ch. 3 70's survival

[Blueberry]

Sending you  too, san. This evening the first time I could read your long post and comprehend what you're saying.

It's really tough when you realise there aren't any FOO members who'll stay with you, help you when you're down and be unequivocal about it. Those realisations going on for me this year too. I was told last year by a T that it looks as if nobody in my FOO is doing well or is stable so that could explain why nobody is willing to stand with me or stand up for me. That's all I can manage too and Idk if helpful. If not, ignore as usual.

Hope it helped you to write at least. 

[sanmagic7]

what you wrote was also very helpful, my dear.  yes, my d is riddled with anxiety, her move here did not go the way she wanted it to, she's had to make a lot of adjustments, and she's been disabled for 6 mos., culminating in surgery - no job, no money coming in.  so, that makes sense - she can't be concrete with me when her own world has been riddled with earthquakes.

thank you.  it's a perspective i forgot, but it fits to a 't'.

in its way, and selfishly thinking about it, it sucks, tho.  for you, too, i mean.  no one to rely on, and unequivocally is the perfect word there.  i know she does her best for me, but, and i know this is my issue, it lacks the reassurance i'd like, something i can lean on if/when i get worried.   feels like i have to tread water at times without knowing if a boat will definitely be on the horizon in time.

i think this is where faith comes in.  i thought of this earlier today.  i just need to have faith that if i need something, truly need it, it will be there.  i actually had an example of that today.  i do have people around me that will help with the slack if necessary.  i just need to learn that i won't have everything i want exactly the way i want it, but substitutes can still save the day.

love and hugs to you.     

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, I think I understand what you mean by faith. The opposite of fear is not fearlessness, it's acceptance. it's an openness. An embrace.

Not naive optimism or arrogance, but simply a trust that even if it's not perfect, there'll still be good things to come, won't it? Not everyday is a good day. But there's good in everyday.

[Blueberry]

i think this is where faith comes in.  i thought of this earlier today.  i just need to have faith that if i need something, truly need it, it will be there.  i actually had an example of that today.  i do have people around me that will help with the slack if necessary.  i just need to learn that i won't have everything i want exactly the way i want it, but substitutes can still save the day.

In fact way back when I was really unstable and had also just found 12 Step groups there was that saying "I can't fall deeper than into my Higher Power's hands." That actually really helped me then. I wasn't brought up with religion either. It was a new idea. Having faith is a bit like that maybe? Except you have faith in other people rather than some deity.

[sanmagic7]

d.r. and blueberry, all i can say is thank you right now.  while i've been able to respond to some others, i haven't been able to come here and respond for myself.

another doc visit, x-rays, more pain.  he thinks i may have soft bones, and a compression fracture in my spine.  i don't know about that.  but, right now, i just can't be with it here.  don't know what's blocking me from my own journal.

[DecimalRocket]

No problem, San. Take your time.

[Blueberry]

No problem! I respond to you for you for when you're ready and not to put you under additional pressure. 

[sanmagic7]

i am in so much pain, mental, emotional, and physical.  finding out that i've been walking around all these years with a broken back has clunked me in the head so very hard.  i just don't know how much more of this i can take.

all the manipulations from the x-rays yesterday have really exacerbated my back pain.  i'm exhausted on all levels, slept a lot today, can barely respond to anyone (something i love doing), and feel like my spirit has taken a big hit.  i just want to make it thru christmas, have a lovely christmas with my d and the boys.

last year at this time. i didn't think i would make it to this christmas, that's how so very sick i felt already.  it was why i made an effort to travel here to be with her - first christmas with her in 16 yrs.  i did it because i thought it would be my last one.  it took me over 3 weeks to recover from that trip.

recover is very subjective here.  i just keep finding more things wrong with my body, more pain.  i'm so tired of the pain, but no relief in sight.  took gabapentin today, the newest prescription.  it's an anti-epileptic, supposed to quiet the brain down from sending all these pain signals out.  last time i took something like this, i ended up with what felt like cannonballs crashing into the side of my head from the inside.  stopped them after 3 days.

