ch. 3 70's survival

[DecimalRocket]

It's a kind of bravery to be able to find strength even in weakness, huh, San?

Wishing you the best. 

[Hope67]

Also wanted to wish you the best, San Magic and give you a warm loving hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you both, d.r. and hope.  hugs gratefully accepted.

new, frightening realization today, wrote about it under dissociation.  for the first time i'm afraid to be alone.

[Elphanigh]

I am here tonight, San. I promise you are not alone 

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

el and sceal, you brought tears to my eyes.  thank you.

i'm not sleeping, can't fall asleep.  another thing with my ll tonite and i'm so mad and upset yet don't feel like i can confront her on it.  once again, she walked into my room without asking if she could come in, asking me some inane question about tomatoes.

i'd been tearing up, tears on my face, told her 'i don't know' twice and she just came in cuz, i guess, my door was open a tiny bit.  she'd come in earlier in a similar way to bring me my mail.  called 'mail for you' outside my door, and said 'ok', and thought she was going to shove it under the door.  i remember us talking about that so that she wouldn't startle me.  but, she walked in while i was watching tv, walked up to the tv so she could read which piece of mail belonged to me, and later the tomato incident happened.

after the two 'i don't know's', and she came in without asking, i just put my hand up to block her, kept watching tv, and she left.  i haven't spoken to her since.  i'm hoping to move with my d this summer, and i'll probably need a reference from ll, so i hesitate to say anything.

my d is also living in a rotten situation at the moment, and i just have to keep thinking that she's doing it until she can get out of her lease, so i can do it without making waves, keep my reference here good.  i would just never think of walking into someone's room in this house without knocking and asking if i could come in, even if their door was wide open.  i'd feel like i was invading their privacy, but i guess she thinks cuz this is her house she has the run of everyone's room or something.

i'm just rambling, don't know what to do, feeling very vulnerable, unsafe, scared unless i'm actually with my d, who is very kind and caring around me.  i tried to be friends with ll, who's my age, but i guess to her that means that boundaries don't  count.  i'm pulling as far back as possible until i can get out of here.  i hesitate to do anything else, cuz i've already talked about this stuff with her.

i don't know how this relates to recovery.  it feels like i'm making my way thru a minefield right now.   i just pray my d will actually take me with her when she moves.  i think so, but i don't have that certainty yet.  i'm spiraling in limbo.

[Elphanigh]

I don’t have many words today, but wanted to send you all the comfort I could. Having someone invade our space like that is always so difficult to deal with, and truly shouldn’t happen. I hope pulling away from her can help.

Lots of love and warmth. Sending a big hug full of support this morning

[Sceal]

Darling San,

This definetly relates to recovery! Being in an environment that you do not feel safe, or have a home to retreat too when you need to be left alone are big hinders for recovery. My T would have called it therapy-hindrance. It makes everything so much more harder when a part of your mind is always wondering "Am I safe here? Is my need for privacy respected?" We all need a place to call ours. I think trauma-struggelers especially needs a safe space to crawl back to.

I am very sorry you're in such a situation right now, and I hope that both you and your daughter has a chance of moving to a better place come this summer. You can always tell your landlady that you're moving in with your daughter, because she is in a place where she has to move.  That way you avoid saying it's because you've felt unsafe with her, and avoid insulting her. Maybe that will help on getting a good reference. 

[sanmagic7]

well, i've lost a lot of entries, but i'm ok with that.

had a bout of depression the past few days after writing that letter to my ex.  suddenly, while watching the end of one of my fav feel good laugh out loud movies last nite (jay and silent bob fight back), the depression lifted.  i'm feeling better today.  the care and love that was sent me through all this was so heartfelt and true that i was able to take it with me to sleep last nite and it helped soothe and calm me.   thank you all for being here for me.

so, one foot in front of the other.  there may be more that i want to add to that letter, but right now i'm in an ok place with it.  i know it's there if i need it.  so far, it seems to have helped, of which i'm so glad.

gonna go take a walk this morning.  when the feeling comes over me, it feels like the right thing to do.  i may even cook today.  glory glory.

