Another question (explanation first)

[Annegirl]

So my husband told my cousin who lives in our town that my family don't comtact or visit me so I'm not speaking to them either now. He told his parents who are visiting from overseas. It is SO lovely having his parents around. They absolutely love our children and are having a good holiday visiting us sometimes. His mother told me she doesn't know how my father can stand not having seen me for 8 years or the two youngest children. It is so lovely having a validating family member around.
However she is going to NZ and said she is going to tell my mother I'm not being treated right. I see this as potentially an explosive situation and want to tell my aunt not to say anything to my mother as it will only push my family further away from me and give me an even worse label.

Today I made an appointment with my therapist to talk about it and my husband went mad at me for talking to my therapist about such pointless nonsense. He said all I need to do is tell my aunt not to tell my mother, simple. So I felt stupid about myself and cancelled the appointment. He changed his mind and said I can talk to her now but I already cancelled it but am thinking of making another appointment in a couple of days.

It's not just that I want to ask her about that she makes me calmer and my mind feels scrambled again and I want to ask her about some anger management techniques.

So my question would anyone else see this as a pointless reason to talk to your T? As I feel stupid making an appointment now.

[wingnut]

I think you can talk to your t about whatever you want without your husband's approval.

We all know how talking about one thing can sometimes unsurface other things or the crux of it.

please do not accept that the need to talk is stupid. Ever. Do what you need to take care of yourself.

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here. I can't really see how anyone without CPTSD can tell what is or isn't important to us. You've lived with your mother and with your CPTSD for long decades. If your gut feeling tells you that something has the potential to blow up in your face, or if you even just get this "uh-oh" feeling, then there's probably a good reason for it.

I mean, people get that sixth sense after a while, don't they? Like, when you have kids, sooner or later you just look up from your work and know something's off and you should go find them and see if they're alright. Or if you write, you re-read your text and you just know something's off, so you search and re-read and search, and then a-hah, you accidentally changed your protagonist's first name. So if your gut feeling tells you that your aunt is about to prod a wasps' nest, there's probably a good reason for it. You're the expert. You're the one with the practical experience.

We all know how talking about one thing can sometimes unsurface other things or the crux of it.

I once spent an afternoon simply journaling about one itty-bitty silly problem: Sunday afternoons depress me, particularly when there's classical music on the radio. I dug a little, and that's how I learned more about Childhood Emotional Neglect. The Sunday heebie-jeebies were just the tiny tip of a massive iceberg. I very wisely didn't walk around telling people that "oh, I must work through my traumatic past... and I'm starting with the fact that I hate Schubert sonatas", because there is a limit to how silly I'm willing to sound. But like I said, it was just the crossroads where the skeleton was buried. Dig a little, and all kinds of traumatic things come up.

Also, talking about what we ought to find easy to do... isn't that a moot point? You'd never visit someone in hospital and look at their broken leg and go: "You know, you ought to be able to walk".

[flookadelic]

Whilst agreeing with wingnut that the need to talk is never stupid, and with cat thst no-one without CPTSD can truly understand the dynamics we feel in these situations, I would like to offer a perspective of my own. If your aunt is determined to tackle your parent(s) over their behaviour it might be a far more constructive experience if she asks why they behave the way they do towards you rather than condemning them for it straight from the off. Which will probably lead to instant defensiveness, communication breakdown and more undeserved blame. It's a small change in your aunts approach but it could make a big difference. I'm so glad you have this space at any rate. We really do care so much.

[Rain]

I am late on reply to this post, AnneGirl.    Sending a      I've nothing to add, as I agree with others.   Just wanting you to know I'm thinking of you and care what you are going through.    You are wise, a survivor, someone I admire.   Hang in there, AnneGirl.

[Annegirl]

I think you can talk to your t about whatever you want without your husband's approval.

We all know how talking about one thing can sometimes unsurface other things or the crux of it.

please do not accept that the need to talk is stupid. Ever. Do what you need to take care of yourself.

Thank you wingnut,

Hi Annegirl,

Hopefully therapy where you are is like it is where I am and everything you talk about is confidential.  With your childhood, hopefully your husband is supportive in your need for therapy and unfortunately it is not a quick fix.

Take care of you,   

Thank you Bheart. Hug back ( I always think Bheart stands for beautiful heart.

Same here. I can't really see how anyone without CPTSD can tell what is or isn't important to us. You've lived with your mother and with your CPTSD for long decades. If your gut feeling tells you that something has the potential to blow up in your face, or if you even just get this "uh-oh" feeling, then there's probably a good reason for it.

I mean, people get that sixth sense after a while, don't they? Like, when you have kids, sooner or later you just look up from your work and know something's off and you should go find them and see if they're alright. Or if you write, you re-read your text and you just know something's off, so you search and re-read and search, and then a-hah, you accidentally changed your protagonist's first name. So if your gut feeling tells you that your aunt is about to prod a wasps' nest, there's probably a good reason for it. You're the expert. You're the one with the practical experience.


Thank you SC, I do tend to overthink things when I have no adults around but when I have friends around I can cope with a lot more. However when it comes to my mother it's more than a sixth sense. From years of experiencei know she can't handle even one person disagreeing even on a very small topic. She can't even agree to disagree.

