Peer Harassment and Bullying

[KathleenRose]

 It started in the first grade. I was an only child, and had no siblings to relate with - maybe that's why when I got to school I didn't know how to socialize with the other kids. My parents were busy blue collar workers just working all hours to make ends meet, they didn't really know how to teach me to make friends either.  I don't really remember what started it, but somehow one of my classmates started mocking me, saying that I thought I could fly.

It never let up. Throughout elementary and most of middle school, I was completely alone. In the summer between 5-6 grade, I did make friends with a classmate - but on the first day of middle school, when I went to join up with her at the door, she completely ignored me. Later that night, she called me on the phone and said that she still wanted to be friends, but that the "cool" crowd didn't like me and so could we just be weekend friends?   I wanted to say no... but she was the only friend I had.   Later that year, she would hurt me again when she went along with the cool group in pretending to welcome me into the fold, only to have me plan a huge birthday bash - and have no one show up. On purpose. They all knew they weren't going to come, they purposely helped me plan and get excited for it just to see me become disappointed when no one came. The next day, someone said "Come on, did you really believe we were your friends? I can't believe you actually thought we would come".    My mom ended up throwing out half the sheet cake we bought to feed 30+ people.    I got my first boyfriend that year too - again, part of that crowd. Same idea though - he was put up to it by the others to see if I would actually fall for it. He never actually liked me, or cared about me.    I often wonder now that we are adults if any of them feel remorse or guilt for what they did to me.

I've been attacked and rushed by mobs on the school yard. I've been spat at, clawed at and had gum/whiteout/glue in my hair. 

In high school, I made the mistake of reporting the harassment to the office. My parents called the authorities, after I was locked in an empty wing of the school for an entire afternoon unable to get out.  The outcome? "clearly she brought this on herself" the principal said. "she'll be losing her exam exemption because she missed an afternoon of class" said another teacher.  The police officers said that it was the other kids word against mine, and they told the officers that I must have accidentally let the door shut behind me, locking myself in.  What should have been at least a suspension, resulted in nothing - because the primary student who locked the door in the first place was the star of the theatre department, and he was the lead role in the play that was happening at that time.

My parents told me that when I had problems, go to the teachers. But the teachers told me I had to deal with it on my own - they just never told me how.  I learned that adults don't give a crap, and when they do - popularity will always win out, not justice.

As an adult, I thought my peer problems would go away.  They did, for a few years.  Then, I landed my dream job - and I was travelling on a tour bus with 2 other representatives for a 6 month contract. The other 2 didn't get me, I couldn't figure out how to relate socially, and although I loved what I was doing, we never jived.  I was publicly fired for not being "enthusiastic enough" - and in the aftermath, discovered that the two other girls knew about it all along and actually advocated for me to be let go. (It wasn't the primary reason, that was more the CEO's granddaughter being promised a position on the tour). 

AFter that I went to work running a fitness studio for someone who was on maternity leave. The year that I was in charge was amazing, I had so much fun and I loved it. I had the perfect mix of alone time and social time. Then the owner came back, and she didn't like how I had organized things, but instead of talking to me and meeting with me to sort things out, she just started leaving passive aggressive notes and avoiding me.  I got so sick of it that I walked out after my grandfather died and she harassed me by phone the entire time I was at the funeral.

I haven't worked full-time for another employer in over 5 years now.  I've had to work for myself, because I can't deal with having someone in authority over me - I go into massive panic attacks any time someone says "we need to talk" and then puts it off. I have had managers do that, say "we need to meet and chat soon" but then put it off for hours, or even days without so much of a hint of what's on the agenda.  I get paranoid when I'm in groups of people and it seems like they actually like me - I start wondering what they're planning and plotting to humiliate me.   I am never the center of attention - the very few friends that I have are always my "shield" when I do things - I have realized that my few friends are definitely more extroverted than me, because I need them to take the spotlight off me in social settings.

