ch. 3 70's survival

[Andyman73]

San


Glad your Christmas was beautiful! Such heartfelt gifts, and snow even. My Kids and w and MIL had a good Christmas. 

As for your magical wish...I do hope it comes true. Oh San, I want that for you so so very much.

I know exactly what you were talking about, that emotional breakdown with the edible arrangement. I experienced that too. But not for edible arrangement, and not even for myself. It was my last year of high school, and a girl I knew had invited me to her b-day party...was one of 5 guests invited. Right after she blew out the candles(16) I broke down and cried like a baby. Told them I thought it was just beautiful and wonderful. And told them that I never had a party like that. That was the last good cry I had....25 years ago. Well...that was the only good cry I ever had.



Andy

[sanmagic7]

here's to more good cries in the future, andy, just as many as you need.  it sounds like you'll have some toxins to get rid of next month, so cleansing tears could be a really good thing.

thanks for your warm wishes, too.   always appreciated.  and your hugs.

been working on writing, hoping to get the book readable by the new year so my d can determine if her pub. co. will take it on.  that was the intent of this book in the first place - to help her become financially independent thru her publishing, writing, editing, etc. rather than an office job, which is very difficult for her to maintain.  so, fingers crossed and prayers flying that it's any good at all.

otherwise, i've got the slows now, the after christmas letdown, and i'm ok with that.  there's nothing else i have to do, actually.  tennis is beginning again, so i'm looking forward to that.  paying doc bills.  little things.

still contemplating that new phone.  i think i'm coming closer to having it activated, but not quite yet.  i know my hub is really anxious for me to get going on it, but i asked him to be patient, and he's doing a good job at it.   i've never been one to embrace technology as it comes down the pike, still don't use a microwave here, only ever had one for about 3 months the entire time my d's were growing up.  i do not trust the wave energy coming out of any of these things.

same with the phone.  when i turned it on, i thought i might do something simple like set the clock.  lo and behold, i touched the button for the clock, and it showed me the correct time without me doing a thing to it!  that totally freaked me, and i turned the thing off, and haven't looked at it since.  i don't like being monitored.  it was one thing i loved about my car was that it was made before any of that stuff had been S.O.P.  when i left home, even to go for a drive, i was totally off the grid, and i loved that feeling.

this phone brings all that stuff right up into my face, and i'm still resisting it.  i know the reasons to have one, especially since i have to use the house phone or my d's phone for doc appts. and the like, and it's not fair to them to be my secretary.  it will be for that reason alone that i will eventually utilize this phone.  not quite there yet, tho.

i know this has got to sound weird, especially to those who have grown up with technology.  i don't like the loss of human thinking that's going along with all this, problem-solving, planning, beginnings and endings that are all being done by  technology and machines.  it goes against the very essence of me.

so, this is still weighing heavy on me.  i understand about progress, evolve or die, all of that.  i don't want to give up my hard fought freedom is all.  is there an emoji (hahaha) for that?     

[M.R.]

Hey San,

Being 21 and growing up the majority of my life in technology (I still remember VHS...Lol) it is still scary for me. I can see how technology and the information one can find through it is amazing, but it's starting to rule our lives. I know for myself in particular I have a laptop, tablet and phone. And that is a titch rediculous...So, I'm kind of excited to get rid of wireless just because it will give me more time and hopefully less headaches. I get headaches from staring at screens ironically...So I understand the fear that you have with this invasive age. I hope that you find a way to use the phone to your advantage while still putting it in it's place and making you feel comfortable.

MR

[sanmagic7]

thanks for understanding, m.r.   i appreciate that a lot.

it just scares me silly, and i know some people will think i'm silly for feeling that fear.  i've never had a fb or twitter acct., even tho friends have told me to, have invited me, all that stuff.  i just don't feel the need or something, to be connected all the time to anybody.  it creeps me out.

eventually i know i'll do it, for the sake of the others more than for me.  i've gotten along just fine without one for 70 yrs.  i don't mind the adventures of life, living, having to think on my feet, or have faith that whatever comes along will get worked out.  it's just a different way to look at the world and me being in it, i guess.

so, i plod along while the tech world rushes by me.  i either eat my food cold, or warm it up on the stove, wash my dishes by hand cuz i don't want to deal with the dishwasher in the house, and leave the microwaves to the others.  i don't trust them.  i trust people more than all this technology being pushed down our throats.  but, that's just me.

i am a flower child from a former time, and am tolerating being here.  i shall be in the log cabin near the porch if anyone wants to join me for some hot chocolate and a wood fire on a chilly winter's night.  there's always room for everyone.

