ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

a.a., it is very sad.  that's why i'm finally grieving it - never have done that before.  but, all these realizations after all these years are all coming at me one after another right now, instead of being spaced like they should have been if i'd been able to express my emotions thru the years.  this is exhausting me.

i know it needs to come out, has been hurting my body cuz it's been held inside for all this time, but, dang, this is hard to continue managing to stay in one piece.  i'm not doing well with it today.  there's just been so much . . .

blueberry, these tears, yes, when i realize and allow the focus to be where it belongs, these tears are finally cathartic, they are finally tears with a purpose.  all that generic weeping/crying i've been doing for so long never felt like they meant anything, and i couldn't figure out why they were there all the time for anything that had to do with emotions/feelings.

now i'm able to put a reason to them after they begin (if i'm not already overwhelmed, altho like today, it's all hit me over the head like a sledge hammer, and i'm feeling pretty bad) and that makes a big difference.  i'm also not trying to hold them back, like i've always done becuz i was embarrassed and/or confused.

so, yeah, i'm allowing these triggers to help me determine what else it is i need to grieve.  i'm using the shows i watch as tools to help me recognize what is triggering those tears and why.   i don't know why anyone couldn't do that if they wanted.  i also don't know if it might be too much for some people, and this kind of thing might be better noted and taken into therapy with them. 

it's like when i first began getting in touch with my anger.  i could pound on the bed till the cows came home, but i wasn't really feeling much relief.  it wasn't till i focused on who and what i was angry at and about that the pounding began to be cathartic.  for me, the focus has been the key to make this emotional work meaningful.

so, today,  i'm like a limp dishrag, pretty shot.  woke up crying this morning.  i'm just overwhelmed with sadness.  i'm afraid of going back to depression, don't want to do that.  even on meds, they eventually failed me, and that's when i knew i had to take this into my own hands.  and it worked really well for quite a few years.

but, i'm feeling like this stuff is now boiling over.  i've been back here 6 months, and so much has happened.  even my d said something about it and how well i'm doing with it all.  today, i don't feel i'm doing well at all.  so overwhelmed.  i go see my t on tues., but that doesn't give me any hope at all.  i can't see how it will be productive.  she's not helping me with this, really.

i don't know.  just blathering on, getting it out.  deep breath.  sad eyes.  so much pain and sadness.  and my body is hurting so badly lately, i'm not sure what to do about that either.  there's a massage therapist who works in the same clinic as my t.  it just struck me yesterday that she takes medicare, so she may be an affordable resource.  i can't go on like this much longer. 

i can't even stand up straight anymore - 2/3 of my back is in pain now, tightened up from the tension of the surgery, and i haven't been able to un-tighten it.  it hurts a lot to cough or sneeze now, which hadn't been like that before when it was just my lower back.  so, i'm getting worse, getting to my wit's end.  i think today is a day to try a muscle relaxer, see if it helps.  possible a bit of mind relaxer as well.  i need a break.

thank you both for the hugs and sympathy.  love right back to you.

[DecimalRocket]

It's a very sad thing to have spent all these years being hurt like that. I've had hardships over the years more than the average person my age. But I can't imagine living decades of this over and over. San, you deserve anything cathartic. Whether tears, or a hug. You've always had, and always will.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, d.r.  so very sweet of you.  and, you're right, it's been the amount of time this has gone on without appropriate emotional expression, without any emotional relief, that is taking its toll.  still, i'm going downhill because of it right now, and if i don't do something, i'll drown.

the muscle and mind relaxers yesterday seem to have helped a bit.  lots of sleep, not so many knives stabbing me in the back (hmmm . . .  do i smell a metaphor there?  o my heart, i do!   death by a thousand cuts.)

i'll be looking into a massage therapist tomorrow, see if i can get some help that way.  i massage my muscles several times a day, but i can't do this by myself.  i just know, from past experience, how much it will hurt, and i'm not looking forward to that at all.  hopefully, she will eventually work out and will get to know me and my problems, and will be intuitive enough to know what my body needs.  is that too much to ask?  hahahaha!

anyway, a better day today.  i'm getting pretty doggone tired of this, tho.  one more time.

