ch. 3 70's survival

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,

to you and I hope you get to relax your tensed muscles a bit more - and that you get to feel some lovely peacefulness - you deserve that - you really do.

Hope 

[Sceal]

It sounds really tiresome and awful, San.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Stiff muscles on top of everything is just... blærgh! I hope you can get some relief soon!
Big hug from me

[sanmagic7]

thank you hope for your kindness.  truly lovely to hear that.

thank you, too, sceal, for that wonderful word -- blaergh!  it's a beaut, and perfectly describes the situation.

it is tiresome and awful.  i'm coping and tolerating as best i can, but you know, if i were to hear of someone else going thru this, i'd have a lot more feelings about it, i'm guessing.  i think i believe that i have to keep it all under wraps for now, just get thru.  yeah, hope, some major stuffing going on here!

so, i rant here, let it out as best i can, all the while feeling like i'm whining at times.  dang, so difficult to see our own realities.  that's why i write about it here, so i can see it thru others' eyes.  that helps a lot.  big sigh of relief right there - that let some of the tension out.

so, thank you again.  i'll do what i have to do until i don't have to do it anymore.  like tom petty sang 'i won't back down.'  not when i have all of you holding me up thru the roughest times.

[Sceal]

Rant away, dear San. Get the poison out!

[DecimalRocket]

You're not whining, San. You've gone through a lot. Of course you need to vent out somewhere.

Take your time. Even if I don't have the strength to reply, I'll probably be listening. 

[alliematt]

thank you hope for your kindness.  truly lovely to hear that.

thank you, too, sceal, for that wonderful word -- blaergh!  it's a beaut, and perfectly describes the situation.

it is tiresome and awful.  i'm coping and tolerating as best i can, but you know, if i were to hear of someone else going thru this, i'd have a lot more feelings about it, i'm guessing.  i think i believe that i have to keep it all under wraps for now, just get thru.  yeah, hope, some major stuffing going on here!

so, i rant here, let it out as best i can, all the while feeling like i'm whining at times.  dang, so difficult to see our own realities.  that's why i write about it here, so i can see it thru others' eyes.  that helps a lot.  big sigh of relief right there - that let some of the tension out.

so, thank you again.  i'll do what i have to do until i don't have to do it anymore.  like tom petty sang 'i won't back down.'  not when i have all of you holding me up thru the roughest times.

I whine and rant and vent on here a lot, and you are one of the people who respond with nothing but kindness.  So here I am trying to hold you up as well. :-)

[sanmagic7]

i've never thought of you as whining, allie, and i think ranting is imperative at times.  you have held me up many, many times, and i thank you for that.

i've noticed that since i wrote that 'letter to my ex' i really haven't been plagued with those horrible ruminations about him.  it's only been about a week, and this morning there was a touch, but i was able to brush it away pretty quickly.  plus, it didn't have the same vitriol to it as in the past.  this is amazing to me.  i've fought this for so long in so many ways, but this is the way that seems to have worked.  it's magic.

took a lovely road trip with my d yesterday, o.d.'d on food, so i'm feeling kinda hungover today.  too much of a good time, i guess.  i overate after i got home, when i was very tired and very happy about how well we got along, how much we laughed.  so, i'm still not really hungry today.  i suppose i'll eat something later.

i think, if i delve into it, that i was feeling really good about things between her and me, and i might not have been able to deal with it emotionally, so i ate, stuffed it down.  still not always quick on the uptake of what i'm feeling, just know it's distressing somehow.  yeah, even being happy about something can be distressing.  go figger.

ok, if i delve a little deeper here, i've been fighting really hard for a very long time - many, many years - to have this kind of relationship with my d.  because of the madness in our family while she was growing up, and the wounds she brought away with her into adulthood, i believe that i've been seen as part of the problem in her life for much of it. 

the situation being what it was with d1, this d, d2, kind of got left by the roadside.  much too much of the attention and energy was directed toward d1, and there wasn't a lot left over for d2.  finally understanding the dynamics of d1 and going nc, i was able to direct all my energy toward d2. 

it made a big difference to her when i did that, and gave her permission to go nc with her sister as well.  since then, we've had that as a common bond, and she is able to understand better what it might have been like for me in the midst of the maelstrom that included her father, and the icky t i was dealing with all at the same time.

so, having yesterday was the pinnacle i've been reaching for in my relationship with her, and i think i might've been overwhelmed by it to a large degree.  that's what made something so wonderful feel so distressing.  plus, i couldn't really recognize it for what it was at the time.  i just knew i had to eat all the leftovers from the day right at that moment in order to calm my distress signals.

whew.  this beast wears a coat of many colors.  at least now i can be on the lookout for something similar in the future.  but, man alive, do i hate this.

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad the ruminations about your ex have improved so much! Those letters do truly help us heal, I think I will write one actually 

I don't have the energy/ability to fully read and comprehend the rest of it, but I promise to come back. I wanted to send all my love and healing warmth to you 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, el.  always accepted, always appreciated.   back atcha.

you don't have to understand the rest of what i wrote.  i was just writing down my process of exploring why i ate the way i did after such a great day.  it doesn't have to mean anything to anyone else - just helps give me clarity and something to remember the next time something similar happens.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad they are 

Comprehend was the wrong word there. I was exhausted and just couldn't keep my eyes focused on words enough to truly absorb what was written. I am glad you got to get that process all typed out, it helps to have things to go back to.

[sanmagic7]

i'm emotionally worn out today after watching the opening ceremony of the olympics last night.  some parts were so beautiful, like n. and s. korea entering the stadium together.  but, some parts were horrifying to me, like the fact that people who were actually there couldn't see all the 'augmented reality' effects, that they used hundreds of drones to make the first olympic drone show, and that s. korea is second only to china is having rehab centers specifically geared to technology addiction.

that all made my blood run cold, and i sobbed thru the whole thing.  the yin and yang of it, which was a big part of the show.

i despair of the direction our world and so many people are heading toward.   i was/still am bone-sad and cell-scared. 

part of this is due to the fact that i finished my book, a sci-fi story about the coming of the singularity, and what that might mean.  i believed it was important to write, but it has wreaked havoc with my being.

so, don't have much in me today.  a day of rest.

[Three Roses]

A simple  for you, filled with compassion.

[Elphanigh]

Sending a hug filled with comfort and warmth. Take good care of yourself today 

[alliematt]

i'm emotionally worn out today after watching the opening ceremony of the olympics last night.  some parts were so beautiful, like n. and s. korea entering the stadium together.  but, some parts were horrifying to me, like the fact that people who were actually there couldn't see all the 'augmented reality' effects, that they used hundreds of drones to make the first olympic drone show, and that s. korea is second only to china is having rehab centers specifically geared to technology addiction.

that all made my blood run cold, and i sobbed thru the whole thing.  the yin and yang of it, which was a big part of the show.

i despair of the direction our world and so many people are heading toward.   i was/still am bone-sad and cell-scared. 

part of this is due to the fact that i finished my book, a sci-fi story about the coming of the singularity, and what that might mean.  i believed it was important to write, but it has wreaked havoc with my being.

so, don't have much in me today.  a day of rest.

This sounds like a good self-care day for you.  (I didn't know you were a writer; I am also a writer but I write religious fiction.) 

[Sceal]

I understand your fear.