Felt like throwing in the towel

[Blueberry]

Sometimes it's good to express what's going on. Today I feel like throwing in the towel work-wise. Nothing particular has happened, except that I read a book written by 3 people who started up an online company 10 years ago and turned it into something really big. The book was a good read, well-written, easy to follow. One of their modes of working was just to do, to get going and not listen to the nay-sayers. They openly and honestly explain the mistakes they made too.

At first it inspired me because I tend to pull back from ideas I have in my freelance work and say to myself that that will never work, or ask myself what happens if it does work and then I can't keep up or stick to deadlines or get ill again or or or. These three scenarios are unfortunately all still pretty realistic. So I ask myself these things and then I don't just act. So now I'm feeling more like, I can't be like these young entrepreneurs so I might as well throw in the towel.

Well, it's good I started writing that all down because now I know where 'wanting to throw the towel in' is coming from, roughly. I wouldn't have thrown in the towel anyway, but having expressed it, I now feel lighter. It doesn't feel like such a burden on me.

[Blueberry]

I applied a couple of weeks ago for a part-time pretty unskilled job for November and December. Today I got turned down. Almost immediately I felt kind of nauseous, but that's gone now.

Obviously I'm feeling fairly stable today, because I'm not having any impulses about throwing in the towel or anything. I'll just keep going at the farm for a while. It doesn't pay money, but it does me good and I spend a lot less money on food this way, since I get paid in kind. Because I'm not actually employed by them and they roughly know about my problems with work, they don't put me under any kind of pressure. e.g. Mondays I'm meant to be there by 6 AM but if I don't manage till 6:30 the guy I work for is just as happy. 

Also since I no longer have my Little Furry Critters to provide for and especially find carers for when I'm away I'm considering going away for a few weeks in late December and early January to a place I know where I can work for board and lodging. Up till now I never dared and/or asked in such a way that they knew I'm somewhat disabled work-wise. Now I won't explain in advance, I'll just ask if they have space in the relevant time period. First I'm trying to get a 'holiday spot' the final week in December, because there's a seminar on with lots of singing and music that will really do me good, but then I'd stay the following 1-2 weeks as a 'volunteer worker' cleaning, helping in the kitchens, whatever. And then joining in some aspects of daily life there including singing.

Both being at this seminar place and being on the farm tend to activate me a bit. I'll come home and am better able to 'get on with things', it's not such a struggle to motivate myself. Partly it's because I'm working with other people some of the time, though that I need to watch too. Working with other people all the time is difficult for me. Especially when I go through EFs. I don't believe that joining some sort of commune is the answer either.

Yesterday I was also looking into doing a course related to the self-taught work I do, so that I'd have proper qualifications and could probably get more work in this field, including working for a society here in town which gets referrals. I've looked into this before, but with an idea of 'sometime... maybe...' whereas now I'm thinking "start June 2018?"

[Hope66]

Glad you're enjoying your work at the farm - it sounds like a really good place to be - for all sorts of reasons that you've mentioned.  Glad the fact you didn't get that job you applied for hasn't caused you too much concern, and you're focusing on potentials for 2018, which I think is really foreward thinking!   

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Hope!

[Blueberry]

Yesterday my T gave me some further insight into my reccuring impulse to throw in the towel work-wise.

It's an EF. Going back to a time when I only had the option of keeping going as I was or giving up. So back to a child when keeping going led to tons of criticism, judgement and ridicule, and of course no help in finding better skills to deal with perceived failure when working on something and experiencing difficulties. So I usually gave up. As a younger child, I'd burst into tears and then give up. I don't want to go back into feeling what it was like.  But giving up also led to criticism, judgement and ridicule, just different aspects being ridiculed. But at least not doing anything meant I conserved energy, of which I never seemed to have enough.

My T also said that being in an EF is like being physically ill. When you have the flu you don't expect maximum performance from yourself so I shouldn't in an EF either. Brain blanks out again. Oh, yes, and I shouldn't make any life-changing decisions while in an EF. Life-changing decisions include throwing in the towel work-wise or any other way for that matter.

[Blueberry]

In the past couple of days I've been thinking "What is the use of keeping going in my line of work (the type I am doing)?". But because I did realise that I was feeling EF-y I didn't translate that into feeling like throwing in the towel. Small steps forward. 

Today a client said she wants to come double time in January, no actually, now I think about it, even a bit more than double. Anyway 

I'm feeling a bit blown about today. I'm passive and other people are making decisions that affect me. Instead of actively going out and looking for more clients, I wait until one comes to me or a current one asks for more time. But better passive and accepting work, than not doing anything at all! As I wrote above: "not doing anything meant I conserved energy, of which I never seemed to have enough". Same now, I tend to lack energy. Going looking for work and/or clients means expending energy. I'm showing myself now that I have other options, not just "the option of keeping going as I was or giving up" as it was when I was a child.

