ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much, sceal.  yeah, sometimes it's best just to pound the bed, and let it go as much as possible. 

d.r., i do feel better with the love from here.  it's remarkable what this place has done for me. 

asperger sounds like a healer, of which there are not enough in the 'healing' professions. 

so, new life in me today.  have been writing, want to get a readable draft finished by the new year so my d can read it.  i'm hoping her publishing co. will be able to use it.  something to keep me going, keep me caring.  also something that might help her out financially, which would be good.  fingers crossed.

have been working on getting these obsessive thoughts about my ex put to rest.  dang, he keeps popping into my head, and i have nothing but dark thoughts about him.   am tired of ruminating about him like that, tired of feeling so hateful about the injustice, that no one else knows and they all think he's this grand guy. 

i've written lots to and about him that's never been sent.  haven't explored the 'letters of recovery' section here at all.  maybe it's something that would help.  i'll have to think about it.  i have hesitated about going there, and i'm not sure why.  i think i'm avoiding all the pain that i'd see in those letters.  they feel like they'd be overwhelming to me, yet i don't know exactly how to write one to him in that section.

o, i can check out the guidelines.  brilliant.

time to go.  up early this morning.  need to eat and sleep.

[Andyman73]

San,

Hope sleep was restful and dreams sweet. 

Andy

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  big hug back to you, always.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

even tho i'm looking forward to this holiday, i find myself extremely anxious.  i want to do so much today to get ready, and i'm not sure i'll be able to accomplish everything.  i know my d won't care if i don't do any of it - she's very reassuring and comforting to me that way.  still, having a deadline like this for getting things done does me in anymore.

because it's food prep, it all has to be done last minute.  trying to calm myself right now saying that what i am able to do is enough, the rest isn't important.  i know that logically, but my chest is tight so i know some part of me isn't buying it.  part of it is that i haven't cooked in so long, it's scaring me.  just that realization has brought tears to my eyes.

i used to make turkey dinners with ease.  now, even tho everything is prepared, just have to put a turkey breast in the oven for a couple of hours is scaring the crapola out of me.  i'll have her help me.  dang, i hate losing this kind of thing, something i didn't think twice about. 

i also have the hole in my mother heart where my other d belongs but is no longer present.  now the tears came for real.  this pain will never end, especially at this time of year.  my daughter is not dead, yet i have to hold her dead to me.  i don't know how to do that without sobbing and feeling miserable.

still, because of the madness my no. 2 d had to live thru because of her sister, i have to hide this from her.  she suffers as well, has suffered most all her life because of the situation.   i have to be there totally for her now, while i'm aching inside.  this is what xanax was made for, i guess.   time to live better thru science.  i just hate that i'm reduced to this, tho.

i'm glad i wrote this down, let it out.  i know i was attempting to ignore it, not give it its due, but it's better that i did acknowledge it.  i feel a bit calmer now.  it just hurts so badly.   time to get started.

[sanmagic7]

i made a horrible/monumental breakthrough today.  there are ads on tv about 'edible arrangements', a bouquet of fruit.  when my d got one from friends last mar., i told her that was something i'd always wanted cuz they looked so great.  i've been seeing the ads lately, and even thought that if i had the money, i'd get one to bring to christmas dinner.

well, my d sent me one today, and i became overwhelmed.  she was on the phone with me, and i started sobbing so hard i couldn't stop, couldn't speak, had to hang up.  kept on crying and crying, and i didn't know exactly why.  usually i cry cuz i'm overflowing with happiness about something, like i can't contain the beauty of it, so it spills over, but this was different. 

this was coming from a place deep inside me, near my soul.

she called back in a bit to check up on me, and i was still crying.  i couldn't stop, sobbed to her that i didn't know what was going on, couldn't figure out what i was feeling.  it did not feel like happiness at all.  it was very dark and dreadful.  i kept crying, pouring my heart out to her, apologizing to her that she had to listen to this, and she, as always, was patient and kind and gentle with me.

what finally came bubbling up, like tar bubbling up at the tar pits in la brea, was the message 'i don't deserve this'.  never in my life had i felt that, that i know of.  i'd guarded my perfect self by not allowing guilt, shame, or unworthiness, no matter what the situation or what i'd done.   it just had never been there before.  it was horrible.

