ch. 3 70's survival

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there San!

It's unfortunate that your emotions have dulled. But it's also rewarding to hear that it's getting better. I surely haven't lived through it as many years as you — I'm probably the only teenager on this site — but I get what it's like to be unable to experience any form of happiness, especially love. And how rewarding it is to be able to experience them after a long time — even for just a little.

I hope you're able to feel these emotions more, San.

Take care.

[sanmagic7]

o, hope, i'm so glad.  when you mentioned taking care of that 4-yr. old, i thought you were thinking in terms of an inner child.  my mistake.  thank you for letting me know, and for seeing it in me.  it's something i do cherish.

thanks so much, d.r.  your warmth came shining thru, and i was able to feel that.  it felt really good.  little by little, we're gonna get there..

waiting to see the doc who's going to check out my head wound again.  it's coming along fine - i felt it itching this morning which has always been a sign that a wound is healing.  that perked me up a bit.

i was thinking last night about it, wondering how much collateral damage this cancer has caused me.  i mean, it's been growing for at least 10 yrs., and it occurred to me that my body's been fighting it all that time.  precious resources in my system had been re-routed to fight the invader, and how stressful to my system that must have been.

and, now, my body's working so hard to heal the wound.  wowser bowser - i've been on overdrive without even knowing it for so long.  it ticked me off to think about it.   again, how frickin' unfair, how incompetent those docs, and how much more unnecessary stress for my system.  just one more freakin' thing to be mad about.

but, yes, good to be mad, good to feel the anger, good to put it down here and help get it out of me.   a little time out there for some righteous bed-pounding, cussing away at the awful treatment i got.  aaargh!

this physical stuff is right in my face at the moment, but i came to a level of acceptance last night, something new.  very different feeling and perspective:  my life was what it was, is what it is, and i can accept that on one level now.  before that moment i felt like i was caught in a loop of rehashing the past (even here, saying a lot of the same things over and over).  it added to this new calmness i've been feeling.

i don't know if it will stick, but it feels better somehow.  like i said, i feel calmer.  less frantic.  more at ease.  i'm thinking my t and her approach to all this has something to do with it.  it's like all the research, learning, and work i've done about this on my own set the stage for how she's dealt with me.

it felt directionless to me before, but maybe it was the absolute correct time to slow it all down and just be (which is still kind of a foreign concept to me).  i'm still crying, but less.  maybe i need to cry more - this thought occurred to me last night, too, but just fleeting.  maybe i need to let those tears out instead of stifling them, and let myself over to whatever form they actually want to take.  something to try next time.

****  tw   *****  emotional denial/abuse

thinking about it, i've stifled those tears a lot, mainly cuz i'm embarrassed by them, even when i'm by myself.  don't know why that should be.  i think i need to let them run their natural course next time, see what happens.  old messages about crying include 'crying won't solve anything' 'stop crying, or i'll give you something to cry about' 'i can't even talk to you without you turning on the waterworks'.   all from my dad.

****  end tw  ****

ok, the lightbulb is going on.  let my body expel those tears in all their toxic glory, and get the poison out.  new concept here.  more healing i think.  o, that would be so good for me, my muscles, my entire system.  let it flow unrestrained.  what a novel idea. 

progress comes in many shapes and forms, doesn't it.  moving forward . . .

[sanmagic7]

i lost my entire post.  can't do it over tonite. 

but i must.  at least part.  i let more tears come tonite, searching for their meaning.  i'd heard the words 'you were the one person i thought would never hurt me', and i began tearing up.  instead of stifling, i let the tears flow.  also, as i was writing before, more came.  tears with a purpose, but i think there are more to come.

with all the major men in my life, 7 have broken my heart, starting with my dad.  he was the first.  n was my first real boyfriend.  he broke my heart when he dumped me for not 'putting out'.  h was my first real love.  he dumped me after 4 yrs. and wedding plans for a girl who was catholic (like him). 

o, my first husband,  dumped me when i was 7 mos. pregnant because he said he didn't want to be married anymore.
u, my ex narc hub, pushed me out after 20 yrs. thru his behaviors, deceptions, and everything else.  d, my present hub, broke my trust to the point that i couldn't stay after making a horrible decision without talking to me first.  my chest is so tight right now.

finally, n, a long-lost friend of 50 yrs. turned out to be someone completely different than the boy i loved in college.  i couldn't put up with his assumptions, judgments, and criticisms.  he's actually the first of all these men that i was able to acknowledge, a little bit consciously, that he broke my heart.