[DecimalRocket]

I don't think it's Silly, San. It's natural to be afraid of things that are new and unknown to each person. I can accept that, even someone like me — someone who grew up practically living on the internet.

In the tech geek worlds, even we have some fear of technology. Artificial intelligence — machines that can learn on their own, might reach at or above human intelligence someday. The idea of something with that form of intelligence is exciting to many, but also intensely dangerous, enough to create large conferences of the greatest minds of the world to discuss it.

When I compare imagining being in that future someday, especially since I'm considering to join in this A.I innovation frenzy someday, and how the present now might look like to you, it's natural to be scared, I bet.

Any additional form of power can be terrifying. Because after all, in the wrong hands, how can it be used?

Well, take care, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  yep, i mightily agree with you about A.I., the singularity, and beyond.  i know it's coming.  maybe sooner than later.  an autonomous intelligence will not be controlled, no matter how many lines of code are written.

i think this gamboling into the future willy-nilly is what frightens me most of all.  i think that's why i feel so resistant.  i see my life becoming caged-in if i embrace everything coming down the pike, accept it as purely some new and wonderful gadget with no thought as to what it might mean for humanity.  i see it making people careless on so many levels.

i don't want to lose the humanness i'm just lately discovering about myself.  i've been in a disconnect mode from others for so long, and i don't want to regress.  but, it seems, technology is against me in some ways.  and, don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good that's happened because of it, especially for the disabled, or for access to the world such as thru this forum.  i'm not taking anything away from all the good it's done.

but, i see and have learned too much that i don't like,, especially playing god with our humanness.  too many manipulations, and force-feeding, and i'm so uncomfortable with that.  one commercial i saw, a woman was over the moon about the idea that a car had wi-fi.  she said, eyes glittering 'that's the dream'.  well, when i was in my 20's, the 'dream' was peace.  how things have changed.

so, these types of things, and this doggone phone is a symbol to me of such changes, is what's at the heart of my fear.   guess i'll just have to pull up my socks and stick my neck into the future, at least a tiny bit.  dang, but i wish i didn't have to.  my heart is racing just thinking about it, my throat is tight.  this may be some anger i'm feeling at being forced into doing something i don't really want to do.  pooh.

[Sceal]

Sometimes I think San, that your generation has seen so much technology. You've seen it start out, you've seen the changes, the modifications, the failures and what it has turned into today. Sometimes I think they are hurrying certain technology a bit too fast  in my country. There are alot of the elder generation that wouldn't be able to join in on the technological world, and so much of the health and banking system is mainly online now. Even the post is online. Bills, internet banks, appointment cards and such are all online. And you need to remember the various passwords for warious sites.
It's wonderful progression, but it doesn't suit everyone. 

There are people my age (I'm in my 30ies) and younger who also are not fond of technology. I worry what the future will hold. I worry what digitializing and putting robots to use in so many professions will do to people and society as a whole. businesses might save money, but the countries economy will not. I wont go into being supervised, because I know too little. and it's a scary prospect in all of it's own.

What I'm not so elegantly trying to say, is that you shouldn't be ashamed of your fear of technology. It's okay.
I hope you will muster up your courage and manage your fear, and hopefully it might make parts of your life easier.
I wish you the very best. Take your time, there is no hurry. 

