Each Day A Blank Page

[movementforthebetter]

Thinking about the nature of loneliness VS. just being alone.

My genes and upbringing have shaped me into someone who experiences the world in specific ways. I had no choice in any of that, and it was very isolating.

Becuase the majority of people tend to assume that everyone thinks like they do, we end up with minorities, who are frequently disadvantaged, or at least misunderstood. I am in the latter category now, after spending most of my life in the first. This might be the first time in my life that I would say I'm not disadvantaged, even though I don't enjoy "success" in most material ways. I believe this is because I still have a bit of control over my situation. I am working to change it.

Making the choice to change a situation can be isolating. Most people would rather suffer than rock the boat. Complain over taking a risk. I am in my position of relative choice because of my isolation and being alone. And yet, without my past, I'd maybe be closer to people, supported, and feel less inclined to change my situation. I'll never know. I sometimes try to see the world through the eyes of others, but I'm probably not that successful at it.

I am alone because it's what I know. I am lonely sometimes because I still need connection, like everyone else. Interestingly, as time goes on, I become more accustomed to lonely, and even find some comfort in it.

I think I'm turning into a character trope. A self-fulfilling prophecy. And overall, this is one aspect of my life I'm not in a hurry to change, aside from wanting a partner to share love with.
If I make being alone my choice, I get to believe I can control loneliness, after-all, haha.

[sanmagic7]

i hear you about rocking the boat, upsetting the status quo of our lives, mftb.  i am in a similar situation at this point of my life.  i have rid myself of every toxic relationship i've had, and now, except for my d with whom i live (she watches over me, really), my only friends are a couple long-distance who i never see, and the people here.  my connections with others are basically over the internet.

it's a choice i've made, too, and right now it feels right.  at one time i had a fear of not being surrounded by 'friends', afraid of how being lonely feels, but something's changed, and i don't have that right now.  it's rather freeing, actually.  and i don't feel lonely at the moment.

so, just saying, i can relate.  i think it's ok to be like this.  a partner would be nice, but not necessary right now.  i've got things to do that take up my time and energy, and also the time for healing myself, which feels very good.  standing with you on this one, sweetie.  keep taking care of you.  love and hugs.

[movementforthebetter]

Almost at the end of my run at work. Exhausted and achy every day. Feeling so much anger I don't know what to do with lately. Finding myself numbing out a lot. Just wishing this was over. I don't think being unemployed has ever been so valuable to me. Money would be nice of course, but it's not worth the toll it's taken.

In general, I feel like a screw-up. I can't keep up with life, qnd when feeling pressure from others, I try, but end up in a big, overwhelmed collapse, every year or two. I suppose at least I'm seeing this, and quitting while I still have some control.

[sanmagic7]

and, may i add, mftb, that seeing these things, realizing what's going on with us, is progress.  we can't make healthy adjustments in our lives without seeing and knowing what's happening and how it's impacting us.  i don't see it as failing at all, but taking another step forward in knowing what works and doesn't work for you.

personally, i think that for a lot of us, we've begun navigating the world, work, relationships, etc., without the proper knowledge and practice on how to do so successfully.  when we can't make it, like others seem to (altho, we don't really know what goes on behind closed doors), we can see that as failure.  on the other hand, i know a lot of people who look very successful but are really a mess inside, or so very shallow that they don't let anything touch them, don't want to know.

i'm in the first category with certain things, have been in the second (being a mess inside while accomplishing 'stuff') for other things.  we're all so different, i don't think we do ourselves a service to compare to the facade of what is shown to us by others.  we just don't know.

so, may i encourage you to be gentle with yourself on this?  i'm glad for you that you're getting out before any more damage is done, and you're taking care of yourself.  i think those are two positive forces at work for you in your life.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

I can't keep up with life, qnd when feeling pressure from others, I try, but end up in a big, overwhelmed collapse, every year or two.

This was me, too, when I was working. Sorry you're going through this. A safe  if you want it!

[movementforthebetter]

I gave my notice at my job today. My notice on my place last week. I've been avoidant, achy, bingey, distant, exhausted and overwhelmed for months (let's face it, years). I'm hoping this is a turning point. At the very least, I am directing my own life, really writing my own story, however it unfolds. I choose actively pursuing peace of mind, to serve my goals, rather than passively accepting misery. I choose love.

[Three Roses]

I love this! Congratulations on taking a new path, you deserve it.

[movementforthebetter]

The enormity of all the work I have to do on/for myself seem as never-ending as the tides of the ocean. I grow and understand something about myself, only to learn how much more I don't know. How far is it worth it to take the healing journey? I know the path never ends, it's just a question of when I stop walking it. I walk around a tree that was blocking my path only to realize the next hurdle looks like a mountain.

