Need some help

[achilles]

You're completely right.  He hurts me, then I look to him for comfort, which is totally backwards.  I need to stop this horrible cycle and put it in the past, but I truly don't know that I have the self-discipline to do it.  But this can't go on forever.  I will not give up my sanity for this monster.

edit

I know it's mind-boggling, why would I want anything to do with him?  The answer is, the trauma bond.  That attachment that makes me think I need his approval and love to feel worthy.  He makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him, and I have this compulsive urge to prove myself worthy.  It's sick.  I feel so pathetic for this.

[JamesG]

no Acilles, it's not pathetic, it's a well worn path to abuse. He is a parasite, a man who needs to validate himself via abuse. You have been taught to feel helpless and that he is the only person who can stop that. He is both disease and cure. There is a parasite that efects both birds and caterpillars. It infects the grubs with a larvae which then makes the caterpillar change colour to be easier to pot for birds and then as if that wasn't enough, the poor caterpillar goes to projecting branch and dances so that the birds see it and take it. That's your guy. He's not a lover or a partner, he's a parasite and he will play with you until you break. Lives with his mother, I'm afraid that's classic. He hates himself and feels too good to be independant so he probably claims to be a victim of bad lucjk and betrayal, otherwise he'd be plain magnificant, but he's not. He wants control and power and he's going to have it unless you just stop this and take back control. The charm thing is another red flag for me, they project it to everyone but their chosen victims. I'm sure many in here know this pattern.

Achilles, self hate is not the answer, yoiu are not unique in this, but you cannot squander your life to this kind of man, not because of how it looks to anyone else, or to him.. but it's about who you are. Is this acceptable? It so is not.

You cannot win this. You just cannot get him, and have him like you and respect you. He knows you want that now, and look how he is playing you. Back away and stay away. PLEASE

[Blueberry]

  He's going to hurt me again and again...oh god, make it stop .

achilles, only you can make it stop. Depending on how you see it that could be a fortunate or an unfortunate piece of news.

I posted above that it can take a while for us to stop our addictions (whether we're addicted to people, substances or behaviour) but that doesn't mean that it has to take a long time. I just meant: don't beat yourself up over it because that rarely helps.

You wrote "He hurts me, then I look to him for comfort, which is totally backwards." Up until very recently I was still looking toward FOO for various forms of comfort although they hurt me so badly when I was growing up and continue to do so a bit despite my Very Low Contact. I don't actually see myself as pathetic about that. Nor do I think you're pathetic. I don't know your story off-hand, or even if you've written it here, but you could be repeating a pattern from your childhood too. If that is the case, you might need therapeutic help to get out of the situation. I can only wish you all the best. C-PTSD is a terrible beast.

[achilles]

Thank you both, JamesG and Blueberry.

I'm sure this all goes back to when I was a little kid and my mom was emotionally abusive/neglectful to my sister and me.  She flat-out said I was unwanted, and it stuck with me.  So now it's like I'm drawn to people who treat me the same, and I'm looking for resolution for this wound that has never healed.  I can't afford therapy at the moment, but I'll look into low-cost options...I think I could definitely use the help.  I had some counseling in the past, and I thought it was successful at the time, but I never addressed the deeper issues.

I know it's up to me to make all this stop.  The first time I left him, when I was much younger something finally clicked in me and I was ready to walk away - but that was after years of abuse and degradation.  I'm not willing to throw years of my life away on him again.  What helped, before, was reading books on abuse.  They helped me feel much stronger and gave me back my voice.  So I will do the same now. 

He has said that he's changed and become a better person.  I have not seen any evidence of this.  He seems to think that he deserves a pat on the back for not calling me names, like he's doing me a favor.  Every word he says is a tangled mess of traps to get me confused and doubting myself.  I need to stop looking for any kindness in him.  He told me to F off when my childhood dog died; he slapped me in the head and said "the problem is in here," just endless, endless abuse.   

