ch. 3 70's survival

[Elphanigh]

I will make you that cup of tea, no caffeine I promise. I will be there tonight if you need me

[Blueberry]

San, I'm adding my best wishes for healing rather late. Sorry about that. I wish you a speedy recovery from pain and tension and that your T starts to help you the way you want, or that you at least start to feel more comfortable with her.                  if you need it.

[sanmagic7]

el, you little sweetie.  the tea was great, thank you very much. 

blueberry, thanks for the care and concern.  so very appreciated.  no need to apologize, either.  the wishes are still valid and valued.

i've been rather impatient with myself and this healing bit, i'm afraid.  it dawned on me this morning that it's only been a week since the surgery, and my expectations for myself have been rather rushed.   push, push, push - again, battling to get things going the way i want them to, in my timeline of expectations.

well, i have a small moon crater in the side of my head, and really, what do i expect?  that it's going to be all fine in a week?  dang, san, get hold of yourself, woman!  i've been pushing at myself to be ok with walking again, anxious cuz i'm not, like i'm shirking something important, just being lazy, whatever. 

the reality is that being on these pain meds makes me move more slowly, a bit unsteadily.  that's not a good combo for me to be walking outside with.  deep breath - i can wait till i'm done with the painkillers and feeling stronger.  yeah, it's a good thing for me to walk but to walk when i'm able, steady, ready.  expectations - those are old messages.

it felt good to realize this, sigh of relief.   what's the freakin' rush?  that's not where my energy belongs, and it only brings on more tension.  one of the important things for me is to relax, relax these back muscles that are wound so tightly because of this.  worrying about when/whether i should be walking will not help.

so, i will be one with my healing instead.  too bad i didn't think of this a week ago, but i guess i had other things on my mind.  i've thought of it now, and now it begins.  i'll be a regular on the porch for a while, rocking, flowers in my hair, smiling at all of you doing your thing.  exhale worry and pressure to perform. 

[Sceal]

Just wanted to send you a warming, healing hug tonight.

[DecimalRocket]

San, you've told me not to rush things. So I hope you remember not to rush things too.

Take care, San.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, that hug was lovely.  thanks a lot.

d.r., you're absolutely correct.  thanks for the reminder.

the last couple of days, i've taken a new and different tack with all this, more in a healing frame of mind.  i've put 'healing' at the top of my list, a short list, of things to do.  besides basic chores and everyday self-care, i'm thinking healing all the time.

my back and rib muscles have taken an extreme beating from all the tension i held in them in the weeks leading up to the surgery.  i've decided to keep up a dialogue with them about relaxing, releasing the tension, and healing - they are so sore, it hurts to cough/sneeze, or lean back the wrong way.

my little healing mantra also reaches the side of my head, and my mind/brain.  all these different parts of me deserve the time and caring, nurturing words of encouragement to heal, rather than impatience.  geez, how many times have i told others to be patient with themselves?  ok, san, it's time to turn that mirror onto yourself.

so, i'm feeling calmer, and just plain better today.  i did some stretches this morning, which i haven't done for ages.  altho it hurts to do them, i know they're also good for my body on some level.  so, i guess i have to keep learning this lesson over and over until i get it. 

i even thought about walking this morning, but it's pretty windy out, so i'll give that a pass.  i'm putting it into slots of importance, and it just isn't as important as the other things right now.  healing is top priority.  the rest will come when i'm ready.

wow, it seems like such a long time since i've felt like this, have been able to write like this.  it feels so much better, is that another glimmer of hope i see?  small steps, indeed, but all of them do count.  i'll get there (personal pep talk).  be patient and let the healing happen at its own pace.  very important - this helps my own sense of well-being, which will ultimately help the healing process.  it's all connected, isn't it.

[sanmagic7]

a major breakthrough tonite while watching the menendez bros. trial movie.  tears with a purpose.  i know i must be so very angry but i just can't access it right now.  very sad, but i got some of it out.  more tomorrow.  no wonder.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, 3roses - very comforting and soothing to me.  it warmed me.

i wrote so much last nite - realizations of where a lot of my crying comes from.  watching that movie, discovering what those brothers went thru, i completely related it to so many here who have gone thru similar atrocities.  i wasn't able to imagine it before (maybe on purpose), but seeing its portrayal hit me hard.  there was a reason i watched this - i, who usually stick to tennis and sitcoms.

i finally felt, was able to feel, the horror of what they went thru.  and i started crying for them, for all of you.  altho i didn't have that kind of overt trauma in my life, i realized that all this crying i've been doing also needed to be for me, what i've gone thru, what i've suffered as a result, what i lost.   i feel a connection with the people here that wasn't there before.

