New here, stuck in survival mode (TW)

[plantsandworms]

Hey everyone, grateful to have found this forum. I am a woman in my mid-20s and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD in January of this year, after a previous diagnosis of anxiety and chronic depression. I have been in therapy for ten months now and have had a lot of breakthroughs, but processing all of this has me feeling like I'm barely hanging on to each moment.

The background of my diagnosis is basically this: I was born to a teen mother who was being held hostage in a rural area by a physically and sexually abusive partner. She escaped with me across state lines when I was three years old. I was kidnapped by this man when I was four or five and spent six months with him until I was returned to my mother. What followed was a series of unfortunate events brought on by the fact that my mother was poor, uneducated, and never sought help for her trauma. A lot of the burden of our situation fell to me as soon as I was old enough to help (eight or nine years old). We lived in dozens of places and were sometimes homeless, always living in a constant state of chaos and crisis. My mom went on to have many other children and their care was largely my responsibility. She had romantic partners that turned out to be really * people who put us through a lot. She also had explosive anger and paranoia and directed it mostly at me as her primary support system.

I started running away a lot in my teens and at 17 I cut off all contact. I have gone on to achieve some success in my life, as I channel all of my energy into my work. However, I feel completely empty inside. I isolate from others a lot because I don't know how to love or be loved and I'm afraid to repeat cycles of abuse. I put all of my energy into my work but then most times my work just feels meaningless. The tiniest things make me feel extremely fearful or overwhelmed. People think that I have so much going for me but really I'm barely holding it together. And to top it all off, it has been years since my no-contact decision and my mother is still frequently sending me threatening and/or pleading messages, showing up at my house and screaming in the street, or calling my work and my friends. I am also unable to have relationships with my siblings, because they are still young and under her control. I feel a lot of guilt about that.

I am so ready to do my healing work and reach my fullest potential, but my trauma feels completely inescapable. I can't do anything outside of what I absolutely must do to survive as a human or do well at work. I'm hoping that connecting with others who have similar experiences might help me put the pieces together a little better. Anyway, thanks for reading.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened there, mate. I can't imagine how much responsibility was placed on you, how much pressure you still feel now even when you've cut contact with them.
I hope things will get better for you, and hope you will stick around here and find the answers you're looking for. ^-^

[Faraway flower]

Hey hey. Just want to say props for your survival and self sufficiency. I really hope you find the support and camaraderie here and in general to help you get through the deeper things going on.

[sanmagic7]

plants and worms, such an interesting name.  nature lover, are you?  i am, and i value both plants and worms when i'm gardening.  growing things to nurture our bodies and spirits.  welcome!

sometimes this stuff can get overwhelming, especially when having a lot of realizations in a short time.  it may be that you need to slow down a little.  it sounds like you have a lot going on, what with continuing abuse from your mother even as you're attempting to get out from under it.

i'm sorry for all you've gone thru, sorry for what you still go through.  hopefully, as you continue in recovery, things will ease up for you.  it's good to hear from you - i hope you keep posting.  i've found wonderful support here, no matter what i might be going thru.

keep taking care of you.  warm safe hug if you want it.