Rbswan's Journal

[rbswan]

10-15-17 - Work will be challenging the next two weeks.  I have an audit of my department (occurs every 3 years).  It means dealing with authority figures, perfectionism (mainly my own) and criticism.  I'm not so much concerned about the results of the audit.  My main concern is that I am deep in the grieving/realization stage of my recovery (though I know this goes on for a lifetime) and I think I have to stop the grief work until the audit is over in two weeks.  This work has been giving me a lot of relief but I sometimes come to work with puffy eyes or I'm somewhat drained the next day.  I've been grieving several times a week and I fear stopping. 

Also, it now feels sick when I fall into people pleasing mode around authority figures and these are "new" authority figures.  I've decided to set a self care contract and journal nightly on my progress.  After the two weeks is over, I plan on taking a trip for a few days which I will allow whatever emotion that needs to come up surface.  I don't want to make the self care contract "too much" so I came up with a few things I can do each morning and night that I think might help.  Here they are:

Every Morning
--Upon waking - 10 deep breaths
--Mirror affirmations to my inner child - we are safe, we are worthy, we are good enough, we are smart, we are loved, I love you
--Prayer for guidance and kindness to others
--Light breakfast

If Emotional Flashback
--Take a short break - find an empty conference room - breathe and read "getting out of EF list"
--Short stretch and breathing

Morning - one coffee only

Through out the day
--Plenty of water
--Healthy lunch
--Findings are not faults - think this when there is a finding

On the way home - call a recovery friend

After work
--Yoga - 30 min Yin or Gentle Yoga
--Talk to kids
--Talk to wife not about work
--15-20 min meditation
-- Minimum 6 hours of sleep

Let's see how I do.  Remember, it doesn't have to me perfect.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sounds like a good plan, rbswan. Best of luck with it all.

[rbswan]

Thank you!

[rbswan]

10-16-17 - I did ok on the first day of my self care with some setbacks.  I slept ok last night.  I did my 10 deep breaths when I woke up and did my mirror affirmations.  I ate some oatmeal and a banana and said a little prayer on the way to work.  The audit started out fine and then I was called away because of a major miscommunication about the services of a vendor that is scheduled for tomorrow.  My coordinator was in charge of this and seemed confused on how to resolve the issue.  I fell into "care taking" to save the day - I think this was me compensating for my nervous energy and trying to make myself feel better.  I felt a lot of intensity because I took over the situation but it was resolved.  I was pleased that I didn't use anger to stay safe as it was nearly a big issue that could have been avoided.  I felt like I treated my coordinator well in spite of my fear though I'm usually good to my employees.  I drank some water and took a few minutes to breathe and re-joined the auditors.  So far so good. 

Then came the EF, mild at first, and then it gained some strength.  A comment was made about our/my approach to something and it felt like it was condescending.  It may or may not have been as this person has a very "matter of fact" demeanor and reminds me some of my father.  I felt strong shame in my stomach after a few minutes.  I recognized my inner child's panic - "we did bad, we aren't good enough".  I didn't respond immediately and asked if I could think about it for a while and move on to another issue.  The auditor had no problem with this and I tried to focus some on the next thing.  For a while, my focus went in and out.  I would find myself thinking about how embarrassing it was to be wrong instead of the actual issue and I had to focus myself pretty consistently.  Thankfully, I took a break and went to my office and drank some water and said a few affirmations.  When I returned we discussed the issue that triggered me and didn't really agree.  It ended up being a difference of opinion and not a big issue.  In reflection, I have a lot of work to do on perfectionism and worthiness.  I went to lunch with the auditor and we had Pho, food we both love, and it was nice to have something in common.  Small talk was easy as he seemed to do most of the talking.

The rest of the day the auditor went through paperwork and I had some work to catch up on.  I found myself either being extremely perfectionistic about my work or quickly replying to e-mails with not much thought.  Also, by this time I had 3 cups of coffee, which is too much for me.  So I stuffed my feelings some and went into some survival behavior.  At the end of the day the auditor felt we did well overall but I felt a little sick.  Also, I wore the old familiar "work mask" and it seemed that no one noticed my inner turmoil.  On the way home I didn't listen to music or an audiobook and tried to just breathe easily.  I cried a bit.  After writing this, I'm heading to my Group Therapy to process this and then will do my yoga and go to bed.

