ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

i decided to write this stuff down anew.  new decade, new therapy, new thoughts and feelings.  clean start and all that. 

therapy has stirred the pot in ways i've never experienced before.  the first session, i felt relief, felt like someone was going to take care of me.  that thought has rolled around my head since.  i'm a grown woman, why would i feel so strongly about someone taking care of me? 

just this moment (which is why i need to write this stuff down), i'm seeing that need as coming from my little me.  she's popping up like never before.   it's not like i haven't taken care of me nearly all my life - i was trained well to ignore, deny, and bury myself so completely that there was an entity in my body with a wonderful brain who took care of business all the time - for myself and others.

but after my second session, i left feeling uneasy, like i'd done therapy wrong.  i know, logically, that can't be possible, but it was something she said that triggered that feeling.  that session was last thurs.  i've been nuttering on it since.  i didn't understand the feeling at first - it took till the next day to pinpoint (ooooh, here comes a little anger.  at her?  cuz she doesn't know everything?  possible)

by fri., i was seeing myself as very needy, seeing her as a savior.  sun. morning, the idea of being taken care of was so strong, and i knew it was my little me in full force.  very new feeling.  she's only 5 or 6.  memories began surfacing, things i'd already remembered in the past, but now i saw myself and how i was reacting to the experience at that time.  very new as well.

the trigger was when i was in the office and she asked me what healing looked like to me.  i immediately, without thought, pulled my shawl very tightly around me and began crying, saying i didn't know, that for all i've done to heal, i've gotten worse instead of better, and began talking about some of the narc abuse i experienced from my ex and older d.  it just spilled out.

she listened, then noted to me what had happened, what i'd done.  that's when she told me that i knew enough, had enough info, and i needed to just heal.  to me, that meant going into a sort of induced isolation from everyone else's stories and from the madness in the news.  i needed to put the focus solely on me for right now.  it was like she gave me permission to be completely self-concerned, a foreign concept.

she also said (what i heard) that from now on the logical part of my brain was to be telling the back part of my brain (emotional/visceral) what to do.  when she said that, i was triggered.  i didn't say anything cuz i didn't really know what was going on with me.  as noted, it took 3 days to figure it out.

the concept of amygdala hijacking came to mind during that time.  i'm not sure she's aware of it.  i looked it up yesterday to refresh my memory, make sure i had it right (i was doubting myself).  i'll have to talk to her about it because what i read is that when a message comes thru to the brain that feels dangerous (from past experience) our survival mechanism kicks in and the logical part of our brain is bypassed, which is why we have an unruly emotional response to something that wouldn't otherwise be seen as dangerous/life-threatening.

what popped for me was the idea that i had done something wrong, incorrectly by talking about having an ef, reacting to something in a way that was out of my control.  a. h. at its best/worst.  when she said that the front of our brain tells the back part of our brains what to do, it was as if she was telling me i did it wrong by not controlling my response.

going back to my childhood, doing something wrong, especially displeasing my father, was the worst feeling in the world for me.  his displeasure, his disappointment stirred up a fear that he would no longer love me and that i would be sent away from the person i most wanted to be near.  a real threat of that came in my teens, but for some reason, even as a child, i believed that would happen.  it was the worst feeling, the scariest feeling.

well, looking at it now, of course it would be.  that would be an abandonment feeling, and abandonment meant i would die.  so, to perceive that i was told i was doing this wrong by having such a visceral rather than logical reaction sent me sailing back to the body and mind of that little girl who was so afraid that if she did something wrong, she would be left out in the cold like the little match girl (no wonder that story hit me so profoundly!  i saw myself as her, dying in the cold).

this throwback to my childhood in this way has never come up before.  i can see and feel that little girl, and i was her in that office last week, pulling my shawl around me (omg, this is just pouring out of me right this minute), telling my t how cold i was, feeling my body shivering beneath my skin.  i'd never felt cold like that before.  it was totally different from any cold i'd ever experienced.  whoo, boy, these pieces are real and falling into place like never before.

big, deep breath.  i want to write this down because i want to be able to explain this to her.  massive breakthrough, very disturbing, the depth of this.   this helped clarify for me what i'm dealing with.  i'm feeling very somber.  no celebration here, no distress, per se.  profound. 

