Need some help

Lingurine · October 10, 2017, 11:39:13 AM

Achilles, you started talking to him again, what you regret now. Thinking about Achilles, he was a warrior in the Trojan war and was shot in the Achilles heel with an arrow. Maybe that’s what you feel, like you’re in a warzone and can’t run away because of the arrow in your foot. He was a brave Hero and you are too. You did this before, so you can do it again. Pull the arrow out, put a band aid on it and protect your Achilles from being hurt again.
It’s so important to validate yourself again.
BTW spartan life coach is a great help.

Let us know how you are doing.

Lingurine

achilles · October 10, 2017, 12:54:07 PM

Thank you for your reply LIngurine.

I'm anxious this morning, but I feel better than yesterday. I didn't talk to him yesterday, and that helps. I'm really tired at the moment, but I'll return later.

Blueberry · October 10, 2017, 01:32:41 PM

achilles, your story sounds familiar to me because I went back to FOO (family of origin) after being pretty much estranged for a good number of years. Quite a number of things all happened again. At this precise moment I don't feel stupid about it but undoubtedly I have in the past. I probably don't need to tell you that we have no reason to feel stupid, going back is just a sign of how far along we are in healing, or how far we aren't along

I've gone very low contact again, and know that FOO isn't going to change. So I have to protect myself, including by refusing contact.

I'm glad you're not actually living with this man.

achilles · October 10, 2017, 02:27:27 PM

Thank you for your reply Blueberry. I'm glad you're protecting yourself now. It's so hard to enforce boundaries.

achilles · October 10, 2017, 04:24:12 PM

He texted me and asked if I'm okay. I answered yes. Why did I engage? I'm flooded with anxiety now and feel like I'm going to throw up.

I'm exhausted.

achilles · October 10, 2017, 04:40:56 PM

He just sent me a long message about a tv show he's watching. Normally I'd eagerly read it and reply, happy that he took the time to talk to me. Normally I'd fall right back in the trap and be delighted that he gave me any attention at all. But right now it just makes me feel sick. I feel like I'm drowning, I can't stand seeing his words on the screen, I can't stand myself. So I'm not going to read it and I'm not going to reply, at least night now.

This is a good thing. I can feel something in me changing, just like it did years ago before I left. I need to protect myself, protect my mental health from this monster. It's a process. Bit by bit I'll stop needing his approval. I lived just fine without him for years...I can do it again...this time for good.

I don't have any real-life support. I appreciate this space to talk about my feelings, I needed an outlet.

Blueberry · October 12, 2017, 03:35:35 PM

Quote from: achilles on October 10, 2017, 04:40:56 PM
So I'm not going to read it and I'm not going to reply, at least night now.

The more we practise healthy responses (in this case not responding), the easier it is to keep going with that.
Have you ever been to 12 Step groups? They have useful slogans like "just for now", "just for 24 hours". So instead of thinking "oh, no! How am I going to manage like this for the rest of my life??", break time down into much smaller doses. That can help. I don't go to 12 Step meetings anymore but I used to, especially useful at a time when I had next to no friends IRL.

Quote from: achilles on October 10, 2017, 04:40:56 PM
I can feel something in me changing, just like it did years ago before I left. I need to protect myself, protect my mental health from this monster. It's a process. Bit by bit I'll stop needing his approval. I lived just fine without him for years...I can do it again...this time for good.

This is good self-talk! It's so good that you can feel something changing in yourself. Keep up the good work.

I'm rooting for you. Come on here and use this space as an outlet any time.

achilles · October 12, 2017, 09:32:12 PM

Thank you for your reply Blueberry. I appreciate the support I've been getting here.

I held strong and didn't talk to him since Tuesday. Typically I talk to him every day, so this is new for me. Last night he sent me a couple messages, but I can't bring myself to answer (which is a good thing!). I've been working on my self-care instead of obsessing over him. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up, but like you said Blueberry, it's one day at a time. I have never been to a 12-step group, but I am familiar with some of their concepts.

Lingurine · October 12, 2017, 09:40:54 PM

You can do this Achilles, you are stronger than you think.

Lingurine

achilles · October 13, 2017, 07:12:45 PM

Thank you Lingurine.

