Breaking a trauma bond

[achilles]

If you had a traumatic bond with an abusive individual, how did you break it?  Even after years of no contact, the trauma bond still exists for me, and is why I unfortunately restarted contact.  I'm now working on cutting off this person forever, and I'd like to be free of the trauma bond as well.

[M.R.]

I unfortunately do not have an answer for you. All of my bonds were forceably closed. My father came into the picture again and so did the court system and then my mother disowned me and sent me boxes full of junk papers of me telling her how I would never leave her...to represent the 10 years of my life I lived with her. So I never really had a choice. None of her family even contacts me. Probably believing the lies she's told.

So I hope that some clarity comes to you on how to best address your situation.

Melodie

[sanmagic7]

that trauma bond, as you put it, can be nasty.  i fight against it regularly with people with whom i've gone nc.  it's an ongoing battle, over years and with more than one individual.  i just keep telling myself to remember how bad it was and how there's nothing i can do to make it better.  it's a little easier over time.  i don't know if i can get over it completely.  still a work in progress.  thanks for sharing.  big hug.

[kim8088]

The article (link below) really helped me understand trauma bonding in a new way. It explains why it is so hard to let go of toxic relationships. I have been out of said toxic relationship for almost 20 years and have been no contact with my ex from this relationship for about half of that. I was still struggling with intrusive thoughts about him and our relationship. This article helped me a ton. It explains why it is harder to let go of these kinds of relationships as opposed to healthy relationships.

https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-intermittent-reinforcement-r210/

[Dee]

Welcome Kim and thank you for sharing.

I too have trouble letting go of those relationships.  I too have restarted contact with a person who has abused me., my mother.  I was younger then and desperately wanted a mom.  Now, I'm struggling to let go of something that could never be.

[achilles]

Thank you for your replies.  Kim, thank you for the article on intermittent reinforcement. 

For me, the cycle would go like this: an explosion of abuse, then a silent treatment, then I'd beg him to talk to me, and then we would "make up" - always sexual.  And I knew he would abuse me again, but I kept hoping that *this time* it would be different.  It never was.  I kept looking to him to heal the wounds he himself chose to inflict.  He knew I wanted his affection and kindness, so he withheld them more and more until there was nothing left.  There was no rhyme or reason to his outbursts of rage.  Sometimes he'd be in a generous mood and treat me nice(r), but most of the time he was cruel, and I never knew what I'd get.  The intermittent reinforcement had me hooked.

I'm doing my best to keep enforcing no contact now.  I recognize this all for what it is.  But it's still difficult, and I'm ashamed of that, of the attachment. 

[I like vanilla]

The Spartan Life Coach (Richard Grannon) just posted a video (on Youtube) that touches on this topic. He argues, and I am afraid he is correct, that part of the holding on process is due not just to the repetition pattern - the idea that we enter romantic relationships and even friendships with people that resemble our abusive caregiver in order to try and 'fix' the relationships we had with the caregiver (and we never can succeed) - it is also due to the fact that to stop the hanging on we are forced to admit that our caregiver did not love us in the first place, so the relationship (in real or in replica) cannot be fixed in the second place.

I am finding from personal experience that that has been true for me. Also, while I have been NC with my NM and much of my FOO for years, I do still sometimes want to 'reconnect' with my NM (recognizing that no true connection is possible). Here, it is not a matter of finding a proxy to help 'fix' the relationship but wanting the real-thing (or ironically my illusion of the real thing). That bond is so hard to break. I am finding, however, that the more willing and able I am (and those to conditions do not always coincide) to admit that I was never loved by my NM (and likely not my enabling father either), to feel those horrible feelings of abandonment, anger, loneliness, anger, etc., and to mourn my loss, the more I am able to separate from the abusive people in my life, real or proxies.

Grannon apologizes for being so blunt on the topic, and I apologize too, but really, I think that might be the only key to getting out of trauma bonds.

[Trailblazer]

Vanilla,

I resonated with your post. Facing the reality and the emotions of not being loved by, in my case, uNPD mum/family system. All that comes from that one reality. It was not a family, I was not loved and on top of that, the abuse fed their parasitic nature. I had to sit with all that, cry, scream, mope, trudge, punch pillows, everything. For years. NC, for me, is essential for healing the trauma bond and all that comes with having been raised in a NPD/Sociopathic family system. I don't know if this helps. I hope so.

[Blueberry]

Also, while I have been NC with my NM and much of my FOO for years, I do still sometimes want to 'reconnect' with my NM (recognizing that no true connection is possible). Here, it is not a matter of finding a proxy to help 'fix' the relationship but wanting the real-thing (or ironically my illusion of the real thing). That bond is so hard to break. I am finding, however, that the more willing and able I am (and those to conditions do not always coincide) to admit that I was never loved by my NM (and likely not my enabling father either), to feel those horrible feelings of abandonment, anger, loneliness, anger, etc., and to mourn my loss, the more I am able to separate from the abusive people in my life, real or proxies.

Thank you for being so blunt! I'm still working on letting FOO go i.e. retaining my VVLC status, and not explaining and justifying.