Each Day A Blank Page

[movementforthebetter]

I've been having trouble admitting to friends that I plan to leave and move away. It's all so simple and so complicated at the same time.

I don't want to be a drain on my boyfriend when I get there, so I want to find a job first before moving but that is very hard to do from across the country. The longer I stay here, the more into debt I am going. I am travelling for work again soon, which will help make a bit more money. Work, however, is increasingly awful all the time, to levels I won't go into here. So I'm struggling to make it to the fall, and feel that I can't leave yet. I feel like I'll need a big chunk of time not working after this job just to undo the damage it's done. I am afraid to ask for this.

All of this has eroded my sense of self-worth. Don't deserve to go or take time away, can't afford it and afraid to be a burden. Not functioning to boss's satisfaction at work which I let make me feel unworthy of help, hate being there, feel traumatized and demoralized by the toxic environment.

It's quite the corner I've painted myself into.

I've considered medical leave but my Dr is more interested in keeping me working, despite me visiting repeatedly for stress and most recently nightmares. She suggested a CBT program that I will be away at work during. And how do I tell her my past therapy was CBT based and I am still this way currently? I definitely feel like I am falling through the cracks and need more help but can't seem to find it. All the resources out there seem to be for someone else. Younger, older, richer, poorer, etc.

For a long time I didn't write because I didn't like the negative tone in my words. But this is me and my experience. For now I am negative because I am struggling.

[movementforthebetter]

It takes me so long to process how I feel about things. This is because it's rarely just one emotion that I feel when something happens. But rather than there being a mix of emotions, even though that's how I'd describe it to others; because that's relatable, it's more like layers of sediment in a river delta. As soon as something stirs my surface, my waters become murky and I have trouble expressing myself clearly, or at all. Then I have to wait for everything to settle and dig through all the layers of my emotions to determine my base feelings and the reasons for that before I can express what I feel. Few understand that, and fewer have the patience for my process. So I get stuck feeling, and the world moves on without me. Whatever I feel and the time I need isn"t relevant in most people's worlds. It's probably the main reason so few really know me.

I cried at work last week. My manager came and criticized my work and told me it had to be redone, while I was literally on the last step of a project, in front of an intern, another team member, and a coworker from a different department. I was so angry with her I had to walk away. The anger and humiliation choked me and I couldn't even speak. I made it to the bathroom but I'm sure everyone knows I cried.

I have no pride in my work there because every time I think I have a reason to feel good about my work, it gets put down by someone. Everyone has an opinion yet none of them have the skills to succeed in my job. And supposedly, neither do I. Yet I don't get the tools, time, resources or training to succeed. I guess I'm supposed to perform magic. I can't wait to quit. I work so hard for so much abuse and it's so demoralizing. This is all so painful for me and I don't know why I ever thought I was strong enough for this. I'm not. If I had understood that going into a creative job would be entering an abusive relationship, I wouldn't have done it. I've had enough of that in my life.

The major plus I am trying to focus on is that I met my boyfriend because of this job. I never would have otherwise.

And I suppose at the end of this, I will have seen "the difficult thing" through, and somehow proved my worth as a person. To who? The world, my family, and hopefully me. It's so easy to say that all doesn't matter. But I don't actually know how to get past it.

[movementforthebetter]

Sleep seems to have settled into 4 hour chunks, with a 2 or 3 hour break in the middle this means that in order to get enough sleep, I need to budget about 11 hours of low-key resting time per day. If I do too much in that 3 hour window, I can't catch my second sleep window. As it is, that second sleep is usually shorter during the week - only and hour or an hour and a half. But I don't fight my being awake. It only makes my anxiety worse.

I learned a few things about my physical/sleep health recently. I snore, and I think I may have sleep apnea. I find with my meds that sometimes I sigh heavily but it's closer to gasping, as though I am catching my breath after holding it. I suspect this happens in my sleep, too. My boyfriend visited recently and told me that I talk in my sleep. I can hold down a conversation and very clearly confirmed that I was asleep. I had no memory of this upon waking.

I've had more vivid nightmares lately. Whether this is because of daytime anxiety, memories of trauma, or both, I don't know. But I've woken up a few times in a panic attack. I saw my Dr and now have a prescription for Ativan, which I can't take unless actually having a panic attack because it's so strong I get narcoleptic for up to 12 hrs. But it's there for emergencies.

[sanmagic7]

i totally relate to this - i've slept in chunks for many many years.   

[movementforthebetter]

Had a nap due to the heat today, and so am awake late. Head has been running in circles. (Think Homer Simpson spinning around on the floor à la Three Stooges)

I was outside lots this weekend. It was exactly what I need in my life as much as possible. Was also grateful to "the evil corporations" that developed our country enough that there are roads to get to the beautiful places, and paths so that I can visit safely. My first hike of the day I was legitimately afraid of encountering a bear. It didn't happen. Second area I visited was beyond beautiful. Again made accessible by development. I think often of how hard it must have been for pioneers. Yet it rarely occurs to me to wonder how it was for the indigenous peoples of Canada. Did they fear surprising bears in the woods the way I do?