The other way in which I'm feeling blown about has nothing to do with work. It has to do with that FOO phone call. There I think I need to accept that atm I had no better option than to act as I did because I still haven't sorted myself out re: what I want from FOO. Slamming the phone down and yelling "How dare you contact me?" wouldn't have been useful. It would just reinforce to FOO what they already think: I'm crazy.

[Blueberry]

I'm making some progress here too. When I have that feeling about "best throw in the towel" work-wise, I recognise it immediately as an EF and don't bother going into the feeling any further. Or thinking any further on working or not.

Today I even accepted a contract of the type of work I'm not doing    but I don't feel like throwing in the towel. I'm just going to start getting on with it. 

[Blueberry]

Unfortunately, I bit off more than I can chew.  But I'm going to have to push through with it anyway. Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined. But I can't now. Too late. If I'm lucky another freelance colleague might help me with part of it tomorrow.

[Rainagain]

Hope it turns out OK for you, I think you will do OK, I'd guess you are more able than you realise.

Go you!

[Blueberry]

Employment or lack of ability in that direction is a huge topic for me.

So I have delayed reactions. I gave up my new little job on Friday. I did my hours actually but then said I can't be reliable the way they need me to be. But it wasn't till yesterday that the delayed reactions came. Just depression. Give up, stay in bed, reading and dozing. Avoid people.

The progress is: I don't feel like throwing in the towel. I will keep on with my freelance work.  I will go back to the farm at some point.

[Deep Blue]

That is progress 

[Blueberry]

Also since I no longer have my Little Furry Critters to provide for and especially find carers for when I'm away I'm considering going away for a few weeks in late December and early January to a place I know where I can work for board and lodging. Up till now I never dared and/or asked in such a way that they knew I'm somewhat disabled work-wise. Now I won't explain in advance, I'll just ask if they have space in the relevant time period. First I'm trying to get a 'holiday spot' the final week in December, because there's a seminar on with lots of singing and music that will really do me good, but then I'd stay the following 1-2 weeks as a 'volunteer worker' cleaning, helping in the kitchens, whatever. And then joining in some aspects of daily life there including singing.

Both being at this seminar place and being on the farm tend to activate me a bit. I'll come home and am better able to 'get on with things', it's not such a struggle to motivate myself. Partly it's because I'm working with other people some of the time, though that I need to watch too. Working with other people all the time is difficult for me. Especially when I go through EFs. I don't believe that joining some sort of commune is the answer either.

In the end I didn't do that last year. If I remember correctly I realised I'd never be able to leave the house to do even the holiday stint, never mind working. It just seemed "too far away" though I know the route and I go by train. Now I have a holiday spot there mid-January for 6 days, where they're offering a special deal for the first time: pay by donation instead of the regular fees. I asked especially to do some volunteering, more than paying that week. They said that's possible. And then I finally asked if the following week I could do half-paying / half-time volunteer work. They agreed, even though I did explain some of my difficulties. Them agreeing seemed to throw me and then I got sick as well. The combination led to an EF which brought back all that FOO stuff about throwing in the towel.

But this evening I'm finally back to realising that I can do this. Or at least attempt. Because if I don't try it, I'll never know. Nothing really bad can come out of it. Worst case scenario is I back out during the second week of volunteering and pay full instead. But since I'll have a week to acclimatise there and get to know the volunteer work ropes a bit, moving onto a week of 3 hours a day instead of between 1 and 2 should be manageable. Even though it's not just the time, it's the 'musts' as well and my internal dialogue of "I'm too slow".

So now I'll go and send them the rest of the information they need I'm looking forward to being there - singing, calm, meditation, doing hatha yoga because it's what you do there, so even I do semi-automatically, very healthy yet tasty food.

[Libby183]

Sounds like an excellent plan, Blueberry. Hope it all works out.

I have always followed your employment threads but felt I had little to offer. Now I am divorcing, I may need to look at getting a job, and I feel absolutely terrified. I really admire your tenacity in maintaining employment. I think that's a great achievement.

Hoping things go well.

Libby.

[Blueberry]

Unfortunately, I bit off more than I can chew.  But I'm going to have to push through with it anyway. Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined. But I can't now. Too late.

Ditto. Have to push through. My mind is mush. When am I going to learn??

I'm probably still trying to prove myself capable after all either to myself or to FOO.

[Three Roses]