[Three Roses]

Yes of course our thinking brains "tell" us what to do - but dear Ms Therapist, that's the point of the term amygdala "hijack", innit. The amygdala throws the body into an EF before the neo cortex can say, "whoa wait, what's happening?" and "tell" us what to do.

Once the amygdala has flooded the body with adrenaline, just thinking correctly won't immediately get us out of an EF. It's just the start of reversing one.

You didn't do anything wrong, San my friend. I can also see how for you, hearing this as a criticism (whether it was or not, you heard it that way) from a fellow professional would be further triggering. Big hugs to you. New territory to cover.

[sanmagic7]

tears of gratitude for you and your response, 3roses.  can't stop crying.  your validation, reinforcement, and reassurance were perfect - you can tell by my tears.  they came from the depths of my being, lasted almost 5 min.  profound is the only word that is fitting.  o my heart - i can't thank you enough.   they just started again.  tears of release.

these are finally tears of healing.  very different from all the crying i've been doing lately.  these were tears with a purpose.  even these are part of the new territory.   you got thru to me on a whole 'nother level.  i didn't expect it, but will gladly accept it.  is that hope shining?  just off the corner of my eye.  never felt hope before, either.  thank you, god, for such a wonderful, insightful friend.

[sanmagic7]

just putting a toe in here.  therapy by phone on tues.  i want to read my other journal entry to her, let her know my process through this.  it's so very different from what i expected. 

thinking about this next session, 2 thoughts came to mind.  first, it will be so different on the phone rather that face to face.  i will not like it nearly as much.  i thrive on personal contact, body language, eye contact, a person's essence that fills a room, the vibes between the two of us.   it will be a new experience, but i'm sure i won't 'enjoy' it as much as being in the same room.

second, i realized that part of what i wrote before showed my transference toward her.  where i wrote about feeling a bit angry, expecting her to know everything, then felt my little me in full force - that was a new experience for me.  i'd never felt that before in a therapeutic relationship where i was the client.  i'm glad i felt it this time.  a learning experience as well as therapeutic. 

it was good to feel my little me right out there, shining brightly, having emotions.   i don't know exactly what had been done or said to bury those, to curb my curiosity, to stop me from asking 'why?' when told/expected to do something, but it had to be so intensely intimidating and threatening to me in order for those parts of me to be shut down almost completely for so much of my life. 

once i found my voice, tho, the questions have been numerous and at the ready.  more than one man has been intimidated by them, has shied away from them, or has looked at them as a way for me to find their 'weakness' in order to either take advantage or manipulate them.  they never understood that i was simply trying to find who they were as people.

my narc ex certainly put the kibosh on my asking questions that threatened him.  when i got too 'close' to something, the black rage would cross his eyes, and i would immediately back down.  i've dealt with someone's red rage in the past, but the black rage was deadly intimidating.    so, i never knew the man in 20 yrs. of marriage.

it just seems strange to me, i guess, learning all this stuff about narc abuse, sex addiction, and misogyny not only from here, but other resources as well that i finally came to know him.   now, i don't know how i stayed in that relationship for so long except that things would have been very different, and not necessarily in a good way. 

i'd have had to deal with my narc daughter and her sister on my own,  which i was not equipped, emotionally, to do, and after i finally left my job, i was able to receive part of his pension because i'd put in 20 yrs. worth of 'work' as his wife, which saved me financially until i was old enough to get retirement benefits.  strange how these things can balance out. 

don't know why, exactly, i went off on this tangent, but i guess it needed to come out.   

anyway, i'm not exactly looking forward to my next session, but i am interested to see what will happen when she hears what i wrote about that 5-day process of experience after the last session.  i do know that i will be speaking from my adult self, even as i talk to her about my inner child.   i feel strong about that.  that i'm coming now from a place of strength. 

as i said, that process profoundly shifted something within, and it's been staying with me.   