I started missing him, so I'm posting here instead to get my feelings out. I haven't contacted him in three days. I have a lot of conflicting emotions right now. I'm exhausted. In the past month I was hit by this overwhelming tiredness from the moment I get up until the moment I go to sleep at night. I'm also so angry. I have to recover from the abuse he unleashed on me, while he doesn't care at all. I have to pay for all the damage he caused - for the second time. I'm full of so much shame for letting him hurt me again. I told myself I would never let anyone swear at me again, and it took just a few months before he'd worn me down to the point where I not only let it slide, but I ended up apologizing to him for making him mad. I hate that I let myself get so degraded.

The pattern always was that he'd be cold, or downright mean and nasty, and then once in a while give me a snippet of affection. And I'd indulge the fantasy that maybe he'd change and become kind and loving. But he never did and never will. I need to face reality here. I hate that I have this trauma bond, hate that I have this attachment to someone who makes me feel so low, so degraded, and so worthless. It's not fair that I have to pay for the pain he caused.

I feel better now that I got that out. I'm accepting that he will never understand. He is not capable of genuine love. But I won't allow myself to feel sorry for him because he does not deserve my sympathy. After all, he never had any for me.

Blueberry · October 13, 2017, 09:33:01 PM

Quote from: achilles on October 13, 2017, 07:12:45 PM
I started missing him, so I'm posting here instead to get my feelings out. I haven't contacted him in three days.
...
I feel better now that I got that out. I'm accepting that he will never understand. He is not capable of genuine love. But I won't allow myself to feel sorry for him because he does not deserve my sympathy. After all, he never had any for me.

Way to go achilles

Stay strong, and come on here to post or just read, when you need it.

Kind of like 12 step concepts: go to a meeting (or come on here to share) instead of the addiction (to a substance or person or activity).

JamesG · October 14, 2017, 03:01:05 PM

spartan life coach is amazing, you can go from this whirlpool of confusion toa really good understanding of the process in a very short time. It all feels unique, singular and personal but so many of the patterns we all talk about in here seem universal. Narcs exploit a weakness in human nature, namely being human. They subvert decency and humanity and turn it on itself. Learn all you can and know, that deep down, they are very scared and very weak people relying utterly on other people's decency to save them from the terror of existing. Once you start to see it their strength is halved, they will feel it instantly too, because the confidence trick they have been counting on for so long is suddenly useless. Knowledge is power. Prepare your battlefield, learn about that tactics they use, learn about the instinctive results they are counting on in others and then switch the monsters off. It's easier than you think. Don't expect a dramatic closure, look to switch the supply one notch at a time. Then go, and don't go back.

achilles · October 14, 2017, 03:12:12 PM

Thank you for your support Blueberry and JamesG.

I didn't talk to him in four days now. Every time I have a moment of weakness I remind myself of all the ways he hurt me. I don't want to talk to him, I wouldn't know what to say - I can't pretend everything is okay and shoot the breeze; nor can I tell him how I've been feeling, because he doesn't care and he would just beat me down even more for it. But I also don't want to make a dramatic announcement that it's over. So I feel a little frozen.

In the meantime I'm taking care of myself - getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, taking a walk and getting fresh air. I'm trying to sit with my emotions and then let them pass. I actually slept better the past few days too, although I am still extremely exhausted.

achilles · October 14, 2017, 08:42:49 PM

I took a nap and had a nightmare about him. I woke up anxious all over again. I wish I could get some relief from this.

I always knew he didn't care about me. I know he is a very weak person, a very fearful person, deep down. I know his patterns, his constant need to gain power and control over people. I'm not the first woman he abused and I'm sure I won't be the last.

There is much I have to be grateful for, despite this dark cloud over me, so I'm trying to focus on those things.

JamesG · October 14, 2017, 10:37:02 PM

the best thing to do is let it wither on the vine, rather than a big announcement. He'll take an announcement as a challenge, just keep not being available but make it seem as normal as you can, but keep it up and watch for shifting tactics. Once you start you have to finish. Funny, but you've changed so much in tone since you first posted, really great to see. Spartan life coach can really throw light on all this.