ch. 3 70's survival

[Three Roses]

Lighting my candle now 

[berceuse]

Dear San,
I am thinking about you and I wish you all the strength you need to get through this 

[sanmagic7]

you were all wonderful.  he got it in one swell foop.  the needles were horrible, and the pain right now is quite bad.  i've got vicodin but it's not touching it much.  i'll see what happens by tomorrow - it may need to get into my system before it works at full force. 

one fun thing is that i got a bunch of people to autograph my bandaging (i look like the walking wounded from a war).  dang, if i'm gonna have to wear this for 48 hrs., i'm gonna rock it, by gum!!!

thank you one and all.  my head is now cancer-free.  survival of the 70's.  be back soon when the pain subsides.  can't think real well right now.  love you all.

[Elphanigh]

So glad you are okay, and that he got it in one try. Get some much needed rest dear friend. 

[EliseB]

Hi Sanmagic,

I guess this is a little after the fact, but I found your posting and I wanted to send you my good wishes as well.  You're an amazing person for always responding with encouragement for others, even when you've been going through so much.

I hope you get the best care possible, and that your angels are watching over you and always close to you.  Glad you're doing alright!

Elise

[sanmagic7]

better today, the meds kicked in, i'm a little loopy.  thank you all again, and elise, it's never too late in my book.  you were all swell, all with me.  this is the best bunch of people i've never met!!!  love and hugs all around.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there, Sans. I saw you tended to post on my threads and I wanted to repay you.

Well, I'm not sure what to say. Luckily, emoticons here are pretty expressive themselves.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
So happy to hear that your surgeon was successful in getting it all - that is brilliant.  I felt tearful when I knew you were going to have the surgery, but now there are tears of relief knowing you are fine.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you made me smile, dec. rocket.  that's as healing as anything.  thanks.

yes, relief, hope.  thank you for your support.  you were there with me, holding me up. 

i'm so appreciative to all of you. 

loopy on these pain meds, but at least there's no real pain now, for which i'm immensely glad.  will be taking the pressure bandage off tomorrow.  i'm told it will be at least a month for this to heal.  i opted out of having it stitched up.  i didn't want to spend another minute in there.

mon. i'll start scheduling rides for therapy.  i don't know how it's going yet.  i talked with her for a phone session the day before the surgery, said i wanted her to calm me down.  she began suggesting things for me to do.  for me to do.  i wasn't asking for suggestions. 

as a therapist, if a client had asked me for that kind of help, i'd have done some kind of guided imagery to release stress that was being held, something like that.  that's really what i was looking for.  there have been several things like that where i feel like she's 'missed' me or my meaning.  i'll give it a few more sessions, but i just don't know.  i've already confronted her on something, and kind of feel like i'm floundering, like the therapy is directionless, which is a bit unnerving.  we'll see.

beside that, i'm just taking it slow, being careful when i have to walk, and just being uncomfortable.  i've got a scarf wrapped around my head to help hold the bandage in place, but it's not doing a very good job.  can't wait to get it off.  so, that's life for now.   love to all.

[Sceal]

How are you feeling today?  Thinking of you!

I hope you can sort it out with your therapist. I think it's quite impressive that you confronted her once, I would never dare. Would it be hard for you to find another one?

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, i'm doing better.  just going thru the healing process.  the wound seems clean, i'm on antibiotics, and i'm a good healer, so i'm feeling pretty positive about that part right now.  it'll just take time.  ahhhh, patience is a virtue.

since i've never seen a trauma therapist before, have never been treated as someone who's been traumatized, i'm not quite sure what to expect.  she says she's looking for 'shifts' in me.  i've always been a more directive therapist, so this seems pretty directionless to me at the moment.  but, maybe this is a different way of doing trauma therapy.  i don't know yet.

yes, it would be pretty difficult for me to get another therapist.  not having transportation, i have to rely on a seniors rideshare thing, and they're awfully booked up - besides which, it has to be someone not only in this area, but also someone who takes medicare.   i'm not looking for someone different yet.

meanwhile, i've got my hub pushing on me a little to help him get across the border, and my d is pulling away a bit because, while it's been her dream to move to this part of the country, things haven't gone the way she envisioned them, including her mother being here and needing her help.  so, a couple of awkward dynamics going on for me.

i'm just getting very tired of not feeling like i fit anywhere, and i've no place left to run.   i'm too old for this crapola.

[sanmagic7]

last night i was in so much pain.  i'm seeing the doc tomorrow.  the way they want me to care for the wound continues to keep it raw and open, and it's just too painful.  my muscles, too, have paid the price for all the anxiety, tension, and stress of anticipating this surgery, then having it pushed back a week, so it was all that  more time to be stressed.

i can't laugh, cough, sneeze, or even just walk now without being in pain.   can no longer stand up straight.   my neck, back, sides are yelling even when i sit still.  as much as i can, i work on being mindful and letting that tension out - it's like what i read 3 roses call being armored up - but it comes back within minutes, it seems. 

i'm so weary and worn down from living like this. 

[Elphanigh]

Oh my dear, I wish I could help you so much. I do hope that the Dr can help tomorrow. You do not deserve to be in so much pain. All that tension does truly add up. I wish you well my dear friend.

Can I make you some tea on the porch? Get a comfortable spot set up for you there, where you wouldn't feel the pain. I could bring my cat Thalia, she loves to curl up next to or on people when they are in need. She is a great companion and loves to purr even when she is not being petted.

[DecimalRocket]

Awwww man, that must suck. I hope you can heal soon. If I could, I would go superhero healer on you — and take away all the pain with my conveniently magical hands . . . and I would have the ability to heal whenever I eat meat. Especially. . . Especially bacon.. Okay, where was I?

Sending some hope and some hugs for you.

[sanmagic7]

thank you my dear el.  i like lemon tea, nothing with caffeine, please.  i'll be there again tonight.  relaxing, releasing the tension.  my poor body is wracked up.   

d.r., love those magical healing hands.  wouldn't that be great?  thanks for that thought.

the doc went well.  told him i couldn't keep doing what he wanted me to do with the wound, that it was too painful to me.  he looked at it, seemed surprised, said it looked good, clean, that i was doing a good job of taking care of it.  it made me wonder about what he might've seen otherwise with other people in the same situation.

i do have to see him next week again.  i think he's still a little skittish as to how this is going to heal, especially since i didn't get stitches.  it's just a small moon crater on the side of my head.  i've had enough scrapes and cuts and surgical wounds in my life to know how to take care of them.  plus, i took care of those of my children. 

anyway, i feel less tense, at least a little bit.  i'll have to continue to work on that.  this is a part of my entire healing process, tho - getting this physical stuff taken care of.  it's hard to do emotional healing when feeling crappy physically.  still, moving forward.