So, despite being a misanthrope, I don't qualify for hermit status. Interesting because I want to live close to nature. Like most people, I suppose. And even though it's a simple life I crave, I find myself working harder and harder to chase it. I will likely have to settle at some point for what I can get... Like most people.

A lot happened in life. I bought a car a couple of months ago. Also had my first minor fender bender already. Beginners Luck!

Personal side of life is decent. Professional side sucks. Need  a job where I won't be overwhelmed... If that exists. I wish on one hand that I had a concrete diagnosis so I could work within my limits without being punished. Although, loads of people are discriminated against with a diagnosis, so it might not help.

For now, just have to spend as much time outside as I can. Make the next few months enjoyable whenever I can.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, that whole 'progress' thing does have its pos. and neg. sides.  i'm just glad for you that you have access to nature; also glad you didn't meet a bear!

i'm with you on the environment angle.  i'll be moving to a place where our backyard is forest and we can hear the ocean.  quite the wonderful combination, to my mind. 

i do hope you find a job that's less overwhelming, more in line with what you'd really like to be doing at the pace that's right for you.  our invisible illnesses/disabilities/whatevers can really set us up to feel uncomfortable.

i've often thought of the pioneers as well, altho my people made their journey over the ocean to get to america.  still, hardy stock, against all odds, and a spirit that would not be put down.  it's served me well over time.   keep taking care of you, mftb.  love and hugs to you.

[movementforthebetter]

It's the solstice so apparently I have insomnia. Haven't even been tired. The whole day has gone by weirdly fast, though.

I started packing for my work trip. My clothes are now whittled down to the point that they almost all fit in my suit case and carry-on. I intend to give away the rest before I go. I intend to be moved by year end. I m still home for another week. Maybe it's weirdly early to pack. I think this is anxiety's handiwork.

It occurred to me tonight that I don't truly feel safe with anyone. I was watching a show with witty banter where the characters lovingly, jokingly insult each other. I realized that some of my coworkers have that, too. I don't think I will. Sometimes I think I'm missing out. But I only make jokes like that when "on"... Overcompensating to fit in. I'm too self conscious to think it's ok to make those jokes much. Too self conscious to take the. With a grain of salt if they were made to me. Just one word heard wrong and my ICr starts screaming that it's true and I'm horrible. Plus I'm not fast enough to be considered witty, I don't think.

I think wit is symbolic of feeling free to share my thoughts without fear of judgement. I'm trying to foster that with my boyfriend. He has done nothing but prove he is supportive and trustworthy. It's scary. I feel so vulnerable. I think in the past I have sabotaged things when I felt that way. I don't want to this time.

Watched a show in which two characters are depressed and going through a slob spell. One of them gets manic and starts cleaning. I related waaaay to much to it. I don't think I'm bipolar, but that "maybe" always sits in the back of my mind.

[sanmagic7]

good for you for recognizing sabotage tendencies, getting a hold on that, and not wanting to do it this time.  nicely done.  i know it's scary, i appreciate that feeling of vulnerability.  sometimes it's helped me to understand the reality (his support) and the irrational fear (the past).  i hope you can keep yourself in this supportive present.

keep taking care of you first, always.   love and hugs.

[movementforthebetter]

It was an angry day. I cannot manage everything being thrown at me. Nor do I want to. Nor am I convinced that anyone else really has, except possibly 1 person. I think I quit my job, in my mind, 50 times over today.

A few years before I got there, they had a strike. It lasted a year and a half. Nothing was sufficiently resolved, and so these years (or even decades) old issues are still there. Still making each task take many times longer than it should. If it's even possible with all the roadblocks that pop up. I feel cometely set up to fail and it enrages me to be held to impossible standards.

I just want to leave. I want someone to say that I should do what it takes to get myself out of the toxic mess. To take the time I need to get better. I want someone to say that they have my back. No one has, and I can't do it alone. I need my paycheck.

I've found dark thoughts drifting through my mind in the past couple weeks. They don't stay long, but they do keep coming back.

I'm not sure how long I can handle this job and the futility of fighting for it. I'm emotionally exhausted.

[sanmagic7]

with all that that job entails emotionally, it doesn't surprise me that either thoughts of quitting or going to dark places in your mind are happening.  i wish there was a way you could get out, find another job with a less toxic environment, and find at least a little peace.  standing with you, mftb.  thru all of this.  sounds like it totally sucks.

sending a hug filled with love, warmth, and best wishes for a pos. outcome to all this.

[movementforthebetter]

Dealing with intense physical exhaustion today. My body aches and my brain is foggy. I can barely keep my eyes open.

I may not leave my bed today.

[movementforthebetter]

I've been working in the new location for a week and a half. It's mostly been good. I've settled in, done lots of sight-seeing, and spent time with my boyfriend.

Just a lot of little things in this job are happening that seem abusive or stupid to me, which I had mostly been shrugging off, but starting to add up. I'm trying to remember that everyone is under pressure here.

