Insomnia

[Rainagain]

This is not good.
Off to the airport in a few hours to get a psychiatric assessment.
By the time I get there I will have had no sleep for 36+ hours.
This is hopeless. This appointment is really important to my future and I'm going to be in a coma by the time I get there. My preparation for this appointment has been to get less and less sleep each night for the last week or so thinking about it. At least I haven't slept long enough for nightmares this last few days.
I just sabotage myself. What a buffoon.
Late onset stupidity is the likely assessment. Smoking so much my chest rattles like a cocktail shaker.....

[Contessa]

I will assume that all of this self deprecation is meant for humorous purposes.
Is this assessment for a job?

[Rainagain]

Not humour, just an accurate picture of what I do. Was feeling a bit desperate.

I need my head on straight today, Instead of sleeping like a normal person i nodded off for half an hour on the sofa with one of the dogs, just had another short nap on the bus to the airport and woke up with a stiff neck

Seeing the doc in 9 hours time, by then I will be in tatters I reckon.

Its an assessment for my possible non working future, I'm unemployed, may not work again.

I've just read my first post again and don't see self deprecation in there, that is interesting.

I'm too numb for hysteria maybe, so just report the facts.

[Contessa]

It was the self belittlement: 'buffoon' label and 'late onset stupidity'.

You're doing your best. Insomnia was not your choice, and it is not a marker of anyone's intelligence. But I do understand how uncomfortable this situation has to be, such an inconvenience when our bodies decide to react in ways our heads would prefer them not to.

All I can offer is best wishes for the assessment, and no matter what happens, make sure you treat/pamper yourself afterwards. You may not think it, but you do deserve something good after this experience.

[Rainagain]

Thanks contessa

Wise words.

[Rainagain]

Well
The assessment I had built up into a major threat to my future well being turned out somehow to be a positive experience.
Not often I meet someone who so obviously is twice as smart as me.
At the end the psychiatrist took the time to say his eventual report will help my situation and that he admired my strength and courage over the years.
I'm not used to feeling understood or admired for anything, quite a moment really.
He had to untangle my words a lot, even simple questions can be tough for me to explain but he was so quick at 'getting' what I was trying to say.
Took 2 hours of pretty intense discussion, I was worn out but somehow content afterward. Felt that whatever happens someone understands both the causes and the effects of my condition.
Validation, I think that is the key.

[Contessa]

Wooo!
I'm glad it worked out that way
I was hoping that would be the case, but not fun in the leadup.

Hope you're relaxing and looking after yourself now

[Rainagain]

Thank you,
I quite often find the reality is not as bad as I have feared, but I don't seem to learn from that and still assume the worse will happen.
Starting new meds today which might help reduce the negativity.

[Contessa]

Yeah I often find that too. Like a movie that looked terrible from its advert, so therefore turned out to be more entertaining when watched.

Mindfulness may also help. I've agreed to do something that I generally find terrifying, in a few days time. I figure best limit the terror to that one hour when it happens. Might spend one hour preparing for it tomorrow, but spend the rest enjoying the other things I have planned.

Easier said than done I know Haven't been able to do that for a long time myself!

Well done for facing that fear Rainagain. That's a huge step

[Rainagain]

Thanks contessa

If you manage not to build up a stressful event in the future into something panic inducing do let me know!
I just need something on the horizon in order to build up a head of steam, its funny pathetic really, I used to be pretty damn capable but not any more.
Good luck with your stress event

[Contessa]

Hey Rainagain,
Thank you very much!
Yeah it happened. My performance was okay mixed with terrible... but I didn't and still don't care. Nor was I worried in the lead up. Anomalous. Can't explain it.
Rebellious streak maybe.

[Rainagain]

I think its great that you weren't worried over it.
Anomalous? I get that, I often notice I'm doing something odd or a bit silly and think 'hmmm....interesting' like I'm watching someone else.
Had my new psych report, it is really helpful to me, yet I am still waking at 3 am, hmmm interesting..

[Contessa]

Yeah, ha
That's good, glad it's helpful. Maybe the body has to take a little time to adjust?