but, tonite, the realization came to me that all these men i loved, all these men i'd trusted my heart to, broke it.  in all my life, till tonite, i've never shed a tear for any of these break-ups.  never consciously felt the heartbreak.  never knew it's what happened to me.  instead, after each one, i simply held my head up and went on with the business of my life.

the only heartbreak i've ever been able to feel before tonite was the one from my narc daughter.  i've cried over her, knew my heart had been broken, was aware of what had happened.  but, not with any of these men, not a tear have i shed for any of those relationships, for any of those break-ups.  i wasn't aware, didn't feel them for what they were, so i never cried about a single one. 

no wonder my body is in so much pain.  all those tears turned to poison cuz they were never expressed.  they simply dwelt in my body, my muscles.  i've cried toxic tears twice tonite, getting at least some of the poison out.  there may be more, and i'll be on the watch for them.  finally i feel i'm crying tears with a purpose.

wow.  chipping away again at my spirit.  that's what this feels like.  i don't know what to do from here, how to go on.  i'm adrift, but not floaty.  very grounded in a sea of tears.  i feel so very heavy, like my feet are pushing into the earth.  never felt like this before, either.  i don't know what it is or what it means.

[Hope66]

Hi San,
You have really got in touch with so much emotion -  to you and I can imagine that must be tiring, draining, but the fact you mentioned being 'grounded in a sea of tears' and not floating off  or feeling floaty - it is maybe that you've really 'sat with' that emotion, rather than dissociated or separated yourself from the feeling.  I hope you don't mind my commenting on that, but it looks like a very powerful time that you had - and you touched many things - processing your emotion and your relationships to your past loves and relationships.

and hope that today is a day you can do whatever feels right to you to do.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there, San. 

Sometimes I find the most powerful insights come when we look at our entire lives as a whole rather than the small details of everyday life. The problem can seem small to us and hard to understand when we see it in worm's eye view, but if you look from above, that can lead to all the pieces coming together.

Good luck, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope.  i do believe your comments were just right (and i appreciate anything you have to say).  i did sit with them for a bit, just letting them be, but then i just couldn't anymore, turned to some food, couldn't sleep for all the turmoil.   i know that we resort to old behaviors when we grieve, so happily i didn't get down on myself for eating.  i felt really hungry for some reason - lots of energy expended, i'm guessing. 

d.r., thank you for your worldview perspective.  this is just coming to me in a way it hasn't before.  i used to go looking for it, but like i said, i feel now like i'm more of a magnet - the pieces are coming to me instead of me going after them, searching and researching for answers.  the answers are now seeking me out - i think i'm beginning to be more open to what's showing itself, instead of batting it away in my mind like an annoying fly.  very different approach for me.

i was right about more tears to come.  they came this morning, and again i let them.  they were more specific, focusing on my hub and what happened.  i'm guessing i'll have to go thru each one separately.  some will be less intense, some more, but it's finally grieving what i've barely given a thought to before.

i only had logic to fall back on in my life, so this emotional stuff feels like my brain is actually re-wiring, fixing itself, healing.   that's a good thing, but it leaves me floundering in these deep waters a bit.  can't see any land right now, can only hope that it will be there before i drown.  i do know in my heart that everyone here will help me navigate these waters.  i have faith in that, and you've all convinced me that i'm not alone with this. 

thank you, and love all around.  that's what i feel from you, whether you say it or not.  actions speak louder than words, and the help and insight, caring and concern i've gotten from all of you reeks of love.  i know it's what's helping me heal.  what a beautiful bunch of people here.

[Sceal]

 

[DecimalRocket]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you sceal and d.r.   i could feel the warmth of those hugs and they brought a smile to my heart.

onward with grieving my heartbreaks.  today i got triggered while watching tennis.  a player hugged her dad who was in the stands.  i teared up, nearly stifled, then reminded myself this was an opportunity, and i let the sobs come while trying to figure out what was behind them.

my dad never told me he was proud of me.  i worked so hard to do what he wanted, to do well at what he wanted, and i never got even a pat on the back.  in fact, as good as i became at my studies, he'd tell me it wasn't good enough.  when i finally got straight a's, not a peep at all.  i was crushed.  i was heartbroken.

even when he was in the hospital and my sister and i flew across the country to be with him, paint the house cuz he was too sick, etc., his words to us were 'i expected that you'd be here.  the real accomplishment has been that your mom has come to visit me every day'.  i was crushed, heartbroken again. 

