Tired of Allowing the Abuse and the Chaos to Go on. Time to go NC.

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ajvander86

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I've never actually been able to nail down whether was more bpd or npd, but the things I hear discussed in here nail her behavior to a T.  My life growing up with my mother and to this day is that she is a highstrung, type A, officially bipolar/adhd diagnosed person with some major personality disorder traits going on.  She is in a constant state of hysteria, catastrophizing everything, and constantly picking and starting fights with people in her close life and then when they react or stick up for themselves in some way, she flips that around and rejects the person in some way, shames them, and scapegoats them by calling her friends and other family members to tell them how bad I was or my sister was, further alienating us from those who might otherwise love and care for us. 

I've always been curious as to how all the people she has called to pretend to be a victim with all these years haven't seen a pattern with my mother.  First my father was the problem, then it was me when he left the house, then it was her various boyfriends, then it was my sister.  It's never my mother who is the problem here, and somehow these people in her life can't seem to put 2 and 2 together. 

My personal strategy, since it seems like nothing can ever please my mother, is to be quiet and do nothing to attempt to prevent any possible problems from happening.  This passed Sunday I texted her to ask her if I could come over to her house to visit with her and my sister as I was trying to respect her boundaries, and she said sure.  But when I got there and sat down and started chatting with my sister, my Mom starts complaining that she can't get her work done on her computer because of the noise we're making, even though we were just having a basic conversation.  So I said, ok, would you like us to not talk at all, and she said no that what we were talking about was stupid and because of how stupid it was she couldn't concentrate.  Then she starts yelling at us about how she shouldn't have to go to her room in her own house to get some work done.  Now, you might be thinking, if she had so much work to be done and needed so much quiet, why didn't she tell me before I came over?  Why didn't she say hey, I've got a lot of work to do so coming over tonight wouldn't be such a good idea.  Whether she has work to do or not, it's her responsibility to do what's necessary to make sure it gets done.  It's no one else's fault if she 'can't get her work done'. 

Then when it's time for dinner she stands over our shoulders watching us pour stew into a bowl, and then yells out that we are making a mess if some of the soup falls off the spoon as we're pouring it.  Then she somehow takes the fact that there's this colossal mess in the kitchen (which there wasn't) to try to justify why she can't get all her work done.  The craziest part about that scene was that some soup fell off the spoon I was using to pour the stew into my bowl.....INTO the pot that the stew was in.  There literally WAS no mess. 

Then as I sit down to eat and my sister goes in to get some, the window in the kitchen is open and one of the neighbors is taking out their trash.  My mother asks my sister if she heard someone taking out the trash and apparently my sister didn't hear her or answer in time so my mother yells at her to answer her when she's talking to her.  My sister responds that she said yes and then somehow my mom was able to squeeze an entire fight out of that.  Then she changes the subject to how my sister needs to let my Mom know when the air in her tires is low so she can go get them filled, and when my sister asked how she knew the tires needed air, my Mother responded that the car told her.  Uhhhhh.....what.  So first of all it's like if the car told you what difference does it make if your daughter or anyone else tells you, and then she didn't even actually go put air in the tires.  Again, everything is an attack on our mother but she never has to take any responsibility for herself. 

So the craziness continues and I hear my sister getting bullied and decided that I would step in and take the brunt of it, so I told my mother to knock it off and stop starting fights and attacking us.  That there were no problems here except for her and she just needed to stop.  So that got her focus onto me which caused her to come over to me and tell me that I needed to shut up and that this was her house and she could talk to us however she wanted to talk to us.  I told her it was her house but that doesn't give her the right to constantly attack people and start fights.  So then she tells me to leave and that she wants her key to the house back. 

Some more stuff happened but I finally had to say you know what, I just have to move on from this.  It's really sad that I can't just go have dinner at my Mom's house with my sister on Sunday night for a few hours out of the week without my Mom starting some kind of fight and constantly yelling and fighting with people.  I can't allow myself to be abused and have the life sucked out of me just because 'she's my mother'.  So I've explained to my sister that I have to go NC and it's crazy because I live 15 minutes away from my Mom, but won't be able to do things like go over for the holidays or anything like that.  But my heart and soul feel so much better being away from her.  I'm starting to choose me and what's best for my own well being, even though it's hard mentally because you believe that you have some kind of obligation or something to your parents regardless of how they act toward you.  But I'm realizing that I can't control her behavior, that none of this is my fault, and that I have to make my own well being my obligation.  If my own mother can't exist in harmony in my life with my well being, not only is there something wrong with that but I've got to go. 

Anyway, wanted to write this for myself with people who understand and can relate, but also so others know they are not alone if they have beyond crazy and toxic families. 

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plantsandworms

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Re: Tired of Allowing the Abuse and the Chaos to Go on. Time to go NC.
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2017, 03:19:34 AM »
Hey, just posting to say that I really empathize with what it feels like to get to the point with your own mother where you just can't justify having her in your life anymore. Thank you for sharing this experience. I don't have anyone else in my life who is no-contact with their families and so it's rare that I hear stories that echo mine. I have been completely no-contact for a little over five years now and to be honest I'm still working through grieving that permanent loss, but my personal growth in just about every area of my life has flourished now that I have been given the room to breathe easy. And my relationships with my siblings took a huge hit for a long time as they figured out their own desired level of contact, but now I am finding that those relationships are being rekindled stronger than before because we are finally able to acknowledge the elephant in the room: our mentally ill and abusive parent.

Anyway, I hope that you'll soon find the space to start breathing easy, too.

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foolgirl020

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Re: Tired of Allowing the Abuse and the Chaos to Go on. Time to go NC.
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2017, 09:34:34 PM »
Hey! I'm new here. This was oddly comforting to read because it's EXACTLY how my mother acts and has acted to varying degrees my entire life. I also only live about 15 minutes away from my parents and brother who all live together in a horrifically codependent imbalanced state. I'm working on contacting them as little as possible but unfortunately I only moved out 4 months ago and there are still some things of mine at their house, including my dog. Almost every time I go there I have a panic attack and leave enraged and in tears.
I can appreciate your situation and how it makes you feel. Hopefully, knowing that even one person can relate to your experience will make you not feel so alone or crazy as it has for me. Thank you and please be kind to yourself.

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Blueberry

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Re: Tired of Allowing the Abuse and the Chaos to Go on. Time to go NC.
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2017, 11:20:27 AM »
(Welcome foolgirl!  :wave:)