Each Day A Blank Page

[movementforthebetter]

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS for parental bereavement in this post.


Things are moving along ok out here. At least from my end. I have no control of anything and for once I feel some perspective and am not taking it devastatingly personally like I normally would. I am not a failure because there are significant delays. I am doing what I can to work hard and be productive. For whatever reason, the industry I am in is short-sighted and adverse to allocating adequate resources to allow a project to run smoothly, or at least smoother. It's not on me to fix that.

I successfully asserted myself when a co-worker / supervisor kept interrupting me. It's ironic because I do this too, to get a word in edgewise, but also when I am impatient. I recognize it's a control thing, and I do it more when I feel like the other person is monologuing to dominate the conversation. Not equally giving as well as taking focus. So in this case I just kept on talking while he talked. He thought I'd drop off and listen but my sentence was longer and I just kept going. Didn't call it out, didn't get annoyed, just didn't give him my attention while I was working through my idea. For myself, I recognize I do it, and I'll try to be aware and do it less. I don't know if I needed to do it, but I got fed up with being cut off by him repeatedly, and I'm not very patient with rudeness.

I'm probably not writing as much as I should. I know I shouldn't should, lol. It's just that I feel like I have so much to put down when I get here that I end up missing realizations and explorations. I'm doing what I can, and that has to be enough for now.

Been thinking about fatigue again. Working on recognizing and appreciating my limits. Am generally listening to my body better these days. I don't do much after work but sleep. Physical work makes much else almost impossible. It's ok for now.

I read an article about the grief of losing a parent unexpectedly as an adult and the physiological and psychological effects that has. Basically nodded along the whole read. Made my chest tight for a half hour or so. Again, irony. The anniversary of my dad's death is in a couple of weeks, on my 2nd last day of working out here. He died of a heart attack.

I am homesick. But also homesick for a life that's not actually mine. A life I want. One that feels out of reach, because in order to have it, I will be disappointing people. I can't avoid that. Everyone wants something different.

[movementforthebetter]

Today has been an unexpectedly introspective day. It's a good thing. I've enjoyed working out here in general, and certainly exploring in my off hours. But my self care could be better. 

I realize now that around the time my therapist went on mat leave, my progress had plateaued. In the 10 months since, I have been backsliding.

Today, somehow, something in me woke up and I see that I'm ready for another leg in this journey. Because of that, I'm now impatient to go home. Also, it would be nice to skip the final weeks of work chaos, even though that's just a dream.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post for self-harm/injury, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, destructive behaviour and inner critic/negative self-talk.


An Internet friend of mine posted on her Facebook today that she is in treatment for an eating disorder. She is pretty open about her struggles with ADD, anxiety and depression. And now this. I want to be supportive but it's triggered me into negative headspace. I feel very alone and unsure how to show my support in a more meaningful way than an electron heart. Not sure that my support would even matter. She has many, many online and irl friends. I don't think my voice matters significantly to her.

It's triggered me in a few ways. The big thing is a huge amount of shame I feel. Mainly like I am not worthy of help for my own struggles. She is severely obese and has a child. I could lose 30lbs and have no dependents. There's no comparison of needs there. And yet I feel needy, and ashamed of my need.

It occurs to me that my country's healthcare system does contribute to my feeling worthless. I would be more motivated to get help if I hadn't been outright dismissed more than once by doctors. And if our system provided treatment for people at more levels than urgent. For me, anything less than dire has been met with "wait and see", "it's in your head", or "that's not what you're experiencing". I had written examples here, but deleted them when I realized I was just trying to convince any readers that I had been done wrong. It doesn't matter.

I feel narcissistic because her pain has triggered this in me. It's not about me. And yet here I am and it is about me because I empathise and am reminded of my own struggles.

Once things go well for a while, and people see that I am reliable, things start coming at me faster and then I get overwhelmed and can't keep up. I struggle to maintain boundaries and then my routines go, and I start to spiral out. I would say I am early spiral now. I picked until I was bleeding in several spots.

I also overate today. Then I came back to my room and ate a bunch of fudge. It had been intended for coworkers. Now I have to eat it all and buy more for them, so I take a health and monetary hit. Double self-sabbotage.

I don't know the definition of an eating disorder, but I'm sure I have one. I eat to forget, feel better, and sometimes to punish myself. When punishing myself, it is because I am trying to destroy myself... To kill myself a bit at a time. That would probably sound absurd anywhere but here.