[rbswan]

10-17-17 - My alarm didn't seem to "snooze" so I woke up late.  I handled this ok, didn't get angry or feel excessive shame, but it was a close call getting to work on time and gave me little time to get settled in.  I did eat my banana on the way in, breathe and said a little prayer.  It was a very intense day internally and I didn't eat lunch until later in the day but it was healthy.  This is harder than I thought and I'm fighting my inner critic a lot.  It feels like self care is unravelling and I'm succumbing to perfectionism.  I cried on the way home again but it was release of anxiety and kind of felt good.  I am practicing some self care and that is different than it was a few years ago.  I did a Yin Yoga session tonight and haven't skipped my journalling.  I'll take any progress at this point.

I had a really good group therapy session last night.  It was mainly around trusting the group and myself.  I feel trust and connection in this group, really the only place I do feel those things.  I'm grateful I started that process.  A few years ago I didn't believe in a lot of the things that are giving me some recovery.  Every session is breaking the family rules of don't talk, don't trust and don't feel.  I'm also grateful of OOTS even if it's just being able to type my truth.  Thanks to all the brave people who give me inspiration.

[sanmagic7]

rb, i give you so much credit for what you plan for yourself, the positives you're putting in place for you throughout the day.  even if it isn't perfect, it's something tangible to strive for, and i do believe that counts.  there are too many complications both within and outside of us that will do their best to sabotage our plans, but having goals such as you wrote gives focus and motivation.

i think it's pretty common to revert to old behaviors in times of stress, and i believe that one of the most important things we can learn is to have patience with ourselves.  we won't do all of this just right all the time, but as long as we keep moving, we will improve. 

sending you a hug filled with ongoing encouragement.

[rbswan]

Thank you so much sanmagic for the encouraging words, it really helps to be heard.  It was another long day but I'm getting through each one.  Too tired to journal today.   

[rbswan]

10-19-17 - Today I was productive at work, which doesn't mean that it was a good day.  I'm in "excessive busyness" mode at work because of all that's going on (audit, authority figures, corporate hoo ha, etc.).  My self care during work has taken a back seat to some frantic energy and it drains me.  I feel like an alien trying to pass off as a human. 

I think I have to face that I will be going through this until next Friday.  I'm worried that I will spiral to the depths again.  What is really hard is the "stuffing feelings" during work.  I'm so amped up after work that I can't feel them until I it's time for me to go to bed and then I can't get to sleep.  Tonight I've set aside time for yoga which is good.  Also, I'm still doing my morning breathing, affirmations and prayers and telling my inner child that we are safe.  It helps.

Tomorrow will be very busy with driving in traffic to three different places.  I'm taking time off the first week of November.  I think I'll go somewhere near the water and spend a week grieving.  It might sound weird, but that sounds pretty good to me right now.  Since I started the grieving process, it feels uncomfortable to stop, even temporarily, since it's obvious to me I have so much suppressed despair, anger and fear.  Stopping all together wasn't really the plan but I can't come in to work drained at this time.  I'm just figuring this stuff out anyway and probably don't know what I'm doing.  It's a process, I know, and there are seasons, I know, but this will test me for sure.  I've never been cut out, internally, for the corporate world.  What sucks, to me, is that I'm good at my job.  That sounds weird too, I know, but I'm down and feeling pretty disassociated.  I'm glad I can journal and that there is some awareness.   I'm glad I'm here.  I'm glad I'm not alone in this stuff.  I'm glad I still have hope.

[sanmagic7]

i am glad for all those things for you, too, rb. 

actually, i didn't think any of that was weird.  setting time aside for grieving - i get that.  we can only do what we can do in our everyday world, and it doesn't always leave time or energy for personal/emotional upheaval.  in fact, i think it's a wonderful idea.  you'll be in a place you enjoy, you'll be able to take your time, you'll be able to go at your pace in your own space.  all in all, it sounds like a great plan to me.

i've been good at jobs that i didn't enjoy, so i get that, too.  once again, we do what we can and what's necessary.  i think you're doing pretty great with all this.  i do hate when i'm not able to process my emotions from the day until bedtime.  it's the only time of the day i'm still enough to do so sometimes. 

i encourage you to keep going.   you'll find your balance eventually.  sending a hug filled with support and love.

