What I'm healing from **TW TW**

[Elphanigh]

Theee Roses, I am excited about that book as well. I need to get a copy asap. So glad it is resonating with you so much. Those quotes are brilliant.

I will echo everyone else, in saying how strong it is for you to share. I am grateful that you are. You have gotten through a good chunk. I have only ever gotten mine written to about the time I was 12 (granted I have a bit less to fill in afterwards, as I am younger)

Thank you for sharing with all of us. Sending you a lot of warmth and comfort if you need or want it

[rbswan]

I'm excited about his book as well.  Thanks for sharing the passage, it was powerful.  What I love about Pete Walker is his soulful writing and that he incorporates beautiful quotes and poems into his books.  Thank you for sharing your life, you are a miracle to have come so far.  I'm so sorry for all you have went through and stand with you.

[Three Roses]

I've spent the last few years in one of the most painful periods of my life. And the strange part is that it's also been the smoothest, most drama-free time I've ever experienced.

I feel respected. I feel the freedom to go where I want without worrying about possible consequences. These are things I kept from myself due either to personal fears or external pressures, but I take responsibility for both. This has been a painful revelation as I saw the depths of my own imprisonment, and that I always held the key to my own prison door.

It's also been a time of personal insight as the smokescreen and filters through which I'd always seen myself fell away. All the things I once thought I was, now I question. The certainty of my knowing what path to take, what words to say - gone. Who I was, who I am, as a person - also gone.

I see I've built a lot of my life on smoke and mirrors. Illusion. The illusions I created, the persona I decided to present to the world as the authentic me.

She never existed.

The smokescreen was a happy, well-adjusted woman. She may have had her struggles, but after all, who doesn't? She knew, life isn't perfect. And on those moonlit nights when she stared at the stars with an aching so deep it felt as big as the sky, she only thought she just wasn't thankful enough.

The mirrors were the compassion I genuinely felt and thought I communicated to others; but I either did not, or it was lost in the twists and knots of my inexplicable behavior.

Today, I clearly see the harm I've caused because of the damage and abuse I've been through. I feel confused as to why I didn't see things more clearly but I also don't spend a lot of time kicking myself. When the feelings rise up, I allow them, giving myself the permission to freely feel all of my pain, because unless I let myself feel, I won't be able to feel all the joy that's in me, either.

There is an art form called kintsugi. It's a method of repairing broken vessels using gold or silver lacquer, returning them to a fully functioning cup, dish, etc. The philosophy behind this is that even the once broken-ness of the piece is valued, and in fact showing the history of the once broken item without trying to hide it gives the piece its beauty - and is considered even more beautiful for having once been broken. A perfect imperfection.

Not only is there no attempt to hide the damage, but the repair is literally illuminated... a kind of physical expression of the spirit of mushin....Mushin is often literally translated as 'no mind', but carries connotations of fully existing within the moment, of non-attachment, of equanimity amid changing conditions....The vicissitudes of existence over time, to which all humans are susceptible, could not be clearer than in the breaks, the knocks, and the shattering to which ceramic ware too is subject. This poignancy or aesthetic of existence has been known in Japan as 'mono no aware', a compassionate sensitivity, or perhaps identification with, [things] outside oneself.   "
— Christy Bartlett, Flickwerk: The Aesthetics of Mended Japanese Ceramics   

Slowly I am learning to accept myself as I am. I am learning to embrace the cracks and not hide them. They are a message of how strong I am. And as this acceptance of myself grows, I am finding understanding for the ones who hurt me, for they've been broken, too. And in this way, I'm learning to truly leave them behind me.

[DecimalRocket]

Three Roses, I don't have much of an appeal for beauty as much as you do. But if it makes you happy, then I support it with my every being.

I've read somewhere that the greatest ally to battling shame is openness. Showing your true self and allowing people who truly care for you accept you. People may sometimes view the world and the people they know with only their ideas of what others are like — without ever acting to understand them enough, and so never connecting with the person outside the idea.

To be open to me is to rid all connections of inaccuracy and analyze my idea of people in the most precise rigorous detailed way as possible — but that's just me. I want to understand you.

Your dad may have not wanted you, but there are other people out there that care for you now. At least people around this forum do. I know I do.

You've been opening up. Your strength really is . . . beautiful.

[Three Roses]

Thank you, DR! I'm trying to be more authentic and its nice to know you see that. 

[sanmagic7]

wow, 3 roses, that's pretty deep.  diving into something like that just shows the depth of you as a person. 

very glad for you that you're coming out of the turmoil into a more peaceful place.  you are beautiful.  big warm, loving hug to you.

[Blueberry]

Slowly I am learning to accept myself as I am. I am learning to embrace the cracks and not hide them. They are a message of how strong I am. And as this acceptance of myself grows, I am finding understanding for the ones who hurt me, for they've been broken, too. And in this way, I'm learning to truly leave them behind me.

Wow! To your whole post really. 

[ah]

I love the idea of kintsugi, never heard of it so just googled it and looked at some pictures for a long while. It got me thinking of you.

The gold/silver lacquer, if it's pure it must be flexible and soft, and allow the broken vessel to move and change position. So there isn't just way to be a whole vessel, but so many different interpretations to who we can be as we slowly put ourselves together again.
Whoever we end up being, without smokescreens. With pain. 

And there's a true beauty to these vessels I saw, like they're saying "Yep, this is how it is." The gold/silver looks a bit alive... like the vessel was just an object before it broke and now it's real..?

Re. "brothers", I have one that's a bit similar to yours.

He is nothing like the definition of a brother. Even the word "brother" is a trigger for me now. I think of him as my sibling, my mother's other child.

Yep. Precisely.
You're absolutely not alone.

And I can't imagine not believing you.