So many things I experience fall pretty closely into, if not directly into, serious diagnoses. But I'm rarely ever seen as worthy of help because I float on the fringes of these definitions. Never "severe enough" or "sick enough". I have an eating disorder, but not a widely accepted or understood one. I'm pretty sure I either have ADD or some place on the autism spectrum, possibly both. But again, I had been conditioned that this is me, and I am bad, so don't bother doctors for my relatively minor complaints. I have no idea how to get help, if there is any. I don't know if a diagnosis would help me tolerate the working world without breaking down every couple years.

So many messed up things my family has said and done convinced me that not only was I the problem, but I was also not worthy of treatment. And I internalised all of it. So now the treatment road is fraught with all kinds of emotional distress that Dr's are unlikely to understand or have empathy towards. I wonder if I'm strong enough for this journey, and if it would even provide me with any improvements in my life.

When I go to live with my boyfriend soon, I will be welcomed into his family, and it terrifies me. I don't know how to navigate my own family, let alone his. And deep down I fear that they will write me off as "bad" , and that they'd be right. This is why being alone can be easier at times... Now I'll have to work harder to keep my past from ruining my present. Or maybe it's my future. Anxiety deals more in the future.

Hopefully just getting this out will help me make sense of it a bit.

[movementforthebetter]

I've been sick a couple days and already bored out of my skull. Too headachy to do much but rest. On one hand I am enjoying it. I'm getting to some old sorting that probably wouldn't happen without this down time. On the other, I don't have much time left for friends or even just enjoying this city for the last bit of my stay here. Always a trade off. Overall, I think I'm ok with the break. My body can't handle anything else til I get better.

I've decided to start a new journal once I get to the new city. One that is more action, plan, and practice oriented. I think that will be healthy for me.

[movementforthebetter]

I'm still sick, but got up before sunrise like usual. Feeling a bit better and figured nothing better than a walk to clear out the gunk in my body. It was a beyond spectacular sunrise. Simply gorgeous. I was grateful to have experienced it.

It got me to thinking about what kind of work, if any, I will be able to do day in and out. I think the actual starting point for me is what a healthy day looks like. I can start chipping away at that. Some of it goes back to routines from my past. Some will be new routines.

A healthy day involves me getting up and getting outside. In time to see the sunrise if possible. It involves me spending as much time outside as possible. It involves me going to and/or creating a peaceful environment for myself. As I get healthier again, I'd like to share it with others. I'd like to share the joy of my experience somehow.

A healthy day involves me getting moving. It's low-pressure, low-stress, and relatively low-people.

It will allow me to work on projects that appeal to my natural curiosity. It will be seasonal, which I think is a decent timeframe for a reasonable-sized project. Enough variety to not get bored, but not the vortex of constant change I am currently in.

I saw a friend post an activity on Facebook. It's not the first time I saw something and thought "I could do that". But this one, I know for sure I could... With some effort and some help. And it's a good jumping off point, at least. It's nice to feel some hope coming back again.

[movementforthebetter]

Jobs on my mind a lot. Remembering my favourite past job, and how I still became depressed after 2onths.

4 work days remain. I'm glad I gave 2 weeks notice. The chaos (not at all an exageration) will continue whether or not I am there. As it is, my remaining time is being dominated and directed and micromanaged and overloaded. 4 more days.

I'm left with a perennial conundrum: what do I do next? I'm a hard worker, but not a model worker. *Everything* becomes triggering at work. I need a slower job so I have time to ground when needed. At my current job there are days where I would need to ground every 2 minutes. It's impossible.

All my triggers build up with no time to dissipate in a work week. When I start a job, I'm terrified of being judged and found lacking, making a mistake and being fired, and lately, being disliked by my coworkers (which generally didn't bother me in the past.). Then before I know it, usually starting at about 6 months or so, I start getting frustrated where I used to be patient. Shortly after that I start getting the Sunday stress about Monday. Then I dread going to work, then the anxiety work nightmares start. I can't effectively process my triggers fast enough when they do occur, and I don't know how, in any normal work environment I can imagine, I can override my neurobiological responses in the moment. And I tried. I took part in a meditation study about 10 years ago. It helped only minimally. I still quit that job.

I thought at one time, part time was the answer. But schedule inconsistency was also bad for me, and even in the past when I worked just 4 regular days a week, it was too much. So maybe I need no more than 20 hours a week. Regular hours. If possible. And paying above poverty, because that's also a big trigger.