[Elphanigh]

It is so good to see a shift happening San. I love that you get to say that you are coming from a place of new strength. 

I do hope that your therapy session goes well, odd on the phone, but hopefully it will still give some great insight.

Thank you for dipping your toe in here, always good to know how you are doing 

Loving warm hugs

[sanmagic7]

just finished my phone session.  i read my journal entry to her, she thanked me, said that she had gone ahead of where i was by saying that the front of the brain rules the back.  said that therapy will eventually strengthen the thinking portion of the brain so that it'll be harder to be highjacked, and that's what she was referring to but that it was too far forward for me at that moment.

we talked a bit about my crying, the difference i'd felt with the tears that seemed to have a purpose to me in response to what 3roses had written, as compared to this crying that i do so often at the drop of a hat.  she talked about how as babies and toddlers, crying is our means of expressing when we need something, and that ideally, a parent would nurture us, allow the tears, and make it a safe place to be vulnerable.  well, that didn't happen to me.

whatever those tears meant when i was so young, i believe they were somehow denied.  i can remember my dad saying 'stop that crying or i'll give you something to cry about'.  which meant to me that whatever i was crying about wasn't important, wasn't supposed to be important to me, so i stopped, shoved it inside.  burying emotions, wants, needs was something i've been doing most all my life.  he also told me that 'crying doesn't get you anyplace'.

i talked about how i carried this terrible sadness in my eyes, how strangers would say something to me about how sad i looked - usually at bars.  i created a personality for myself starting at about 13 so that i wouldn't be lonely anymore, wouldn't feel that horrible, devastating feeling, which was very outgoing, smiling, laughing, joking, personable in order to make sure people would like me and want to be around me.  i gave out a lot of compliments.

but, when a time would come where i wasn't being this animated 'self', the sadness must have been so noticeable that people would feel compelled to comment on it.  my t said something about a normal response to someone looking sad was 'what's wrong? you look so sad', and i told her that no, people didn't ask me why.

then she asked what kind of feeling i got from the people who mentioned how sad i looked, and i told her i had no feeling from them, and i didn't feel really anything when they said it.  i think she found this all a bit unusual.  people who knew me never mentioned this, maybe cuz i was always animated around them.  it's been only strangers who have noticed and said something.

thru all the therapists and counselors i've been thru, no one has ever mentioned the idea of me being traumatized.  if any of the latest ones had that idea, it was because i've told them.   my t mentioned an article she read about how, when we're very young, our worldview always includes our very being, so when something seemingly small happens, it can be devastating.

that's why getting a smaller scoop of ice cream, or having a toy taken away (sharing) can be devastating to a young child.  often among trauma therapists, they will talk about big t traumas and small t traumas, meaning one can be looked on and treated as more important than the other.

i've never agreed with this, because i've always felt that to some kids, something that looks small to an adult can be devastatingly traumatic to them because of who they are and what that incident means to them.  this article affirmed what i've believed all along.    that's why comparing traumas is ultimately  fruitless.  mine may look less than others, but that doesn't mean it was any less traumatizing. 

all in all, i cried thru most of the session, as usual.  not healing tears, but probably the tears of a very young child who is confused and in distress, but gets no comfort.  first time that thought came to consciousness.  it feels like it fits pretty well.  there may be more to that, but that's for further discovery.  so, i'm wiped out now, will rest the remainder of the day. 

thanks, el, for the loving hugs.  always appreciated.

[AphoticAtramentous]

i've never agreed with this, because i've always felt that to some kids, something that looks small to an adult can be devastatingly traumatic to them because of who they are and what that incident means to them.  this article affirmed what i've believed all along.    that's why comparing traumas is ultimately  fruitless.  mine may look less than others, but that doesn't mean it was any less traumatizing. 

