ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

love your protective little mama bear, el.  i'll take the i.d. with me.

part of the freedom for me was not really feeling fear.  now, to have that emotion at the ready is unnerving to me as well.  i went where i wanted when i wanted, did what i wanted cuz i wasn't afraid, didn't have that protective bit of me letting me know something might be dangerous.  i've taken many road trips on my own, 2300 mi. to mexico, 2300 mi. back by myself, all i felt was the adventure of the open road and the freedom it promised.

i could recognize such situations to an extent, wasn't rashly a daredevil, but i always felt like i was in a protected cocoon of some sort, and nothing would hurt me.  delusional thinking, i suppose, but i lived most of my life like that, doing things that others found frightening, and telling me how much courage i had, how brave i was.

i never felt brave cuz i believe you have to feel fear in order to be brave.  i've just begun being brave when i posted a few times here and the fear was letting itself show.  now i'm afraid most all the time, and i don't like the feeling at all.  it's stunting.  on the other hand, i've begun taking i.d. with me because of it.

it's weird being older as well.  every time i go to the doc, he's always warning me about falling.  that was never an issue before, but now it's a biggie.  well, i told him last time that i'm careful cuz i don't want to fall, either.  he thinks i might have soft bones, that x-rays showed a compression fracture in my lower back.  i have no idea how long that might have been there, and there's nothing to be done about it.

this week, speaking of medical stuff, i have to go for a mammogram again.  just had one, had to go back for an ultra sound cuz there's a mass they're concerned about but can't identify.  i can feel fear niggling at the back of my brain, but i don't want to let it come forward.  hopefully, i can get it done this week, see if i have to have a biopsy or something.  it will all come out in the wash eventually.

i want to ignore it - i've had lots of cysts in the past - but that niggling fear won't let me.  so, one more friggin' thing with my health.  ugh.  i guess i care more about living than i sometimes want to admit.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, I read your last few posts, but was too emotionally overwhelmed to respond. But I'm feeling alright enough now.

I can relate to that need for freedom. Not physical freedom as in adventuring outside, but intellectual freedom. In the geeky tech world, there's something called the Dark Net - where sites that can't normally be accessed through ordinary means are found. That also well . . . includes a lot of underground information like secret discussions from people under dictators' regimes, and you know how much information is my thing. I found my way in but somehow got too scared to continue.

Sigh. I don't like that fear either. . . of being watched. Of losing freedom. Of needing to be cautious.

I'm sorry about your worries about your health too. I don't know what to say about that - but here's a nice gentle hug from me. 

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad you like my mama bear a bit. It comes out more than I would like sometimes.

It sounds freeing to not have that fear, it is something I truly have never experienced. Partially a generational thing, and I think just personality difference. I can understand how it would be really difficult to start to feel fear more and more though. It is a truly difficult emotion to deal with, as it is a stifling one. I think that one learns to have courage and bravery to do the things anyways. Like going on your walks despite a chance of falling.

All this being said I am glad you are finding balance with the need for freedom and a bit of fear. I think that shows a lot of strength and wisdom. 

I wish you the best of luck with the doctors. Sending a big warm hug for you 

[Sceal]

 

[ah]

San,

This may just be me but I couldn't bear to watch the opening of the winter olympics, the north korean cheer leaders broke my heart. I saw a stills photo of their identical expressions and saw so much that's familiar there that I couldn't look at them. It terrified me.
I saw my face as a kid, working very hard to show no emotion and to suppress everything because if I didn't, I was punished.
It was hard seeing the same body language on a whole group of people. And hard to see how people around didn't seem as horrified as I felt.

Just my really subjective response. It felt like I just saw a vicious attack but no one else saw it and everyone just kept smiling and the show went on.

Sci fi is my favorite genre. I hope I'll get to read your book.
And oh boy can I relate to your stress and chronically stressed muscles... and everything else, it's so hard. I wish I could make it go away.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping the new medical stuff is nothing. Will you let us know when you know?