i blurted that out to her, she immediately said that she believed i deserved it, and i told her that i never got that impression as a little girl.  in fact, one of my most miserable times with my dad was at christmas.  a few weeks before, i must've been 6 or so, he sat me on his knee and asked me if i'd been a good girl that year.

well, i knew what that meant.  the good kids got presents from santa, the naughty kids got coal.  i struggled with this question so mightily, because i was honest to a fault - literally, at that age.  i couldn't say that i'd been a good girl because i knew i'd done some naughty things, but i couldn't say i'd been a bad girl because of those terrible consequences.  i sat on his lap and suffered because i couldn't say anything.

to this day, i don't believe i was ever able to answer that question, seemingly so simple to most kids, who'd have a ready answer of 'yes' to blurt out, taking it all in a spirit of fun.  but to me, this kind of thing seemed deadly serious, and i was in such turmoil, i think he finally just let me go cuz i couldn't say a word.  that's one of the worst memories of my young life.

this was similar.  it was so painful to me that i'd gotten exactly what i wanted out of love from my d, but so frickin' painful, i couldn't feel any happiness about it.  i even told her that i've heard people here talk about not deserving, not being worth anything, and i didn't know how they lived their lives with that pain.  i still don't. 

the next one that came up (like i was puking) was that i felt ashamed for feeling like that.  ashamed that i was unworthy of such a gift.  holy crapola.  more tears, whispers - i couldn't even say it out loud.  part of this was struggling to even recognize what i was feeling.  the struggle was just as painful as the admission.  i told her thank you, cuz that's what i was taught to say, but that it would take me a while to actually feel my worthiness.

told her that this all started last nite.  watching 'will and grace', and she told him that she'd been really hurt cuz he and another guy laughed at her, that she deserved an apology.  he said 'sorry you feel that way.'  she said again, she was serious, they should've never done that, he said 'sorry you took it like this'.  she blew up on his butt, told him that the word sorry was in those sentences, but there was no accountability, no admission of wrongdoing, that there really was no apology.

then i said to her that i'd had so many of those pseudo apologies like that, and i never called anyone on them (most of those came from my narc ex, my d's father, who she doesn't want me to talk badly about cuz she still wants a relationship with him, so i didn't mention any names.  she mentioned that her sister did stuff like that, and that both she and i had done that with nc d/sister.

i said, no, when i apologized for something, i took responsibility for my actions, but that the 'two of them' had done that over and over to me, and i never called them on it.  i think she knew who i meant, and i apologized to her for her having to hear this from me.  i did say that when i moved to mex., i knew people would be angry, and narc d accused me of leaving cuz of her, and i lied, said it was a bunch of things and i was running for me life, but i never apologized to anyone for it.

i have apologized to this darling d that i was sorry i left her to have to deal with the rest of that family situation, but she says she understands that i had to do what i had to do.  she said it sucked, but that she understands now.  so, i have this beautiful gift, something i've wanted since i've seen it advertised, and all i can feel is unworthiness and shame.  what a time for these feelings to make themselves known.

still, they've been buried under my 'perfect' being for so long, they were bound to come out sooner or later.  this may be part of my weeping over stuff like that, only it never made itself manifest in the reality of my consciousness before.  at least now it's up here and i can do what needs to be done. 

maybe that's why i've been a validation junkie for so long.  i've never really felt i deserved the praise and kind words from people, so i shoved them aside, all the while hungering for more.  the hole that is never filled.  maybe this is the bottom of it, and i can begin to work my way up to some middle place that is real, instead of an illusion.

i remember someone asking me why i felt i was a fraud.  this is exactly why, altho i couldn't explain it cuz i didn't have the recognition of my feelings.  dang, i have a stiff neck from the tension.  i'm just gonna feel bad for tonite and put on a happy face tomorrow.  she and i will go shopping, wrap gifts, cook dinner, and i know it's brought us one step closer to each other.  but, am i even worth that?  can i trust it, even tho she said she has no plans for it to be otherwise with us.  this neediness is horrifying to me.   

and i had a dream about one of the men i believed i spun truths out of hints before, and when i woke up, i knew he had visited me, the truth was between us, and he'd simply made me doubt myself.  i know that what i believed is true, but he won't admit it - instead he turned it on me as if i was making something up.  gaslighting?  guess i'm glad i'm out of it,  i wish he'd stop visiting me in my dreams, tho.  on the other hand, he's helped me realize i wasn't making it up.  it was all true, even if he wouldn't cop to it.  even a non-relationship can be a nightmare!  dang, and more dang.

i'm out of them all, now.  i do wish i would get laid just one more time before i die.  it's always ended badly with my hubs, especially this present one.  i still have a longing, tho.  whether that'll ever happen, i don't know.  but a girl can dream, right?   lol!  just one good, magical night.  it would be closure.  what a thing to end with. 

