ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

d.r., would like to thank you so much for what you said.

berceuse, i get it, thank you very much.

i'm so tired today, i can't respond much.

i noticed a shift that must've happened sometime during the night.  one more rung off my pedestal, so it's embarrassing as well as feeling calming.  the idea that i don't have all the answers, that i can appreciate the experience and wisdom of others, and be ok with that instead of beating myself up for 'not realizing' or 'not writing' something a certain way when i've responded to other posts.

it's another chip out of my arrogance defenses, so it's exhausting, at the same time i feel more at peace, like i don't have to be in competition here when answering posts.  glack! 

anyway, gotta just rest today, but wanted to write this down, forced myself to write this down so i wouldn't hide from it.

[Blueberry]

san, this "i've never felt so scared about this kind of thing, including not having a car (either of us) and my d wants to move to a small town that might not even have public transportation." caught my eye, me as a non-driver and non-car-owner.

Is there a reason you have to follow your d's wishes of a small town without public transportation? Might there be a different small town or maybe smaller city with public transportation? I mean with your physical issues and pain and so on coupled with getting older anyway - I wouldn't want to be stuck somewhere without transportation.  Just concerned. But maybe you both have your sound reasons for this. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i've been thinking about what you said, wanted to honor the care and concern behind it.  thank you for that.

the idea of having 'sound reasons' for doing something is rather a new concept for me.  all the major changes i've done in my life were pretty much without 'sound' reasons.  i had reasons, most of which consisted of desperation, adventure, curiosity, instinct, or a sense that it's what i need to do.

being without fear, except for lately, i just did what seemed like a good idea at the time.  one thing i had was faith that whatever came up (if i even thought that neg. about it) i'd deal with it.  it was definitely faith rather than hope.  hope wasn't part of my make-up, either, but it wasn't neg., it just wasn't part of me.  i guess faith took its place.

so, what i'm looking at now, this move with my d, is the first time i've actually been afraid, can feel the fear of what a tremendous undertaking it is.  today, i'm feeling a bit stronger, so i don't feel so afraid.  when i wrote that, i was letting a lot of stuff out that was building up because of all the stress i've experienced lately (i think). 

she's another who has been battling all her life - i suspect she has c-ptsd cuz of her childhood with the madness of our family dynamics - and she's worked hard to overcome a lot of what went before, including a mother who neglected her because of what else was going on in our house.  it has been a dream of hers to come out to this part of the country for 15 yrs., and she finally made it.

so far.  i moved up here less than a year ago, hoping to be with her, but i wasn't part of her plans at all.  i was running from what i'd gone thru in mexico and my crumbling marriage.  i had no fear when i basically showed up on her doorstep without notice, so to speak.  she helped me find a place to live, drove me to get i.d., took me to doc appts., sat with me thru my surgery.  she's been a rock for me.

circumstances being what they've become, including my health and stress levels, i need, for me personally, to be with her.  she will not put me in danger.  she's aware of my anxiety, all the doc stuff - she's been there with me thru as much of it as she's been able.  unfortunately she got sidetracked in her job for 8 mos. due to undiagnosed herniated discs in her neck, and eventual surgery. 

so, she's just building up her business again, but has to move this summer, and has consented to me moving with her.  originally i was going to move here this coming june - but my senses caused me not to wait.  i was able to help her, and she, me, and she has the potential resources for both of us (i'm on a fixed retirement - soc. security).  she's wanted a house, and that's what she's looking for, would love to be near the sea if it's possible, but because of our financial circumstances, she also knows that it might not be possible right now.

so, i trust that she's going to do whatever she can to take the next step to realizing her dream, and she'll bring me with her.  i'm very grateful for that.  but i also know that she won't endanger me in any way, and if she can't find precisely what she wants right now for whatever reason, she'll make do until it's time to take the next step.

my fears are my own, feel foreign to me, and i have difficulty managing them, which is why i write them out here.  2 yrs. ago, i'd never have posted that cuz i still wouldn't have had access to such an emotion.   i haven't lived with being afraid of anything i undertook, most of which other people tried to talk me out of.  it always ended up ok. 

feeling stronger, i have faith that it will end up ok again.  i don't know where i'm headed, don't know what it's going to mean for me, but i want more than anything to help my d achieve her dream.  i've achieved most of mine, and she's been extremely supportive of everything she knew of that i gave a shot to.  i want to do the same for her.

is that a sound reason?  probably not.  a lot of people don't think of instinct, dreams, gut feelings as sound, period.  yet, that's what my entire life has been based on, and i've had a helluva ride.  i know i'm not always handling things well, especially the physical pain and the new emotions, but it's part of my life now.   

ok, tired.  thinking this hard tires me out.  can't do others' journals today, but i know that they'll all be ok without me.  that was a big step off my pedestal.  thanks, blueberry, for caring. 