and i cried some more, great sobs of pain and heartbreak.  3 or 4 times i did this, but this time the crying had a focus, not like the seemingly purposeless tears that come so readily and so often, the ones i haven't been able to explain.   after i'd cried myself out, i realized these were tears of poison, toxic tears, that have been held in my body for so long.

i took a shower this morning and scrubbed, let it go down the drain.

other realizations came to me, especially how i've been robbed of a sense of self, and why i'm so afraid of being lonely, why i've always tried to have a backup man in my life to take care of me.  it felt like i've been stuck at 4 yrs. old emotionally, wending my way thru this world like a leaf on the wind, trying to make adult decisions from the emotional perspective of a 4-yr. old. 

the last time i remember feeling protected, i believe i was around 3, my dad rocking me to sleep.  i have 1 or 2 memories of that, and then it was no more.  so, i think i've been stuck somehow, a little child's trusting ways taking over my life, wide-eyed with curiosity and optimism, and wonder and love for everything and everyone.  that's really me in an adult body.

i feel like a fraud, because, as i dug further into this, i discovered that i really don't trust anyone.  that's why i'd begin trusting until they let me down, then i'd just take care of myself once more.  i was the only one i could trust to take care of me. that's what i've been looking for all my life, someone to take care of me.  every single person is unreliable in that area, even if not overtly abusive. that includes my hub and daughter.  can't count on them. 

being bereft of feelings and emotions, i rarely acted the way others around me did in response to words or actions.  i tolerated, understood, and was patient instead, all the time floating away from anything troublesome in my mind.  alc. and drugs and cigs helped.

that's why i have no clear sense of an inner critic.  didn't allow it, created reasonable reasons (to my mind) for everything i did or didn't do.  it's been difficult relating to much of what's been written here by others.  i just didn't feel anything like shame or self-hate.  it wasn't there.

i believe now it probably is, but has been so carefully and thoroughly defended that it's pretty much out of my reach, for the most part.  just felt a bit of body shame the other day in relation to someone's post.  that was new and distressing at the same time.  i can still feel it, and i don't like it.

i also got a bit angry last nite at being robbed of my sense of self thru emotional neglect and denial.  didn't get compassion, so didn't show any.  on my own, i took care of myself, and i expected everyone else to do the same.  i couldn't understand letting fear get in the way of anything.

so, my life was one big adventure.  i walked into many dangerous situations cuz i had no safety valve called fear to warn me.    i accomplished some wonderful things cuz i had no fear to hold me back.  i spoke up and rocked the boat cuz i had no fear of the consequences.  my belief was that whatever happened, i'd deal with it.

an emotional 4-yr. old.  that's underlying all these tears.  when i think of a 4-yr. old little girl, i see someone who doesn't have a lot of verbal skills yet for how she's feeling.  that must be where the alexithymia really took hold and stopped me in my emotional tracks.  any emotional outbursts, now that i think back. were when they literally exploded out of me.  they were few and far between, and i usually got hurt because of letting someone know how i really felt.  another reason not to express my true feelings, and bury them even deeper, out of reach.

a pressure cooker, holding everything internally.  no wonder my body is screaming daily.  it's so angry to have had to be the placeholder all my life.  hopefully, getting some of the poison out last nite will help.  focused tears, tears with a purpose are the only ones that can benefit me.  i'm feeling pretty hollow today.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
Your writing touched me - because I relate to what you're saying in it so much - and I'm glad that you cried and felt so many things last night - it sounds like it was a positive experience, and  to you - I know you're feeling 'hollow' right now, at least a little bit, and I hope that you know that people care about you and relate to you.  I certainly do!
I also relate to what you said about the 'trust' stuff - and trying to take care of yourself throughout your life - caring for that little 4 year old girl - I relate a lot to that.
You take care, SanMagic - wishing you some peace and nice experiences.  I hope that your head wound is healing well.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi San,

even if you felt hollow writing this, I hope that the tears proved to be cathartic and that they bring you a step further in healing. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi San,

I hope you're feeling better these days. Your post reminds me of a book called "The Upside of Your Dark Side," and while I just read excerpts and summaries online, it still provided some insight. It's a book about the benefits of negative emotions.

People who feel sadness are able to reflect more and be more compassionate towards themselves. People who feel anger are able to stand up for themselves more. People who feel fear are able to avoid danger that can hurt them. People who feel guilt are able to change their own actions better. Boredom allows people to find new opportunites and benefits in their life. And so on.

It's really healing — to be able to feel all these things. It's a shame society often limits the expression to these feelings.

But I guess it's never too late — to feel that is.

Take care, San. Take care.

[Sceal]

How are you doing today, San?

It must have been overwhelming to have so much emotions all at once, when you're so used to not being able to feel/recognize them. Though I am sure it is a sign of healing that you were able to work through the tears. And I hope that you got some relief afterwards, or that it's starting to be relieving for you.