Whilst agreeing with wingnut that the need to talk is never stupid, and with cat thst no-one without CPTSD can truly understand the dynamics we feel in these situations, I would like to offer a perspective of my own. If your aunt is determined to tackle your parent(s) over their behaviour it might be a far more constructive experience if she asks why they behave the way they do towards you rather than condemning them for it straight from the off. Which will probably lead to instant defensiveness, communication breakdown and more undeserved blame. It's a small change in your aunts approach but it could make a big difference. I'm so glad you have this space at any rate. We really do care so much.

Thanks Flookadelic, I'm thinking about this and might actually end up doing this. Who am I to try and control this situation?

I am late on reply to this post, AnneGirl.    Sending a      I've nothing to add, as I agree with others.   Just wanting you to know I'm thinking of you and care what you are going through.    You are wise, a survivor, someone I admire.   Hang in there, AnneGirl.

Rain, thank you for your encouragement. I really needed your words today. Thanks so much.

[Rain]

AnneGirl, I hope you have been able to reach the safe island of your therapist.   It is more than your Aunt's desire to help, or how she does it.   You are changing a lot, seeing the ugliness, and yes ...anger is coming up in you for good reason.   

How to heal is as important as seeing why you need to heal which is the breaking of denial you've been doing recently.

Well meaning relatives, spouse, etc. do not know, do not understand truly where you are.   Rely on your therapist to help you.   You have every right to seek help.

Like Cat says, you can only have the vaguest sense that something is off, and behind that sense is a massive uncovering of the Truth.

And, please drop the self-abusing language of words like "stupid" directed towards yourself.    I have done it, we all have done that ...to self-abuse is to continue the abuse of our family of origin (FOO) towards us.    It was NOT right that they abused us, and certainly not right that we abuse ourselves as they trained us to do.

I know you are good, AnneGirl.   You are wise.  You are a survivor.   You are working through emotions that are coming up.   Be kind and gentle with yourself as you would anyone coming out of a war zone.

[flookadelic]

I think there is a difference between trying to control a situation and influencing it as best one can. I think that "control" is a deeply held concept in CPTSD as we are dealing with controlling behaviour of our abusers and also I'm struggling with the idea that I don't need to be in control to be safe. Because I can't control everything. So I'm learning that influencing stuff is more practical because it's not an all or nothing condition, like control is.

And the "silly little things" that can be the tip of an iceberg. Had a major EF a little while ago from glancing at an ad for martial arts classes.

Best of luck to you and I hope you feel that you have more options and confidence than previously. Please do let us know how things go. Much love to you!

[Annegirl]

Rain, your words felt like rain on a dry desert.
I haven't talked to my therapist yet, I feel guilty that I find this important when there are real troubles in the world. But then on the other hand my children and husband are my world and where I have been put in this life, and if I can't give them my best because my mind is somewhere else then I would really like to fix that. Also I don't want to turn out like my mother who always talked about her past and how she was treated. Something I avoid telling my own children ( unless they ask).
I also think my T must be pissed off for me mucking her around, it's about the 3rd appointment I've cancelled.

Flookadelic yes control is an issue, thank you for your deep insight on this and Rain and SC thank you for emphasising SC's point about small feelings might only be the tip of the iceberg.
I think I will talk to my T about everything in a week and a half as that is a good time my husband has a couple of days off and can be with the children.
I will let you know how it goes, thank you for your interest and replies.
I feel like giving you each a big hug. 

[Elly]

I feel guilty that I find this important when there are real troubles in the world./quote]

That's like feeling emotionally guilty for having a bad flu when there are people dying of cancer or war. It's important because it needs to be processed, and it's important because it can be solved. Speaking from a Jungian (not a scholar of Jung, here, just a patient of a Jungian) perspective: if you deny the reality of your troubles, then your troubles will become real in a way that becomes out of the capacity of the psyche to recognize and manage.

I don't want to turn out like my mother who always talked about her past and how she was treated. Something I avoid telling my own children ( unless they ask).

That kind of reminded me of that Broadway show Next to Normal, where the daughter wonders if her parents "love each other or if they just fake it" which I think was a tragic side-effect of the parents holding back on a shared tragedy for which they basically had a baby to try to get over it: the daughter character doubted family love, fell victim to perfectionism just to feel worthy of existence, became drug-addicted and angry all the time...not that being honest to the point of telling her, "you should know we never really wanted you" would have been better; but being honest, and compassionate, some balance between that might have saved an innocent life a lot of grief. As these things do.

I also think my T must be pissed off for me mucking her around, it's about the 3rd appointment I've cancelled.

Would you be able to tell your T that, directly? "I keep thinking you must hate me for making appointments and cancelling." A good therapist would (having understood in the first place about mental instability from emotional inconsistency) probably be able to take you over to the real reason why.

[Annegirl]

Thank you ELLY! You are amazingly insightful. I have never studied Jung but it your perspective is deep and makes a lot of sense. Yes the perfectionism, I never saw it like that either but it keeps me in a catch 22 situation when it comes to expressing my feelings. I always believe they are not worth discussing at all.
Thank you for your reply.

[flookadelic]

Very happy you have found us, Annegirl. I'm not the best read person on the topic even though I have cptsd...will be ordering Pete Walkers book this week...has anyone recommended his site to you yet? There are some excellent extracts from his work available free. But as I said, I'm not the best read and my experience of therapy has been slight. So I am relieved and delighted that my humble suggestions have been helpful. I struggled alone for so long but have found simply being understood to be a source of relief and affirmation. It is such a help.

[Annegirl]

Thank you so much Flookadelic. I will certainly look up his site. I have read his book and it is very good. I am sure you will discover some good information in there and hopefully most of it will be helpful to you.