[Sceal]

You have a lot going on now.
A lot to think about, alot to prepare for. And uncertainty is scary, change is scary. And it's okay to have fears about it all. I hope though, that they wont swallow you whole. But if they do, you got us here to support you and try to help you through it.

You shouldn't feel obligated to respond to people's journal every time you are on here. Your own health and situation comes first. 
I am glad you took the night off from responding to others, and setting your own needs first. Good job!

[DecimalRocket]

I relate San. I rely on logic to make much of my decisions, but often in big decisions, there'll often be one so complicated I can't figure out anything at all. All I could do left is to follow my own gut about what to do.  Especially as I'm going through my own coming of age story. 

It's actually researched that following your own gut is actually a synthesis of unconscious information, so it's a lot more reliable than people think of it. Especially in areas where you have more experience— like how chess masters make most of their moves using gut feeling. The book  "Thought as System" had an entire philosophical set of arguments against using just thought to perceive and make decisions about the world.

I bet the future for both and many of us feels like one * of a ride, isn't it? I've ridden all kinds of amusement rides, and one wild roller coaster really did a number of me. It's strange, but there was a sense of calm during the rush at times while desparately holding on.

I hope I can be a bit of that calm, San.  to you.

[sanmagic7]

thank you darling sceal for the encouragement in taking care of myself.  i think i've been 'doing things', so many of them at once for so long that i don't realize what would be a normal amount to be taking care of in order not to be swallowed up by it.  astute observation, something i'm only beginning to see for myself.

hello, my name is san, and i'm a sugar addict.

had a big, long day yesterday, got ice cream after lunch, got sweets at the food pantry, ate it till i got a headache last nite, and the headache is still with me this morning.  i'm hoping i've hit bottom with this.  last nite and today it became very obvious to me how abusive sugar is to me, and how i don't stop once i start.  this is my third meeting this morning. 

thank you for being here.  i needed to share this.  it just shows me that i still have at least one abusive relationship i have to go nc with.  i slept badly last nite, woke up at 2:30, which i don't doubt is a direct hit from my body processing all that sugar.  just gotta let it go thru now, and stay vlc - i'll still allow myself peanut butter and apples.  that doesn't give me this feeling.

on the subject of the shift i mentioned that took place the other day, it's still sticking, and brought very good insight for me.  my being perfect for so much of my life included coming up with definitive answers/solutions to questions/problems.  it suddenly struck me the other nite that i've been doing that here, too.

a bunch of stuff came together for me, including what i once referred to as being a  'validation junkie' here, and how i would constantly work at it in my head to give a definitive response to peoples' posts.   for some reason, in the past week, as i was reading others' responses and seeing how much sense they made to the person posting (where my response did not have that same quality) it came to me that there are a lot of areas of struggle which i can't relate to in the same way.

this time, however, instead of re-trying and following the lead of others, i heard myself saying in my head, 'all right. they know better than me.  i don't need to try for this one anymore, don't have to make more effort here', and for the first time in forever, i was ok with that.  that was a gigantic shift for me, a big notch down off my pedestal, and very freeing.  it was a big slash at my arrogance, shrinking it even further.

this competition within myself to have the right answers, know it all, be correct is akin to my belief that i needed straight a's, perfection at school in order to make my dad proud.  still looking for his validation, even at this late date.  suddenly, tho, it went away.  i don't have to take care of it all, don't have to be 'right' all the time, don't have to be everyone's 'knight in shining armor'. 

wow, what a burden i've been carrying.  didn't even realize it.  no wonder my shoulders have been hunched over and sloped since i was a kid (my dad used to call me 'hunchy' and threaten to put a board up my back so i'd stand straight.  i've thought for a long time that, even that young, i was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and this revelation makes it more clear to me just what that meant.

being perfect has been a very heavy weight.  and, even tho i've talked about this before, somehow it hasn't really changed until now.  i've felt an obligation, an obsession, and an expectation to be everything to everyone for a very long time.  i've done that in relationships of all kinds as well, including with my girlfriends. 

i'm seeing that pressure now with my daughter, with what i wrote a few days ago.  didn't put it all together.  my fear, i believe, is that i would fail at this venture, fail as a mother, fail as her support, as if this all needed to be on me.  whew.    at least that was part of my fear.  there may still be other parts, but they don't seem as overwhelming now, as if i got my faith back.

so that's where i am today.  besides the headache, i feel pretty good in spirit.  i have for a couple of days, and that feels good for a change.  but, what a roller coaster.  of course, why wouldn't it be.  i've done more in the past 8 mos. than i would ever expect anyone to do and come out smiling like  a rose. 

