Nightmares with a cruel, cynical twist?

[ah]

This is maybe a bit weird... I was wondering if anyone else has these sort of nightmares.

I have nightmares almost every night, but they aren't violent. That is, they're so extremely violent that they flip and turn into completely non-violent nightmares. It's as though that's the ultimate cruelty my mind can make up... if that makes sense. In my nightmares my abusers are kind. They're considerate, they treat me humanely, look me in the eye, show concern and empathy. Aaargh... dreadful nightmares. They're so much worse than a violent dream. I mean after all, violence is nothing new. Violence would leave me indifferently thinking "that's it? Waking hours are worse. Pft" instead, my mind keeps showing me imaginary kind versions of my abusers.

I was wondering if you'd ever experienced this too. Though I hope not, they make me shudder.

[Andyman73]

This is maybe a bit weird... I was wondering if anyone else has these sort of nightmares.

I have nightmares almost every night, but they aren't violent. That is, they're so extremely violent that they flip and turn into completely non-violent nightmares. It's as though that's the ultimate cruelty my mind can make up... if that makes sense. In my nightmares my abusers are kind. They're considerate, they treat me humanely, look me in the eye, show concern and empathy. Aaargh... dreadful nightmares. They're so much worse than a violent dream. I mean after all, violence is nothing new. Violence would leave me indifferently thinking "that's it? Waking hours are worse. Pft" instead, my mind keeps showing me imaginary kind versions of my abusers.

I was wondering if you'd ever experienced this too. Though I hope not, they make me shudder.

Wow!! Gaslighting you in your own nightmares....oh what cruel twist of fate!!!! What new fresh level of * has been wrought?

[ah]

Oh no, you're so right!!! I'm gaslighting myself. PFFFht...

I get the "regular" violent creepy nightmares on a nearly nightly basis too but it's just that these really destroy me. SIGH... if I could only make them stop. It's torture. I go to sleep at 2 AM, terrified of sleep, but they just keep coming. Yikes.

P.S.
Andyman, sorry man, I know you wrote somewhere else here that you're dumb, but you're a genius!!!

[Andyman73]

ah, do keep in mind it was just a dream, like that song by R.E.M. 😃

Thank you for saying I'm not dumb. Honestly I don't think of these things. I don't really have that ability. Maybe years ago I did.  Sometimes things just come to me.  Just like on the other community I belong to, so many here speak with a level of intelligence that I just can't understand.  Really makes me feel dumb. Please don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with how you and everyone else thinks and speaks. This very same thing got me in trouble over there. Nobody understood what I was saying. And that just made it worse. Not only did it make me feel even dumber, but made me feel bad too.

So in the end, I was misunderstood and felt so terrible for being the way I am. And I probably shouldn't have said all this, here, too....gonna be in trouble

[Rainagain]

Ah
I just have the normal obvious nightmares, yours do sound worse, if I had them I would feel like my brain had taken me to a new level of unhappiness and i would definitely be indignant about it.

Andyman, I often feel stupid, forgetful, preoccupied etc. I read a post earlier, thought it was insightful and clever, then saw it was one of mine......other posts of mine on here I wonder what the * I was thinking.

Reminds me of a teacher friend years ago, he privately referred to the bottom set science class as 'partially gifted'.

[Andyman73]

Ah
I just have the normal obvious nightmares, yours do sound worse, if I had them I would feel like my brain had taken me to a new level of unhappiness and i would definitely be indignant about it.

Andyman, I often feel stupid, forgetful, preoccupied etc. I read a post earlier, thought it was insightful and clever, then saw it was one of mine......other posts of mine on here I wonder what the * I was thinking.

Reminds me of a teacher friend years ago, he privately referred to the bottom set science class as 'partially gifted'.

I have to say that I don't recall ever reading one of my posts anywhere, and thinking anything like that!  But I do think that is pretty neat to come back later and see one of your posts and think, Wow, look at that, then realize you wrote it.

As for feeling stupid and forgetful...I do suffer moderate to severe memory issues...so that goes without saying...and the other thing...

Partially gifted, huh? I like that! Thanks for sharing that...made me smile! 

[ah]

Andyman,

I felt that way when I read your reply earlier in this thread. It was insightful and clever.

Nightmares related, yeah they're just dreams, problem is these particular dreams are so bad the moment I wake up from one it triggers the WORST loop of EF's I can imagine, it's like the dream is saying: "Look! This is what your abusers are really like, this is them in real life, when they're with anyone else but you. You know how they won't talk to you because they say you're a monster and you're evil and filth? So see, it's the truth. You bring it out of them. When you're away they're normal. Their true self is that they're loving, but for you all that is out of the question."

I have a nice mind, so friendly.

As for writing in a way that can sometimes seem smart, I really hate that about me. It's a curse, earned me no compassion, only bullying, envy, hatred. Being used just to fulfill everyone else's needs. So I say YEURGH to smart, kindness wins me over every time, smart is trouble.

