ch. 3 70's survival

[Sceal]

Dear San,

No wonder at all that you are tired. You've fought for so long, despite all your travels and other accomplishments. A part of you have always had to fight to keep your head above water. It's understandable that you don't know what happy looks like. I think it is different from person to person. For the happiness portraied in movies and on family photos, or party pictures and what not, isn't my kind of happy. Maybe your kind of happy is something else than what is usually portraied in the various medias? I hope you will find it one day, and I think that allowing yourself to grieve from the things that you've been through, the situations and people you had to move away from is a step closer to finding your happy heart.

I think I'll be lighting a candle for you tonight.

[sanmagic7]

you dear sweetheart, sceal.  thank you for all your support and validation.  i can't tell you how much it means to me.  i'll be thinking of you and your candle tonite.

i don't know what my happy would feel or look like.  it would probably entail being able to stop battling, whether it's this emotional stuff or the physical.  both seem very far away.  i think, and i don't mean this as anything negative, but as a reality situation, i think i may finally be happy when i'm dead.

i know it sounds morbid and neg., but i don't mean it to be.  it's something i kind of look forward to, altho i no longer feel like seeking it out.  i don't have depression like i used to, when i did think of suicide,  no, it's something far more ethereal than that. 

living is just continuing to put one foot in front of the other, making it from one day to the next, staying as alive and sane as possible.  i know this sounds like a downer, but it's my reality for now.  all the pain. both physical and emotional, just gets wearing.   

maybe this isn't a good thing to be writing here.  i don't know anymore.  well, i'm in the middle of mourning, and that's a pretty dark place all by itself.  still, i can feel gratitude for this forum, for all of you.  you help me get thru this.  and i will.  it will just take a bit of time.

i thought of calling my t, but i don't know what she could do.  mourning is just a piece of time to be gotten thru. 

i remember a boyfriend my daughter had who dumped her.  it was devastating to her.  she was on the phone with me and all her friends every day for several weeks, just crying and carrying on in her sorrow.  i even had to tell her i needed a break of a couple of days - it got to be too much for me.

i can now see how being able to express the feelings she had when he broke her heart, altho nearly catastrophic, gave her the ability to get it all out, and eventually be able to move on.  it was pretty intense for a while, but i can see the benefit of it now.  i wish i'd had that capability.

so, it's taken me 6 mos. to be able to cry about having to leave my beloved mexico, my safe place for so long, the town where my heart resided even after i'd left and gone back to the states, resuming my day to day life.   it took 30 years to be reunited with my heart, and now i had to leave it behind again, never to see it again.

i know, never say never.  at the moment, i can't even imagine going back, even for a visit.  it would be too hard on me on so many levels.  so, i'm saying good-bye.  that was the one place that when i talked about it, my eyes sparkled.  it had such a profound effect on me, and now i'm shedding tears of deep sadness, too deep to fathom. 

i hate that i had to leave that town, those people.  they were very warm and welcoming to me, even tho they weren't very open to strangers, especially americans.  too many were truly of the 'ugly' variety, and i couldn't stand them.  i stayed away from them as much as possible. 

but i loved the mexican people.  i learned about the culture of poverty, which wasn't pretty.  i lived with grit, roaches, mice, and ants - it's just how it was there.  our house was built of mexican bricks and mortar, which left plenty of holes for critters and drafts to get thru.  still, it was part of the entire experience.

so, i'm in the midst of clean now, and it was quite an adjustment to make.  i can communicate a bit better with the docs, but they often don't understand what i'm talking about anyway.  they have no idea of my history, how sensitive i've become to pain, or how much i've endured to get me to where i am.

anyway, i guess i've rambled enough.  god, give me the strength to get thru this day.  thank you.

[Three Roses]

maybe this isn't a good thing to be writing here

It is absolutely okay for you to spill your guts here. After all the support you give everyone else, it's nice to have the chance to support you back!

This is bound to be a time of grief and adjustment for you, dear San. You left a sanctuary that you'd fled to, and it may help to remember why you left. You need better care and a cleaner, more peaceful environment in order to patch yourself up.

It's got to be a huge adjustment tho! Man, I don't know how I'd feel leaving not only a home but a whole culture. You sure are brave!