i didn't realize this at the time cuz i didn't feel these things, but i remember it, so i know it made a slash in my heart.   after he died, i would still go thru accomplishments over the years, wondering if he'd have been proud of this or that, or even telling myself he was looking down on me with pride.  somehow, tho, it really never eased the pain.

going even further back, to when i was 13 or so, and came to him and my mom, sobbing, in such distress because i was feeling so alone (i'd never been more miserable, before or since), and he verbally backhanded me, stopped me in my tracks, and dismissed me so fast it made my head spin.  that's when i knew i'd never ever be able to rely on him for anything, that he did the opposite of take care of me .  he broke my heart yet again.

this man, who i idolized, who all i wanted was some sort of recognition that i was doing good, broke my heart over and over and over again, so many times that as i'm writing this i may have lost count.  but, never telling me he was proud of me was the worst, and never telling me what a beautiful daughter he had was second in line.  withholding  expressions of love, kindness, and acceptance comes in third.

so, grieving mode today.  this may take a while.  he was the source of all i looked for in the men who followed. 

[EliseB]

Thank you for sharing, San. I know these feelings all too well oh, and you put them beautifully. For me the realization came very early, I think it was around 4 years old, when I knew my parents could not and would not ever give me what I really needed from them. Sometimes when I cry I remember things that I didn't realize I was still carrying inside all this time. As I weep I feel sure that this is the only way- the only way to move forward is through the tears. The grieving is so hard, but at least it's real. In the end I would rather be this person who cries and feels things deeply and understands other people's pain, then to be like them. Hope you're taking good care of yourself in the grief. I'm not sure why I'm crying so much lately too, whether it's the season or maybe it's just time. I think I'll try to go do some yoga and make something warm to eat. Thanks again for sharing

[sanmagic7]

elise, thank you.  i'm glad to be able to shed tears that finally have meaning for me, instead of randomly weeping all the time and not being able to connect them to anything.  yes, i believe it is time.  making these connections between my tears and what happened in my past give them purpose.  therefore, i'm finally feeling some relief and release.

i'm taking care of myself as best i can.  it's a bit rough to finally realize where all these tears have been coming from, but i agree with you that the only way out is through.  onward . . .

and  back to you.

[Elphanigh]

My dear San, this is a lot of deep insight and emotion. I am proud of you for going into this and shedding tears for the heartbreak you have been through. I agree that the only way through is onward, but I know how hard that can be. I wish I had more wise words, but I think you are doing exactly what you need to be my dear. So instead of wise words, I have a hug full of warmth, comfort, and encouragement. It is always there and available to you. The earth mother spirit that is somewhere in me loves to reach out and comfort those she cares for, so I am sitting with you for anything you need right now. 

[sanmagic7]

bless you, el.  i can feel the warmth, and it's great.  thank you.  caring hugs have their own wisdom.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, I find it interesting that you call these tears as "meaningful". Let me tell you about that.

I remember reading a book called Sapiens : A Brief History of Humankind. On one of the last chapters, it asked that when we look at history, are we as a species actually becoming happier? And here it explained a new definition of what it meant to be happy.

There were people who conducted a study and asked people to rate how happy their day was and to compare how many positve emotions they felt that day. The result was — positive emotions weren't the greatest factor in what made them think their day was happy. It was meaning. It was what they think made life worth living. It was what they were driven to think, feel and do in life.

It was like loving parents — who had to deal with changing poopy diapers, dealing with sleepless nights over the baby crying and dealing with tantrums. It was stressful — but those parents talked about how much they were happy about the choice to have kids despite it being so stressful.

In another example, a person watching TV mindlessly might be happier than those parents — but it wouldn't be meaningful. Many people wouldn't see a life with a normal job and going back home watching TV as a "happy" life.

Maybe you are getting more stressed as you get older. Maybe you have more negative emotions. But maybe you're improving in what matters most in happiness — and that's finding more meaning.

to you, San.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r. and  back to you.  interesting.  since i've rarely (like maybe twice) have i ever felt the feeling of happiness, i don't know how to relate to this.  to this day, if i could do it over, i wouldn't have had my daughters.  for one, it would have spared them a great deal of pain, something i wish never happened.  for another, i felt taking care of them was a chore - i didn't feel happy about it, didn't really enjoy them.  i don't like babies or little kids, didn't like mine until they were around 7 and had some logic and thinking capabilities of their own.

i think i was very depressed.  there was no room for happiness.