Andyman, thanks for helping me understand my worst nightmares. To me, in that moment you were smart but there's no pressure or anything

Rainagain,
I think I'm indignant at my own mind... crazy thing goes and invents new pain for itself...
And I think your name is my favorite of all the ones I've met here on the forums. Don't know what it means to you but to me it means hope.

[Andyman73]

Andyman,

I felt that way when I read your reply earlier in this thread. It was insightful and clever.

Nightmares related, yeah they're just dreams, problem is these particular dreams are so bad the moment I wake up from one it triggers the WORST loop of EF's I can imagine, it's like the dream is saying: "Look! This is what your abusers are really like, this is them in real life, when they're with anyone else but you. You know how they won't talk to you because they say you're a monster and you're evil and filth? So see, it's the truth. You bring it out of them. When you're away they're normal. Their true self is that they're loving, but for you all that is out of the question."

I have a nice mind, so friendly.

As for writing in a way that can sometimes seem smart, I really hate that about me. It's a curse, earned me no compassion, only bullying, envy, hatred. Being used just to fulfill everyone else's needs. So I say YEURGH to smart, kindness wins me over every time, smart is trouble.

Andyman, thanks for helping me understand my worst nightmares. To me, in that moment you were smart but there's no pressure or anything

Rainagain,
I think I'm indignant at my own mind... crazy thing goes and invents new pain for itself...
And I think your name is my favorite of all the ones I've met here on the forums. Don't know what it means to you but to me it means hope.

I'm honored that my reply reallly hit home for you. Sometimes things get written that just come as my fingers tap the letters. I don't know if this is the same as freewriting. Which I'd like to gry sometime, but am just a little too nervous about what I may end up writing.

Got a question for your silly brain...if they act that way when around AH..then ah can't possibly be the monster...most would be afraid of the monster, and stay away from monster. If they come so close as to hurt friend ah...then, they not afraid of friend ah...ah not scary. They act different around others as to not alert others to their own true monsterous selves.   Silly brain, I think friend ah is worthy of love and compassion and kindness.

Would you be surprised if I told you I was mostly a B+ student in school? Probably could have been all A's but couldn't pay attention longer than 10-12 seconds before mind begins wondering. Still happens today. Even at work...mind is always going off on it's own.  I think my true intelligence only comes out when I don't try to think.

ah..I'm so very very glad to have been able to help you in any manner at all.  No pressure for smarts! 

[Rainagain]

Ah,
I picked my name because I was wracking my brain for a username and looked out the window for inspiration...

Been thinking about your horrible dream, its a really dark twisting to reverse the roles played by your persecutors.

I've had one dream with role reversal so it might be something the brain does for some reason.

As part of the situation which gave me PTSD or cptsd I was helped by a highly skilled person who helped to basically keep me alive against the threats I faced.

In my dream this person was being maltreated by my then employer and I was trying to save him from them, everyone was 'playing' a different role and the real life threat weren't in the dream at all.

Although it was very upsetting as a dream it didn't upset me much when I woke up as me rescuing this person would be like barney rubble trying to rescue the hulk, ludicrous.

Your dream is much more upsetting, its upset me just thinking about it today never mind experiencing it directly, its a really cruel mind trick.

[Kizzie]

my mind keeps showing me imaginary kind versions of my abusers

It sounds like your dreams are quite dark so I'm probably offbase with this, but I actually wondered if it they represent wishes from deep inside for what you never had from your abusers, or even perhaps that you are telling yourself you were/are worthy of being treated much better?     Just what came to me as I was reading so thought I'd throw it out there.

[Andyman73]

Kizzie,
I never thought of that, showing our unknown desires through dreams like the role reversal idea.

I never had any like that, that I can remember.  Even in dreams where I'm the hero or whatever, still end up hurt and destroyed and broken.

[Kizzie]

Just a thought - depends on how dark your dreams felt I guess.  If they had a really sad, empty feeling that might mean it's you acknowledging your deepest wishes.  However, if they were nightmarish as you seemed to indicate, then it could be you cautioning yourself against ever letting your guard down with them (e.g., times when they are nice IRL and you start to doubt your trauma), so you don't end up hurt and broken?     

[ah]

Oh Andyman, I'm so sorry your dreams torture you too! I know it can be completely exhausting. I really dislike nighttime but what you said helped, it helped me see the twist in what my dreams are doing. Thanks 

Kizzie, that's such a different angle on it. I sat here puzzled thinking it through for a few minutes... so... so, in a way, when the mind is taunting us with an impossible need or unfulfilled hope, somewhere in all of that pain there's a healthy, self-protecting, good side of us - self-affirming side, that's saying how it thinks things should be?
That's such a new idea for me, it'll take a lot more digesting.

[Andyman73]

Oh Andyman, I'm so sorry your dreams torture you too! I know it can be completely exhausting. I really dislike nighttime but what you said helped, it helped me see the twist in what my dreams are doing. Thanks 


I know I should sleep more, ah, but after so many years of nightmares and such, it's hard to get to bed a decent hour.