I've had intrusive thoughts for a couple months that I don't want to live. Not that I would act on them, but the thoughts come in once or twice, nearly every day. I think maybe they are always there but lately I have been consciously noticing them.

[movementforthebetter]

This post may be triggering re: boundary violations and touch.


Today I'm thinking a lot about interactions that are perfectly normal to others, but foreign, uncomfortable, and even scary to me.

I saw a co-worker braiding another co-worker's hair. Like a mother would do for a daughter, or close friends.

The last time I clearly remember a friend braiding my hair was in junior high school. It may have happened in college, too, but I don't remember. I remember that it feels lovely.

The other thing that struck me happened today. A co-worker wanted to show me something and grabbed my hand, leading me along. It wasn't done maliciously, but it blew past my boundaries ans she didn't ask. She's half my age and so sweet that I didn't get mad or pull away. Just went with it. It startled me but happened too fast to get wrapped up in it.

These things made me think about the vulnerability so many people have no problem sharing with others. The lack of fear. The way it doesn't occur to them that someone might not want to be touched.

I am basically ok with being touched by my friends, but that's usually it. Would that ever be able to change for me? Can I change, and do I want it to?

The wall I built protects me, but also keeps out the kindness in others. I am living a cliché.

[movementforthebetter]

I am worn out. Physically sick. Missed work today. I literally can't handle working hard for so long - my body eventually gives out. I was actually being pretty good to my body, too. Eating a fairly balanced diet and was highly active every day. Didn't matter. My immune system isn't as robust as some people's. And so I spent the day off work sick, and probably should tomorrow too, but won't because the project ends next week, and I'll be heading home. Then I can start crafting my next stage. But one thing at a time, first, more sleep.

[movementforthebetter]

One of the toxic traps I keep stepping into is insidious ableist thinking.

Like with being sick right now, I had to realize that I was mad at myself for "letting myself" get sick. I heard others say that they couldn't "afford to be sick" and then my inner critic started up with me that I'm somehow inferior because I am sick. But I'm not. Our working conditions aren't the healthiest, and the fact that more aren't sick is either luck or physiogy or both; neither of which are anything I have control of. I still feel guilty taking a sick day. But it's not my shame I'm feeling, it's theirs. It's like a subtle bullying.

I'm pretty sure I'm sick enough to stay home today, but if I don't get my timesheet signed today, I don't get paid properly. And even having done all that, I didn' t get paid on time last week. My bank's fault, it turns out. And it was rent cheque payday. So all that extra stress plus dirty working conditions, and here I am sick. I shouldn't be surprised, and neither should anyone else.

Still, here I am, sick and unsure how to proceed. And that's what so many better-off people don't want to understand. Being sick wasn't a choice. The only choice I have now is how to navigate the difficult situation it's left me in.

[sanmagic7]

i think our immune systems have gotten compromised thru stress - i'm sure mine has.  no, it's not your fault or shame that you're sick.  yes, you can now make the choices you need to make to rectify the situation you find yourself in.

i started taking a lot of vit. and mineral supplements a while ago, and i think they've helped me a lot.  i've also cut down my stress levels where and when i could, and i think that's helped as well.  it's a change, tho, one i'm not sure i'm finished processing.

i am sorry you're sick,  i know that feeling all too well, and it sucks.  please, just take care of yourself as best you can, first and foremost.  sending love and a hug full of healing.

[movementforthebetter]

I'm on the eve of my last day of this work assignment. I'm ready to go home. But I have enjoyed most of my time here. I think I made the most of it. It was certainly a rare experience for me. I learned a lot.

It was very hard at many points. I felt like a failure a lot. But there were some notable successes. And tonight, on the eve of the close of the project, I had a woman from another department tell me to my face that she doesn't value my department's work, thinks she can do it just as well with her own workers who don't have my skills or education, and resents the time spent meeting with us. She told us that nationally her team wants to replace everyone on mine because they don't see the value we add.

A night of what was supposed to be celebration amongst colleagues with the end of this years-long project has deflated and left me feeling depressed and insecure about my future. My years of schooling and trying to establish myself feel like they were for naught here. My dream career is nothing but dissolutionment in reality. I am resented for the opportunities I took advantage of, and for privileges perceived that I worked hard for. And still in debt for this supposed privelege.

