Each Day A Blank Page

[movementforthebetter]

I stayed home from work today. I had major insomnia last night after already not sleeping well every other night this week. I'm a bit nauseous and have upset stomach, too.

The whole first half of this week was so stressful. I'm behind in my work for a multitude of reasons including missing information and interruptions, but am sure from management's perspective it looks like I can't  prioritize my workload. I am completely overwhelmed and there's nobody to help.

Work that used to be done by 6 is being covered by 3 on our team. Half our managers quit in the last 5 months. The remaining ones are constantly travelling across the country for training that we may or may not ever see ourselves. We are grossly under-staffed throughout.

And still I feel guilty about taking a sick day. I'm that well trained.

I can't balance my life and my work life for a long period, sustainably. Especially not when it's like this. And it seems to always be like this. In fact, things at work have gotten worse and worse consistently since I started here.
The company is too big and the gears grind with no feeling for the cogs they're crushing.

Maybe I'll clean today. Maybe I won't. But I needed today to rest and refocus. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you took the day for you, mftb.   that kind of work atmosphere is exhausting and, to my mind, crazy-making.  impossible expectations and then blame for not meeting them?  nah, not ok.  been there and it's horrible.

yeah, we're trained well not to look out for ourselves, not to call it abuse when that's exactly what it is.  there's a reason those managers quit.

i'm just sorry you're stuck in that grinding gearshaft.  big hug to you.

[movementforthebetter]

I managed to make the most of my day at home despite feeling rotten for most of it. I did laundry, took out garbage and recycling, and did my taxes. So tonight's blank page is filled by me celebrating the fact that I'm clawing my way out of my despair pit, one small act at a time.

[Three Roses]

[sanmagic7]

 

[movementforthebetter]

I did a sink full of dishes. I'm trying to be very conscious of how I spend my energy and not overdoing things. I am a bit shaky right now. So one sink full is a start.

Not today, because I am in a good place for self-reflection, but lately, I have been feeling so much overwhelm, anger, and some dismay. Like almost every person I encounter reminds me of some past situation in which I was powerless. As a result, my conversations have leaned into the negative pretty heavily. On one hand, I am speaking my current truth. On the other, I don't want to be around anyone.

I think about how I plan to move away and start over again. In a whisper my inner critic tells me I'm a coward and quitting too soon and not working hard enough. My inner cheerleader thinks I'm brave, and willing to face a difficult decision that many people turn away from.

I'm slowly re-calibrating and getting ready for the next phase of my life. I haven't done it yet, but will be looking for a new therapist. This isn't a terrible thing. We may have reached a natural end in what I can gain from my work with her.

*shaking is gone. Just really sleepy now.

I really need to monitor my autocorrect better. Lots of complete nonsense sentences lately.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with your cheerleader.  yah!

[movementforthebetter]

Woke up from a vague but troubling dream and ended up in a rapid panic spiral. I don't feel very coherent in thought.

I'll be finding my company's employee emergency assistance number in the morning.

I've been up for 2 hours, and had almost convinced myself I need to go on leave, which triggered an EF about the time I was on leave 17 or so years ago. The forms, the interviews, the group therapy.

I'm hoping that by noticing this spiral and acknowledging it, I can calm down. I need tomorrow to be a good day, a productive day. I'm behind answering feel like there's little chance of success without working unpaid overtime and letting myself be exploited.

I have a coworker who took leave last year (and her workload was dumped on me). I plan to ask her about that, though. I want to know what her experiences have been like. I suspect similar to mine, but she says she loves her job.

I've been trying so hard to stay in the moment lately. Mindfulness of sensations does a tiny bit. Visualizing putting feelings in a box does nothing. I'll try to take moments to check my breathing but things come so fast at work that the only chance I get is when walking from one task area to another, if I don't get interrupted by someone. My last resorts that I can remember now are visualizing a reverse spiral, and visualizing my safe place. At least I remember them this time. Usually in a panic attack or EF, I don't.

[radical]

With you in spirit MFTB.
It sounds like you ae managing this really well.  I know how painful it is.
Wish there was more I could do

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're remembering those ways of getting yourself back on track, mftb.  that's wonderful news.  well done.   

[movementforthebetter]

I went away for a long weekend and had a great time. But it wasn't enough time away for me to feel rested. I went home sick yesterday right after getting to work, and I am home sick today too. I'm so frozen. I feel like I can't cry anymore. Crying now consists of a tear or two leaking out and that is all. My insides are a total tangle.

I went to my Dr yesterday for my physical symptoms and she said she couldn't detect any physical reason for them. So this is the second time lately that I've been told the medical equivalent of "it's all in my head". Probably.

We're increasing the dosage of my meds. I don't know if it will help me through the next few months but I hope so.

I'm hoping I can pull my life back together a bit today. I've got myself in a difficult spot in life with not much support, so I have to work harder at caring for myself. Put some good habits back in place. Hopefully the rest will feel a bit better tomorrow.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, that's tough. I don't know what to say. Other than that it sounds terrible, and I wish you the best of luck to heal. 

[movementforthebetter]

This place has become pretty sacred to me. I think what I write here is the most clear and honest description of my experiences in life. And still I question so much. Question myself so much. Play the parts to get by, but the script kills me a day at a time.

Even for friends, it's the same. I'm currently playing "helpful friend" and giving up a weekend to volunteer at an event my friend puts on. He makes money on it. Why do I do it, when I'm not well? Because I'm playing the part of a person who is well. The part of a good friend. Because this is what normal people do, right? Help each other.

Would he have my back? Probably? But none of it really connects on a deep level. Everything feels superficial these days, except for overwhelm and desperation to leave.

I still laugh and can have fun. It just seems that they're anomalies in the sea of my boring depression. They don't last, and I don't feel at home in them for long.

My hope is that in a few months I will be writing a new script in my life. That this will be worth it for what comes next. Hope is somehow still there when not much else is. And just after I hit my breaking point, that's when things will ease up. That's been the pattern of my life, as much as I am aware of it.

[movementforthebetter]

I think my meds have kicked in. Wow am I angry. About work, and about life, and the notion of respect and the actuality of it. I think I've maybe hit the dose that's allowing me to connect with the feeling. Not sure if it's meds, or maybe my life does suck that much and I can't fake/take it anymore.

[movementforthebetter]

Lately I feel something akin to sympathy for my mother. She was obviously way out of her depth, way too young, and completely not ready to raise kids. She managed somehow. Sometimes kinda. But so much of what happened in those years scarred me for life, and I don't forgive her for that, nor for her eternal selfishness.

The irony is that lately I see and feel it in myself. All of this anger I've been feeling and expressing. I sound like her. All of this exhaustion and wanting to do nothing but sleep. I'm becoming her. I know why. I'm feeling stuck. Imagine that plus two kids she didn't want.  No wonder she was so unhappy. Not that that should have been for me to feel.

I have another friend who has a very rambunctious son. She yells at him a lot and is rough with him. It triggers me a lot. I think it's abusive behaviour that will get worse as he gets older. I haven't said anything. I don't know what to say. She doesn't hit him or call him names, but she's mean and grabs him and yanks him hard.

I'm not a mother. I don't know what it feels like from a mother's perspective. I only know a child's perspective. My perspective. Which is valid, although most of the world seems to not see it that way.