ch. 3 70's survival

[Sceal]

I hope that the time off will give you some peace.
Sending you good thoughts

[DecimalRocket]

I wish that that break will help you relax. You're feeling such an intense amount of emotions these days. Of course you'll need one.

It's not that too much for me now somehow. I've gotten a little bit more comfortable with affection now to withstand that, I guess.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you some peace, tranquility and strength to survive these difficult times - I know you're taking a break, and I just wanted to send you a hug for when you get back and read your journal. 
Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

My dear sister San, I wanted to just stop by and tell you I was thinking of you. I know you are away and doing the best for you, of that I am glad. Somehow I am hoping all the love and healing that I want to give you is reaching you. I send it every day, and hope it treats you well. Earth Mother Spirit is sent along with it, her voluminous skirts full of love and compassion ready to embrace you whenever you need or want. 

Love and healing wishes,
El

[sanmagic7]

your dear good wishes went with me as long as i've been gone.   as i mentioned elsewhere, i got exhausted trying to right my 'wrongs', become more 'normal', excise my 'flaws' as i viewed them.  i shut down from the sheer amount of energy i was putting to that end.

i decided on acceptance instead, decided to try it on, see how it felt.  it feels better than the battling and fighting i was constantly doing.  i've also accomplished other things because of it.

one was telling my ll off when, once more, she startled me, and when i jumped and yelled, held my heart, she was kinda laughing.  i tore into her about that, told her it wasn't funny, and i didn't appreciate that she thought it was.  when she said she didn't, i asked what the laughing was about then.  people laugh when they think something's funny.

i did end up apologizing later for snapping her head off - i was pretty snippy at the moment - but that's cuz i've got to live here, and she can evict me if she sees fit to do so.  i was also going off sugar (which i'm still doing since the new year), and i know that made me quite irritable.  i don't regret it, tho.  i might have been gentler about it, but i'm glad i did it.

the other thing i did was tell my doc off.  he wanted me to get a test to see if my bones are softening, but said if they were there's no cure for it.  well, another test, more money, for what?  so i didn't do it.  then he asked about the pain meds he'd prescribed for my back, and that's when i let him have it.

told him that i'd told him what was wrong, it was muscle pain caused by the stress of the anticipation of my cancer surgery, and he gave me brain pills.  he said, yes, for nerve pain.  i told him that i'd already said it was muscle pain, that i'd originally asked for a phys. therapist to help with it, and, instead, he made me get x-rays, which exacerbated the pain immensely, and it was 10x worse for two extra weeks after.

so, he'd caused me to suffer cuz he wouldn't listen, and i also said i'm sick of docs not listening, ignoring me, or dismissing what i have to say cuz i've been working with my body and its issues for over 30 years.  then he said, so, you want a phys. therapist? and i said, not anymore.  i just want my prescription refilled.  i'm done with this crap.

my d told me she was proud of me for saying all that to him, and, again, i was glad i did it.  i did not apologize to him, and i don't regret that, either.  and when the questionnaire came to my email about my experience with my last visit, i also wrote on there that i thought docs were supposed to be healers and listen to their patients, and that this had happened with 2 docs in their network and that they need to tell their other docs to shape up (or words to that effect). 

so, it's like accepting myself with my individualistic style has freed me up to let people know that there's a real person here, an individual who is unlike anyone else.  and i don't think that's a bad thing anymore. 

i feel strong enough to come back here today, even tho i got sick last fri. and the ol' lungs have taken the hit again - i also stood my ground with the antibiotic i wanted when i went to urgent care.  i'll be seeing my doc this week for a follow-up, just to make sure i'm progressing the way i should, and the wheezing is gone. 

also, tomorrow is the third anniversary of going nc with my #1 daughter and ex-hub.  i wrote about it under 'having a difficult day' as a preventive measure, cuz the last 2 nights were full of thoughts of them, and i knew it was cuz of this date coming up.  i hope that by writing about it, it will alleviate some of my anxiety.  putting it in black and white has always been helpful.

so, good to be back - this place opened back up just in time.  3roses, sceal, hope, d.r., el,  wife2, and anyone else - you don't know what you mean to me.  love and hugs to you all.   thank you for being who you are.  you are all in my prayers nightly.  i'll be on the porch tonite.  being with you all may also help keep those thoughts at bay.