if i look at my life, as a whole, i can say i had a great life - i traveled, accomplished many of my dreams, loved, had lots of adventures, created, laughed a lot, lived in a foreign country, learned another language and culture, and had a lot of friends most of the time.  but i could never call it a happy life.  i battled my way through, battled to be myself, every step of the way, and the last 20 yrs. or so, have also been battling to be well. 

i don't mean to be a downer about this, but i just don't see happy pertaining to me.  i've been glad i did certain things, i've been excited about stuff, i've enjoyed activities and people, i've been optimistic most all the time, and i could feel good about helping people.  i was a half-full gal, always looking for a bright side or silver lining.   but, the constant battling  kept the happy at bay.

i don't know what it would have been like to be happy, and i can't imagine having a happy life.   i've never thought of it before this moment, but maybe i'm working so hard in order to finally feel happy.  strange concept,tho.  don't have a clue what that would look or feel like.

for me, the stress has been an accumulation of not being emotionally present, not knowing how i was feeling, (except confused), not knowing what i didn't know.  as i've discovered the basics of narc abuse, misogyny, and alexithymia, what it all meant, having to cut my daughter out of my life because of what she had done to me for over 30 yrs., and i kept taking it in, taking all the abuse in from husbands, therapists, people who harmed me, broke me down till i was on my knees more than once, and somehow finding the strength to get back up one more time, and the physical toll it's taken on my body till i can barely move without wincing anymore -----

and now i'm discovering how all these pieces fit together, how the stress of acceptance and tolerance has literally stopped me in my tracks many times - i had 4 breakdowns in 5 years, one of which sent me to bed for 6 mos. -  and how my body has kept all the pain and anger that i couldn't express because i didn't know it was there, didn't consciously feel it, has held it inside until it is now screaming in pain and anger, and i ask for the strength to make it thru one more day because of my daughter.  for myself, it would be a blessed relief not to deal with this anymore, not to continue battling.

at times i believed i was too tired to carry on, and i've written about that here.  i'm finding more emotions lately, and i'm glad of that cuz it's allowing me to get some of the poison out of my body that has so patiently held onto it for me until it, too, is breaking down.  and i keep battling so i can be, for what it's worth, the best mom possible for my younger d, who has hung onto me and would not let me go, even when i was floundering.  i owe it to her now to not let go. 

and i found another heartbreak last night.  the triggering sentence was 'that was the hardest thing i ever had to do', pertaining to a call made by a woman to the man she loved.  the sobs came, and i couldn't figure it out for a bit, but kept myself crying as long as possible.  it was related to another man whom i'd forgotten about, but his was the love that sustained me thru 30 yrs. of madness, the memory of what we'd had for 2 1/2 yrs., and my dream to live with him in that small town in mexico. 

before i left there, i was able to talk to him for about 20 min., and asked him a question i'd been wondering about all those years - the hardest thing i'd ever done.  that was the trigger.  and he denied me, denied what we'd had, made it out to be just another fling when i know in my heart (because of things that had happened between us thru the years) that it had been much more than that.

he denied it all to my face, except for one tiny throwaway remark that i didn't pursue.  there was no point anymore.  i had to leave anyway, and i didn't have the emotions at the fore to challenge him.  it seemed pointless.  but, he broke my heart.  he was my safe haven, intertwined with mexico, the only place i'd ever felt safe (which is why i ran there) and it's taken me 6 mos. of being here that i finally felt the pain, the heartbreak, of having to leave my mexico behind, leave him go once and for all.

my hub got intertwined in there as well because he was the catalyst that caused me to leave, and for a few moments i hated him for that.  but i've been able, finally, to acknowledge the heartbreak of having to leave all of it behind.  i don't believe i'll ever return.  too painful now.  that chapter of my life is over.  besides, i was dying there from lack of proper medical care.

so, full grieving mode again, only this time it ransacked my sleep.  i am grief-stricken.  i call these tears meaningful because there is finally a focus to them, something i can pinpoint as to why they're there and what they belong to.  all this random weeping i've done, all the crying i've stifled, i didn't really know what those tears pertained to.  i made stuff up to explain them away, but they seemed purposeless.

now that i'm not stifling, now that i'm letting them out full bore, now they have meaning.  i know they are full of the poison of unexpressed emotions - so much sadness i've carried around without ever giving vent to it - and i'm finally letting them out instead of battling to keep them from showing themselves.  i was told this would be hard work - i just didn't expect all the pain, cuz i didn't realize how much i'd carried with me instead of letting it out as things happened. 

i'm tired.