Each Day A Blank Page

[movementforthebetter]

Just quickly getting this down and out of my head. This post contains triggers for guns, violence, death and children and grief.


I just woke from a dream nightmare unlike any I ever had before. In it, I had a 3 yr old daughter. She was playing in her room. Don't remember what I was doing at the time. I finally realized something was wrong. Did I hear a sound? Not sure. But now it was too quiet. I looked at the baby monitor and knew. I went to her room and she was dead. She had found a gun, my gun, and accidentally shot herself while playing. The most unspeakable grief. Being responsible for the death of my child.

My husband came home. He was a famous climate scientist. I had to tell him she was gone. It was my fault. In the grief he stopped caring about his work and was regularly quoted saying things like "what is there to save in humanity and why should I bother? If my child can die in this way, , there is nothing left to save."

Thhe death was highly publicised. I think I was a teacher. Or maybe a student. I tried to return to classes. A peer had written a song about the tragedy and decided to perform it. I had to leave the room and go downstairs. I woke up as I was cowering in my dream under a table while a song of m most unspeakable grief filled my ears.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you've had this nightmare, mftb. Dreams are very powerful, for me anyway, and a bad one can color my days for quite a while.

So sorry. 

[sanmagic7]

o my heart, how horrible, mftb.  i don't even have the words.  i know how profoundly these nightmares can affect us.  big hug.

[DecimalRocket]

That's terrible. With CPTSD, we're often emotionally exhausted and need rest. But these nightmares take it away.

Take care, mftb. Take care.

[movementforthebetter]

I've got either the flu or a major sinus infection. Dr. gave me antibiotics for fluid in my ear/earache I have had for a week but right after I started taking them, wham! Every part of my body aches. And still have fluid in my ears.

It's my final few days of prep before I leave but my body is done. I'll only be able to do what I can, and some things will likely be missed. Just hoping to feel better by Sunday. Being sick on a plane is a miserable experience I hope to never repeat.

Pretty sure stress and my lifestyle of late led to me getting sick. Nothing I can do now but maximum self care to ride it out as quick as I can.

Supposed to have my 1yr review at work tomorrow before I leave. My mgr has been sick too, so it's been bumped to the last minute. Not sure how big a deal it would be if I am sick and miss it, then am gone for months. Oh well. Not really my fault, just is the way it is.

[sanmagic7]

damg. mftb, i hate it when that happens.  best to you with all this, being sick and your trip.  i think you've got a positive attitude about it, tho.  just take care of yourself as best you can.  sending a hug filled with nurturing and lots of ooomph for your immune system.

[movementforthebetter]

It's the day I leave. I'm awake early. My stomach is a bit upset and I'm still sick but will survive. It's my first time "at rest" in a week or so. My head is swimming with thoughts.

This post may be triggering to those who have been through work disputes or have been in financially abusive relationships.


I sublet my place which meant a ton of work to clean and make it ready even though I was sick. It needed to be done. I needed the money.

Work almost left me high and dry. I was lucky I have the sublet income or I'd be in trouble. I haven't received a contract for my temporary position and my living allowance that work pays is tied to that. Not to mention my actual pay. I'm supposed to get the contract sometime when I'm there. They are lucky I already work for them. Who in their right mind would go to work with no contract of employment stating their wage and particulars of employment? Only the desperate and working poor, which happens to be me, currently.

To cover that money gap, and because my work is requiring that I pay for my own hotel and then expense it, I was recommended to get a company credit card. Cool. But the company is switching providers and won't issue me one with the old one. So I won't get it until Dec. I have to expense 4 weeks of hotel, plus maintain a $1500 hold on my personal credit card, plus pay all my expenses during this time... Almost a month. So I requested a cash advance from my office so I won't be in hardship. They said they'd send $2500 but they don't issue cash, they will deposit it into my account.  I don't know when I will get that and I'll have to pay it back once money starts flowing regularly.

