Missing part of my story?

[barbidoll]

So I recently have been realizing how much in denial I have been about my father. I had myself convinced that despite sexually abusing me he wasn't all that bad. Recently though I asked my older sister if he had angry outbursts and was hypercritical because these are things I keep seeming to reoccur in my love life. She said yes to both. Today I asked my younger sister about her memories of him because I am disturbed that I can't remember. She said she remembers him hitting her and she thinks he might have broke our brother's arm. Why don't I remember?  I once told someone years ago that I had such a deep fear of disappointing my parents that I pretty much behaved and I guess I thought it was some great parenting technique. What happened that I don't remember?

[Kat]

Not remembering is so frustrating.  I mean, it was a necessary coping mechanism at the time, but it leaves one with such a fragmented story.  It sucks.

On a smaller scale, just now I was filling out my workout calendar.  I try to keep track of the days I am able to exercise and record what I did, etc.  I looked at the calendar and realized that I hadn't worked out at all last week except for Thursday.  I wondered what the heck I'd been doing all week that kept me from exercising.  It took me a few minutes to realize I'd been out of town early in the week and had worked extra hours on Wednesday and yesterday.  How does all of that disappear from memory so quickly? 

[barbidoll]

I am feeling like my memory is acting kooky. I used to have a fairly good memory. Now I find myself misplacing stuff so easily. Forgetting things like appointments that I never used to forget.  One time I remember even struggling to tell a psychologist what kind of abuse I had been through as an adult.
  I hate that I can't remember the childhood stuff though because I think it really might play into some of my adult experiences.  It also has led me to kind of idealize my childhood.  I mean I know I was sexually abused but other than that I had a good childhood or so my brain has led me to believe.  I feel a little betrayed by my own mind. 

[Dee]

Your mind protected you.  You had to believe he wasn't bad because your very existence depended on him.  There is no escape as a child. 

I haven't had abusive relationships.  I had an abusive relationship that lasted for 20 years.  It was home for me.  I thought that was what marriage was about.  I recreated the familiar without realizing what I was doing.  I didn't even know I was being abused.

[barbidoll]

I remember having points of knowing I was being abused as I left relationships.  Then I would go on with life and think I was fine and then get into another relationship and think I knew better now but I really didn't.   My sister used to joke that you don't see the mark of the devil until it is too late. It is so apt at least for me.  I literally had one of these guys tell me he was fired for "creating a hostile environment". I should have believed him but I didn't until I was stuck in another state with no family or friends close and he started showing his rage regularly.  It's like each time I have forgotten how to identify those signs of abuse.  And for some reason it is hard for me to call it out for what it is at times. Like when I had this person tell me at least my daughter was taken to a hospital and in my head I am saying, "But he used it to verbally abuse and torture me!" I had this guy right in front of a mental health tech start yelling security to shut me up and What did I do? I shut up.  I couldn't say any of this to this person.  I just shut up again.