[Three Roses]

San, have you tried a soak in the tub with Epsom salt and lavender oil? https://www.seasalt.com/epsom-salt-uses-and-benefits

[sanmagic7]

just got triggered in another post.  no fault of theirs, it's my own stuff, but man o man, this was a bad one.  i'm worn out now, but lots of crap was let loose.  too much pain.  i don't know.

your post just came while i was writing this.  thanks for the suggestion, 3roses.  unfortunately, since i've been a little girl, i have not liked baths.  tried bubble and whatever when an adult, too, they don't relax me.  never have.  neither do showers.  i wish they did - so many people speak of them so lovingly.  just a weirdo, i guess. 

that just brought more tears.  i wish i could be more like others, find this stuff relaxing, soothing, and such.  i really do.  crying too hard now, gotta stop.

[Three Roses]

Oh dear San I'm sorry..big hugs to you!

just in case you're not aware - an Epsom salt bath is medicinal. It's not to just soak in a tub - the salts actually act on sore muscles. More info in that link.

But if you don't enjoy baths you may not get any benefit... 

I wish I had suggestions for you - but since I don't here's a 

[sanmagic7]

i'll take the hug, 3roses, and thanks so much.  i know that epsom salts are good for pain like that, i witnessed my elder d going thru that, having to take 2 baths/day, and she said it helped.

i think part of my reluctance here is also cuz it's a shared tub - other people use it.  i don't know, i don't feel comfy staying in that bathroom for very long.  i take the shortest showers in the house!  not that it isn't clean, cuz it is, but right now i'm just not comfy with the idea.  thank you for the suggestion, too.  i didn't mean to be abrupt.  i would've never thought of it.

maybe one day i'll get up my nerve.  we'll see.    back to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, hi there.

I'm in one of those days where I'm feeling extra shy expressing my emotional side here so often so I can't say much around here for now.But I thought I'd fight my awkwardness to at least give you a hug. You've done a lot for me and the others here — and I can't help but feel hurt when you're hurt.

[sanmagic7]

i admire your courage, d.r., and truly enjoy that hug and your kind words.  thank you so much for putting it out there for me.  it's truly appreciated.

just waiting to get picked up for t.  we'll see what happens.  i've already had several scenarios run thru my head from a terrific breakthrough to me quitting.  not feeling quite as fried this morning, tho.  that's good.

[Elphanigh]

Hoping that your visit with your T went well today. I am seeing mine in an hour so I am right there with you tonight. Here is a comforting hug full of hope, love, encouragement, and anything else you need. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, el.  that was swell.  i loved it, and i needed it all.  and it worked, too.

i was ready to walk if things hadn't changed today.  in the beginning, the session was the same - a lot of nothing.  then came a point where the speaking stopped and we both just sat there, looked at each other, she broke eye contact first, then i just kept looking at her clock.  i didn't say a word.

finally, she asked what was on my mind at that moment, and i said i was wondering where this was going, how was what we've been doing helping me. 

t - blah blah suggestions, here to validate, be another layer of support. 

me - i appreciate the support. (silence again)

t - you mean, as a therapeutic process? (the light bulb went on)

me - yes.  i'm a therapist, i know what to do for my clients, but i came here needing a therapist for me.  i can't do my own therapy.  this has felt directionless, i'm a mess, i need direction (or words to that effect).

t - ohhhhhhh!  you want to be told what to do!

me - yes.  i need guidance, direction, suggestions, whether they work or not, but i need therapy.  i need to heal from this, i've done all i know how to do, but i can't do it all for myself.

t - ok, now i get it.  thanks for the clarification.

me - i knew when i came today there would either be a breakthrough, or i was done.

t - well, this has been a breakthru.

and it was.  she took the reins, and i now feel like i'm in therapy.  i'd told her what i'd been doing about my 'heartbreaks', going into the depths to find out what my generic weeping has been about, that i'm exhausted.  so, no. 1 focus is on sleep.

well, that's a bucket of worms.  i've slept in chunks for nearly 50 yrs.  don't sleep more than 5-6 hrs./night, sometimes less.  she asked what i do when i'm up so early and can't get back to sleep, i told her i play on the computer.  yep, that is no. 1 out now.  visual usage drains the brain quickly, she told me, and my brain needs all the rest it can get.

