Wedding - Stuck between a rock and a hard place (Trigger Warning)

[JayDubs]

I have found myself in a pickle as of late.  Have had a few EFs the last 4/5 days and have definitely been in a rut a while longer.   I am NC w/ my FOO for about five years now.  To protect myself and them.  History of EA and PA throughout childhood and EA well into adulthood.   I left one link open to the FOO and that was with my adult child who is getting married very soon.  My A-NF and A-NM are both invited and suspect they will be there.  My estranged siblings of 20 years may be there too.  I have no idea.   I had so many triggers going off when I was finding out I pretty much lost all sense of direction.  Triggers were related to being kept out of any discussions about my FOO and how I was blindsided.   Triggers related to not being part of the family..outcast, blacksheep, etc.   My DD is well aware of the no contact.  She was there when the final straw broke and has witnessed their behavior.   I can't tell people who they can and can not invite to their wedding.  I wish I was at least informed through a respectful channel.

I have been physically and emotionally a mess at the thought of seeing family.   More than just nerves.  I am concerned for myself and them.   I was, and am pretty sure I still am the family scapegoat.  My DD was pinned as the second GC early on and I knew there would be long term issues w/ that dynamic.   One of my EFs/Flash Rage was really bad and I reacted to it with alcohol which only made matters worse (I owe apologies).  At the time I couldn't stop it and just wanted it to go away.  I had another flashback 2 days later that went on for about 3 hours but managed to not to drink.   I lack a support group at the moment and will start getting that in place for the long term.   

Haven't had an EF w/ anger(rage) in years.  Mine are usually flight responses.   The whole thought of being around them is affecting me in so many ways.    The thought of not being at my DDs wedding is bad, the thought of any contact with FOO is worse.   Stuck between a rock in a hard place.  I can feel a sense of hope if I don't go.  That's how bad this is.

I do not share much of this with anyone.  Most will not understand and I was trained a long time ago that I will not be believed.  Being invalidated is all too common for so many.   I thought my DD should know (without influence of taking sides) and she only seems to be angry with me about it.  Can't change that.

I realized that NC was in order the moment that I realized they enjoyed the abuse.  I never really saw it that way.  I was isolated in another room and the predator vs prey scenario was in full play.  Kept moving and trying to politely stop it, remembering full well that any sign of emotion would result in violence.  Rationally no violence would have happened because of age ( I think).  After a good 20 minutes of being poked and prodded and trying to diffuse the situation I screamed "stop" at the top of my lungs.  Left the next morning early to come back home with my DD.  My FOO was upset that a place I used to work for wanted me back.  Really, that is it.  It was not acceptable to them.  I went numb for about two weeks.   Probably from so intensely holding back on my flight/fight response...and then bam! Here comes the volcano.   Who knew that stuff was in there?  Hit therapy, etc.  I realized during one of my big flashbacks that they all enjoyed the ridicule and shaming.  It was an ego booster.   It was never about having a bad day, or just a misunderstanding..it was all intentional.  They spent two months letting me know how bad I was for my behavior that night.  Nothing changed..let go.

[JayDubs]

Found some related opinions on another message board.  Seems I am not the only one to have gone through something like this.  My situation is a little different in that nobody talked to me about it to at least give me a heads up.   They are all aware of my situation even if they under-estimate/value my reasons for why.   Unfortunately I have little communicate with my DD.  No phone call answered or acknowledged 5 months w/  a 1 hour visit for a dual birthday and Father's Day visit.  Mostly I am thinking because she is busy, but they seem to be keeping regular contact with the soon to be MILs okay.  From what I can tell.

This is such a tough spot to be in.  i wouldn't have any support at the wedding and things are not right with me beforehand and who knows what happens after.  Currently nauseous, having difficulty eating, concentrating, EFs, etc.  And I am still 3/4 weeks away.  Lord help me!

[Three Roses]

i'm so sorry you find yourself in this predicament. of course you want to be there for your daughter, but how to do that and remain unscathed? in thinking back over times like this for myself, i have just attended the function and then spent time healing up afterwards. I approach the triggering people as such, hostile, and employ the "grey rock" or "medium chill" methods. This link explains medium chill - http://www.dhyanna.net/how-to-use-medium-chill-to-improve-your-life-today/

I also find this woman's 5 "key phrases" and their explanations very useful! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TSh9zTHz2k

and lastly, anything by richard grannon/spartan life coach on youtube regarding communicating with others. here's a link to a very short video by him,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZnrQhk3eNQ

whatever you decide, i hope you find peace .

[JayDubs]

Thank you for taking the time to share the links.  Haven't looked them over yet, but will here shortly.   I think I already understand the "grey rock" concept.  I too hope I find peace, not just for me but everyone.

[Contessa]

*TW*

This sounds familiar JayDubs.
I was not given an invitation to my sisters wedding until being read the riot act first; there were friends being invited that I had issue with (I can only assume my rapist, & the other person that I can't be bothered detailing), and I needed a pre-warning over my behavioural expectations. Ie not starting a fight with them.

Anyway. Long story short, grey rock worked. I contributed where I could and where needed, but was grey rock. I was well aware of the distance between us and worked with it. Just behaved like I would with any other 'friend','work colleague' etc. And enjoyed 'myself' and the interactions I had with others. I think my sister and family could see that I was not as mad as they think I am... (or in fact, drove me to be).

I have since estranged myself completely. Strange turn of events yes. But it was a good time. For me.

[Contessa]

Post script- best take what I say with a grain of salt right now, I have recently succumbed to anxiety so don't even trust the coherency of my own words.

It's a very difficult position to be in when this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Rereading your post, re lack of communication, that I do understand. I can't offer a good solution, but I can give you empathy

[JayDubs]

Thanks for the responses!   There is only one easy answer.  I am a mess right now so if someone asks me if I am a mess, the answer is easy.  "Yes" 

[JayDubs]

*bump*   Wedding is past, I walked my daughter down the aisle, my parents where there, I behaved and took 'it'. 

Will update more later when I get a little more composure about me.  My thoughts have a lot of expletitives than do not meet the forum rules!

No emotional flashbacks and flight or fight responses today...a good thing.

[Contessa]

I'm glad it has past JayDubs. But that week or so long fallout... don't I know that one.

Take care, lots of self love, and well done for your strength in adversity. That's no small feat.