[sanmagic7]

darling sceal,

elegant doesn't matter.  what you said was beautiful to my heart, and i thank you for it.   your kindness and reassurance weigh much more heavily in my book than elegance.  just right.

i did tell my d today that whenever she's ready, i'll be ready to turn the thing on. 

i also did some work on myself about my neediness, which turned out positive.  it brought out the strength and power that i have as an adult.  the neediness belonged to my 4-yr. old me.  i also reached a place of a pounding headache, and it came to me that it was my brain, the brain of my 2-yr. old self which had not been wired correctly for my emotions. 

the headache is gone, the somatic pain is gone (shoulders/neck for the neediness) and i feel more solid.  it was an interesting experience.  i got the idea from another post, decided to follow it up.  i'm glad i did.

so, a brave new world awaits in 2018.  once again, this forum, you people, are life changers for me.   thank you all, even those of you who read this but don't post.  your energy comes through - i can feel it.  love all around.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
It was interesting to read what you wrote about your 2 year old's brain, that really makes sense.  I also often experience pain in the left-hand-side of my head - towards the front, it can really hurt - especially at night - and hearing what you said about your pain, I really relate to that.

Wishing you all the best for 2018 - as that new year approaches.  Sending you a  and warm thanks for all your support and your kindness and your lovely spirit.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

back atcha, hope.   

[DecimalRocket]

Crazy how some issues are things we can't even remember. I hope you don't mind me asking — but that was a pretty young age to see an issue of, how'd you do it?

Whether you answer it or not, take care, San.

[Sceal]

Big, warm and loving hug to you San!
Wishing you a wonderful evening, and a new year filled with self-compassion, bravery and further healing.
You are spreading so much relief, validation and love towards the members of this community. You are such a beautiful, wonderful, selfless person. Thank you, for being you!

[sanmagic7]

sceal, you did it again.  warmed my heart to overflowing.  thank you for your kind and lovely words and wishes.  you are a gem.

d.r., i read that you're taking a break from here, but in case you're reading this, i'll answer your question as best i can.  my sister was born when i was 21 mos. old.  when my mom was sick and dying, she and i talked a bit, and one thing she told me was that when my sister was born, she asked my dad not to be as hard on her as he'd been on me.

i know about his unrealistic expectations of me throughout my conscious childhood, but, no, i don't remember, really, what went on before i was 2, except for that clue from my mother that i had it pretty rough going from my dad.  when i discovered my alexithymia just a couple of years ago, i started researching it, and discovered how it can come about through emotional neglect or denial.

i know that growing up my emotions weren't given credence or were mocked/made fun of by my dad.  by the time i was 17, i was basically unaware of my emotions, didn't feel them, couldn't recognize any - all the stuff that makes up alexithymia.  what i learned about this 'disorder' is that neural networks between the emotion part of the brain and the verbal part of the brain are faulty, underdeveloped, or undeveloped.  the connections were never formed.

so, i began putting 2 and 2 together, and decided that my dad was so 'hard' on me with impossible expectations that i was striving to meet even from babyhood, including not having emotions that would be appropriate for various situations, that by the time my sister was born, my brain was already damaged.

when i did a therapeutic technique i found the other day (thru someone mentioning a different therapy) on myself,  what happened was that while a part of what i was focusing on was something i had chosen, i suddenly got a very sharp pain in my head.  the thought came to my mind that it was my 2-yr. old brain that was being engaged. (the other part i'd been working on i was able to think of as happening between the time i was 2 and 4).

when i brought this thought into consciousness and focused on it, the pain suddenly vanished.  it's because the pain disappeared when i thought of it being 2 while i was still in the midst of this technique that convinced me that the issue i was focusing on had already begun by the time i was 2.  that's how my process went, and it felt right to me.

so, that's how i got in touch with an issue that i have no conscious recollection of.  it simply floated to the surface as a bodily sensation, and i went exploring, gathered pieces, put them together, and voila!  they fit.  any other questions, feel free.

so, very glad to put 2017 behind me, hoping for the best in 2018.  hoping for the best for everyone else as well.  working on getting sugar out of my diet now, at this stage of the game it's only hurting me and i don't want that to get worse.  i'm probably going thru some sugar withdrawal now, and that will take a bit for me to get some balance back.  that's my big plan for this year. 

love to you all.

[RecoveryRandal]

Sending you good thoughts for your continued healing and warm wishes that this New Year is filled with even more progress and self-love.

Be well,
Randal

[sanmagic7]

thanks, randal, and right back atcha.  big hug.