A Question To The Forum

[AphoticAtramentous]

I wanted to get an opinion/view point from some of you lot, hopefully you've got a better perspective on this than I do.
Basically... I had an incident at work today, manager came over to me and said a customer complained I didn't pack the bags right. Apparently you're supposed to separate a few specific items in different bags which I thought would be a waste of space but now I realize that most customers prefer high quality of packing over the low quantity of bags. Anyway, the customer supposedly said that "I told her (me) to take that pack of biscuits out and put them in another bag. But she REFUSED." Note, REFUSED. Which is a blatant lie. And I told my manager that I did NOT refuse, I took the pack out and set them on the table for the customer to place wherever she wanted them to go. I was frustrated of course by being accused of something that was untrue, but that's not really related to my actual question.

The thing is, I defended myself... I told my manager what the customer said was wrong, that I didn't refuse her at all and I told the manager what I really did. But then I got struck with an EF and I felt horribly sick for a good few hours until it finally went and I had the time to think. I eventually felt a lot more calm and I realized, thinking back to what happened, I felt #$^&*@, had that EF, because I defended myself. Subconsciously it reminded me of all the times I was being scolded by my FOO, even over things that weren't true, yet I wasn't ever allowed to defend myself or explain myself, ever give reason. I just had to "suck it up and take responsibility because that's what you'll be doing in the real world".

And now my question, is it true? Should I not have defended myself and instead just took what the manager was telling me? Or was it okay of me to actually speak out and tell her the truth? Should I have agreed with the customer and what my manager was saying? I felt really bad after defending myself, it felt wrong.
Sheesh. I feel so brainwashed, I don't know what is right or wrong. I just need someone else's perspective on this because my own feels so...  There's a part of me that says right, and a part of me says wrong. A little guidance is all I need please.

[Hope66]

Hi AphoticAtramentous,
Personally I think you did right to speak the truth and describe what actually happened, and I comend you for that.  Speaking the truth, and saying what happened, I think that's completely appropriate and you did it out of earshot of the customer - which again shows professionalism. That's just my thoughts on it.  I'm just cooking my lunch - and saw your post - and wanted to reply.
Hope you are ok.  Really sorry to hear you suffered that EF as a result of defending yourself - but I think you did a totally appropriate thing to speak up for yourself and say what happened.  So well done.
Hope 

[Sceal]

No one packs your groceries here. Its a strange concept to me. 😊 to be honest,  complaining to a manager because someone didnt pack your groceries right seems... well, mean. Unless you broke something it shouldnt matter.
But thats not really what you are asking. 

I think explaining your  experience to your boss was the right thing to do.
Being honest with your boss is the best option. If you made a mistake admit it. If you didnt tell him. If someone wronged you tell him. (Or was it a her?)
I think you did good.  Really good. Its normal to struggle in the beginning of setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. (I am working really hard on that now). They say that eventually, gradually it will come with less side effects.

I am rooting for you! Stay strong 😊

[Three Roses]

I used to work in retail. It's not easy to have to deal with all sorts of unrealistic expectations! Believe me I've had to "defend" myself too.

But I didn't really consider it defending myself as much as telling my manager my own perspective of what happened. "No matter how flat you make the pancake, it always has two sides."

[Contessa]

You did the right thing Aphotic, plain and simple. Keep it up

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hi AphoticAtramentous,
Personally I think you did right to speak the truth and describe what actually happened, and I comend you for that.  Speaking the truth, and saying what happened, I think that's completely appropriate and you did it out of earshot of the customer - which again shows professionalism. That's just my thoughts on it.  I'm just cooking my lunch - and saw your post - and wanted to reply.
Hope you are ok.  Really sorry to hear you suffered that EF as a result of defending yourself - but I think you did a totally appropriate thing to speak up for yourself and say what happened.  So well done.
Hope 

Oh yeah, I wouldn't dare talk about a customer within earshot, and would never dream of 'refusing' them like that. I strive to be an overly friendly person so when I get hit with a "they refused me", it just goes against everything I work for, so of course I had a strong urge to defend myself.
Thank you kindly though. Hope your lunch was good.

No one packs your groceries here. Its a strange concept to me. 😊 to be honest,  complaining to a manager because someone didnt pack your groceries right seems... well, mean. Unless you broke something it shouldnt matter.
But thats not really what you are asking. 

I think explaining your  experience to your boss was the right thing to do.
Being honest with your boss is the best option. If you made a mistake admit it. If you didnt tell him. If someone wronged you tell him. (Or was it a her?)
I think you did good.  Really good. Its normal to struggle in the beginning of setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. (I am working really hard on that now). They say that eventually, gradually it will come with less side effects.

I am rooting for you! Stay strong 😊

And it's a strange concept to me that there are supermarkets where the cashiers are sitting down whilst serving! lol I WISH they would pack their own groceries. Saves me from getting growled at by a few fussy customers. But honestly, whatever criticism/critique I get, I don't mind, as long as it's fair and just and not a downright lie like the one I had earlier. But the part where I could pack things better, I'll take that. It's a small thing but that makes it even easier to change and remedy.

