What I'm healing from **TW TW**

[AphoticAtramentous]

It can be both terrible and relieving when you come to see your parent(s) in that way... realistically, without their pressure or distorted views to influence your own.

My reactions can be sudden, intense, and I blurt things out without thinking how they'll sound - almost like someone else is saying it but using my voice. These days I think it really has been someone else.

I worry obsessively all the time if I've hurt people, I go back and forth from not ever saying anything of any substance to telling myself I need to be honest, and I wind up offending someone without wanting or meaning to.

I really understand you there. Feel the same so much.
Have this if it helps: 

[Three Roses]

*TW*
1/3
I've been going back and forth about how much I want to share, and the least triggery way to say it.

I used to think most of the damage came from my F. Thanks to recovering more memories, I now remember that I was in 4th grade before I met a grown up who was gentle and understanding to me. I had so much violence in my little life that I had a few rough edges. I fought on the playground at recess and was a weird little tomboy who didn't fit in anywhere. Needless to say, I felt quite alone and friendless.

F would literally flip out at the drop of a hat. He once backhanded me at lunch, knocking my spoon out of my hand and sending soup flying. I burst into tears and when my mom confronted him about it, he said, "She was blowing on her soup." She said, "She's just been to the dentist!" (I was trying to be careful not to burn my still-numb mouth on the hot soup.) All F said was, "Oh."

Punching me in the mouth, grabbing me by my arm, handling me roughly, wrestling me to the ground, sitting in the middle of my back and choking me - these things and more. The constant verbal battery, name calling, derision.
(Continued)

[Three Roses]

2/3

M would tell me angrily how stupid I was. She had her hands full with an out of control husband and a son who had developmental problems. Looking back I can see how overwhelmed she must have been, and how damaged. A rough childhood, an abusive first marriage and two miscarriages, all without professional help for her emotionally. Her response to me was cool, aloof, neglectful, and a little rough.

My "brother" started abusing me, picking on me physically before I can remember. M had to make cushions for my legs out of menstrual pads because he kicked me in the shins whenever he could. She tried to explain it away, saying to the rest of the family that I was clumsy. (As an adult, I learned from my cousins there had been doubt about this explanation.)

He made me walk to school a block behind him so no one would know I was his sister.

But the real abuse began when he reached puberty. He molested me and also my friends in our neighborhood, depriving me of the only friends I had because they then wouldn't have anything to do with me. I was about 9 when that started.

When I was 12, he tried to drown me. We were on vacation, and swimming in the motel's pool when I must have angered him. I was saved by a stranger who pointed out to my oblivious mother that her daughter was "in trouble". To this day I can't stand to see movies, etc where there is water over someone's head. I still remember it vividly.

When I was 19 he tried to trade me to his co-worker, who was what they called a "swinger", so that my B could have sex with the co-worker's wife. My B didn't have a gf to trade so he tried to trade me, his sister. The man saw that I hadn't been informed of the arrangement and refused.

[Three Roses]

3/3

I was also abused by two of my teachers. My 2nd grade T shook me so roughly that when she let go, I couldn't stand and the room spun. My 3rd grade T stood me in the front of the class and instructed the entire class to laugh at me, which they did.

I started using drugs and alcohol at 15.

My first sexual experience was more of a rape than anything. A bf choked me when I was 16, and at 17 I was raped twice.

(End for now)

[M.R.]

I'm so sorry for the horrendous life you've had roses. As I read what you've written, I have my own memories that come back. And I can relate to some of what you've written quite well. But this is your space and not mine. So I will leave you with a message that I am thinking of you. And even if I don't respond to every post I will be here reading what you have to say to share in your experience to hopefully make you feel less alone.

Melodie

[Elphanigh]

Three roses, I wish I had more to say but some of the damiliar bits have left me speechless.

Just know I am thinking of you, and little you. You both have a spot in a warm, safe hug if yiu ever want/need it. I have heard I give great ones.

I am sorry for all that you have been through, but glad you are able to share safely.

Much love, 

[AphoticAtramentous]

My heart goes out to you Three Roses...

[Three Roses]

Knew I was forgetting a big one - sibling also tried to rape me when I was 14, he was 18 and going into the military.

Did I forget it? Or block it out? I do that lot....

[rbswan]

I believe you Three Roses and stand with you.  It's brave and true to tell your story.  I know the pain and relief of it myself when I finally told someone my whole truth (what I remembered of it) earlier this year.  When they said they believed me I wept uncontrollable bittersweet tears.  There are large blocks of time in my childhood I don't remember and I'm not sure I want to remember.  Some have surfaced from my grief, and even if I don't remember all of it, the results are in....my body, mind and spirit was severely injured from abuse and trauma.  We are all together in this truth.  These things HAPPENED and they should NEVER have happened.  I'm not triggered, I'm grateful I'm not alone and sad that I can't take your pain away.  Thank you for your bravery and I'm so sorry for the years and years of abuse.  Your recovery is inspirational.  I hear you and will follow your story, it helps me to be brave with mine.   

[Hope66]

Hi Three Roses,
You are incredibly brave to be talking about these things, and I just wanted to say that I am also 'standing by you' and 'hearing you' and 'supporting you'.    and wishing you strength with this. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

3roses, my heart aches for what you've been through.  i stand beside you along with everyone else, validating not only your story but your courage for speaking your truth.  i believe you completely, at the same time i'm horrified at what you've had to endure.

your warrior spirit shines through every sentence.  earth mother spirit embraces you, gathers you in as you relive your pain. 

dang, woman, you are a miracle - don't ever forget that!  love and a big hug filled with soothing warmth and compassion.

[Three Roses]

My copy of the new Pete Walker book, "Homesteading in the Calm Eye of the Storm", got here today. Felt like Christmas!

He describes a footrace down a step path where he arrives at the bottom, scraped and bleeding but exhilarated.

This part hit me hard: (pg 49)

And who cares if I won't be able to sleep tonight because of my injuries? I don't know it yet, but I am a trauma survivor. As such I spend most of my time in the frozen present. I am trapped here by a foreshortened sense of the future and a fear of my childhood misery catching up with me. When I am adrenalized and busy, I can distract myself from my underlying emotional pain. How I hate it when it percolates up without warning and engulfs me in anxious deadness and shame.

[Blueberry]

Just been reading the continuation of the abuse done to you. You are brave to write it all down. I believe you. Sending you 

[Three Roses]

Ok...well, that covers just the first 18 or 19 years or so. Got a few decades to go still. I'm just getting started.

There's a term that's highly applicable to me -

Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again.

I know I have done this, all my life. I see it very clearly now. More on this later.

[sanmagic7]

repetition compulsion - interesting, but it certainly rings true for me as well.  you're not alone here, sweetie.  standing strong beside you.  warm and loving hugs to you.