ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

i just need to write this down, get some of it out of me.

the stress keeps building, as well as being in physical pain.  my back blurted back up after this last exam, and all i can do is take painkillers and wait for it to settle down again after the stress from that incident leaves.  in the meantime, i will be moving with my daughter in a few months, so i have to tell my landlady she's losing another tenant.

this house situation is more like a community rather than landlord of apts. situation.  we're all just renting rooms, but share the kitchen and bathrooms, so we're on a little closer terms than if we all had our own apts.  my ll and i have shared tears and confidences, and i know she struggles financially, which is why she rents her bedrooms out.  she's losing one person in a couple months, and i have to tell her now that she'll also be losing me.

i know it will be a big blow to her.  it can't be helped.  this has been the best place for me to be during this first year i'm back from mexico, but it's been such a stressful year - just the move and leaving my hub of 16 yrs. in another country should be enough emotional excess for a year.  but i've had cancer surgery, illness, more doc visits, tests, and exams than i can count now, the bills keep coming, and am now looking toward re-packing and moving once again.

the stress just keeps piling up.  i'm bursting into tears again at random times.  ate sugar for 2 weeks straight.  the pain in my back is from stress, and keeps me from going out and walking, cuz that'll just make it worse.  my d is in a neg. emotional state cuz this move was forced on her by circumstances over which she had no control.  we have very little money to make a move, no car, and i don't know how this is going to be accomplished.

that's the worst part - i can't visualize this move.  i can't 'see' it happening, yet it has to happen because her lease will be up and she and her roomies had a parting of the ways.  not her choice, and she's struggling with that, with the fact that she'll have to live with her old, sick mother, 2 very independent women, even tho we're in a really good place together.  still.

and, i'm struggling with making the transition to being an old, sick woman who is dependent on her daughter for help.  i've never been in this position before, always took life by the horns and wrestled it to the ground.  now, i'm a person i never wanted to be.  the stress has taken its toll, and doesn't let up. 

i can only have faith in the magic, in the powers that be that we'll land on our feet somehow, but not being able to picture it is wreaking havoc with my being.   i've used visualization so much to my benefit in the past, that when it's not available, it scares me.  i don't know how to deal with it. 

this move will be gotten thru somehow, because it will have to.  that's all i have to go on right now.  i can't help but wonder if this will ever let up.  once again, dragging me down, and will be unless i know something more specific in the next couple of months. 

i also sent the letter to my ex-t, and i'm sure she's gotten it by now.  have no idea if there will be any consequences for that, either.  'there are too many of them!!!'  time to eat and sleep.  i wish it would all go away.

[sanmagic7]

i just looked again at my title here.  i started this third journal when i turned 70, last oct.   it's not even 6 months, and survival is precisely the word/concept that fits here.   

[Elphanigh]

My dear, you have been through so much in the six months that this journal has been here and truly in the year I have gotten to know you (odd it is about to be a year). I would like to send as much warmth, compassion, strength, and healing to you as I can. Physical ailments are so difficult now, I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. But you are one of the strongest, most resilient people I know. You will get through this move, and we will all help you on your way. Remember to take things one step a time a time, and be patient with yourself as you wouldn't tell me to do.

Earth mother spirit is there with you as well. Her voluminous skirts are full of the warmth and safety if sounds like you need right now. Sit wrapped up in them until you feel like you have gotten all the strength you need. Remember she is always there to offer comfort and compassion to you.

Sending you love, and gentle hugs 

[sanmagic7]

you have now embodied her, dearest el, and i need that so much right now.  thank you for sending her back to me.  tearing up with this joy i feel for you.

[Elphanigh]

Awe San, hearing that you think I have finally embodied her makes me tear up. I only hope to continue to do that.  I always wish to be as good at it as you are. You are teaching me a lot from afar 

Truly my dear, I love you

[sanmagic7]

and i love you right back.  you are very precious to me.

[Elphanigh]

That means the world to me. I hope you have been able to relax and start to breathe again today

[sanmagic7]

a little bit.  time to hit the shower.  thank you for helping me keep my head above ground today. 

[Elphanigh]

Always glad to help, dear 

[Sceal]

You have had so incredbly much to deal with this past year alone, and yet you've been such an incredible strong and supportive person for me - and many others here on the forum.  I just want to thank you for the caring that you have for us here. It's vital.

I hope the conversation with your ll will be alright, and that she will not make it too difficult for you with feeling guilty. Circumstances change sometimes - and we all have to find ways to adapt. I think it will be good for you to move out from that location though. To hopefully have a home where you will feel more secure emotionally and physically.

Sending you some warmth, and I'll light a vanilla scented candle for you tonight. 

[Blueberry]

san, I'm sending      and hoping it helps a little.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, you beautiful thing, you.  the thought of that candle will help me sleep tonite.  thank you. 

blueberry, all those hugs helped waaaay more than a little.  so very sweet of you.  thank you.

the talk with the ll went well.  she's very sorry to see me go, as i'm the only one who's really given a rat's you-know-what about her and how much she works.  no guilt, no shame, which i was glad of.  another of her tenants is leaving in 5 weeks, so the timing wasn't the best, but i'll be leaving on good terms. 

glad of that, cuz i may need a referral letter from her to be able to be a tenant elsewhere.  don't know if she'll go that far, but it'll be worth a shot.  since i have no credit, it may be difficult for me to be seen as a viable tenant.   

it just sucks not having enough money to be sure of anything.  so much financial concerns to worry about - i've never been rich, never had money, but i've never felt so scared about this kind of thing, including not having a car (either of us) and my d wants to move to a small town that might not even have public transportation.  too many of these kinds of things       yeah, whirling around my head just like that. 