At first I thought they wanted me to put the entire hotel plus a rental car credit card. That would have been impossible. In trying to get a solid response I got 3 different answers. My last two weeks have been dealing with this gong show nearly every day.

So I have put almost all the money I have access to on my credit card and am hoping for it to be enough to tide me over. Every step of the way I followed up and tried to stress the urgency of re ei in proper pay.

This is normal for them. They assume everyone has huge amounts of money to float their business on, apparently. I am caught in a colossal failure in process and communication. I have two managers going to bat for me which I appreciate, but it hasn't helped yet.

Then the performance review happened. I was taking some of the feedback personally and woke up ruminating with my ICr. Rereading all this, I start to feel like their notes on my performance Pale when compared to mine on them.

[movementforthebetter]

Back at the hotel after the first day. It went ok. I have some transportation issues to resolve and still don't have a contract or money, but it was ok. The people are nice. Tonight is all about rest and self-care for me. I'm still sick so just really want to get better asap.

I realized that all this stuff with work and money has been very triggering for me in a specific and not-so-obvious way. It all makes me feel very vulnerable and helpless, like I have no control over my situation. I am still worried about running out of money here, but realizing it doesn't have to happen just because I think it might. As a child, and into much of my adulthood, vulnerability meant weakness which lead to danger. So this whole trip prep and everything that went wrong really threw me into severe anxiety.

I am an adult now, and although I'm not in danger, I have such a strong urge to control as much as I can in my life to fend off danger before it has a chance to happen. I try to do everything myself and be resourceful and not rely on others. But I can't do it all. I have to trust that it's ok to ask for help, and I have to trust that others will help. My extra efforts to appear strong and self-reliant actually hinder my progress at times, and definitely push people away, or disappoint them when I fail after claiming to be fine.

I think that's as deep as I can go in that line of thinking for now, but I'd like to see what other realizations come up in time.

[movementforthebetter]

I'm slowly getting better, illness-wise.

I've spent most of the first 2 days in my new role sorting out my living/transport/money situation. It's been such a mess. It's not even totally sorted, so I will have to check up on things as time goes on.

Insomnia followed me to my new workace. The impression I got was that I was sick enough that I could have called in and stayed in the hotel for the first day but I would have missed a lot of info that's pertinent to my job.

The job seems ok. I'm in a better position than I thought. There was training on things my manager had said I was expected to know going in.  Now I just need to get busy with actual work, not sorting my living situation mess.  I still worry I will be too slow.

On a personal level I confronted some fears and came out on top. I rented a car by myself and drove it on a major highway during rush hour. All huge for me. The car puts more pressure on my finances short term but I got a measure of control and independence in my situation. I am a commuter, even when traveling for work. At least I can come and go as I need to, now.

I'm feeling that being an adult is mainly  about developing a tolerance for the scary things in life and doing them anyway. Of course, some people don't get scared, and some get petrified. I'm not sure where I am in the spectrum. At least I'm moving forward.

[sanmagic7]

mftb, i am impressed with how you're dealing with all this.  way to go!  very glad to hear you're feeling better at last.

i think your statement about being an adult and managing fear while doing what's scary is terrific, and spot on.  i agree completely.   it's a level of being able to rely on ourselves to deal with whatever comes along, and i believe it's a way we learn to trust ourselves, too.  you're doing so good!

i certainly hope that whole financial mess gets cleared up in your favor.  dang, sounds like a lot of incompetent boobs running around not taking care of business and leaving one of their own to fend for themselves.  sucks.   very glad to hear the sublet came to your rescue, at least a bit.

keep up the good work.  sending a hug filled with luck, help, and love.

[movementforthebetter]

This post contains triggers for inner critic abuse and negative self-talk. There is no censorable language.

It's a really long one. I don't have any expectation of anyone reading it. I just had a lot bottled up since the last time I wrote.


Delving further into feeling things this week. Been spending a lot if time alone again. I think it's been good but it's also been quite sinful at times.

