ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

did more work today on that 2 and 4 - yr. old parts of me, my key word being 'neediness'.  traveled back in time to baby me, and what might have been going on that could have deprived me of feeling cared for and the correct inter-connections in my brain for my emotions.  i found a piece that truly struck me.

i don't know if there's an overriding phrase for caring for babies anymore, but i can remember hearing people talk at length about 'spoiling' children.  if you picked a baby up when they cried, you could be guilty of 'spoiling' that baby.  i didn't believe in that with my own kids, but it was a very popular notion for my parents' generation.

it's the thought that came to me as i was working thru this issue - my dad didn't want me to be 'spoiled', and i could feel my baby self lying in my crib, crying, wanting to be taken care of, and just being left there as if i were expected to take care of myself.  it hit me so strongly, i don't for a minute doubt that could have truly been what i'd gone thru.

so, no matter what the reason i might have been crying, i was being denied the care i was asking for.  that's how babies ask, isn't it, for what they need?  by crying?   i can see myself so very clearly, can imagine my mom wanting to pick me up, and my dad telling her to let me 'cry it out', or 'don't spoil her'. 

i don't remember having a comfort 'thing' like a stuffed animal or blanket until i was about 4 - eeek!  here's the 4-yr. old me - and my mom bought me a doll i named diane.  i would go to sleep ritually holding diane's arms, then legs, then her glass head, and that last would be when i'd fall asleep.

one night i went to bed and diane wasn't there.  i searched as best i could, but couldn't find her, and i comforted myself by telling myself that a fairy king had come and taken her.  i had no reason for it, and didn't cry (another heartbreak not cried over - that started really early, i guess) or ask about her.  i think i was taught not to ask questions, just accept.

it wasn't until i spent some time with my mom when she was dying of cancer that i finally asked about diane.  she remembered, told me that the rubber of the arms and legs were rotting, so she just threw it away.  never said a word to me at the time, never explained.  she always kept a very clean house - i think that was a major priority for her, so such a worn doll just wouldn't do.

left alone to comfort myself without any knowledge of how to do that, i resorted to fantasy.  magic.  something to explain and soothe.  no wonder i've had sadness in my eyes all my life.  no wonder i cry at the drop of a hat.  no wonder i've begun feeling needy at this point in my life.  no wonder i've continually looked for men, trying to find one that would take care of me, all the while i was one of the strongest, most independent women i knew.

wowser.  this has put a lot of pieces into place.  the only time i felt safe and taken care of by my dad was when i was very young, maybe 3 or less, and he would rock with me cuz i had a hard time going to sleep at night.  my mom told me that i had my days and nights mixed up.  even now, often i will sleep better during a nap than during the night, and i've been taking naps for many, many years.   and my rocking chair is a necessity for me.  i'm rocking right now.

so, i've been looking for men, and i just left my hub of 16 yrs. with no back-up man to take his place.  no wonder this neediness has struck me now.  once again, i feel adrift.  i do feel better for having done this work, feel more whole, more integrated, but the pieces are still sticking out, and it will probably be a while till they're all comfortably in place.  at least i hope they get there. 

[RecoveryRandal]

That sounds like some very powerful work you're doing there, sanmagic7, and that lots of things are clicking for you as a result.

I've had to learn self-soothing relatively recently. For me, that usually involves blankets, a warm drink, and watching animation. So, you rock on with your rocking chair and whatever else it is you need to feel good and safe!

[sanmagic7]

i just want this to stop!!!! 

i realized last nite that i wrote about my doll story in the past, yet here it was again, altho in a different category.  so, now these things aren't just one and done, but doubling up on themselves - traumas within traumas.  i'm so tired, have been up at 1 and 2 in the morning, can't get back to sleep, naps aren't long enough, i'm drained.

i don't doubt part of this is sugar withdrawal, part is the season, which always knocks me sideways.  the issues keep being there, i keep doing something else to address them, they come back to bite me in the butt.  it felt good to post on some journals, but now it's all i can do to write this down.

i feel like i'm in the toilet and ready to flush.

there is too much.  i don't know how to do this anymore.  i haven't been able to find a worthwhile t in over 30 yrs. of therapy and two countries.  reworking this stuff took me by surprise last nite.  someone wrote about being young and finding out about this, and, really, how frickin' lucky they are.  as bad as it may seem in your 20's or 30's, o my heart and soul, i didn't get to this till my late 60's - that's over 60 years of baggage to handle.  and it just keeps coming.

i'm rambling, ranting, i don't know anymore.  this too shall pass, right?  i don't know how much more i can take.  and i know i've said that before, too.  circles within circles within more.  i feel horrible.  one more time.  i don't know how much i'm expected to take, how many times i'm expected to go thru this before it's ok to give up, throw in the towel, call it quits, just say 'enough'.  i don't want to do this anymore.  i'm so sad.

thanks, randal.  just read your post. 