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

So glad to hear about your route of acceptance :cheer:You have accomplished much, and will continue to do so because of it. I am sorry to hear you are sick, but am proud of you for sticking your ground on the meds.

Thank you for having us in your prayers every night, it means so much to me. I have missed you hear and thought of you daily. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, San. I'm glad to see you again. I missed you. It's really something to be able to go against these doctors to be able to point out your own conclusions. Acceptance seems like giving up or laziness to many people, but for many of us, it's one of the most difficult things we can do.

[Blueberry]

  Let'em have it! Sometimes people who don't listen to us, repeatedly, just have to hear it in a more forcive form.

on giving it to ll. She had it coming. ime sometimes people laugh out of nervousness or in my FOO also in order not to feel. However, that's no excuse for laughing at us or anyone in inappropriate situations.

on self-acceptance too. That's huge. 

[Elphanigh]

Sending you lots of love and strength for today, I know it is likely to be hard but you are doing so well!!  Tons of hugs, warmth, and healing your way my dear. ♥️♥️

[sanmagic7]

my dearest friends, and i mean that sincerely.  i have eliminated most all friends after realizing how draining they were.  you all give me life and uphold my spirit, and constantly feed me emotional strength. 

i will make it through today, much because of your support and validation.  it means the world to me.

telling people off is rather new to me.  i've been shushed about that for a very long time, by lots of different people.  it feels so good to just let it out.  plus, to feel angry about these things and act on them is new as well.  but, it's good.  once again, i found my power through my anger.

loving all the cheers and hugs.  i'm beginning to feel like my body is responding, but i'm a slow recoverer.  like i told the doc at urgent care, i've been sick for 20 years.  it just gets wearing, it scares the bejeezus out of me, and takes some of my spirit every time.  it makes me wonder how much i have left before i crumble under it.

i did find out that i have a compression fracture in my lower back.  who knows when that got there.  one more thing.  i feel like an old car - take it in for one thing, the mechanic finds half a dozen other things that are wrong and need attention. 

i'm quite certain i'll never be cured, never feel healthy again, and i'm actually ok with that.  at my age, this old body just is not able anymore.  it's part of my acceptance.  i'll take care of what needs taking care of as it comes along, when i can afford it, and keep myself as comfortable as possible.  better living thru chemistry. 

as for the rest, i'll deal with the emotional part, too, as it comes along.  if i can't get thru a sentence without crying, so be it.  it's no crime, i'm not doing anything to hurt anyone,  and it's just part of my makeup.  i'm too sensitive for the world as it is, and i'm not leaving the world anytime soon as far as i know, so i will tolerate as best i can, cry when the tears appear, and know that i'm no nutbox no matter what anyone might think.  pooh to all those that judge! 

3roses, i'm happy to be back, too.

el, thank you for your heartfelt wishes.  you bring another smile to my heart.

d.r., you're absolutely right that acceptance can seem like giving up.  the only thing i'm giving up is the constant battle that does no good for me, doesn't help me, is not beneficial and constructive (a page out of your book, blueberry).  i think it's a good thing to give those up - why keep them around to hurt myself over and over?    i know it comes from my 'gotta do everything i can to fix this' attitude, but maybe i'm finally learning everything can't be 'fixed' or doesn't even need to be.


blueberry, you made me laugh.  'she had it coming'.  i don't doubt her laugh is of the nervous variety, but i'm done excusing what other people won't go after, won't look at, won't do the work to help them become what they need to be.  (she had a horrible childhood as well, and is very controlling now).  that's on her, on everyone else who has made us feel uncomfortable or less than or unsafe. 

you are the best.

[Sceal]

Welcome back San!
You sound alot stronger and more sure of yourself. It's wonderful to hear and read. I am happy for you that you're finding acceptence where it's needed, and telling people off where it's not needed!

You're doing great progress! 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you are making it throughout the day today. Also always glad to make you smile anytime that I can. You are so loved. 

[Blueberry]

... but i'm done excusing what other people won't go after, won't look at, won't do the work to help them become what they need to be. 

Totally!  I'm not quite that far, but hope to be some day soon. 

[sanmagic7]

you beautiful souls!  i see you so clearly, so brightly, standing in front of me with warmth and care emanating off you like heat off a highway. 

thanks, sceal.  thanks for the validation and the care. 

thanks, el, and back atcha.   

and, blueberry, i have no doubt that you will make it.  one step at a time, sweetie.   love and hugs all around.