I had suspected that I was possibly being sabotaged, or at least experiencing active opposition and hindrance in my work. I tried to brush that off as paranoia, but now I think I was actually right.

[movementforthebetter]

Back from my work trip. Resting and sleeping a lot, then back to work tomorrow.

Overall, I was happy with my work experience despite many issues along the way. I chalk that up to experience and growth on my part.

That said, the issues that came up were serious, and I'm not sure how and when to address them.

2 days before the end of the project I was told a significant change was needed. It became a rush to complete it. I made a mistake during the last day that could have been risky to others. It wasn't. I feel it's important to note that I was never trained to do the work I was doing, just thrown into it. I completed my portion of the work.

The mistake was discovered by a supervisor in another department, and he was very angry with me. He angrily ordered me to redo it in front of others, and when I was doing it said I had been cutting corners. I managed to stick up for myself a little, and said I wasn't intentionally cutting corners, and that he was being very rude. But the damage to me was already done.

I was weepy for an hour or so after. He eventually apologized to me. But it's not ok. This has tainted the whole project for me.

I believe this one incident is an example of a toxic and abusive work culture that undermines and exploits its workers. And I think it's probably rampant in the company. At least in my country.

I don't know if I should tell my supervisors or managers about this. I had another co-worker with me who witnessed all of it. If I file a complaint, I don't have faith that anything would come of it. He's "more valuable" to the company than me.

I already know I want to leave my location. I was on the fence about the company. I keep wondering which new straw will actually break the camel's back.

[movementforthebetter]

Triggers in this post for graphic talk of self injury.


Spent the first 2 hours at home after work today zoned out and kinda frozen or at least dissociated. I had things I could be doing but couldn't make myself do any of them.

Instead I picked at my skin. I'm mostly picking at hard scars these days, that just swell up, but sometimes I get some satisfaction. Those times usually end with me bleeding. There's still this big part of me that won't be satisfied unless I self destruct. I ruin my skin and risk infection. A couple of  months ago I think I picked a small cyst out of my beast. It was like a huge whitehead, but firm, round, and left a big bleeding hole in my skin. I cleaned and bandaged it, and have a scar about the size of a pen-cap now. I am repulsed at myself yet compelled to pick. And not just with my hands.

When I was younger I had a weird lump behind my last molar on my bottom jaw. I should have gone to the dentist and had it checked, but my mom would resent me for needing medical care and only took me if things were dire. I internalized a lot of that harshness and neglect.

I worked my tongue around it, for a week or two, as it worked up to the surface, then became like a moveable flap of skin. I worked it until it eventually fell out like a loose tooth. I don't remember much beyond that. But a few years later, when I had my impacted wisdoms out, the Dr said I must have had a cyst that went away on it's own because I have a gap or hollow spot in my jaw bone, which could cause problems later, and made removing my wisdoms harder.

My urge to self-destruct is a good meditation topic. What am I trying to destroy?

[Blueberry]

Hello movementforthebetter,

I know this is your journal and you might not want a response but I feel compelled to reply. First of all I'd like to suggest two Self-Harm Organizations that Kizzie posted about here: http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=5897.0 I haven't checked them for myself so I don't know how triggering they might be. But I'm sure Kizzie did check them.

I do non-bloody forms of self-injury so I'm unfortunately well-acquainted with being zoned out and injuring myself instead of getting on with whatever.

Could it be that you don't want to destroy anything but that you have internalised that harsh neglect so much that it's destroying you? That's sort of what turned up in my own therapy on a similar topic. My self-harm ideation (which sometimes comes as very violent pictures which I have never carried out and would never carry out) seemingly stemmed from self-hate but actually turned out to be my having internalised the hate my mother showed me when I was a child.

I could certainly not meditate on this kind of topic for myself. It would be far too triggering. It would take me far too far into the subject matter, into the feelings and into the memories. In the past I would go too far into this kind of topic and that turned out to be because of the emotional and physical neglect I experienced as a child. I was perpetuating it. On a deep emotional level I didn't realise I was allowed to set a limit to protect myself. The medical neglect was not as terrible as what you experienced, at least I don't think so. I realise I'm walking a fine line here between giving advice and something else, but please be careful. Please be gentle to yourself.

I still do self-injure but I have also learned to do some self-care which I have been told actually works as a counter balance. Every time I gently brush my hair instead of pulling it out that reinforces self-care neural networks. Baby steps count here.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for your words, blueberry, it gave me something else to think about and took some pressure off.