so, the stress continues to wreak havoc with my well-being, which is why your support and well wishes brought such a big smile to my face and my heart.  you're all in my prayers every nite - everyone on this forum has truly been life-savers for me, continuing to keep my head above water.  i know i'll get thru this, but i really don't like being in the middle of it. 

i was really looking forward to being 70 and beyond.  didn't think it would be like this - i thought things would finally begin straightening out and becoming smoother.  instead, i find myself dealing with even more anxiety than ever, and it just doesn't let up.  i thought i was 'getting better', but all the medical stuff has knocked me on my keister, emotional stuff in my d's life that i find difficult to deal with, and more grieving continues to be felt.

i'm relying on xanax more often than i used to.  i've had this prescribed in the past in mexico by a shrink to deal with my anxiety, but managed to be able to cope without using it most of the time.  it was also to be able to sleep.  that got changed to clonazepam, which does still help me sleep, but doesn't quiet my mind quite the same way the xanax does.  i think i'm gonna ask my doc next month to switch them back. 

this really does feel like 9 steps back.  like i'm losing momentum now instead of moving forward even a little bit once in a while.  like i'm moving to a place i've read about that other people here have been struggling with for a long time, but i'd never had to.   

maybe it's technically progress that i'm having more feelings i can actually feel and identify, but it's really making me miserable most of the time.  i can still laugh, be sociable, have a good time, but when the distractions are over, i really don't like the way i feel, don't like the situation i'm in, and am having a more difficult time dealing with it all.

if this is progress, i'm really sorry that i'm making any, cuz it doesn't feel like it at all.  it feels worse than where i was a year ago, as far as me, personally.  maybe i've just been thru too much and it's taking its toll in this manner, and i'm not even aware.  or it's been so bad for so long that i don't even know anymore.

this situation now with my d and her ex is something that t's me off and breaks my heart at the same time.   i'm grateful that her friend that came to visit her last week also sees it as i do and is mad about it, so it's not just that i'm looking at it thru a mother's eyes.  i see him breaking her heart, being completely untrustworthy, throwing crumbs her way every so often so that she'll stay with him cuz he's scared to death she'll leave him, even tho he's now got a new girlfriend.

she doesn't see it the same way, grabs hold of those crumbs like lifesavers, like they mean that he's still this nice guy she originally fell for and has been in love with for 5 yrs.  he's broken up with her twice, but they've remained best friends.  i see so much of how i was in relationships in her - she has to be pushed off the edge cuz their behaviors/words/actions don't allow her to stay.  i've been there too many times and can see it too clearly now.

whew.  that felt good to get that out.  i've needed to talk about it, and didn't know i needed to.  can't talk to her about it cuz she doesn't want to hear bad things about him.  i know i have to let her move thru this at her own pace, and she is angry about it, is moving cuz of it, but she just latches onto any little pos. thing he does to try to maintain that he's really a good guy.

he's one of the most selfish guys i've ever met, and i've felt like that about him for years.  but i've loved him like a son, have worked at getting him to like me, and now, heaven help me, i can't stand him anymore.  can't fake it, and have to keep it in or risk alienating my d.  and i don't want to do that.

so, i'm just typing this out here, getting it out of my system.  my fingers are flying faster than my thoughts.  with anger in them.  tonite's her birthday, we're all supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate along with another couple, and don't know if he feels up to it.  for my sake, i hope he doesn't, cuz i don't want to spend 2 hrs. sitting across the table from him pretending like i think he's ok.

for her sake, i don't know what i wish.  if he shows up, she'll think that's grand.  if he doesn't, it may keep her anger up so she'll want to cut all ties with him, which is what i think would be best for her.  he's been riding her coattails with their business forever.  she'd be better off without him, in my opinion.  he's not reliable, and she needs someone who is.

anyway, enough of this crapola.  breathe.  in.  out.  feels better to get it out.  otherwise this is a fungus rotting away inside me.

thanks d.r.  just saw your hug.  perfect timing.  i needed that, too.

[DecimalRocket]

Glad you were able to get it all out. I just wanted to wish you the best, and say I listened to all that. When I'm tired, being on the spectrum makes people related subjects harder to understand, but when I've known that person intimately  for almost 6 months, then I get it more easily. 

I'm glad to understand a person like you more deeply. Glad to understand your struggles, your strengths, your insights, your past, your present, your possible future, and everything. Glad to see your own kindness, fear, anger, shame, and happiness. Glad to see you keep moving forward anyway.

I thought I'd change the most by getting inspired from observing some big famous person, but to understand someone in more ordinary situations doing extraordinary things in her own way, I can appreciate what's special in the ordinary.

Well, see you, San. 

[berceuse]

maybe it's technically progress that i'm having more feelings i can actually feel and identify, but it's really making me miserable most of the time.  i can still laugh, be sociable, have a good time, but when the distractions are over, i really don't like the way i feel, don't like the situation i'm in, and am having a more difficult time dealing with it all.

if this is progress, i'm really sorry that i'm making any, cuz it doesn't feel like it at all.  it feels worse than where i was a year ago, as far as me, personally.  maybe i've just been thru too much and it's taking its toll in this manner, and i'm not even aware.  or it's been so bad for so long that i don't even know anymore.

Hello San,

I actually %100 agree with your opinion here that it is a progress. It resonated a lot with me because I was writing about how I start to think "everything is going worse" once I moved out last summer. My explanation for this is that I start to dissociate less and feel more once I am away from my main triggers and because I was not yet very capable of regulating those emotions and calm myself down, my mind tried to explain the distress with a similar thought pattern. Now, back with my foo again, I think the reason was my incapability to regulate my emotions (mostly fear and anxiety at the time) because of trauma. Also, I think it certainly was a progress and it would go better if I decided to stay. Now, I actually miss and looking for feeling worse though I will probably not say that when I am in the middle of it.