i think my breaks will be more productive now, not as desperate feeling, not like i'm running and battling at the same time.  yeah, doing those 2 things together would be exhausting to my spirit.  i heard yesterday that to run from your fears is exhausting, which is why it's actually easier, in the end, to face them.  that made sense to me for where i am at this point in my life. 

so, time to eat a little something and take a nap.  i'm in good hands here, and so is everyone else, and it feels like a huge weight lifted off me to be able to say that.

d.r. i just read your response before i posted this, and you have been on my mind for days.  what you said about me, pointing out that i'm flawed in a very rational way, just saying it with no neg. judgment on it, and especially how you see me even thru those flaws, what they've brought to you, made such a huge impact on me.  i just had to let you know.

i've been a big proponent of following your gut for a long time.  our head can explain things away that we don't want to see, our heart can overshadow things we need to see, but our gut will never steer us wrong.  it's a visceral sense, and instinct that we use which is always in our best interest.

you are definitely a big part of my calm, sweetie.  thank you for bringing your own unique perspective to me and my life, and for letting me know truthfully what you think at all times.  for some reason, i got shy at reading what you said before and i wanted to write that in small letters like you have so often done. 

[DecimalRocket]

No problem, San. I guess expectations push much of us here, huh? I'm glad you can let go of some of the weight. 

Yes, sometimes what you said to me was something I didn't relate with, and won't apply to me. Especially in how we see matters of the head and the heart at times. But each time you did, I was sure you did care, and sure you did try your best. That was enough.

I'm a problem solver. I'd figure out the answers. . . though only if I'm supported enough to believe I can do so, and boy can I be wildly lacking in confidence. Well, we do what each of us can do best and we each play a role. I remember in a Harvard Business book about leadership, it's a myth for even great leaders to be able to do everything perfectly. They have weaknesses too, so other people stick around to make up for them.

Life can be a bit like business in how we have different weaknesses and strengths to succeed. And that's alright. We can still do loads more for ourselves and others. People often think one is entirely right and one is entirely wrong, but for much of my time trying to progress through life, there's a truth to both. I've found some of that partial truth in what you say too, San.

That's why I think people debating political issues can be strange. They argue over two sides so much they forgot they could think up a third option.

I'll keep sharing what partial truth I can to you too, San. I don't see logic as just something for science. It's something for wisdom too. That's why I stay truthful in what I say, as much as accuracy is needed in equations.  It's also a moral reason, yes, but mostly it's because I like things . . . accurate.

Yeah, small print makes it easier to say, doesn't it? Haha. I get shy when you say those things to me sometimes too.

[sanmagic7]

thans, d.r. for every thing.

the main problem with being humbled, which i also don't have a lot of experience with, is that it is very stressful to me.  i've lost a big part of my defenses with this, and, while it's freeing in one sense, it's also a great loss, and the stress is overwhleming right now.

my back, which has become my newest stress receptacle, is absolutely killing me.  i can barely move for the pain.  i'd like to spend the rest of the day in bed, which is anathema to me, but unfortunately, that position take s a huge toll on my back.  so, once again, i'm going to rest as best as i can.  gonna do a relaxation exercise/guided relaxation, and a little xanax.  i'm so distracted by the pain i'm having a hard time functioning.

so, once again on the merry-go-round of trying to make it thru the day.  god, give me strength.  i know the anticipation of moving is playing a big part in this as well as the doc bills that won't let up.  today, my spirit is suffering.  this up and down crapola - will it ever end?

[Elphanigh]

San, I wish I could read and properly respond to all of that. I really do, but self care and the need to not dissociate are telling me I can't catch up with all of the last two days at once.

I do want to remind you, that I am here with you. You have so much going on, and I am constantly amazed how well you are honestly doing with it. I know you will make it through this move, and maybe onto a place where you have slightly more peace in your life.

For now, remember that you can curl up in earth mother spirits skirts any time you need an extra dose of strength or comfort. She is always supportive and calm, ever present even if we can't physically be visualizing her flowing skirts.

Sending hugs and all my love 

[Three Roses]

So sorry you're in this funk, dear San! May voluminous, warm, loving folds of earth mother spirit surround you! Blessings to you, dear sister.   

[Sceal]

I relate so deeply to the need for having the right answers, or saying the right thing at the right time. I just had a talk with my SA-lady so this topic has been on my mind as well lately. (It's funny how such coincidences happen sometimes huh? )
I am thrilled that you have now been able to put aside that heavy burden on your shoulders, and that it is making you feel more free.
Perhaps also more wholehearted towards yourself and those around you? At least, that's what I hope it'll be when I get there too.