Mhm, I agree with what you say here. Humans are such complicated creatures, we're all so different, in how we see things, behave, how we cope with things. With CPTSD, it's all caused by different factors, each person has different symptoms, each person resolves these symptoms differently. And with trauma I think that... what trauma is is not necessarily the event itself, but how we've responded to the event. As an example maybe, someone who was brought up in a cabin in the woods might not mind so much when they find themselves lost in a forest. But someone raised in the city may feel traumatised by simply being lost in a forest, with no knowledge of how to survive, no idea where to go, no clues, no way of getting help.

I think though, no matter what tears you have to express, they're all good. Crying is good... ^^ I want to curiously ask, it seems our FOO is similar in that we were both told crying is bad, and that we shouldn't cry. Did this ever make it difficult for you to cry later on, even when you weren't with your FOO anymore? Because, I'm at that point I think... where I find it nearly impossible to cry... and I wish I could cry, but it's so difficult. I want to sob and weep and let everything out but there's this kind of block that stops me. Have you ever felt that before? And if so, can you remember how you got past it? Sorry if this is a little thread-hi-jacky... you can ignore my questions if you want.

Hope you're doing okay though, San.

[sanmagic7]

no problem, a.a.  i welcome questions.

besides the messages from my dad 'stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about' and 'crying doesn't do any good', there were also a number of other factors that contributed to a lack of emotional release during my life - any emotion.  my feelings were denied, suppressed, and subsequently buried so deep that for most of my life, i was unaware of my feelings. 

it's called alexithymia, and it basically means an inability to verbalize feelings.  faulty brain wiring causes it, which was caused by being emotionally ignored/denied.  any expression of feelings, except that happy smiling face, was demeaned rather than nurtured, and i was left adrift in a sea of confusion, not knowing what that feeling in my stomach or chest meant.

therefore, crying ceased for me because i became busy figuring out how to take care of myself.  i never cried, for example, over being dumped or romantic heartbreak.  i just absorbed it, as i did everything else, and moved on.  i wasn't aware of either my or others' feelings.   i even skipped my mother's funeral cuz i was afraid i would break down in front of people, and i just couldn't let that happen.   i went out with my sister and got drunk instead.  numbed it all out.

i didn't begin crying again until i started therapy, mid-thirties.  i think everything had bottled up, so much for so long, that it just began leaking out.  then exploding at certain times, like  a tension release.   i didn't especially have that longing to cry like you expressed, tho.  the tears just began coming, out of my control. 

i cry all the time now, often can't finish a sentence for the tears if i'm talking about anything emotional.  the emotional part isn't even necessarily directly connected to me.  or, at least, not that i consciously know of.  i was trying to tell my t yesterday about a movie i'd seen as a child, 'miracle of marcelino', that moved me profoundly, brought on the waterworks full force at the time.  i couldn't finish telling her about it cuz i was crying too hard.

so, i talk about tears without a purpose because i feel no relief from them.  they don't feel beneficial, but rather they obstruct me from being able to explain, enjoy, or discuss something.  they get in the way.  healing tears, like i experienced above are a different story.  they're cleansing and give me relief.  these other tears, well, i don't know what good they serve, except to underline my extreme sadness, maybe grief, about me, what's happened to me, what's happened to others, the state of the world, what i've missed in my life  . . . .    and on and on. 

i don't know if that was helpful at all.  just my own personal experience.    but thanks for asking, a.a.

so, my next hurdle is a week from tomorrow.  surgery on my head.  i have no idea what to expect, if it will all get done in one day or not, if i'll have to come back, how much pain i'll be in, what the stress of it is going to do to my system.  too much to contemplate at any great length, but i know i will become more and more distressed as the time draws closer.   

i had an in-depth email from a friend who underwent colon cancer surgery last year, and as she said, this is not how i envisioned this period of my life to be.  she reiterated that it's a full-time job just to take care of herself.  i echo that sentiment.   no one knows what this is like unless they've gone through it. 