i don't know, truthfully, how much longer i can hold on, keep putting one foot in front of the other.   my d would understand if i finally got too tired to go on.  we've talked about it.  i know she's worried about me.  i'm not planning anything right now, but i already told my ex-t that death would be a relief, and i'm looking forward to it. 

i can't even write on my book right now, can't focus for the pain and the lethargy of just wanting to be still so it doesn't hurt so much.  dang, i hope this ends soon.    love and hugs all around.

[M.R.]

I am so very sorry that you are in that much pain. It sounds horrific. I hope that the meds help and that something down the road will work for you.

MR

[DecimalRocket]

It's alright if you can't respond to us, San. It must be really painful to be so exhausted in so many ways all the time. I hope you can find even the slightest bit of comfort from the warmth around here. Take it slow, and we'll be right here.

[Elphanigh]

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Hopefully, that's medication can help you not be in pain as much. I wish that I could help, or had more words to say. You know how dearly I care for and cherish you. I do truly consider you a sister, and love you. I am sending you as much comfort and peace as I can

[ah]

Sounds like you're going through an extremely painful time. I'm so sorry... all the layers of pain one on top of the other, it must be exhausting. I hope you're sound asleep right now. No need to write a word or be there for others, we'll be there for you.

Btw, re. gabapentin, I got it in the past and it made me really lethargic. It absolutely did help with neuropathic pain, not so much with orthopedic pain like you may now have in your back (?), plus it took a while to kick in. I really hope you were given something very fast acting too, till gabapentin starts working.

i don't know, truthfully, how much longer i can hold on, keep putting one foot in front of the other.   my d would understand if i finally got too tired to go on.  we've talked about it.  i know she's worried about me.  i'm not planning anything right now, but i already told my ex-t that death would be a relief, and i'm looking forward to it. 

I think that's very realistic, and wise. Not in a suicidal way - passive or active or anything - but... the ability to look at life straight in the face, without blinking. Death can sometimes be a relief. When I have very strong pain I sometimes think of death as a kind friend, not an enemy to be afraid of. You have every right to be too tired to go on, and if will decide that you are that's 100% your choice, but I hope it won't happen any time soon because you have so much to do yet. I hope the pain lets you go enough to get back to your book.

I wish I could sit with you in silence, share with you my pain meds, get you cups of tea every few hours, make sure you're completely tucked in under the covers, and wait with you till the pain changes. I hope it does very, very soon.

[Blueberry]

          

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
I am really sorry to hear that you're suffering so much pain at the moment - you talked of having walked with a broken back all these years, and that was such a powerful statement - I wondered 'how could anyone be so strong to have done that?' - you have been walking under such pain and you've been carrying so much emotional baggage along as well - literally a heavy load on your poor body. 

I really hope that you can get some pain-relief, and also some peace and tranquility - and respite from that pain.  Sending you some soothing vibes to help - a very gentle hug  - and hoping that you have a good night's sleep and can dream of something lovely.  Maybe a sunset in a lovely place where you feel light and free of pain, and can enjoy light and laughter.

Hope 

[Andyman73]

 
San.....my friend, I've found you at long last. 💖💞💕❤️🌈💞💖♥️

The Bodyguard is my all time favorite love story.  That love between Whitney and Kevin was far beyond romance. It was the kind of love where you freely give your life for the other person. Kevin Costner was the only white man officially invited to her funeral and asked to speak. Her family knew that they shared a Love off screen as well. It was unfortunate that they couldn't have been together IRL. She would still be alive today.

San, that gentleman in Mexico who saw your true beauty...he is a man after my own heart.  I love how he loved you when your belly was blown up.  He saw you the same way I look at women.  I look at their hearts, and see their true beauty. I see yours, and you take my breath away.
You truly are an amazing woman and friend.