Do me a favor and wrap your arms around yourself, and know that hug is from me. I'll have a cup of chai tea and think of you. 

[sanmagic7]

 my dearest 3roses, you brought tears to my eyes.  thank you so much for saying it's ok for me to talk about the darkest crap within.  they were good tears, tho, brought on by your caring.  they have a huge smile attached.

feeling better today.  i just have to go thru this crapola, but i do come out the other side.  i slept well, thought of your candle, sceal, and it was soothing to me.  went to the porch in my mind, and everyone was there, wrapped a blanket around me on my rocker, and was just there with you all.  truly a healing porch.

i know there will be more of these coming, but i've decided not to push them out.  rather, i'll wait for the trigger and figure out what it means from there.  this way i can give my body and mind some rest in between.  i always talk about going slow, and i need to do that for myself as well.

well, 3roses, i wrapped myself up, and the sobs came, from my gut.  it turned into another trigger  please, don't take this is a bad way.  all of this is most needed if i'm to have any semblance to health (emot. and phys.) and well-being.   it was for my mother this time, who never hugged me when i was in distress.

in fact, there are 2 incidents i remember.  one, when i was 5 and was sent home from kindergarten because i'd forgotten my lunch money.  the back door was locked, i pounded and pounded with my little fist, no answer for what seemed an eternity, and i was so scared that i'd be out there alone forever.

my mother finally came to the door, saw me, said 'i didn't hear you cuz i was vacuuming' and proceeded to ask what was wrong.  but i don't remember being swept into her arms, soothed or comforted. 

the other incident i've written about before.  i was in such distress, sobbing in front of my parents.  she did nothing to comfort me, just stood there watching her daughter sobbing in pain.  so, this needed to come out even tho i thought i'd dealt with it a million times over.  what i hadn't done was felt and acknowledged and expressed the pain of not being wrapped in her arms, not being taken care of when in such dire distress.

so, thank you 3roses, for that hug.  it opened up a doorway that i'd shut since i was 13.   telling me to do it physically made the difference.  actually doing it opened that door.  i didn't realize she'd broken my heart as well. 

o my poor sweet heart.   still the tears are coming - there must've been 4 waves of sobbing already.  i had no idea this would happen.  i'm grateful for it, tho, as painful and disturbing as it is.  it's also necessary.  i know that.  but, at least these tears now have a purpose, have a focus, that all the weeping in the past didn't have.  these are cleansing.

these are finally the tears that help make me feel better.  these are what, for me, are 'a good cry'.  i am so blessed to have you people in my life.  yes, i just hugged myself again, imagined it was you, 3roses, hugging me, and no tears.  just a smile of warmth and love.  you knew exactly what  i needed.  thank you.

[Sceal]

I lighted a candle for you tonight too, San. It's been burning for hours (but I'm off to bed very shortly now, so I had to blow it out). It's a vanilla scented one, not strongly scented, but just so you can smell it.

Being rejected when you're at your most vulnerable by the people who are supposed to care for you and love you is an incredible hard and heartbreaking thing to endure. I know the feeling of it, the shattering feeling. How it slowly burns down the bridge of trust in others.  I am glad to hear that you did give yourself the hug 3Roses gave you and that it had an effect more strongly by doing it physically. My T has been telling me for months I need to start pat myself on the shoulder at the end of the day. Your affirmation that a self-hug actually works, maybe it'll work as a shoulder pat too for getting through the day and having done something each day. Even if the only thing was to get out of bed and to the sofa.

I also want to second 3Roses before I go, that it is more than okay for you to spill your guts. I am so grateful for all of your kind, compassionate words that you give me so often after hard days and constantly spilling the beans. I would love to be able to offer you the same kind of compassion and a shoulder to cry on(although digital) when you need it and want it. 

[Blueberry]

san, here's  with some strength in it.

I think it's great that you're writing all that poison out of your system! Why wouldn't your own Journal be a good place for that? You show so much compassion for others on here, here's some compassion back /throws a sackful across the Atlantic /

[hopeful10]

San,

Thank you for encouraging me in my journal.

I'm so sorry about the difficulties you've been facing recently, and for what's happened to you in the past.

