Need some help

[achilles]

Thank you JamesG.  It's been 5 days now and holding strong.  He texted me a few times but I ignored it.

Last night I hardly slept, I kept being plagued by intrusive thoughts and anxiety, alternating emotions of anger, hurt, and sadness.  I know logically I don't miss him - I don't like him or respect him.  There's nothing there to like, it's just the trauma bond playing tricks on me.  I gave him so much over the past few months, my time, energy, attention, thoughts, love, trust, and he didn't appreciate any of it.  In fact, he told me I didn't appreciate him. 

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what he said or didn't say.  Analyzing it is a waste of time.  The only way to win with an abuser is not to play.  I don't care if he gets angry, or tries to make me feel sorry for him, or stops reaching out to me at all.  I'm not going to respond.  I've been hurt enough, I have no more to give.

[JamesG]

Bingo! You've got it! No going back now, you've crossed the canyon. Welcome to normal. There will be bumps and dips, trauma recovery is never a straight line, but it will all be progress now. It's worth every single second. Big hug to you, you broke the chains. x

[achilles]

Thank you.  This is quite an accomplishment, as I haven't been able to go more than two days without contact prior to this.  My biggest hurdle is filling up the time.  I need to brainstorm some ideas for things to do to replace him in my life, since I spent a great deal of time on him. 

[JamesG]

gotcha... well what are your talents and interests? If you have energy why not just hit exercise? Anything is better than a narc. Clean a freeway with a toothpick, trust me, its better.

[Three Roses]

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what he said or didn't say.  Analyzing it is a waste of time.  The only way to win with an abuser is not to play.

Yes! Great realization 

Clean a freeway with a toothpick, trust me, its better.

I agree

[achilles]

Thank you JamesG and Three Roses.  Lol, cleaning a freeway with a toothpick is funny . 

I don't have much energy for exercise, but I try to take a walk almost every day.  I have other interests, like writing, but I have no motivation right now.  I've been trying to spend free time watching funny movies and reading light books, cleaning the house, playing with my dog, talking to my sister...I haven't told a single person in real life that I was in contact with him all this time.  I was ashamed of it.


But I know that this is how the process goes.  It hurts, there's no other way around it, and I definitely don't want to lose all the hard work I've been putting in the past few days.  I can do this, but the days feel so long.  I have achieved many things, and gotten through a lot of challenges, without him there.  I can keep on getting through life without him.

[achilles]

Please pardon all the posts, I need an outlet.

I'm experiencing this flood of anger and shame right now.  Anger for all the times he would invalidate or dismiss how I felt, and when I (foolishly) begged him to give me compassion and patience, he'd respond with rage and contempt. 

I feel so indignant right now, that he re-traumatized me - and I let him.   I keep forgetting that he's a narcissist, he literally cannot love, and yet I feel like I must have done something to deserve his wrath, his contempt, his scorn.  I start to feel inadequate and ugly, even though I know I am not.  He embedded himself into my mind, and I held the door wide open. 

Ugh!  I just hate this, hate these feelings.  The shame, the anger, the inadequacy, the grief.  I should be celebrating my freedom, and instead I'm pining for someone who did not even exist. 

Okay.  It helped to express all of that.

[achilles]

i wish this was a happy post.  i broke no contact.  i regret it already.

im in tears.  im groveling.  why...why...im so weak.  i have no self-control.  im so stupid. 

[Three Roses]

You are not stupid! It's very normal to not be able to break away, cleanly.

Here, have a look: https://youtu.be/tQDTWqIRryA

Then give yourself a big hug, and know that everything comes when you are ready.

[achilles]

i hate myself so much right now.  someone put me out of my misery.  why do i have to be so stupid.

[achilles]

I told him that what he did last weekend hurt me a great deal.  And true to form, he said my perceptions were wrong, and I'm looking to be hurt by anything.  And then he went and played his video games....

Why don't I ever learn.  He does not care.  If I'm hurt, he doesn't care.  I don't think he even wants me for supply.  I'm used up at this point, got nothing to offer.  He wouldn't care if I vanished into thin air.  Why do I keep begging for his love. 

He's so cold.  Like a robot.  I've crumbled into a pile of hysterics, literally begging him for a kind word.  Somebody stop me lol, I need help.

[AphoticAtramentous]

You don't need his love, achilles. You're a strong independent woman who don't need no man! lol
You're right though, he doesn't care, and he's not going to change. Don't run back to him, you'll just end up hurting yourself more. Weaning off a relationship like this is like weaning off an addiction. It hurts so much at first, but there'll be this moment in time, a day when you wake up and realize you don't need him at all. You could keep feeding your addiction, but as with most addictions, they're damaging and the sooner you leave it the better.

[JamesG]

I suspect part of you, like me with my brother, wanted to test him given your new knowledge. Not gonna work because nothing will work, he's a monster. But what you have learned is that you shouldn't have gone back, and that is actually very important. Somethings can only be learned through pain and knowledge in the same moment. You have that now. Don't beat yourself up, this is a very common phenomenon but it's a cycle that will only be broken by you reaching that moment of sheer defiance that makes you see that you, a perfectly decent, kind and loving person, are dealing with something very abnormal.

Look ahead of you in to the future.. is this how life should be going ahead? Of course not, but that means a time has to happen when it stops and the only way to stop it.. IS TO STOP IT.

Like all narcicists, he is using your strengths against you, making them seem like weakness, your decency turned in on itself and he is counting on your pain and misery after each encounter to weaken you so he can have you feed his dubious needs. He can't and he won't love you, no matter who you are or how you look, or anything because it isn't about you, it's about him and nothing will ever stop that flow of abuse.

This is a very hard lesson, and many of us have expwrienced this return to abuser effect but you can and will return to that point of no return when you realise that all the pain he sends out is designed to make you feel awful and is not related to who you really are in any sense whatsoever. You are better than this, and better than him. Be Free of this.

[Sceal]

I don't have any words of advice. I just wanted to let you know I'm sending you some strength and some love.

[achilles]

thank you everyone for your kind words.  i'm sobbing right now and literally feel too tired to use the shift key for capital letters.  i am struggling so badly.  so badly.

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i feel so weak.  all that work last week, with me deciding enough was enough.  5 days of no contact, down the drain.  im so disappointed in myself.  i just wish he saw me as others do.  other people see me as capable, smart, funny, caring and loving.  why cant he?