[Three Roses]

I relate to this, strongly. How much of this #[*&%$!! is too much?? I feel so tired sometimes.

I don't have any words of wisdom, no sage insight. Just a comforting hug. Wrapping you in soft and warm thoughts today, dear San.

[RecoveryRandal]

I've been there, that point where everything feels like vapor and ash, where I experience myself as being little more than one big ball of pain and triggers.

But we are more than that. We are more than the sum of our pain and our issues. As powerful as they are, we are more powerful still, yes, even when it doesn't feel that way.

I came across a quote recently that I try to remember when things get to be too much: "Every time you thought life would defeat you, you were wrong."

My heart goes out to you, San, and I'm sending you warm wishes for sustained strength.

[Sceal]

My darling San... I am sending you some warm and loving thoughts. And in my mind giving you a lengthy hug.

[sanmagic7]

thank you all.  i'm about ready to quit.  both my hub and d are in the toilet as well, and i'm just working on staying alive for them.   i really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever.  one day at a time, but each day throws another curve, and my glove is wearing out.  getting too tired to play anymore.

[berceuse]

Hey San,
I don't have much to say but I am very familiar with those feelings and when I feel like this, it reminds me of a scene in Godfather III where Al Pacino says "Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in." The scene makes me laugh when I think about my relationship with C-PTSD.  Maybe, it works for you too.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, berceuse.  that about says it all.

so, lag time is 3 days.  i finally woke up angry this morning, which feels a bit more alive than wallowing in the muck, but doggone it, it's frustrating at the same time that this anger is so difficult to come by.  if i could, i'd be using a lot of cuss words here.

be that as it may, i'm mad at the doc about not listening to me about my back (that's taken about a month to feel), which led to me being in pain for so much longer than i think was necessary, i'm mad about the situations both my hub and d are having to deal with, and i'm mad that this c-ptsd crapola keeps rearing its ugly head just when i'm feeling good about things.

it all sucks, i hate it, all of it.

i'm also mad that all you beautiful people have to go thru so much fear, pain, and suffering due to no fault of your own.  my given name means 'helper of mankind', and it ticks me off that so many have been so hurt - it strikes at the essence of me, and i'm mad for all of you that you have to go thru this.

right now, my anger knows no bounds.

[Sceal]

I've been thinking of you more or less all day today. Knowing you're going through such a hard time, wondering what I could do to lighten up your day a little.
But I haven't figured it out. At least not yet. Wholehearted words that sings their true intent as I mean them are hard for me.
But I wanted you to know I'm here, I'm listening and I care.

As for the anger, it's good you're able to be angry. Let it out. Acknowledge the wrongs that's happened to you and your dear ones, and still is happening.
Allowing anger is important!
Hang in there.

[sanmagic7]

i'm hangin' sceal.  thank you - your words convey a lot of meaning and feeling to me, and i appreciate them.

[DecimalRocket]

Geez, San. That sounds tough.

I was gone for only a day but I missed you. I worry if you'd be alright. And I can see that yes, what you went through was unfair. The people who harmed you or neglected you were unfair. Society is unfair. The world is unfair.

Yes, others like us are being hurt too. We can't stop the rain, but we can hold an umbrella on others' heads. And you're doing that. A lot of people are.

Let it out, San. It's alright to hurt.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  i miss you when you're gone, too.

it's ok to hurt, huh?  it's just so big and keeps coming, and has been around for so long, and i'm having a hard time bearing it lately.  it absolutely doesn't feel ok to me anymore.  too much is too much, and i can't hardly read posts by anyone else cuz of the pain and suffering there.

it may be time for me to take a break.  i want to go to ground like a wounded animal, lick my wounds, stay there till i'm healed.  right now i don't have the strength for anything else. 

love you all (sorry if that's too much for you, d.r., but just dis-include yourself if you need to.)

[Three Roses]

We'll be here when you're ready to come back. Until then take care of yourself, dear San.   

[Elphanigh]

My dear sorry I have not been able to reply much. We are here when you get back. It does sound like you deserve a break to take some time to experience a bit of peace.