I'll be thinking of you and sending support your way.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, those candles have been invaluable.  i can't thank you enough.  i thought about them before i went to sleep, and all the thoughtfulness and care that went into that gesture touched and soothed me.  you are a lovely friend to do that.

blueberry, i pictured that sackful winging its way across the sea, and a true smile came to my face - made me chuckle a bit and warmed my heart.  thank you so much.  it helped, too.  last night, i nearly went into another heartbreak, unrelated to what i've been going thru lately, and had the strength to say 'no, not tonite.  this needs to come later'.  and, it dissipated.  i needed a breather from the emotional overload these 'sessions' bring.  your sackful hit home.

hopeful, thanks so much for your support.  very kind of you.  that's what's really helping me heal is all the kindness i've been shown here.  that's been the biggest void in my life, i believe, but it's getting filled here from all you beautiful people.

today, i'm just taking it easy, breathing, did some stretches and appt. calls.  all has been well.  hugs and love all around.

[sanmagic7]

****tw*****

last nite, a new torrent of tears, hard sobs, wrenching my body, i couldn't even sit still.  was watching a movie and in a relationship the man showed an incredible act of tenderness toward the woman.  he saw a scar on her back, asked her about it, she said it was a battle scar (something like that) and he leaned over and kissed it.  it brought tears to her eyes and i could so relate.  that small gesture of tenderness was overwhelmingly huge.

it took me back to my first love.  never tender toward me in 4 yrs.  not a drop of tenderness, not once touched my face or even looked at me tenderly.  we lost our virginity to each other after 3 yrs., and it was horrible.  what should have been a very tender situation turned into one of panic on his part that i would get pregnant (and he'd have to quit college), so before i even knew what was happening, he was barking at me to go the the bathroom and wash myself, as if that would prevent anything untoward from happening.

as usual, i was confused, did what he'd told me to do (this was at his frat party, so i had to unceremoniously wrap my dress around me and go down the hall, hoping no one else was awake - very embarrassing), and that was my experience with the boy i loved and planned to marry.  it should have been so different.  i later learned he was also already seeing someone else.  that explains the panic.

still, all the while we were going out we would 'play' fight, him slapping me in the face over and over as i cringed down into the front of the car, he would leave me alone at his parents' house if the other guys came over to play ball, and, even later, while we were both married to someone else, he still wanted to have sex with me.

he was another one who wouldn't admit how he felt about me, would never give me a compliment ('if i don't like it i'll say something' was his reply when i asked one night if i looked pretty. and another who never apologized to me for anything he'd done.

i know this sounds trivial, but it's part of the reason, i believe, that i've been weeping without a concrete reason so much over the years.  it was heartbreaking to me that this boy who i wanted to spend my life with treated me so badly all the time.  just under the radar of actual domestic violence, but emotional abuse to be sure.  i just tolerated it at the time, so happy to spend a few hours with him no matter what.

like i told him at the end, i thought i could love him enough for the both of us.  it should have been wonderful, and instead it was one crummy thing after another.  when i complained to my best friend years later (she ran with the same group as me in high school, and knew him well, knew us as a couple well) she explained it away as 'he was just a guy's guy'.  she refused to see it as abusive.

then my sadness and feelings of loss turned to terrible anger, and i pounded and cursed.  my dad swept into my field of vision, as did my other hubs about the whole tenderness thing.   there was only one man i can remember who was truly tender toward me, treated me like no one else, made me feel beautiful.  made me feel it heart to heart.  i'm forever grateful to him for that. 

but the rest of them, no.  over and over, it was really quite a pattern.  they seemed like nice guys at first, but once we got going, the whole thing never quite came together.  tenderless-ness was the overriding theme of all these relationships.  i didn't realize before last nite how much i'd looked for it, wanted it, needed it, nor how much i'd missed it and was grieving for what wasn't. 

too much pain.  even my crater was hurting last nite, as well as my muscles over nearly my entire back and sides.  i keep asking for strength to go on, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  then i found out from my daughter who'd invited me for thanksgiving, that her roomies don't like turkey, so we're not even having a traditional thanksgiving - my first one in the states for 16 yrs.  i'd even found a thanksgiving buffet in mexico that my hub took me to every year. 

this moment i'm allowing myself to feel disappointed.  actually, the whole thing with my daughter is rather disappointing
at times.  i am not her no. 1 concern when it comes to things like this.  she wouldn't have included me in her thanksgiving celebration if it hadn't been ok with her roomies.  tears coming now as i express this consciously for the first time.  i've been understanding and tolerant of this 'permission' that it's ok for her mother to come over, but it hurts.  another heartbreak i'm just admitting.

i've gotta stop.  i feel like an afterthought, an 'ok' with conditions.  i say i understand, but i don't really.  i don't understand.