[sanmagic7]

you all blew me away, and i was so overwhelmed with such lovely feelings i couldn't even respond.  thank you so very much.

d.r., i know about the darknet, wrote about it in my book, and i don't advocate anyone going there.  very bad stuff there, dangerous, frightening that those people exist.  i'm glad you got scared - there's a lot there to be scared about.  knowledge and information are wonderful, if only to know what to avoid.  but submersing ourselves in the wrong kind of stuff can be harmful, too.  please, be careful.  love your hugs.

in one sense it was completely freeing not to have fear, but it was also part of the alexithymia, which meant i didn't have other emotions (except sadness, which i held in my eyes) either.  i was so unaware of self, of emotions of others, had no compassion for the fear of others cuz i didn't understand it at all, had no empathy for others' struggles cuz i couldn't relate.

i basically floated thru life without feeling much at all.  not that i was numb, but didn't have the neural capacity for the connections inherent with emotions and realizing what they were.  so, these past 2 years or so, as i've been working on re-wiring my brain, some of the emotions are appearing for the first time in a recognizable way.  fear is one of them, and i absolutely hate it. 

i recognize it as a warning, a danger signal, and that it's part of our emotional makeup as humans, so in one sense i'm glad it's there - i'm becoming more wholly human.  however, it's also like an alien being to me, constricting me where i never felt constricted before, not consciously at least. 

thanks for the hugs, sceal.  always  enjoyed, always appreciated.

ah, i had a hard time with the opening ceremonies also.  basically sobbed my way thru them.  what's going on in the world is so horrible.  what you described was somewhat akin to how we all were during the cold war in the 50's, the threat of nuclear annihilation hanging by a string over our heads. 

if you're interested, my d writes sci-fi  my book, i'm still editing and re-working.  if it gets finished, i'll let you know.  thanks for the interest.  and, yes, i'll let everyone know what happens with the doc.  the appt. isn't till mar. 8.

you are all very special people to me, and i so appreciate you being in my life.  love you all.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

  back atcha, 3roses.  thanks, you lovely thing you.

[Sceal]

I find it both exhausting, fascinating and scary to touch on my own emotions. I tend to push them away to the extent they are working in the background so I don't actually "feel" them. I know they are there, but I don't have to deal with them.. unless they get too intense that is. I've done that most of my life, simply because I haven't had the tools to deal with them. So I can only imagine how it must be for you to discover emotions! I hope you do get the positive ones along side the negative ones. So you get the whole variety of them.

You're working really hard processing all of this!Doing wonderful progress. You are strong, and I hope you know that. You've been through so much, and still, you never gave up. You continued to fight. It's incredible!

I hope today is a good day for you. And that you've done progress on your book, as well as giving yourself time to some self-love.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal, thank you for the kind words.  to tell the truth, sometimes i hate my spirit for being so strong that i haven't given up.  that may sound weird, but there it is.

the book is coming along, thanks, but i don't know about working on it today.  i'm feeling sick-y, took thera flu and did some inhaler for my lungs, hoping that will keep them from clogging up.  can't think too clearly.  gonna take a sick day - hahaha

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Take care and recuperate well - I know you're not feeling too well today - hope you can relax and that you feel better soon.  Glad to hear your book is coming along - that sounds great, but resting to get better - that's a good thing too. 
Take care,
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, San. I've researched and prepared about the Dark Net or Deep web's possible precautions. Lots of websites are illegal there but not every one is. I'll keep out of those and only visit researched trusted sites, I'll avoid giving personal info or downloading anything and I'll get myself some programs for cybersecurity.

Well, San. I can relate with getting used to new emotions. Even new intensities of happiness scares me because of their unfamiliarity. To be honest, empathy still scares me somehow. Before, I had the freedom to not absorb other's pain as much. But to feel is a deep relief to me compared to coldness and numbness, and I've gotten too kind to turn back.

I feel more human too. I thought what I cared about most was happiness, but it seems that as I gain back my emotions, I care more about being more human. It's deeply pressuring and difficult to feel them again — I know — and I'm sorry it's burdening you too.

Take care, San. 

See you.

[sanmagic7]

thank you hope - still under the weather today.  it's so scary to me to feel sick, very scared about getting pneumonia/bronchitis cuz my lungs are weaklings now.  so, i'm laying low again today.  hope this passes soon.

d.r., glad you're taking precautions.  personally, i'd leave that place alone - there's a reason it's in the dark.  but, that's just me.  there are some things i don't need to know too much about.  just knowing it's there  and what's available is enough for me.  thank you for your well wishes, too, sweetie.

ok, i tired myself out, back to rest.  getting some lemon-ginger tea, and back to bed.   love to you all.

[Hope67]

Love to you too SanMagic, and hope that Lemon & Ginger tea helps. 
Take care,
Hope 

[Sceal]

Ginger and lemon tea helped me last week. Along with  serious garlic soup