In addition to learning that I have to do a lot of the scary things if I want a better life (I hope it's better... The jury's still out on that) I am recognizing some patterns of suffering. I kinda knew about these before - the severe anxiety, procrastination and overwhelm I experience. But I'm seeing a bit more what takes shelter under those covers.

When confronted with a situation in which I could fail to meet expectations, I experience some deep-seated panic and grief. And it happens all. The. Time.

Say I need to do the dishes. My inner critic starts up that I'm a failure if I can't clean up after myself and nobody will love a slob. That was really painful to write. But it's what a big part of me believes. It's such an automatic thing that I don't even notice it usually. The words of the ICr almost don't matter, it's always some variation on that theme.

And it could be any task, I have probably a 75% chance of reacting the same no matter what it is. And then there's this other part of me, I guess it's my inner child, that's so wounded that I either freeze in anxiety or else actually go through levels of grief and reckoning with that before I can get on with what needs doing. Sometimes it comes as a reaction to the ICT, and sometimes it's in anticipation of failure and shame. Any task, any time. That's the essence of the hundreds of battles a day. And I don't usually have enough energy to win all of them, or even most of them. And certainly it affects the speed and confidence with which I do my work. It can also make me very conscientious if I'm not in a rush, although I usually have to be due to tight deadlines imposed by management.

I don't know how to stop any of this before it starts. Once it's started, I second-guess and get distracted so easily. Anything to take me away from the pain of the unknown outcome.



In more external matters that affect my well-being:

Money stress is close to resolved now. Hopefully in the next couple weeks, and that should last a few months. Fingers crossed.

The dating world sees me with one fewer paramour. I can't deal with the emotional labour that was being placed on me by one of the 2 men I was dating. He has been going through some genuinely traumatic things with his primary girlfriend, and I was supporting him through his hard times. I came to feel taken for granted, maybe even abused a little in light of the awfulness he won't end with her. They shouldn't be together. She self-harms and acts out and betrays his trust.

I tried to tell him gently multiple times that he deserves better (not me, haha). But their drama is escalating and is dangerous. It triggered a lot of the old traumas from my relationship with J. I finally tried to tell him a cautionary tale of what I went through by losing myself in a partner's illness and unintentionally enabling it. He chose to not see the parallels, and I told him I couldn't handle it anymore.

But I love him for his kind soul and good nature. I have missed him a lot this week. Ending things is hard... Even the 2nd or 3rd time... Even when it's for the right reasons.

My more "stable"  relationship feels lopsided as well. I am here alone, and he has months to spend with his other girlfriend. I don't think he loves me much, I know he takes me for granted, and I feel he prioritizes me below her even though we were dating first, even though he rushed things with me at first and then back peddled. And still I love him, too. I'm a hopeless romantic.

But I don't have time, energy or availability for more than the occasional date. And spending too much time with him (or anyone) cramps my style pretty quickly. Maybe that's because while good people, these have been the wrong people. Not *quite* worthy of all of me.

When I look at my dating pattern with both of them, I'm mostly too accommodating, teaching them that I'll forgive transgressions. And instead of accepting forgiveness and learning to appreciate me, they continue taking, emotionally and physically.

And still, if I stand up for myself, as I did, I'm the one who ends up lonely, not them. That's the harsh reality, and why I accept less than I think I deserve, never mind any love I feel.

I love my friends, too, but if we grow apart I am ok with it. Why not with lovers? Somehow I have grown to believe romantic love is the most important love, even above loving myself.

[sanmagic7]

mftb, i'm glad you were able to get this stuff out.  i read it all, and it seems like there are a lot of realizations, insights, and questions you've come up with for yourself during this time.   i don't think it's a bad thing.

the anticipation of failure that you battle nearly constantly - how wearing that must be.  i would imagine it also takes any positive anticipation out of the equation of setting yourself to a task and being able to be proud of a job well done (even something as mundane as doing dishes). 

i'm guessing you heard those kinds of messages a lot while you were growing up, and they've stayed with you, made a home for themselves in your mind.  from hearing that you were chosen for this particular project sounds to me like others are able to see your capability to complete tasks just fine - in fact, better than fine, or they'd have picked someone else to represent them. 