[Elphanigh]

Oh my dear, lots of warmth, reassuring hugs, and love to you. I have not been able to read for a few days, as I was adapting to my own aches. There is a lot to say, and I am trying to find the best words. 

With risk of making you cry again, I just wanted to tell you I understand those feelings that come from your mom not comforting you. It can leave a wound that is pretty big, I won't go into how I know here, but I understand. I am hopeful all the compassion you find here is helping fill that hole a bit. You deserved all the warmth and comfort in the world then, and you still do now. 

As far as the heart ache from some early love of yours, I am sorry they treated you so poorly. Again, I understand that experience and am glad you are finding time to release those feelings after all these years. Getting the poison out is so important, although the process is painful. I am proud of you for facing all of this, San. It takes real strength and guts to do so.

More hugs filled with warmth and understanding for you. Know I am always here with a cup of tea, hugs, or kind words even if I am not present in this journal. :big hug:

[sanmagic7]

el, i know you are with me, and i so appreciate it.  thank you.  i'm just so very tired. 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you know I am with you. Take the much needed time to rest, and care for yourself. You deserve it. 

[sanmagic7]

feeling a bit better today, a bit more settled.  dang, i hate this roller coaster ride.  it is not fun, not thrilling, not exciting except when there is a breakthrough.

i think i let some of yesterday go.  maybe it's that i'm more resigned to, maybe that i'm more accepting  of the reality i find myself in.  it's only been a bit over 6 mos. since i moved here - could be that expectations were running rampant, and they were selfishly my own. 

my d already has a relationship with the 2 guys she lives with - one is an ex-boyfriend, actually.  she totally depends on him for most of her emotional support on a day-to-day basis, and i think they've made a solid wall around themselves that doesn't really allow anyone else anything but a fringe  relationship with them.  i wanted to be accepted more as part of their 'family', but i don't think that's going to happen.

so be it, i guess.  it hurts, tho, i won't lie.  i believe my d would go thru * for me, but i do believe if she had to choose, he would come first.  that stings.  i did raise her to be an independent woman, tho, and that she is.  so, making these kinds of decisions would probably come under the independence umbrella.

whatever.  i don't know.  basically, this is coming from a place of fear.  i'm growing older, i'm sick, can't do and be the way i used to, don't have my own transportation, and the woman who owns this house is my age and still works very hard.  i can't help but wonder what would happen to me if she keels over.  i work at keeping that at the back of my mind, but it niggles every so often.

so, that's it.  i'm afraid now that i'll eventually end up on the street, alone and broke.  i don't think my d would actually allow that to happen, but she's also got her own problems.  she didn't expect to have to have any responsibility for an old, ailing mother at this point in her life.  she had her own dream moving out here, and it has yet to be realized.

so, random ucky thoughts on growing old.  sucks.  and i don't like feeling afraid.

[Sceal]

I hear you. The roller-coaster ride is no fun! First of all, you never really reach the top, and the plummeting down is not even the least bit entertaining on a real roller-coaster. It's just dreadful.

Getting settled into a place with a bunch of strangers (from what I've read, I presume they weren't friends from before), getting time to grieve for the loss of Mexico, and having the surgery. It's enough stressors for anyone! You've done alot these past 6 months, and I bet even before that too.

Children doesn't always choose their parents first, especially not after they're way past into adulthood. I can only imagine that it does hurt, as I do not have any children of my own. Even if she's now closer with her roomates, you will always be her mother. They will never take that away. Maybe in time you will be accepted as part of the family, I hope you will.


I wish you a better day today than yesterday, and that they keep on improving.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
I also wish you a better day ahead -  to you.
Hope