In this role I am building on work from my previous trip. Things I was required to communicate but not given enough time to complete are causing complications now. While I do accept that it was my role to do certain things, much of that work, and this work now, is out of my hands. I have people frequently questioning my decisions or not listening to me when I do answer the questions. I'm tired of having the same conversations over and over, while still trying to jump through the company's  hoops, and complete my tasks with inadequate tools. Feeling like a failure today. Hopefully this will pass before it becomes more painful.

I wonder if I could just do nothing but focus on healing for as long as I needed, what would I end up doing after that? It certainly wouldn't be what I am doing now.

[movementforthebetter]

Trying to hold the fragments of a dream. It was somewhat a memory, but then it went further. A final exam essay I wrote about indigenous people and the challenges they face in America today. The essay had earned me an A+. Somehow I ended up discussing it with an estranged friend, who is First Nations. In real life my essay was based on a short story by a famous American Indian author. In the dream, I based  it on the work of a famous white author. Because of the source being outside, my friend stopped me in my tracks and refused to hear me, even though I was on his side. The source was enough to sew mistrust. I wanted so badly for him to hear me but fell silent. No matter how much of "his" pain I empathized with, I was letting mine eclipse listening and learning.

No matter if it feels like it, I am part of a majority that profits from exploiting and abusing others. And then I tried to excuse myself by claiming I understood. In doing so, I was essentially also profiting from the pain of others.

One of the oppressed who is also an opressor, rewarded by one of my own race. An abuse victim myself, I still benefit from abuse. And then I wanted him to absolve me or something.

I don't know if I can hold any lasting learning from this dream. Listen more and be humble, I suppose.

My inner critic is strongest in my dreams. I just don't know what to do when I wake up thinking it may be right.

As I struggle to heal myself, I have to be selfish, even though that goes against my ideal nature, to the exclusion of others who are suffering more. Is healing worth it if I can't help others while on my path? I'm hoping I will still have a chance to both heal and help, but I am terrified of feeling pains greater than my own, when mine have already burdened me so much.

That is possibly the narcissistic flea of my abuse. I maybe could do more, but don't actually want to if it will cause me more discomfort. Not a nice reality to acknowledge in myself.

[movementforthebetter]

My thoughts have turned lately to what my life might look like if I was primarily focused on self care. This has been a nice part of being away from my home location this time. The work is about executing, rather than planning with limited information. Overall, I like that better. I still get overstimulated at times, but it's not so desperately overwhelming as at home.

There's been much talk this year of how women live in rape culture (and still do), but now I realize that it falls under the greater influence of abuse culture, and that permeates everything, especially workplaces.

So if my work is just work, and I accept that I can't do as much as I had been doing at work once I put my needs first, then I need to look for a couple things. Either less responsibility, or less time at work.

I guess I'm accepting that recovery for me won't be a path to some kind of middle-class independence. It's more likely to be a rejection of it, because every employer I have worked for has been abusive in one way or another. I know now that I need to work much more independently, or with instruction that is clear and concise. I don't think I have room to be flexible in that. It costs me too much.

A focus on self-care means I am placing my emotional and physical health above my job responsibilities. This is literally the opposite of what I was taught by an instructor who said that there will be times where you have to go to work with no sleep - just make sure you shower. It means actually calling in sick more, going to the Dr more, and acknowledging that I need more help to function daily.

On one hand, writing this is triggering, because when I first acknowledged my mental illness, my world fell apart and I ended up on welfare for a while. But on the other hand, I am approaching my needs with awareness this time. It doesn't have to be the same as in the past. It's not even likely to be. I am not in crisis, I am just exhausted.

Still, not being in crisis exactly, being able to put on the show of normalcy, I don't know how to cope with the outside world. All I can do is live one day at a time, and think in terms of time either away from or back in my safe zones. All I can do is create my own little world, no matter how small, since the big one, though beautiful, is full of such rubbish humans.

[movementforthebetter]

It's the middle of the night where I am. I had a very full weekend and it was fun, but it left me exhausted and asleep by 7pm...and so I am awake now.

Someone told me that the sleeping in chunks tendency is like an instinctual trait, left from times when we needed to wake and stoke the fire or add another log... That 4-5 hours is about the longest an average camp fire lasts on it's own, and at that point a person would start to feel colder and wake up.

That could be balserdash, but it makes enough sense that it gives me a little comfort, and it's a nice way to spin the chronic insomnia.

Over the past year or so, at points, I have realized aspects of my progress. Most have been good. But today I am wondering about my emotions deadening from my medication. I am wondering about whether or not it's a good thing. And the irony is, I still suffer, although possibly not as much. It's really positive experiences I am noticing are curbed.

I did a thrill-seeking activity today. I had done it once before on a smaller scale, not Ike today's dramatic setting and size. Today, I barely felt nervous, and had only a short peak of adrenaline for maybe a minute before and a minute after, and the I was tired within a half hour. The first time I did it (8 yrs ago!) my legs were shaking for an hour after. It's an interesting change.

I've also noticed this in love. I know that I love, but the butterflies don't come anymore, even though my boyfriend and I have great chemistry.

Good experiences are still good, they're just a lot more low-key. I hope they will prove to be just as memorable, regardless.