[Three Roses]

 Wow! These are some deep revelations. I hope you get some mellow down time to recover! 🌷🌻🌹🌸

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, I don't know about the others. But I think you do deserve love and connection. And a Merry Chirstmas too — full of celebration, lightheartedness and presents. But if you need the present of acceptance and being there for you rather than something more energy expending, then I'll give you that.

My words are my gift to you this holiday season. So take care, San.

[camille13512]

San, I believe you deserve all the love and appreciation people give you. But I also understand how it feels, that it can feel easier to deal with harsh words than kind ones, that all compliments don't feel real, and only the opposite sticks. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. You deserve that gift your d sent you; you deserved gifts from Santa when you were the little girl. I always believe gifts are showing love from people who sent them, so there is no requirement or "test" you need to pass to accept them, just as there shouldn't be a barrier to accept that someone loves you. I hope in the end this revelation you are breaking through will help you. Please take care. You are in all my wishes. 

[Sceal]

 
I have no words tonight. but I wanted you to know I'm listening.

[sanmagic7]

3 roses, i loved the teeny tiny flowers.  i had to put my reading glasses on to see what those little symbols were.  when i realized, they sang straight to my heart.   thank you ever so.

d.r., thank you for the gifts.  i know what your words mean.  i appreciate them a lot.

camille, thank you for your caring and understanding.  it was such an uncovering for me, one that i'd never consciously realized before.    i've always gotten gifts, always thanked the giver, but the idea/concept of 'deserving' just didn't relate to me cuz i wasn't able to relate to it.  i just accepted, like i accepted everything else in my life.  no questions asked.

sceal, thank you so for that wonderfully embracing hug.  you pulled me right in, and i loved it.

so, the day after christmas, and i'm war-torn in a way.  i had a wonderful time with my d and her roomie, i cooked turkey dinner for the first time in more years than i can say, and it turned out beautifully.  we enjoyed, we laughed, we watched movies 'muppets treasure island' and 'zorro' and loved both of them all the way through. 

and we had gifts on both christmas eve and christmas morning.  again, i got a gift from my d that completely blew my head off its mooring - and that's really kind of how i still feel, like my boat is adrift.  she gave me a cell phone, the first i've ever had, and i cannot wrap my head around it.  i'm totally freaked by it, and can't even write anymore about it.

we had a white christmas on top of everything, the first i've seen in nearly 20 years, big fat flakes on christmas eve, and we felt like we were in a snowglobe.  it was marvelous.  plus, a fire in the fireplace, with real wood and such a fabulous smell.  a storybook christmas. 

the rest of my emotions/feelings i don't know about.  i'm tired today, still overwhelmed, still processing.  2 gifts that left me speechless.  that's only happened one other time in my life - i got the diamond ring on my 50th birthday that i'd wanted since i was 17.  all this and emotions, too.  i am blessed.

hoping everyone makes it thru the holidays intact, and that next year gets a bit easier to navigate.  it's been a roller coaster this year for so many of us, me included.  love to you all.

[Sceal]

Sounds like you had a wonderful Christmas celebration.
Sometimes those joyous times can leave you quite breathless afterwards, and with a painful longing that's hard to wrap your head around.
I just hope that you are able to collect these memories and gather them with you next time you feel vulnerable, lost and alone. To know you have people in your life that greatly apprechiate your company.

Best of wishes to you, dear!

[Blueberry]

san, 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, what a lovely suggestion, and one that i'll keep with me.  thank you. 

blueberry, as always, thanks so much for those great hugs. 

love all around.

[DecimalRocket]

It sounds like a lovely time you had there -- especially after all the pain you've experienced recently. Movies, love and snow. Classic joys.

I never really saw snow before in real life, except for that one time as a kid that I visited America. The weather's too hot where I am.  I wonder what it'd be like if I joined there.

Well, I'd probably be too used to the heat to enjoy it. Heh.