having to make your own decisions about what medical procedure to do next, which meds to take or leave off, watching what we eat and how that might affect our systems, what's the least stressful way to do things and in what order, and, do to decisions or circumstances, running to the john 4 or 5 times a day for days on end because the stress upset everything inside. 

the last time i saw the doc, the nurse asked me how i felt.  i said 'worn out'.  she said, 'fatigued?'  i said, 'no, worn out.  it's so wearing to be feeling sick all the time.  i haven't felt 'well' since i was in my 30's'.  she didn't say anything then.   i don't think she could comprehend.

so, trudging from day to day.  staying alive for my hub and daughter.  they get strength from my strength, and vice versa.   
personally, i'm at the point of not particularly caring one way or the other for myself.  so much pain, both physical and emotional.  i don't know how i keep going, except with a lot of help from everyone here and divine intervention of some kind.  i have good angels. 

i just am dreading this surgery, and it's getting to me.

[Sceal]

I read you talked about big trauma and little trauma. And maybe I've misunderstood it, but I thought it was in a way individual. That if a person has gone through several traumas then some of them might have had a little less impact than others, and that those are then big and little traumas? But maybe I've just misunderstood the concept.

Being fearful before a surgery is only natural, especially as you leave your body in the hands of someone else, without fully understanding what consequences might end up on the other side. I will send you what strength I have, and all the support and love that I got to you. You've been strong for so long, it is no wonder you feel worn out. No wonder at all.

Big hug from (potentially) far away.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

the general concept of big and little traumas, as i understand it, is generic.  a big trauma is like a car accident, an explosion, violence - something that would be traumatic for anyone, child or adult.  a little trauma would be more like missing the school bus, having to give a speech when anxious, fear of flying - more specific to the person involved, and an experience on a much smaller scale.

the reason this was brought to my attention, again, was reading a post from a trauma therapist (another forum) who said she was seeing an adolescent with no history of family abuse, only no emotional support from parents or other adults.  it rang a bell for me that being emotionally unsupported all her life by her parents was viewed as no abuse.  she said in her post that there was no evidence of big traumas in this girl's family.

well, as a victim of no emotional support from adults in my own life, i just shook my head once again at how abuse is viewed.  the lack of emotional support was seen as not a very big deal by this therapist, and the ones who responded.  i just didn't have the energy to enlighten this group one more time.   

i hope that helps.  it's a perspective that i've never agreed with.   having no emotional support from my parents led to me developing alexithymia and having no access to my emotions most of my life.  it may not be an actively violent type of abuse, but, for me, anyway, it was certainly a big  T trauma.

actually, along those lines, i've had several surgeries in my life, and never once have i been afraid.  my attitude has always been that if i'm gonna die, this, to me, would be a great way to go.  they put you out, and you just don't wake up.  no pain.  i haven't felt fear, consciously, until the past year or so.  what i'm mostly all a-twitter about is the pain.  i've been in so much pain for so long, adding more to the bunch is unnerving. 

both the shot and the numbing agent are extremely painful - i know that from the biopsy adventure.  hurts really bad.  i'm not looking forward to that at all, and the unknowns about how far the cancer has spread, how deep it may have gone through my scalp toward my skull, if the area is so big now that he's going to have me come back to finish the job - those are playing with my head, too. 

since i always trusted everyone, i always trusted that the docs operating on me would take care of me, and i'd either come out of it to deal with the aftermath, or i wouldn't, and then i wouldn't care.   i don't have much fear of anything, least of all being dead.  it's the getting there that worries me.  i'm so sick of suffering. 

thanks for your love and support, sceal.   i'll be taking them with me when i go - my circle of protection from here always goes with me now on distressing adventures.  i'm grateful.  big hug full of warmth and love back to you.

