ch. 3 70's survival

[Blueberry]

i think part of my reluctance here is also cuz it's a shared tub - other people use it.  i don't know, i don't feel comfy staying in that bathroom for very long.  i take the shortest showers in the house!  not that it isn't clean, cuz it is, but right now i'm just not comfy with the idea. 

I can really identify here, though I'm lucky not to have the problem at my current place.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  that was special to hear.

el, the breakthru may be short lived, as well as the experiment.  this morning's pain showed me that i don't think the sleep situation is the most important thing for me right now.  i can't focus on trying to sleep, tensing up because i can't, and having that tension take my back to new levels of pain.

so, i thought this, wrote my daughter about how it went during the night, how i couldn't lift a leg without pain while sitting, and she called, told me to dump this t.  like i've said before, i've been struggling with this thought anyway.  for my d to say it, just like that, showed me she had some pretty strong feelings about it.

ok, honestly now, i don't feel the connection i was hoping for.  i want to, desperately, but in my gut, it's not there.  i talked to my t this morning, told her what happened, and, again, it was like i was leading her to my water, instead of her leading me to it.  lots of stuff was said, including that she didn't know me, hasn't asked questions about me, hasn't been curious enough to want to know me, that, again, i didn't know how this was gonna work.

she said something about physical pain trumps trying to recover, and i reminded her that i've been in pain all this time and have still been able to begin grieving my heartbreaks, that what i'd asked for was healing and resolution (on the intake page) and that i felt like what i was doing was leading toward resolution, was moving toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

ohhhhhhh, she said, like another light bulb went on.  well, how many lightbulbs do i have to screw in for her before she sees me?  i'm sposed to talk with her tomorrow morning again, but i shouldn't be frickin' leading this therapy.  ok, feeling some anger now.  no, this isn't working, it just isn't.  she's a nice person, but i don't understand how her whispering 'yeah' every so often is productive therapy.

looks like i have to friggin' fire another one.  and, i'm on my own again.

sent an email to my doc that i need my back checked out.  hope for some resolution with that soon, one way or another.  i'm eating ibuprofens nearly every day now, and that's not right.  we'll see.

thank you, god, that you are all here.  i swear, i've come farther with so much of this stuff with you than with any t i've ever had, and i've certainly had my share.  i'm gonna look for a shaman, i think.  something non-traditional.  i'm non-traditional, not many t's are, so maybe someone outside the realm of tradition would suit me better.  we'll see.

[Elphanigh]

I am so sorry to hear that, San. You deserve a T that you can immediately connect with, that helps guide you through healing. Lots of hugs and love to you my dear. You are always so strong, and resilient. I am proud of you for going through all of this so well.

[sanmagic7]

i fired her last night.  i feel no sense of loss, no regret.  it had come to the point where i was feeling like i had to teach her, and that's not what i was paying for. 

so, onward.  i'm ok, peaceful.  thanks, el.  you're a doll.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you did that. It sounds like she has a lot of learning to do,which is definitely not your job. I am glad you are peaceful, San. 

[Blueberry]

  to san.

[ah]

Sounds like the absolutely right decision. I bet it's a tough spot, but deciding is a relief. It's the right call.
I wish there was an abundance of highly experienced trauma therapists for us all to choose from... you're so full of insight and experience, and also knowledge about c-ptsd. Hard to find a T who'd top that.
And being a therapist must make it doubly complicated, I bet it'd require so much maturity and sensitivity from both. I hope you find one who has a big heart and solid confidence, able to see all your different sides.

[sanmagic7]

el, i believe you are correct.   she missed too many direct statements i made, never formulated a treatment plan cuz she never asked questions to find out about me, my issues, my history - nothing of that.  like i said, directionless.  i finally told her she's never been curious enough to ask about me, get to know me.  she said she was curious, and i shot back - but not curious enough to ask.

i felt like i was leading, directing which way the therapy should go.  she told me she thought her job was to give me validation and support.  well, i get that here - what i needed from her was therapy.  she just seemed clueless to me, altho her description said she worked with ptsd and trauma.  i didn't see it one bit.  so, thanks for the affirmation, el. 

blueberry, loved those hugs.  thanks a bunch.

ah, it was kind of tough cuz she's a very nice person.  and, yeah, being a therapist myself, i know what i'd be doing in a session with a client, and i was looking for someone to do that for me.  her approach was completely opposite mine.  and thank you for those kind words.  that's very special for me. 

still feeling peaceful, tho.  this is different, but i'm still liking it.  like some of the intrinsic anxiety has been chipped away.  weird, actually, now that i think about it.  i'll take it, tho.

[ah]

Well... maybe... I can't remember where, but I read in a book on trauma that one of the major things trauma-oriented therapy is aimed at is giving the traumatized person a sense of control. You chose. I think I'd feel good too, having made a good choice even if it's not an easy one. That's the antithesis of trauma, methinks.

[sanmagic7]

methinks i agree with you, ah.  it came from a place of self-knowledge, sureness, and strength, now that i think of it.  a lot of that has been missing from my life because i had really no sense of self.  i guess i'm finding it at last.  still feels good.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, it turns out the break I had today reading is enough to make me feel ready to come here. Besides, the pain of missing this place is more painful than my own shyness.

I relate to finding people who want to help but can't offer much. Different people are needed for different people, and it takes effort to find the right match.

I've read somewhere in a book about influence about an analogy that describes people. Communicating with other people can be like visiting another country, another world. Each with their own culture, practices, traditions and beliefs. And I add — when you travel to somewhere you haven't before, you often discover something new.

Not every world is best for you, me and others. But maybe we'll find the right one someday. In the meanwhile, we from OOTS will stick around.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're back.  i miss you, too. 

i agree with you about each person being his/her/their own country.  we all have personal perspectives and worldviews, perceptions of and reactions to stimuli that is unique within ourselves.  i think that's why respect, which seems to be becoming a lost art, is so very important.  like respecting someone else's home when you go to visit, it's also important to respect that we are each our own little nation.

feeling frustrated today - had a spat w/ hub about a former friend, one i've eliminated.  i just want to remember that this is one of the reasons why i don't want to live with him anymore, and why i don't want to be in any kind of relationship with her anymore.  good reminders, but wish i didn't have to go thru it anymore.

i did write him about it, so that helped.  he's one of the people who just don't get it.  he can be very supportive, we speak every week, but stuff like this has always ended up in frustration for me.  i've had these few days of feeling peaceful, which i really liked, then i get disturbed by this old crapola, which i really don't like.

i guess i'll just have to let it run its course.  maybe i'll get some anger, sadness, other emotions up about this later today when i feel stronger.  i hate the feeling of making progress, then getting shoved back where i don't want to be again.  ugh.

[Blueberry]

feeling frustrated today - had a spat w/ hub about a former friend, one i've eliminated.  i just want to remember that this is one of the reasons why i don't want to live with him anymore, and why i don't want to be in any kind of relationship with her anymore.  good reminders, but wish i didn't have to go thru it anymore.

As you said, it's good to be reminded that's why we reduce contact, also so we don't get  in again, but it can be frustrating and painful. Sorry you're going through this.

i hate the feeling of making progress, then getting shoved back where i don't want to be again.  ugh.

I know, it's frustrating but the progress you made doesn't go away, it's just hiding somewhere out of sight, and it'll be back 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry, and that's another pos. reminder you gave me.  i appreciate it.  these reminders can go in all different directions, can't they.  that's why i'm here - cuz i know there are good people here who will remind me from another angle.  love it!

[DecimalRocket]