I am in my early 30s and have very few friends. I have one best friend who has been with me since 7th grade, and hasn't ever bowed to the peer pressure of others.  She's awesome, but clearly doing better in life than me - she has a husband and 2 adorable little girls, and a house and a career.  She lives 5 hours away from me too, so we don't see each other enough.    That's pretty much it friend wise though, I don't have anyone that I hang out with.  I have a guy friend that I have known for 10 years, but .. that's just a complicated mess of a story that involves more than friendship, another girl who had his kid and is now his wife... and the odd period of time (like right now) when he just goes silent and doesn't reply to me at all.   We live in the same town now too, so we can't be seen hanging out because his wife will lose her mind - so much for a social life.

I recently tried to join the roller derby league here. The ladies were awesome, but despite how welcoming they were I can't get my mind to accept it.  Firstly, I really suck at roller skating - and I felt like everyone was staring at me and that I was the worst skater out there (I wasn't, I know that..) Second, I got so overwhelmed with trying to stay upright, and do the tasks/exercises they were teaching on the intro night, that I went into full panic mode and had to sit down and take off my skates.  I haven't been back, not because I don't want to, but because it's too mentally exhausting trying to stay upright on skates, and maintain a social level of awareness, and try to quiet my inner voice.

Anyway, I just realized this is long and rambly, but maybe this is what this forum is for.  A place where I can just type out what I'm thinking and know that if anyone reads it they probably understand that it's just my mind trying to dump whatever is in it out so that maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight.

[alliematt]

I'm a survivor of peer harassment and bullying as well.  There's big parts of your story I can identify with.

[Piou]

I've been bullied too, by family members at that, so while my story is somewhat different from yours, I can still relate to the loneliness and not feeling welcome even when people are actually nice to you.  I  also shielded myself with a friend who was louder than me and was so desperate for company that even when she would get abusive, I'd still come back to her.

It makes so angry that people can do these things in front of supposed authority figures and they do nothing. This society is a joke and, as you said, justice doesn't seem to be that important to many, it's all about being liked by and pleasing those who have the most influence.

[habitude]

I've experienced this also, both as a child at school and in social situations, and as an adult. Some of the early childhood bullying was caused by my NM, who of course denies it to this day.

I know that's what's going on with EFs related to exclusion or being left out in work/social situations. But - that is some hard stuff to overcome, and I tend to isolate just to be able to feel safe enough to go to work or whatever.

[ah]

I hope you got some sleep.

I was bullied too, almost to death. Bullied at home and then at school I went to and later by adults, mercilessly. Partly because I was different but also just because they could, and it was probably fun for them... and there was no one there to stop them. People in positions of authority always looked the other way. It was soul-destroying, I'm so sorry you had to go through it. It left me feeling unlovable, but you're not. We're not. It can be so hard to feel though.

[goth_mike]

Sorry to hear about your experience Kathleen, I can certainly relate to that, and to this day even on the rare occasions I describe my experiences to others, they either don't understand the harm this causes to children (the "it couldn't have been that bad" mentality) or worse actually think it was funny.  When I get that reaction I have to work very hard to keep myself from instinctively resorting to violence.  But then feel really depressed afterwards that I didn't, despite having in theory done "the right thing".  It feels like "doing the right thing" is a complete waste of time...

Anyway, I feel the need to vent also, despite my fear that someone somewhere will simply laugh and say out loud through their amusement "what a pathetic worthless * you deserved all of that for your incessant whining".  My bullying began in pre-school, where my parents would send me to remove me from their lives, at least temporarily.  In this environment, I had no idea what I was being punished for, with the obvious conclusion that there must be something seriously wrong with me, and that I must be truly defective not to even know what it was / is.  This was despite attempts at protest, which were consistently ignored.

Like yourself, I found that any approach to authority figures was a very counterproductive exercise, in this situation they used their new-found knowledge, which I had freely provided, to actually join in the abuse.