Howcome do you feel that you are a fraud? What you describe is a fear of trust in others, because others have never truly been there for you in a way that you've needed them to be consistently. I don't see how that makes you a fraud. The fault doesn't lie with you, it's a result of years of mistreatment and abuse and lack of safe environments to grow in.

I want to send you a warm hug, both to the adult you, and to the 4 year old you. 
Hang in there, you're doing great.

[sanmagic7]

hope, blueberry, d.r., sceal - thank you all for your care and warmth.  i just love all of you, and am so grateful for such wonderful support.

i've been thinking of how to respond, how to explain this feeling that overcame me.  the 4-yr. old that i mentioned did not feel like an inner child thing - i have felt that, and it didn't feel at all the same.  instead, it's those 4-yr. old qualities, the naivete, the wonder, the enthusiasm - that kind of stuff -  that i've cultivated as part of my personality over the years. 

i trusted like a 4-yr. old does, even when it blew up in my face.  i would only get confused as to what happened, why i was treated the way i was, and carry on.   it wasn't a 4-yr. old that i carried with me - it was the qualities of optimism, loving, etc., that made me the type of person/personality i've been.  before she grows up and realizes the truth of the world.

i still retain most of those qualities, but the reality of the world is now known to me.  that's why i don't trust very easily anymore, or why i know that there is no one i can really rely on to the bitter end, whatever that might mean.  i know the truth of life and living now - i'm not so naive, not so carefree, and have to be much more careful. 

some of that is the result of my physical crapola going on, some of it is because of age, and a lot  of it is because of learning what i've learned the past 2 or so years.  it's all taken its toll on my spirit, chipped away at some of the best parts, and has left me shaken and afraid, something i don't have very much practice being.

the fraud part is that i always believed i trusted everyone, and i did, until they gave me reason not to.  i always acted the way i did, fearless, until just recently when i've discovered all kinds of fear.  maybe i just think of it as fraudulent because i have always been outside of my reality (mainly since i didn't know anything about it). 

re-reading what you said about the fraud part, sceal, brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.  thank you for saying that.  this really is all new territory for me, having emotions that i can recognize.  there are still too many that i don't have access to, but, again, it's exactly for the reason you said - the emotional denial as a baby/toddler interfered with the connecting parts of my brain, of that i'm convinced.  that's the basis for alexithymia.

and thank you, d.r. for your wisdom about the so-called neg. emotions.  my problem is not exactly a fear of them, or that i've numbed or buried them, per se, but that i haven't had access to them because of those faulty connections.  i haven't experienced the feeling of pos. emotions, either, most of my life.

i used to wonder why, when i was married to a man i believed loved me, had 2 daughters, a house, many friends, a great social life - why i didn't feel happy.  i cannot feel the feeling of happy, like i cannot feel the feeling of being loved, even tho i logically know i am loved by more than a few people.  i just can't feel it.

other feelings as well, i simply can't recognize within me, even tho they've been distressing and disturbing.  couldn't put a finger on what was going on to make me feel so bad inside, couldn't connect physical sensations with the emotions that caused them.  i'm convinced many, if not most, are still wreaking havoc with my muscles (fibromyalgia).

it's only been a little over a year that i've been able to connect a tightness in my chest with the feeling of fear.  i know that one now.  before, it just wasn't there, wasn't known, wasn't recognized, altho i did sometimes have a good survival sense, and knew when a situation might be truly dangerous (but rarely).  at those times i just knew what to do to keep myself safe, but i wasn't afraid - i just took the steps needed till i could get out.

i'm better with anger now than ever before, but i started out on a logical level with that one as well, and it's only been around maybe 10 yrs.  i'm not afraid of it, tho, and am really glad i can finally get it out, even tho it sometimes takes me  a few days to realize it still.

but the kind, warm, loving feelings i still can't connect with for the most part.  a few times in my life i've felt one or another, but never on a regular basis.  sometimes there have been breakthroughs here from all of you, and i believe it's because you've all continually showered me with them and it's been re-wiring my brain.  those times are unbelievable to feel.  like heaven must feel.

so, i struggle with all emotions, but it's getting better.  i think what my t has done with me as well, told me that i knew enough and it's time to rest, has helped.  i don't feel as frantic.  i'm more able to focus on relaxation and healing. 

ok, i think that's enough for today.  this has tired me out.  thank you all for your care and concern once again.  love all around.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
You conveyed the 4 year old girl in the way you explained - I didn't think of her as your inner child - but as part of your personality, and I think that's a lovely aspect - that you could hold onto those lovely qualities of a 4 year old - who is looking at life in an open and wondrous way.  It shines out in you San. 
Hope