[sanmagic7]

i just noticed that my letter to my ex is gone with the wind, and it felt freeing, like it's out in the universe where it belongs, being taken care of for me.  i remember what you said, blueberry, about arrogant and naive, and i'll address that later.  for now, i feel better.

[Blueberry]

  that you're feeling better!

[sanmagic7]

when i wrote that i was naive and arrogant, i didn't mean those as put-downs of myself.  they were factual.  i was naive thru the alexithymia and arrogant thru my belief that i was perfect and knew just what he needed.  both were by-products of trauma, but i'm not critical of myself.  just realistic.  i was what i was.

today, i was upset first thing this morning.  the son of my ll lives here, and he went on a rampant about her moving something of his and he needed it and couldn't find it.  lots of cussing, name-calling, very loud, lasted about a half hour.  he asked if she'd moved all my stuff around, and when i said no, he pointed a finger at me and told me that it was coming.

then he told me as he was going to his room not to let her touch my stuff,  i could feel my gut going around in circles, and it ended up with me running to the john several times, and now i feel pretty miserable physically.  dang, will this never end?  i didn't feel threatened or anything, but the neg. vibes were just very upsetting to me.

i'm not 'reporting' this to her cuz he's a resource for me to get food at the food pantry twice a month, which has been so very helpful to me and my finances.   it's just a hotbed of fault-finding here sometimes.  i even told her last week that she's judgmental after, one more time, she pointed out how someone in the house decides to throw out food they don't find appetizing.    said it was 'silly'.  i'd had enough.

i can't imagine what she says about me to others, and i don't try.  i'm doing my best to simply tolerate this kind of crap, stay in my room, avoid her as much as possible.  the price is still right, and i can't beat that.  i'm glad i told her, tho, cuz she said she wouldn't bring it up to me anymore.  which is a good thing.

so, one day at a time.  one foot in front of the other.  just feels good to get it out.

[Elphanigh]

I don't have much to give tonight but wanted to send hugs and love ❤️  that situation sounds like a lot to take in, I hope you ave gotten to calm down and feel better as the day has gone on

[sanmagic7]

thank you darling el.  i am able to think of you and what you say, especially before falling asleep, and it is soothing.

i felt pretty miserable physically all day yesterday, several trips to the john.  that stuff hits me right in the gut, and i have no defenses anymore to ignore it or override it.  gut punched, and my gut is pretty sensitive now.

feeling a bit better today.  gonna lay low most of the day.  i have some editing to do, which i enjoy, and some writing of my own to tweak.  nothing very physical.   

i am now in the middle of several different dynamics that are going on here.  it's like i'm the secret keeper on some level.  since i don't do gossip, people feel pretty comfy talking to me about what's going on around them.  i just haven't expected things to escalate here - it seemed like a nice, quiet boarding house type of situation when i moved in.  behind closed doors the fires rage.

so, i bide my time, living with a bit more tension than i expected, which i'm not fond of.  i told my ll off last week, told her she was judgmental after one more complaint about another resident here.  i've heard that complaint about a couple of them, i finally couldn't stand hearing it anymore.  so i told her, she denied it, i gave her the example of what judgment was, she said she just won't bring it up to me anymore and walked away.

that's fine with me.  leave me alone.  i just want to be in my space here, doing my work on my computer, watching my shows, and hoping to continue healing my body and soul.  the tension does not help with the healing.  i'm so aware of it now, where i hadn't been aware of how tense i really was for so very many years.

it's to the point, and has been for a long time, that my muscles, etc., just aren't able to relax.  i have to consciously think about it and physically concentrate in order to allow my muscles to not be tensed up.  they have had so much practice over the decades with being tense, they don't know how to do it on their own, and are reluctant to do it with my help.  it's so weird.

i'm rambling.  i know.  i'm just tired of the crapola.  maybe someday . . .

[Elphanigh]

I am glad it can help you sleep, San  I do hope all of this crapola can eventually subside for you. Until then I am here in anyway I can be