i say 'shoo!!!' to those messages that are being shown by the reality of your work to be false.  maybe you can tell them the same thing.  i've taken to yelling 'stop' in my head when unwanted thoughts begin creeping in again.  still can't get away from them completely, but i'm often able to stop them after i catch them showing their nasty selves again.

the bf thing, well, i've looked for men for so long to give me what my dad neglected to - feelings of being loved, being proud of me, making me feel beautiful, accepted, acknowledged.  all those men were either to get something my dad didn't give me, to to rebel against him with.  funny how that works.

don't know if it's similar for you, but, yeah, romantic love has always been important to me.  when i used to do the bar scene, a night without the attention of some guy was considered a failure to me.  i look at that now and think of it as pathetic, but i still count on men to 'rescue me' like my dad never did.  this longing for something that never was dies hard.

i give you a lot of credit, mftb.  as much as you may be struggling, it seems like you're also getting the job done that you were sent there to do.  bottom line -       big hug full of warmth and love.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there, mftb.

I have no other words than to say I've listened and I'm here.

Here's a hug if that's okay. 

[movementforthebetter]

It's been so long since I wrote anything.  Life has been interesting and crazy. I am home now, but it feels weird. Perhaps it will take a while to feel like home again. I am jetlagged. I spent the entirety of yesterday in bed, except for a walk to get breakfast and groceries, and to eat.

I don't even know where to start. I'm such a jumble of emotions that I can't describe anything simply.

Things I am sure of:
I want to leave this city and province, and move to the area I was working. I liked it a lot. And if I liked it for 3 months in the dead of winter, chances are good that I will continue to like it. The life I want seems possible there. It's not possible here. I tried for 10 years.

I have "friends" who say I just have to try harder. Work more. I already work full-time and have my physical and emotional health to maintain. That is a lot, and it's all I can do. I can't really keep up. I feel betrayed that friends, all in more privileged positions, think I need to work more. They have husbands/partners to support them. They have higher incomes and everything that goes with that. It could be that they love me and don't want to lose me. But it doesn't feel like love.

I need so much more therapy to undo my faulty programing. I suffer so much because of it. Even still, I made progress in the last few months.

I learned I can go on in the face of suffering. I can work through my pains. I know that I am strong, determined, and more capable than I was giving myself credit for. But do I want to work in pain? Aspects of my job are agony, and I can't hide it. On one hand I love it, and on the other, I hate it. The aspects I hate have to do with other people. And that's the crux of the work. It makes me feel bipolar, to swing from joy in my work to loathing. I'm sure in the long term it's not worth the toll it takes on me. What I don't know is if there is anything else I can learn about myself through my work. I know there will always be skills to gain, each day will be different, etc. I believe in my company's values for the most part. I just don't believe they actually follow them a lot of the time. And I think that will get worse, too. I'm not a "drink the kool-aid" person. And that's what most people seem to want in a worker. So many coworkers are coercive and abusive. I see it and it disgusts me.

I'm punishing myself less for the things I want and need. I'm gradually growing more confident that the way I want to live is as valid as anyone else's ways. I think maybe I'm less aligned with my friends than I thought, than I pretended to be. I feel like I always have to pretend for Someone. I'm tired of not getting what I want.

So this trip was good for me. And if I respect my desires, major life changes aren't through with me, yet.

[sanmagic7]

well well, look at you mftb.  what a wonderful post to read.  i can't tell you how glad i am for you that these 3 months have been productive for you on so many different levels. 

you need to work more?  sounds like you're doing more than plenty enough work to me.  like you said, they have different lives, incomes, support systems plus you also are working with your own mental and physical stuff.  yep, quite enough on your plate.

if you're contemplating a move, then yes, i'd say there are more major life changes in store for you.  however, from what you wrote, it also sounds like it won't be anything you can't manage.  here's to a bright future for you.  sending a hug filled with discovery, care and love.