One of my earliest memories of primary / junior school was being unable to accept the abject brutality of the situation, especially as this time around the school staff were complicit in abuse and humiliation from the outset.  This was very deliberate, and damn right I'm angry about it.  While I hope in time to be able to forgive those horrible children who systematically set out to destroy me (and I worry they may have succeeded) and kill every bit of light remaining in my soul, I don't see how their actions could ever be forgivable.  They were deliberately cold and ruthless, and would routinely "punish" with absolutely no explanation (to the great delight of my peers, who as far as I could tell never received such unwanted attention).  I suspect that if confronted with their behaviour today, they would probably laugh heartily (I worry that many of these cretins still work with children, as I am also in my early 30s).

At home, I was mostly looked after by loving grandparents, however I did not want to talk about the school experiences to them both due to wanting to "leave it at the school gates" and pretend to be a normal child.  I also feared they may do something about it, which would result in themselves getting hurt, as they were too old to defend themselves against the school staff.  Informing parents turned out to be a very poor idea - my depressed workaholic mother would simply break down, while my father (not sure what's wrong with him but it's probably diagnosable) would offer further humiliation and useless soundbite 'advice'.

Secondary / high school consisted of more of the same, though thankfully adults in this environment were (generally) less complicit.  I was sure not to let on however, as I had learned well by this point that any perceived "sign of weakness" would result in the full might of all the hatred in which I was surrounded.  Eventually, I developed a very aggressive attitude in which the slightest sign of slander from others would be met with the most extreme consequences.  I made sure that others knew this; if I was never to be accepted it was surely best to be feared instead.  I don't think I spoke so much as three words to anyone my own age after that point until university, where my drinking and drug habits (which were also well developed by this time) made many superficial allies.  Also, I could kind of "re-invent" myself as someone who could at least pretend to be "normal" (whatever that is).

So, in the event I ended up with a fierce outer critic, which has concluded that society is "sick" and that people as a whole are not just dangerous, but composed purely of evil and ill intent.  I am deeply suspicious of groups of people, especially if they are joking / laughing, any form of authority is absolutely not to be trusted etc. etc.  This is really hard to deal with, as it has so far prevented the development of anything other than superficial relationships.  For many years I have desperately looked for any redeeming qualities in the human race as a whole, but have been able to find none as of this time.

I have found on these forums that there are good souls, but it seems that when the rest of the world gets wind of this, those rare creatures will be systematically destroyed, using the slowest and most painful methods.  Why does society see me as such a horrendous aberration?  That kind and innocent child did nothing to deserve all that he reaped, and neither did anyone else here.  Sometimes it feels there is just too much to grieve, and should I recover sufficiently to let another see the beauty within, will the abuse simply begin again in one form or another?

[sanmagic7]

my sister was a bully when we were kids, and even as adults, i had a fear of her, altho we went out together nearly every night.  a wariness, always.

i'm so sorry to hear of the rest of these experiences, so sorry to hear what you've gone thru.  it's just so horrible.  i know how it changed my attitude, my cautiousness around just one person - i can't imagine how damaging it was to go thru it multiples of times with multiple people.

dang, we are strong.  to survive this kind of abuse is positively incredible.  to everyone here, i salute you.     

[BlancaLap]

It was hard for me to read your story since I had have to deal with bullying when I was young too. It's like I can see myself in you, and it hurts, it hurts to remember so much. Some of the things you mentioned have happened to me too, like the: "did you really think we were your friends" and stuff like that. I have few memories of my childhood, but the memories I have, I remember them like they never really happened, like they didn't happen to me, like I wasn't that girl that nobody liked... I just hope I can be myself and feel safe and free, the same for you.

[PeTe]

That's a sad story. I was bullied at school and couldn't be myself at home. It has really influenced me, and I get sad when I think about how this affects my life and your life today as well. It's so cool that you went to roller derby, and too bad it felt like too much to handle. Do you think it would be possible to go back and try again? I'm sure the others don't mind. Or if it just feels like too much, could you seek out a place where people rollerblade individually instead of as a team sport? I would so like for you to find a nice group of people to hang out with and get some positive experiences with