ch. 3 70's survival

[Elphanigh]

Lots of warmth and comfort to you, my dear. Take all the time you need to yourself, you deserve to take that step for self care. You have been doing so much, I am proud of you for it. 

[DecimalRocket]

San, it's alright. Take care of yourself. You've done enough.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, everyone.  i had a bit of a heartbreak cry last nite, but i suspect it's the tip of an iceberg.  won't go into it now, just wanted to get it down and out of me.  that always seems to help.  love all around. 

[Blueberry]

where's my cave?   

On the Healing Porch? I thought you had one there. If you don't I'm sure we can make one for you. Help you set it up if you're too tired.

i wish i could write to everyone but i just can't right now.  i need some time to myself.

san, pleeeeaaaase take some time for yourself. I for one do not need a reply to anything in this thread that I've said to you, including this last sentence! No stress! 

[sanmagic7]

woke up from a nap, have a little energy. 

i do have a cave at the healing porch, blueberry.  i was just lost for a minute.

gotta take a shower, gather all the stuff to take to my d's tomorrow.  i hope i have some energy for that.  this is a first, don't know what to expect at all, except we're going to watch one of my fav movies - 'streets of fire'.  lots of stars before they were stars.  a cult classic.  music by ry cooder. 

for all who celebrate, good day tomorrow.  for all who don't, good day tomorrow.  feeling drained now, so time to stop.  love all around.

[sanmagic7]

i thought i uploaded a pic for an avatar.   it's not showing.  i don't know how to do it, i guess.

[Three Roses]

San, email me a pic you want as an avatar and I'll do it for you.  

[DecimalRocket]

San, I'm glad you're taking time for yourself. 

Movies and watching shows get a bad rap as "addictions" but I believe in the right time and place, they can be healing somehow. Especially when the show shares a message that could help you.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  using them as pure escapism time after time can be addictive.  i do that sometimes with certain shows that are over the top (absolutely fabulous, married with children, etc.) but i've always gotten life lessons from movies that have touched me. 

this seems to be working for me as a healing format, so i'll keep on with it.  there's a balance, which i think is very important.  and, now that i'm using them to identify heartbreaks, they are more of a recovery tool than ever. 

while i'm writing, it's 4 a.m., have been up since 2.  nervous about dinner at my daughter's place, i just want to crawl into my cave, but i want this experience as well.  stuck between a rock and a hard place.  she called last nite to check w/ me cuz she knows i've been going thru a rough time, very sweet and kind of her, and i do want to do this.  i know it will be a good thing for me to get out and have a family thing with her and her 'boys'.

i'm just still tired. 

[sanmagic7]

that was a thanksgiving i'll never forget.  we talked, we ate, we laughed, we watched movies, we were together and enjoyed it.  it was more than i hoped for or expected.  my d and i had some great dialogues about how living with her sister has affected us both (well, that's an ongoing topic, but we were able to cover some new ground, found some new understanding) and we're getting to know each other better on a personal level.

i couldn't have asked for more.  i feel better today than i have in quite awhile - i know it gave me a sorely needed boost.  thanks to the powers that be for a magical day.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

yeah, 3roses, like that. 

can't remember the heartbreak cry i mentioned before, but i had one this morning.  last nite i watched a show about the grammys, and my very favorite duet was shown.  streisand and neil diamond singing 'you don't bring me flowers anymore'.  exquisite, to my mind.

i didn't cry while i was watching it, but when i was explaining the song to my hub this morning, the sobs came.  dang, i don't know how long this will go on, but i let them come.  it was about how all my marriages began so wonderfully, i was treated so well, told beautiful things, promised a good life, from each of them, and then all those beautiful things either faded or were broken.

and i wept, sobbed, shivered, hugged myself, nearly in disbelief.  i'd trusted, believed, wanted, had faith in, and it was all shattered.  none of them came thru, some in more hurtful ways that others, but the results were the same.  just now the word 'betrayal' popped into my mind.  they all broke my heart by not following thru on what they told me.

i'm beginning to wonder how i still have a heart left.  how it's managed to mend itself to love and love again.  i don't know.  i would think it would've just given up by now.  and there's still more to come, more heartbreaks that i haven't acknowledged yet. 

so i continue to allow these triggers to pop the lid on my heartbreaks, and let the sobs wrack my body the way they should have all along, but never did.  i'm hoping, praying, wondering if this is the key to my constant weeping.  if this is really the way for me to go so i can begin seeing these loving gestures, or emotional situations and just be with them instead of the constant stifled crying.  i hope to heaven it is. 

[Blueberry]

  to you san in these times of weeping. It sounds from the physical description you give of shivering that these are maybe being cathartic for you? I hope so.

"Betrayal" is a word that kept popping into my mind too re: FOO Standing with you here.

[AphoticAtramentous]

it was about how all my marriages began so wonderfully, i was treated so well, told beautiful things, promised a good life, from each of them, and then all those beautiful things either faded or were broken.

I really sympathise with you there, San. ^^ How harsh it is when you're over that abuse and realise how much had changed, how things seemed so wonderful at first but then as you said, it just went away and there was nothing you could do about it. It's sad.

[Blueberry]

San, I'm so glad you were able to enjoy Thanksgiving with your daughter and her 'boys' after all!

  using them as pure escapism time after time can be addictive.  i do that sometimes ....

this seems to be working for me as a healing format, so i'll keep on with it.  there's a balance, which i think is very important.  and, now that i'm using them to identify heartbreaks, they are more of a recovery tool than ever. 

Wise words and realisation. I work on finding this balance too with reading, with doing crossword puzzles, being online, playing solitary games. When is it pure escapism? When is pure escapism actually beneficial? So almost a recovery tool. Can I allow myself that? You seem to be allowing yourself it!  I'm happy for you.