Cutting Ties

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Cutting Ties
« on: September 29, 2017, 01:38:57 AM »
Things feel really complicated these days.
I try to meet new people but there's about a 10% chance that I'll get along with them. This forum thankfully fit the 10%, but there are a lot of online groups I'm in where I feel like I'd be less lonely without it if that makes sense.
I think I'm going to have to 'cut ties' I guess, leave the groups I'm in and refrain from searching for more (online ones at least). Essentially that means I'll be left with just my good mate, this forum, and 3 other people I can small talk to every now and then. It's not a lot at all... but being in those groups feels kind of toxic to me. I get envious of their happiness, frustrated with their jokes I don't find amusing. I think every 10th message I read is somehow related to my past and it makes me twist inside. I'm just so incredibly fussy with people, with friends, hold them to such high expectations and I hate it.

[Trigger Warning - Physical Abuse]
I had a customer yesterday who I was just kind of small-talking to. He mentioned his wife had walked off to the car forgetting he would need help carrying groceries, and he jokingly said how he'd go beat her when they get home for it. I didn't find this funny at all, but I fake-laughed because well, I can't go frowning at my customers like that.
[End]
This is a more out-there example but a lot of people I talk to in these groups do this kind of stuff, make jokes that are rather dark, sexually related, or maybe they are funny to the average person but to me it's a trigger.

I've been planning to find some social groups that are more 'physical', meetups kind of thing. I saw it mentioned somewhere here on the forum, thanks for that, looking at meetup.com. Though I'm afraid of not being able to fit into a group of what seems to be people that are 30 years and up. People my age are supposed to be "partying and drinking and having fun". And I'm here wilting away.

But I dunno, this feels like a big convoluted rant, not that I have anywhere else to spill it. :S Does anyone feel this way though? Searching for people to talk to but never finding appropriate company? I'm afraid of being so isolated from everyone like I have before in my childhood. But maybe I'll be able to cope better than I did then.

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Rainagain

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Re: Cutting Ties
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2017, 02:22:00 AM »
Hi aphotic
Sorry you are worried about isolation and troubled with making friends.
I don't think it is either/or - either isolated and wilting away or part of a group you mostly can't stand.
If you work in a grocery store then you already talk to more people each day than I could cope with, maybe cutting the online group that upsets you is the way to go. if you deal with customers who trigger you at work you don't need more of the same online too?
You seem to be asking the right questions so I'm sure you will work through it, avoid the toxic has got to be the way forward.

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Liminality

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Re: Cutting Ties
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2017, 03:32:12 AM »
Completely agree with Rainagain here. I'm sorry you're feeling uneasy and isolated amidst your current group of friends, and also triggered by customers. Unfortunately there's not much to do about customers, except extend compassion and sympathy. :sadno:

But if a group feels toxic to you, even if they're not deliberately evil, then my reaction would be to say better move on. Some people can be very kind and still not be what you need right now because your core values clash. And with what you're already dealing with, you absolutely don't need more micro-aggressions everyday.

Safe hugs, if you want them :hug: And a truckload of warm thoughts your way. Wish you to find a bit of peace for yourself, you deserve as much.

Re: Cutting Ties
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2017, 09:59:53 AM »
Thank you kindly, Rainagain and Liminality. ^^ The responses are much appreciated.
I just went and left that online group, also pruned all my friends lists on all my social media sites. So I feel a little more... by myself, but comfortable and satisfied as well. I'm hoping that my mood will get better over the next few days now that I don't have those messages to read through and that pressure to fit in.
Thankfully I can deal with the customers fairly well, mainly because of the masks I put on and how I basically turn into a big solid brick that doesn't let anything in. So I think I'll be alright.
Thanks again to both of you.  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Cutting Ties
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2017, 05:14:44 PM »
hey, aa, if it feels better after the pruning, i'd say you did exactly the right thing.

a lot of that stuff is messages from our gut, and i truly believe in listening to our guts.  i'd been in real life support groups that i quit because of just what you're talking about, or because i felt like they were sucking my energy dry.  it felt better when i wasn't exposed to that anymore.  i've also been in an online support group for narc abuse that seemed very abrupt and harsh, not nearly as supportive and nurturing as this forum.  i quickly got out of that one.

well done.  i am friendly by nature, but much more cautious than i used to be.  still, it's wonderful to find someone who can make me laugh or who shares some fundamental values with me.   i don't have any close friends anymore - ended up pruning them, too.  so, just a couple casual friends that keep in touch every so often, and my d and h.  i'm good with that.

sounds like progress to me.  yay!  big hug.

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Rainagain

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Re: Cutting Ties
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2017, 09:41:49 AM »
Hi aphotic
Wondering how you are doing since your last post.
I was also wondering if you would benefit from joining a group where socialising was not the main purpose, like a running club or evening class.
There would be a purpose and structure so you are in a group but not expected to 'perform' socially.
I can meet people and do fine if the encounter is time limited and there is a reason for the meeting that isn't threatening to me.
I don't want more social contact, am old with bad knees so I won't be doing anything like it myself but wondered if it would be worth a go for you.
Hope the suggestion doesn't sound silly, I was thinking along the lines that younger people have more fear of missing out than I do.
And if you want more social contact then that is probably a healthy sign to be explored somehow.