In this week of readjustment I had some moments of... Something. New awareness, maybe. At one point I was triggered by a co-worker, in a situation where I couldn't leave because we were repairing a heavy object. I was on the inside corner, and he started verbally barfing his unhappiness to me, unasked. I saw myself trapped in that moment, physically and emotionally, as I have been in the past. I have had other coworkers physically block me in, or even take hold of me.

They don't know that when they do it, I flash back to any one of the instances of violence that left me feeling so helpless. Nor do I want them to know. I would just like for people to be considerate of others (including me) , which is apparently an impossible ask these days!

I didn't feel as helpless this time. Just annoyed. I no longer care much about my coworkers, which sucks. But I have been away so much that I feel excluded from our team to a degree. I felt it intensely the first time I went on assignment. And it's back this time, too. Always on the outside, it seems. It's ok, I can resign myself to it. And it makes it easier for me when it's time to go.

After feeling pretty down a lot of the past week, I found a spark within myself that reminded me: I have to make the future I want. So at least I managed to clean a bit and do dishes. It's a start.

[movementforthebetter]

Been home sick with an infection the past few days. I'm probably sick enough to be home all week, but who gets the luxury of a sick week unless they are almost dying nowadays? We live in such a backwards society. So anyway, back to work tomorrow. I should have had a note for 3 days off, but don't. Didn't want to ask or pay for one. I'm an adult. If they want proof I was sick, they can look at my tonsils.

Antibiotics started helping almost immediately. I've actually been sick for at least a month at this point, and some of my symptoms have gone on longer. I went to 2 different Dr's about my ear in the last year. Both brushed it off, basically saying "allergies". Allergy pills never really helped, just masked some symptoms.

This time, with with a serious dose of antibiotics for a different but related symptom, I am seeing improvement and starting to feel better. It's both gratifying and frustrating.

The fatigue is not in my head. The aches are not in my head. I just don't know what is repeatedly causing them for sure, yet. I'm a lucky health mystery.

Have slept so much in 3 days that I am disoriented. Almost bedtime again, too.

I'll be really behind at work, gonna be hard to catch up. Just gotta focus for a week and a bit more til I have a week off. Then maybe I will rest while healthy. That sounds nice.

[movementforthebetter]

Still sick from a month ago. Not desperately ill, just really annoyingly so. The kind of sick that distracts and drives crazy. It's affecting my sleep, and it is still uncomfortable to swallow. Been to 4 Dr's, including my work trip. No one knows what I have except "not strep". I have swollen lymph nodes and inflamed tonsils and ear pain and pain swallowing. It's a case of wait and see, but after this past month, I'm starting to get anxious. At least I've been persistent. Staying home from work as much as I can afford, going back to the Dr. as often as I think is warranted. I've had mixed experiences with Dr's, but I'm not going to let that deny me the care I need any more. Until I am actually better, I will remind them that I need them to continue treating me, instead of sucking it up and living with it, as I have previously.

[movementforthebetter]

I had a horribly stressful day at work. Trying to meet deadlines and expectations that have no basis in reality, with people who don't care even enough to do the basics of their jobs. Working here has been a 2 year group project from *. But I did that, at least. Today was an early start, no lunch break, and 30 min OT. Barely a bathroom break. Monday marks 2 years here for me. And I plan to quit within the next 2 weeks. I don't have another job, but I can't take it any more. Can't handle the people and the constant chaos.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 10 months now. Long distance. It's been hard. I love him and miss him. I am going to move in with him in a month. He said it will be ok, he's got my back and we'll get through my settling in and finding a new job together. I feel like I've waited my whole life for a partner to say that to me. It's overwhelming and generous and beautiful and makes me sad because I think this is a taste of some of the unconditional love I never experienced before. I'm so grateful. But also scared. This is unfamiliar to me.

I ate a lot of junk tonight, trying to drown all this stress and emotions. The last 6 months at least, I have been very conscious that I am eating my feelings. I don't have an effective alternative coping mechanism. I feel the wave of feelings bearing down on me and I crave food and know I could choose otherwise. But I feel like only food consoles me right now, so I don't choose otherwise.

I'm trying to be gentle... Hoping that I will get beyond this aspect of suffering in myself without being judgemental and overly hard on myself. Even the moments that feel like failure can be progress.