For the rest of today I'm going to focus on myself and my needs.  I ate a healthy dinner, and I'm going to take a walk soon.  At least, for the rest of today I will treat myself well.

[Blueberry]

For the rest of today I'm going to focus on myself and my needs.  I ate a healthy dinner, and I'm going to take a walk soon.  At least, for the rest of today I will treat myself well.

[JamesG]

that's great to hear Achilles, the shift in your thinking just on this thread is noticable.

My advice, in the absence of counselling, is to keep on learning about the way PTSD, trauma and neglect create these repetitive effects in us. The more you learn, the stronger you will become because at the end of the day, allthough we are all different, and our experiences may alter, many of the ways that C-PTSD and it's causes work is universal. It is important to draw the distinction between cause and effect, but realise that the effect in us is working to a pattern and that gives us power to heal it.

Your childhood clearly shaped you for abuse and that is a big indicator, and I am glad you have explained this. Childhood neglect or abandonment of that kind makes you very vulnerable to narcissists in adult life. There is a huge amount of literature out there on this and knowledge is power if you want to break the cycle for good.

Defiance is the key, defiance is your new best friend. Look back at your life and decide that the crap stops now.

[achilles]

Thank you Blueberry and JamesG.  Another day begins lol.

I restarted the journey of reading about abuse again.  Lots to think about...I need to resolve the childhood issues, and then hopefully it will help me with the present. 

edit

I'm feeling better at the moment.  It's helpful for me to see him for exactly what he is.

[JamesG]

bravo!

[achilles]

so today's latest, i could hear in his tone he was getting annoyed with me, so i started to grovel.  and he told me to stop groveling because he "doesn't like to feel like an abuser".  then maybe he should stop acting like one. 

im so tired.  i know im worth more than this. 

[JamesG]

you need to go no contact achilles.

I think he knows you are onto him to frank, if he said that then he knows the game is up. Don't talk to him.

[achilles]

I know.  I'm so anxious, I feel like I'm going to throw up.  Talking to him is exhausting and almost gives me a panic attack every time.  This is so not worth it.  If I talk about a subject he doesn't like, his tone gets dismissive and irritated, so I apologize and I get choked up because I feel his wrath building.  So I'm like "i'm sorry for being so annoying, i know i'm stupid."  And he says "you have to snap out of it, I don't like feeling like an abuser, you're making me feel like an abuser."  Um...he is.  He is an abuser.  This is insanity here.  Why am I giving him my precious time.

[JamesG]

you are locked in an attempt to change him to be a decent person, and he isn't. give it up.

I went through this with my brother endlessly, the more I tried to find a way through it, the more he battered my confidence. You are feeding this man with your pain. Please don't use what you are learning about narcissists to try and change him,  because it won't. He will invert it on you as he does everything else. Your self esteem is on the line here, if you stay with this you will just be adding years to your therapy and he won't even feel it. Please... drop him and start healing. He is not the solution, there is no solution involving you, he will use you until you have nothing left for anyone better.

[Three Roses]

 

Our focus here is on healing and recovery from being abused. What are you willing to do to pursue that healing, achilles? Please know I want the best for you, and I do not believe that the best course of action for you is to just continue to talk about how awful he is to you. Do you have a therapist? Or are you reading a book? Have you taken a look at the information on Richard Grannon's YouTube channel about escaping a narcissist?

[achilles]

Thank you for your replies. 

I don't have a therapist right now, but I'm trying to find some low-cost options.  Transportation is also an issue for me. 

I'm reading one of Shahida Arabi's books right now on narcissism.  I also watched most of the spartan life coach's videos.  I don't know why I keep banging my head against the wall trying to make things work.  I couldn't be more informed on the topic of abuse.  I know he's a horrible, remorseless monster, yet it's like I have this masochistic compulsion to try to get him to be nice to me.  I really need to work on figuring that out, getting stronger, and leaving.

[JamesG]

you want a happy ending. Not gonna happen. He has no intention of going near an epiphany, and he enjoys your desperation in looking for one. We have all been there Achiles..