Just loads of warm thoughts your way. And hugs 

[DecimalRocket]

Hmm. . . This mother earth spirit thing is getting more trendy, huh? Let me show you the true art of the meme. 

Mother earth spirit + lasers from eyes to razor sharp focus on resting.
Mother earth spirit + fast healing ability like deadpool, except she can pass it over to someone else.
Mother earth spirit + healing combo 2000 points to the critics.
Mother earth spirit + swift skirt defense move for any incoming attack.
Mother earth spirit + fancy word I never heard of upgrade — voluminous skirt mode final boss.

[sanmagic7]

el, you are always with me, and 3roses, our shared sisterhood helps give me strength when i'm in the depths.  both of you sending earth mother spirit at just this time has embraced me the past few days, and done a wonderful job.  i feel so much better today.  can't explain it - it must be magic.

sceal, yes, i do believe wholehearted is a good term to use.  more grounded, certainly, not looking down on others in some of the ways i have.  seeing myself and others with a whole heart now, instead of with past, impossible expectations that could only rend heart pieces preventing it from being whole, especially in my direction.  it was my 'self' that was the most hidden, therefore i had no idea how many pieces it had been reduced to.  keep the faith, darling sceal - it can happen.

d.r., i'm afraid that here is where our generational gap really comes into play.  i would have never thought of 'memes' for earth mother spirit, nor the word or concept of 'trending'.  to me, it is the nurturing, protective spirit of mother earth for all her creatures from time immemorial.  my visual of her is of a rather large woman with curly flyaway hair, flowers in it (of course), a peasant blouse, shawl, and a grand full skirt to the ground, so full of volume that it can and does embrace, enfold, and hold whoever or whatever needs comfort and care. 

but, sweetie, i thank you for you up-to-date takes on her.  you broadened my mind once again.  i only ever imagined her simplistically.

today, it's felt like a lot of the pieces have fallen into place, click, click, click.  things will take care of themselves, whether i worry about or am afraid of them.  i will most likely go thru this again, but hopefully i can remember today.

i thought a little about what i've been thru since i got back to the states.  breakup of a 16-yr. marriage,  leaving behind my adopted country, having to ask people for financial help to make the move, traveling more than 1000 mi., first with strangers, then with ex hub no. 1 (who turned out to be a better ex than ever a hub), storage for my things, living with d and her roomies for 2 weeks while scrambling to find a place for me, doc, ophth., derm., e.r. visits, antibiotics, cancer diagnosis and surgery, follow ups for all of them - nearly 20 visits, exams, and procedures in 10 mos.  plus 7 therapy sessions that didn't really do anything beneficial for me. 

i'm probably missing some, so i'll go with nearly 30 health-related appts. with no car (yeah, had to leave my means of independence behind, too) which means scheduling rides with d or strangers.  not that i'm not grateful, cuz i truly am.  it just all added to the stress, and stress is my nemesis, puts me in physical pain and mental funks, takes my spirit and wrings it out like an old washcloth. 

no wonder.  and it doesn't count any of the emotional stuff around my hub and d which i become involved in.  nor the stressful situations where i live that flare up from time to time.  yes, i would like it if my d and i can find a place to settle into for a bit.  que sera, sera - what will be will be.

today i feel calmer about it all, tho, and for that i'm glad.  thank you all for sticking with me thru all this the past several months.  it is crazy-making, for sure.  it's a wonder i have any semblance of sanity left.

[Blueberry]

You have a lot going on now.
A lot to think about, alot to prepare for. And uncertainty is scary, change is scary. And it's okay to have fears about it all. I hope though, that they wont swallow you whole. But if they do, you got us here to support you and try to help you through it.

You shouldn't feel obligated to respond to people's journal every time you are on here. Your own health and situation comes first. 
I am glad you took the night off from responding to others, and setting your own needs first. Good job!

Especially this as far as I'm concerned.

[Blueberry]

is that a sound reason?  probably not.  a lot of people don't think of instinct, dreams, gut feelings as sound, period.  yet, that's what my entire life has been based on, and i've had a helluva ride. 

It sounds as if the two of you have your 'good reasons'. I'm sorry to have given you such a headache of reasoning all this out and explaining it. That wasn't my intention at all. More like saying that I'm concerned when I read xy and have you considered this other option, but probably you have and have your good reasons for going the way you're going and you certainly don't need to justify your decision to me!

But it seemed to all come out backwards, probably I didn't express myself well.

Here are   

Unlike you, I don't read all journals daily, so just read yours now for the first time again since I posted that. Sorry about that. But that's also how it is. I don't have the emotional energy for so many entries, not even for reading members' Journals which I want to. I hope you allow yourself a break from reading and responding when you need it too. (But no need to justify if you don't  )