[sanmagic7]

did my grocery shopping for the coming week.  soups and sandwich stuff mostly.  i'm looking forward to what i might feel like after the surgery, which is next thurs.   the thought occurred to me this morning that if it would've taken place when it was originally scheduled (yesterday) it would be all over by right now.  grrrr!  little anger came up that i have to wait for this extra week.

so, now all i have to do is wait.  did my house chores yesterday, so that's taken care of.  will do laundry before next thurs. so i won't have to worry about that.  putting my ducks in a row, so to speak.  got some fruit and nut bars to take with me the day of the surgery cuz i don't know how long i'll be there - it might take all day.  didn't want anything too heavy.

planning for this feels almost like planning for a trip.  what do i need and why.   it's almost all-consuming right now.  will talk w/ my t by phone the day before.  i'm hoping that will settle me down a bit.  i am not looking forward to the pain.  that's my biggest anxiety-producer.  i will be in tears from it.

i've noticed that i'm feeling more pain in my body in the past few weeks.  it hurts to sneeze now, let alone anything else.  i'm guessing it's from all the tension around this surgery.  i'm also guessing that i have more anger inside that isn't coming out.  maybe i can put some of it here.

i'm so mad that this wasn't diagnosed properly all those years ago, which has caused it to spread.  incompetence in the medical profession there has caused me harm.  what started out as about a 1/2" 'mole' has now become an area of more than 2 1/2", and who knows how deep.  batards. 

because they failed to diagnose correctly, or even send me to a skin specialist (altho when i sought one out on my own, she still told me the wrong thing - psoriasis), the cancer took another form as well.  plus, another 'mole' has begun.  so i ended up with patches of flaky skin that not only weren't there in the beginning but also spread around the 'mole'.  that's what was determined to be 'psoriasis'.

oooooh, i am so p o'd that this was allowed to happen.  10 yrs. of asking about it, to i don't know how many doctors.  and i have to pay the price.  i absolutely hate it, hate them, hate the whole experience, hate that i have to go thru this now.  luckily, my landlady will drive me there, and my d will drop in during the day to stay with me as best she can as long as she can.  my ll will bring me home cuz she's a pro. caregiver and wants to hear what kind of aftercare i need.

i thank god for her willingness to do this.   my d still isn't at full capacity, but still wants to be there as much as possible.  still, she can't take care of me afterwards, either.  staying at her place wouldn't be the best idea for me.   

grrrrrr!!! to all of this.  i hate hate hate it all.  not fair at all.  absolutely sucks in the worst way.  this has turned my world upside down.  dang, the more i let this anger out, the bigger it seems.  curse words all over the place.    * * * * * * * * * *   take your pick - they're all there.   f, d, c, s, m,  - all the bombs i can possibly think to drop.  namecalling of the worst kind.  just did some pounding.  felt good. 

i hate the waiting game, but very glad i decided to write.  it was more than i expected.

[Three Roses]

standing with you, San 

[Sceal]

I suppose medically that makes sense of big t and little t. But that doesn't mean it wont feel invalidating to people having been through stuff, especially since we all have different levels of how we cope and our sensitivity. 

It's awful that they misdiagnosed you, or didn't look further than they should have. I don't have much words that could help you in this situation. But I am thinking of you.  Big hug!

[Elphanigh]

I am always thinking of you, San. What day is your surgery? I would love to light a candle for you as someone did for my dad yesterday. I am beyond grateful to have you, and am hopeful you can feel the support and love I am sending your way. I wish I had more words, but it seems I am still recovering from yesterday. Know your Mother Earth spirit shines through in all of these preparations, and trials.

Much love and warmth 

[sanmagic7]

3roses, i know you are, i have come to count on it, but it's always so good to hear it.  thank you.

sceal, what you said was just right.  your validation of how awful it is plunked a heart string in me.  thank you.

el, my surgery is thurs., the 26th.  i don't know that i've ever had a candle lit for me before.  it will warm me thinking about it that morning.  thank you.

you darling people, all of you.  in my darkest hours, you shine a light for me to keep taking those steps.  i'm so grateful.