much, much worse once you started seriously reading about c-ptsd?

At first it was a huge relief to know what's going on inside my head and why I've been so tortured. But now it's like I just have more and more flashbacks.

To be honest part of it is because I have to live with one of my past abusers. So I have no place to truly be completely safe. But... I've lived with them till now and it hasn't been quite this bad.

Just wondering if you did anything that helped. If it's a temporary thing, awareness feeling awful but then getting better (please say yes!!!), I feel like I'm drowning in emotional pain. It takes me forever to calm my body and mind down from one long loop of flashbacks, then another begins the second I look away and dare to do something else. It's exhausting.

I don't think I can afford therapy so that's not a realistic option right now.

Thanks

[Blueberry]

Yes, unfortunately I can totally relate to symptoms getting worse. Even now sometimes just a sentence I read in a book on healing will trigger me.

Living with one of your past abusers will likely make it harder for you. As you read about C-PTSD and realise this that and the other but you're not completely safe - it's not surprising that you're beginning to feel worse. Please note, I am in no way criticising you for still living with a past abuser. I remained in contact with family-of-origin for a long, long time despite the fact that they are a load of abusers and enablers, and I'm still accepting financial support, because I need it. You will have your reasons for still living with past abusers.

It might help you to read less (of what's triggering you), read a bit more slowly and take breaks to re-ground. For me, regrounding involves stamping my feet, pushing against walls.
Someone else on here uses the 5 senses. I'm not sure of the correct order, but something like See 5 Things, Feel 4 Things, Hear 3 Things, Smell 2 Things, Taste 1 Thing. Re-grounding brings us back into our body, back into the Present Day. It also can be good just to remind yourself that you are in the present day. "Today is the 28th of Sept. 2017 and my abuser is no longer actually abusing me, I am safe / safer. I'm remembering the past only, not living it." Some people wrap themselves tightly in a blanket or hold a stuffed animal. Or of course try a mix of these. If you're not used to re-grounding, it may take a while. My mind/body/psyche is used to it by now, so it works faster than it used to.
For more ideas, check out The Healing Porch http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6910.msg50980#new This is a place you can come and sit in your imagination.

Good luck with this. I'm interested if any of this is helpful for you, or if you find another solution.

[ah]

Thanks so much! I'll try. I too have read of grounding using the 5 senses and I do try to use it too, it helps. I guess for dealing with past abuse these ideas should help a great deal but maybe with current abuse not much can help.

I can understand this could maybe be hard to imagine, but any of us can lose all of our freedom of choice. It happened to me, what happened was my body suffered so much emotional + physical abuse over so many years that it's broken and disabled now. I'm unable to move away because I can't move.

It's not a choice to stay. It's a pain inflicted on me. My life is often a living *, I didn't choose this * just like no one here chose theirs.

Mine is just... prolonged? Maybe never, ever, ever to end? It makes me feel like a freak, even here among people who suffered what I suffered I feel I can't ever really be one of you. I don't know if this feeling is realistic but it does nag me. I read people's stories and read things in past tense and think "Oh god, what did I do to deserve this endless cycle of abuse?" but that appears to be my lot in life.

But I have my mind. When I manage to calm it down I concentrate and have myself. Sometimes. And in my mind I've totally changed my habits, so I no longer allow any sort of abuse toward me. I set boundaries, which I didn't know how to do before. So some of my past abusers have gotten the message and changed, they respect my boundaries or else... but I still find them really triggering. It's still really unenjoyable.

But it doesn't work with all, not with the ones I've gone no contact with but they still stalk me. Some have literally promised me they'll keep hunting me down for life. I... I can't speak "crazy" so I can't grasp what runs around inside these psychopaths' skulls. I just sigh and feel like a total freak. They're the freaks, and I feel like one. Yikes!!!

So usually, I'm emotionally numb. I don't know why I have to continue to suffer endlessly. I guess it's a meaningless question...

Sorry if I seem mostly numb... I guess I am.

These forums are the one place where I can be me, PHEW...