But thank you a bunch. Hopefully soon I'll be able to explain myself and tell the truth without feeling that dread, fear, and guilt.
An annoying snippet of me has been thinking though "What if the manager didn't believe what I told them?" but I'm just shoving that aside and blaming it on EF paranoia. Realistically, I think it's more likely a manager would believe their employee over a stranger/customer.

I used to work in retail. It's not easy to have to deal with all sorts of unrealistic expectations! Believe me I've had to "defend" myself too.

But I didn't really consider it defending myself as much as telling my manager my own perspective of what happened. "No matter how flat you make the pancake, it always has two sides."

Thanks for the response, Three Roses.  I like that saying, should write it down somewhere. Haha

You did the right thing Aphotic, plain and simple. Keep it up

Thank you Contessa. The affirmation is appreciated.

I think this all pretty much answers the question though, thanks a bunch to those who answered. ^-^ Helps me out a lot. It's like I'm slowly draining the disease that is my FOO's parenting, replacing it with actual facts and fairness. And eventually I'll come to terms with what is right and wrong, just takes time.

[BlancaLap]

I think you have a lot of anxiety and "fear" of rejection, "fear" of doing something you know may infuriate other people, f.e. defending yourself, not agreeing...maybe you're numb and you don't know it (it happened to me). Anyway, I wish you luck with your recovery!

[sanmagic7]

my latest ef was with something my t said that felt like being scolded or told i was wrong.  it is so rapid that our emotions get hi-jacked back to a childhood experience and we're in an ef without even realizing it.  like you, i was able to figure out the source, and the next time i talked with my t, i told her about it.  in essence, i did the same as you - stuck up for my boundaries.

it does take practice and awareness.  in a way, we can use ef's to accomplish both if we're able to do so.  they're so debilitating when we're in the midst of them.  i don't think we have to get angry at ourselves for having them tho - it's a hi-jacking that's going on, beyond our control.

big hug to you, a.a., filled with compassion and love.

[Andyman73]

Something else to consider, if you just nodded your head and agreed with manager, allowing the customer's lie to stand, then the manager would most likely assume it was true. It was good for you to defend yourself and the truth, which is you didn't refuse the customer's wishes. Even the cashier can back you up on that, or the ones working next to you.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. Well done. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think you have a lot of anxiety and "fear" of rejection, "fear" of doing something you know may infuriate other people, f.e. defending yourself, not agreeing...maybe you're numb and you don't know it (it happened to me). Anyway, I wish you luck with your recovery!

Oh goodness yes. :S I fear annoying other people or doing anything that may negatively impact someone. I'm still trying to get over this though and realise that sometimes people will get hurt no matter what I do and that's just how it is.

my latest ef was with something my t said that felt like being scolded or told i was wrong.  it is so rapid that our emotions get hi-jacked back to a childhood experience and we're in an ef without even realizing it.  like you, i was able to figure out the source, and the next time i talked with my t, i told her about it.  in essence, i did the same as you - stuck up for my boundaries.

it does take practice and awareness.  in a way, we can use ef's to accomplish both if we're able to do so.  they're so debilitating when we're in the midst of them.  i don't think we have to get angry at ourselves for having them tho - it's a hi-jacking that's going on, beyond our control.

big hug to you, a.a., filled with compassion and love.

Thanks San. ^^ The reply is much appreciated. Sorry you had that EF with your T.
I wish I could be able to tell when exactly I'm having an EF, I only realise I've had an EF much later when I'm back to my senses and able to think clearly.

Something else to consider, if you just nodded your head and agreed with manager, allowing the customer's lie to stand, then the manager would most likely assume it was true. It was good for you to defend yourself and the truth, which is you didn't refuse the customer's wishes. Even the cashier can back you up on that, or the ones working next to you.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. Well done. 

Thanks Andy. It means a lot! And you're right, it was best for me that I defended myself.

[sanmagic7]

a.a., i didn't mean to imply that i knew about that ef with my t right away.  all i felt at the moment was some kind of disturbance within.  it took me 5 days and some very focused thinking/remembering to figure it all out.  it wasn't till after i had it figured out that i realized what it was.

the best part about it was that i was able to figure it out, what, exactly the trigger was and where it led to in my past.  last year i was stuck in an ef for 8 mos. and was in crisis for 5 mos. of that.  i knew what the trigger was, but was never able to understand the whole of the dynamics about it.

fortunately, it finally faded.  i hope never to go thru that again.   big hug, sweetie.

[AphoticAtramentous]

a.a., i didn't mean to imply that i knew about that ef with my t right away.  all i felt at the moment was some kind of disturbance within.  it took me 5 days and some very focused thinking/remembering to figure it all out.  it wasn't till after i had it figured out that i realized what it was.

the best part about it was that i was able to figure it out, what, exactly the trigger was and where it led to in my past.  last year i was stuck in an ef for 8 mos. and was in crisis for 5 mos. of that.  i knew what the trigger was, but was never able to understand the whole of the dynamics about it.

fortunately, it finally faded.  i hope never to go thru that again.   big hug, sweetie.

I see, thanks for sharing this San. ^^ I'm glad that long ef of yours has faded as well.

[Andyman73]

 
🌺🌺🌺💐💐💐🌸🌸🌸🌟🌟🌟