Grieving, verbal ventilation, fully emoting, angering recovery work

[rbswan]

Hi All:

I'm reaching out to the OOTS community to get some feedback from anyone who has done therapy or personal recovery work with grieving.  I started the grieving process about a year ago in group therapy.  It came slow and now I feeling I'm gaining some ground getting in touch with my IC.  He wouldn't come out for the longest time and I'm also seeing some very slight improvement in EFs.  About 4 months ago I found both of Pete Walker's books and use the methods he describes and incorporate them into therapy some and on my own in the safety of my home.  My therapist uses several methods for grieving/inner child/inner critic work.  Some include child tantrum, shin cycle, pacing with verbal ventilation, racket work (angering), affirmation work, nurturing, gestalt, psychodrama, etc. 

I was hoping I could get some insight from the community concerning their journey with the grieving process including struggles, successes and what methods they used.  I still feel I'm early into it and progress is slow.  I'm the only person in my face-to-face recovery community (ACA) that is currently doing experiential therapy or grieving and was hoping to get some insight.  Most of my friends say they admire the work but I can't get the kind of feedback that comes from experience.  Any info much appreciated.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I have been using EMDR for grief and it's worked really well. I was never able to cry and at the death of someone really close I just couldn't accept it and carried on as if they were still alive but I just wasn't part of their life- a coping method. When I saw my therapist she said you have so much grief inside you let's do EMDR which will alleviate the grief. I didn't really think it would work but gave it a go and was amazed that during my first session I was back on that day that she died and all those suppressed feelings came up, I cried a lot, I had a lot of tension and anger in my body which I was also able to process and could physically feel leave my body through hot and cold sensations, a build up of anxiety and quite a lot of shaking, these were all processed and removed. For me the big thing was the crying as I was never comfortable with crying but the tears just spilled out. It took just 2 EMDR sessions and I felt grief free, so much lighter in my head and heart and now I feel so much clearer and better for it. Might be worth you looking into, word of warning though don't do a self administered one and make sure you find a therapist who is fully licensed to carry out the EMDR procedure.

[woodsgnome]

For me, grieving in general has been a part of my being since childhood. While certain events can be dealt with as they come up (deaths, accidents, etc.), this longstanding grief doesn't go anywhere and seems resistant to ever leaving. It's kind of like Walker describes when he writes that healing with cptsd is a lifelong project.

The safest outcome for the general sense of grief seems to be acceptance in lieu of fighting its presence. Regarding it as an enemy to be destroyed at all costs seems only to encourage it. While it can't be wholly eliminated, accepting its presence means that it can be worked with, too. Certain aspects around it, like crying, can be learned as part of the healing, but grief has a way of circling back sometimes. Accepting that, not in the sense of approving it but in knowing it's likely to reveal its presence again, can aid in downplaying the panic that one has to wholly eliminate it.

I was always afraid to deal with aspects like anger. Until I accepted its natural presence as well. Then, like grief, it wasn't so much a struggle against it as learning means to deal with it as is. I did have a hard time understanding anger, was afraid of it. Then found ways to go deeper than just think about it.

Expressing the anger in a tangible form was important for me. How I did that is almost laughable it was so easy--I physically vented. As in--screamed back at the voices I'd hear at night (it helps to live in a distant rural area  ). A few months ago I was part of a 5-day intensive workshop where  I was able to physically pound plastic bats on the floor and vent all I wanted. This happened only after building up lots of trust with the other people in my small group. So I just let go--vented, pounded, and accepted comfort and encouragement from the group--in that sense it was like I was releasing for all of us. Unfortunately I'm not with a group like that very often, hence the personal venting at home.

This sort of cathartic release is frowned upon by some therapeutic approaches as too violent. But it's not directed at people, either. In my case it was those horrible voices, regardless of from where or who they represent. Bottom line, I felt good after, relieved of the interior build-up of anger. Caution though--I tried this once before and it boomeranged as my anger deflected straight back to me.

So this specific approach might not work for everyone; working towards wholeness seems to work in very individual ways. I share it more in the hope of pointing towards the idea that issues like anger can be worked with in tangible forms.

[M.R.]

I have done EMDR, but not for grieving-for flashbacks. And that helped tremendously with those. But as for grieving, I have not gotten to that place yet. So I am not much of a help with it.

Melodie

[rbswan]

Eyessoblue and woodsgnome thank you so so much for your insights and thoughtful replies.  Eyessoblue I have heard of EMDR, mainly from the van der Kolk's book The Body Keeps Score.  It is something I am interested in and appreciate your suggestion about finding a professional licensed to administer it safely.  I've been looking up information on it online and it sounds like it may be a great addition to my existing recovery.

Woodsgnome thank you for sharing your experience with grieving.  I seem to more fully grieve with my Group in Therapy because I have a high level of trust with them.  These are the first people I have ever had trust with when it comes to showing my true grief and there is definitely something powerful about being seen and supported.  When I do it at home, I have to wait for a safe time or grieve quietly as I have kids at home and I don't show the the intense side of my recovery.  When I'm alone at home, I have been able to fully feel and intensely cry or emote for short periods, but I do find that more difficult.  I also have a long commute so I have cried (with sunglasses on  many times on the way home.  I have only done angering during group with a racket, hit flat, on stacked cushions.  My therapist asks me to say words when I do this.  It usually ends in crying, yelling and saying things from my IC - fully emoting. 

Recently, my group had a new member and I have not been able to get the places I did before.  I'm sure it's my little one not trusting and I'm hoping this will change with time.  It's been hard because I do feel some lighter a few days after intense grieving and I have changed my work to gestalt to stay safe.  Anyway, thank you both for giving me some insight and sharing your experience.  It helps so much to know I'm not alone in all of this as most of the reflection I have is in my head.