[sanmagic7]

hey, ah, maybe you didn't realize it but you have put some of your abuse in the past, just like you've read about others.  setting boundaries and enforcing them - that's huge!!!  that is definitely relegating some of the abuse to the past.

we all have it different, that's for sure.  all we can do is make the best of the cards we're dealt.  i know that sounds like a cliche, and maybe trifling, but i don't mean it that way in the least.   there are things i've read about here that others have experienced or have to deal with and i never have.  likewise, vice versa. 

you've got a lot of strength, i can hear it, and i give you so much credit for hanging in there against such terrible odds, some of which may seem/be insurmountable.  by the by, i, too, experienced symptoms getting much worse after beginning recovery.  the more i learned, the more there was to deal with.  fortunately/unfortunately, i'm still learning, and stuff is still coming at me. 

but, other things are calming down the more i get used to dealing with them, so that's the upside.  while it's tough to continue living with your abuser, you are putting practices into place that are helping keep the abuse at a much lower level than it used to be.  well done.  you can take pride in that accomplishment, and let it motivate you to keep going.

we're all here for you, standing right beside you.  small steps, but each one counts.      and you're not alone.

[woodsgnome]

I resonate with your post, ah, on several levels. I am also a freeze sort, and numbness was a prime outcome that characterized my outlook for a long time. I did live with an abuser for a while until I found an escape route via employment a fair distance away (outer space would be the only place I'd have felt totally safe, though).

Also like you, I started tackling the available literature and other materials about my disappointment, heartbreak, depression, and general fear of people. But I remained numb and avoidant too, in part as I realized what a tough row this could be. I was very close to just giving up.

Finally I went to someone for 'spiritual counseling' (lots of my avoidance was trying to be spiritual; long story but it was an abysmal failure). The counselor spotted what was then known only as multiple ptsd right off. It still took years to wade through the extent both of what had happened and the damage left in the wake of it all. Paradoxically I ended up in a vocation where I worked with people alright, but my 'bubble' of self-protection never felt safe to be out of either.

Moving forward was like a roller-coaster of up/down-push/pull emotions (at least I discovered I had emotions, but they were deep inside, tucked out of harm's way. I had a rough go when it came to trying to shed the bubble. Nonetheless there were times when things seemed better, followed by severe pushbacks in the classic one step ahead, several back routine.

This zig-zag seems to resemble what your experience must be like, seeing daylight but always from within the darkness. While I had lots of anxiety, I actually began to regard it as sort of a good thing, as it kept me alert to things too. S.l.o.w.l.y it felt like my understanding was at least on the rise, even as my comfort zone wasn't. This is frustratingly still the case, but it feels like there's more uptick now.

Setbacks seem to arise on their own, but I'm working to accept their presence better and try to regard these natural negative vibes in a spirit of invitation. The invite is to stay open to alternatives, whether that be a form of meditation or journaling or other self-care measures. 

Perhaps that doesn't sound very hopeful, especially in the short term, but somehow it seems like I've lurched towards some form of wholeness about this insanity, including the steps backward. I did find a therapist who's been instrumental in helping me see these other options. I'm lucky to have a reduced level of expense for this, though; and realize that's not available everywhere.

Here's to finding a way...as sanmagic7 indicated, you do seem to have made a start and hopefully that will turn a corner for you towards better times. 

[ah]

sanmagic7,

Duh! Thanks so much. It never would have occurred to me I might be getting better. I guess self hatred has been lying about that too... how sneaky. Bad self hatred, bad!

woodsgnome,

I started to understand, when I read your words, how my feelings (and maybe yours too, in the beginning?) are extreme. Either feeling nothing/ too little, or exploding into a full blown loop of endless flashbacks. Till I started reading about it I used to call them "my waves of shame". The tiniest thing would throw me into a new wave and down I went into my rabbit hole of misery for hours, sometimes months. Then I'd fall back to the other extreme of no feelings at all. Nothing in between.

Thank you both... being able to talk about this is still really new to me. I was totally in the dark till recently. Now I'm maybe peeking out just the tip of my nose, and the tips of my ears and a couple of hairs? And a toe or two. The rest is still in the dark I guess. I really appreciate that you don't just tell me off for not turning on the light and getting over it.

[Contessa]

I have a different experience I suppose. My symptoms were terrible living through it and beyond. I put it down to having a person oriented, carer type career before my traumas. I was well educated and practiced on the topics of abuse and nurturing behaviours that I was so angry with many people being abusive to me. It was horrible.

So I knew I was traumatised. Once it became a diagnosis, I personally did not research cptsd. I focused on my healing from the anger and trauma, and building strategies for my calm.

For a long time on here I did not understand many things - disassociation, emotional flashbacks, f-responses, inner child... I focused on understanding  "their" abusiveness.

I've now read "The body keeps the score" which is fantastic. Only when I improved did I start the search to know more, but have not gone too deep.

Will stop here, but that has been my general timeline post diagnosis