Time of work shift is less important, but I'd like a similar schedule to the 9-5 world. I got lonely when I worked nights, though it was nice to have the general quiet.

This isn't anywhere near my full work wish list. I hope I can finally find something that I can do and like.

[sanmagic7]

i like these plans you're making, how proactive your thinking seems to be about what you want to do, what's enough, what's too much, what kind of schedule you want.  it sounds like you've already started your action-planning phase.  well done.

if i may say this, i hope you can go slowly with the new family you'll be part of.  kind of feel your way around for a bit, learning about them and their dynamic, and how that fits with what's comfortable with you.  i hope they have healthy interactions and communication - i think that would make things a lot easier for you.  best to you with this.

and, congrats on ending your job.  yep, the chaos will go on without you.  but, you don't need to be in the midst of it anymore.  i also have faith that you'll find something to do that suits you.  it will come to you.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  sending love and a hug filled with patience and acceptance.

[movementforthebetter]

I woke up from dreams about the east coast... Like, Nova Scotia. I've never been. The dream was pure fantasy and full of false impressions that don't hold up to daylight. But it was full of feelings that are hopeful and happy. I can't remember the last time I had a dream like that. I'm finally excited, rather than impatient, to be leaving my city for my next phase of life. And I have someone who loves me waiting for me, and I love him. I'm too much of a realist and a cynic to think it'll be perfect, but I'm grateful, and happier than I've been in ages.

[movementforthebetter]

Here I am at 2am. Woke up from a bad dream. Feeling anxious. Suddenly agonizing over something I said today. Was it the wrong thing, and did it anger  a coworker, because he didn't reply to something I said? I know that it's in the past, I can't change it, and I need to let it go. But what to do when these little instances that barely register in the moment pile up, then come crashing down at 2am? Again I'm back to wondering how I can stop what is precipitated by a physiological reaction before it starts. I don't seem able to, and so I quit the job.

I forsee my life getting much smaller so that I can manage my C-PTSD. I think I want it and need it. It would be nice to try and live a "typical" life, but the cost has become too high. Maybe my life will expand again to the point where I can have a career. But I'm nearly 40. It's probably time to stop holding my breath.

One of the things I struggle with a lot is social interaction. I think most people wouldn't believe that. But the truth is that I have pure and strong reactions to things that I can't hide. And people see that as a fault because it makes them uncomfortable. I'm also very direct, especially when feeling pressure. And sometimes people are insulted by this. Ironically, I tend to spend too much time on trying to make others comfortable, because their reactions to me make me intensely uncomfortable. Things like this 2am rumination happen.

Some people would have that happen once and take it as a sign to change something, because it's so unpleasant. But it's a nearly daily occurrence I can't escape from, and I don't think I've ever met anyone who understood that and could genuinely empathize. I can^t change my life enough to not have it happen. I am now focusing on living so I can manage when it does.

My best improvements in social interaction have been made by observing and literally copying how my friends handle interactions. But when I do this to fit into social settings, like a workplace, it feels like I am being dishonest and masking myself, something most people seem to resent. And it has such a high cost for me. If only all these difficulties had been recognized as a child. But they weren't, so here I am.

[movementforthebetter]

It's ironic, but this is the hard part. I'm done work, and for the last 2 days I've done almost nothing. But I only have a week til I leave so the clock is ticking and I still have lots to do.

With the bad fit/abusive relationship combo that was my job, it's going to take time to get over. I had nightmares and work anxiety like a bad hangover the first night, making me unable to get out of bed yesterday until noon. I went out, but was mostly dissociated or derealized, not clear which. But I was definitely out of it. I tried to ground but felt like I couldn't grasp the present.

Then last night, anxiety making me unable to sleep over 3 hours. Now my internal clock is totally messed up. I saw a poisonous-looking spider on my wall and it's pretty-much undone me. I should be cleaning and packing but instead I've been frozen in bed all day. Even almost forgot to eat or drink.

I look around, and at myself. I see how sick I am. I'm flashed back to when I was forced out of my first apartment in the middle of a depressive spell. It had been crumbling and leaking and I had been fighting the landlord for months and I had nothing left to care for myself. A boyfriend came to help me pack and looked horrified at how messy and undone it all was. I figure he thought I was crazy. I felt crazy at that point. And I kinda do now, too.

The important thing for me to focus on, now that I see these are all past situations haunting me, is just being present. Each piece of garbage, each packed item, is a step away from my past and into my future. I'm stronger and healthier than I was then and it won't be perfect but I can do this. It's going to be full of feelings but I see it for what it is. Everything haunting me is in the past and it's ok to deny the past the power to hurt me anymore. Here's to a more hopeful tomorrow.