so, no computer in the middle of the night, and also i'm to become mindful of the reasons for my wakefulness during the night.  i think i'm going to start a sleep journal for these 2 weeks (next time i see her), see what happens.  there are various reasons i wake up and can't go back to sleep, incl. bad dreams, bad thoughts after coming back from the john, bad pain waking me up and it's too uncomfy to lie there anymore.

so, we'll see what happens.  this feels like therapy cuz it's scaring the crap outta me not to have my go-to when i can't get back to sleep.  plus, i just thought of this, i'm also dealing with a different sunrise time than when in mexico.  different daylight triggers 1000 mi. south of here.  whew.

no wonder i'm screwed up re: sleep.  so much of it was from partying late into the night, having to get up early for work, nap after work.  that was in my 20's.  (just writing this down here).  30's - baby's hours.  no. 1 d was up at 5 every a.m., short naps - i went down when she did, and up in the middle of the night.  no. 2 d, up for feeding during the night, dealing with 2 little kids then, nap when they did. 

on mom alert during the night for sounds from the kids.  stopped getting quality sleep about this time.  when d no. 1 began having problems, i was worried about meds, again, on high alert all the time.  went 20 yrs. w/o being able to sleep profoundly at night, up at 5 to go to the gym for a while, always up to make their breakfasts, nap at 11. 

back to college in my 40's.  same as the rest, but now studying.  also trying to have a decent love life with my h, but that wasn't happening, didn't find out about all that, tho it had been ongoing from the beginning, until at least 10 yrs. into our marriage.  that was a nightmare.

50's, everything blew up, moved out, moved to mex. terrible nightmares.  rls had been discovered and this was when i first went on meds for sleep.  that was like heaven to finally be able to sleep, but everything else began getting in the way.  the nightmares were horrific, and the only way i could feel safe after i'd moved out of our house during the night was to distract my mind via computer.  i could play games for a few hours till the nightmare wouldn't come back.  then i could go back to sleep a couple of hours before it was time to go to work.

i eventually began falling asleep in my office during the afternoon while reading reports.  down to mex. at 53, i could sleep and wake on my own time, finally, but the nightmares were still there.  eventually got together with my hub, my schedule became his schedule cuz he was the one working.

the alarm went off at 5 in the morning.  i didn't feel sleepy till 10 or 11 at nite.  even if i slept thru, i was awakened too early.  my sleep cycle was disrupted for another 16 yrs.  these were my 60's.

so, now i'm 70, and am going to work anew on this.  is it even possible?  have no idea. 

wow, this helped me to write this down, have some organization to it.  starting tonite.  don't know how i'll do with it.  i have a feeling my body and brain have gotten into the habit of not being able to follow thru on natural sleep.  it's been so unnatural for so long.  we'll see.

so, i'm in therapy now.  it feels scary, but at least it feels like something is being done to help me.  that's a good thing.  finally. 

and awa-a-a-a-y we go!

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad to hear there was s break thru! It is so great to see you starting to make progress with this 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  we'll see what happens with this whole sleep thing.

night no. 1 - very bad.  up at 3:19, bathroom and back.  made myself go back to bed, stayed till 4:41, back hurting so bad i couldn't lay anymore.  did some stretching which usually helps.  didn't turn the computer on till 5.  terrible pain.  just finished taking ibuprofen.  can't even lift legs without pain.  so, not good.

i'll do this experiment for the 2 weeks till i see her again.  i did this once with a doc who didn't want to give me my clonazepam anymore because of the addiction factor (i told him i knew i was already physically addicted, i didn't care, my being able to sleep was the most important).  anyway, went for the week before i saw him without taking any, got about 8 hrs. total sleep that week, looked pretty haggard when i walked into his office.  he never argues with me again.

this experiment may be the same, may be different.  i don't know, but i'll give it a shot.  we'll see. 

[Elphanigh]

I am proud of you for trying this experiment  Good luck to you

[Blueberry]

san, the breakthrough at last! That's awesome! 

From further back:

unfortunately, since i've been a little girl, i have not liked baths.  ..., they don't relax me.  never have.  neither do showers.  ...  just a weirdo, i guess. 

san, you are not a weirdo for not liking something! Either you plain don't like it (which is perfectly OK) or you're possibly even unconsciously avoiding a trigger, which would be more than OK as well as perfectly understandable.