[rbswan]

Thank you so much for the encouragement and identification sanmagic, it feels good to be heard.  I am very much looking forward to my time off and, hopefully, walking through the fear and triggering situations with some growth.   

[rbswan]

10-28-17 - The work audit ended yesterday.  It went well from a results standpoint.  It was a hard week.  I seemed to disassociate a lot if I wasn't hyper focused on the task at hand.  The result to my inner life was a massive amount of stuffing feelings with constant obsession.  Though I think I "looked" good, and truly did well, I feel very disconnected to myself.  Prior to last week I had been working pretty diligently on getting into my body and feeling my feelings.  One week, and I feel like I'm back to being numb but for the "ball of something" in my stomach.  I remember this "ball" but it used to hurt more - I guess I can be grateful that it's not as intense as it used to be.  Friday ended with a bunch of accolades and "pats on the back" from my boss and team members.  I didn't feel anything, it didn't mean anything to me.  There is a disconnect with people.  I can act engaged and present at work but it's like I flip a switch and can be that person.  It's not me.  It's not that I don't like these people, it's that I don't let anyone really know me.  I feel as isolated as ever, just more aware of the isolation.  The fact that it is self imposed, but occurs anyway, is going to make me really sad again once I can start feeling again.  Ug.

So I had this self care stuff that I set in place and did pretty well at the beginning of the week.  As the week went on and the work got more intense, I found it difficult to do anything but think about work, work, and sleep.  Today, Saturday, I slept in some but woke up with that numb feeling and it stayed most of the day.  I went to a recovery meeting and I felt the same.  None of my inner circle were there and I stayed pretty distant.  I have my therapy group on Monday.  I will talk about this and ask for a suggestion on work to get me back into my feelings.  I know I have to grieve again but I don't want to.  Willingness has always been my strongest attribute in my recovery process and I feel like it's slipped away some.  I really don't think it's permanent but I'm worried that I'll start in on process addictions if I don't be careful.  Getting this out is a good step.  Going to therapy on Monday will help too.  I'm dreading work.  I wish I could/would connect with people.  I'm lonely and feeling the old familiar abandonment - it's self abandonment I'm sure.  This is the step back part I guess.  I'm glad I wrote this.  I'll watch a sad movie later maybe.  That sounds weird but it helps me move feelings around sometimes.  Yeah.

[Three Roses]

I don't think it sounds weird at all. A sad movie can help me get better in touch with sad or lonely feelings.

[rbswan]

10-30-17 - I had my Group Therapy tonight after missing last week and I'm so grateful I went.  I've been pretty numb and have had a hard time concentrating.  I started with a talk piece and discussed my stuffing feelings, numbing out and disassociation.  My T suggested pacing and verbalizing - just letting what came out come out.  I did and it started as mild annoyance and then some anger and just a bit of sadness.  As soon as I felt sad I stopped and said I wanted to stop.  Then my T suggested nurture.  I said no - this really scared me because I haven't been able to accept nurture in Group yet.  The whole group gently encouraged it and I ended up giving in.  After a few minutes of accepting nurture I started to cry and then deeply grieve.  It was good and hard and frightening.  I had to fight the urge to pull away as nurture doesn't feel right.  I stayed with it and felt like I got a lot of stuck feelings out.  I felt lighter but out of it after the meeting. 

My group members and T are amazing.  I've been with them for quite a while now and they are really the only people I trust (in person) to express my childhood stuff and to witness my grief, anger and emotion.  I'm glad I didn't skip group because I really did consider it.  The scary thing is I was only gone one week.  It's just that the week was harder than I thought and shows I still have so much recovery to do.  I'm going to try and grieve and meditate as much as I can this week.  I'm thankful I have this forum to get support as well.

[sanmagic7]

wow - what a wonderful experience for you.  and kudos that you didn't run from the nurture but allowed it.  what a huge step forward that is.

the people there sound great, too.  as well as the t.  i admire her for giving you that little extra push that you needed.  that's the kind of t that i appreciate, because sometimes i need that 'push' that i hesitate to give myself.  too many group leaders will shy away from that. i'm just glad yours didn't.

sounds like a great place to continue being part of.    well done.  big hug.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there, rbswan.

It's great that you were able to grieve back then. It takes courage to share your story here. I wish I could do that to a whole group of people.

Crying is often seen as weak, yet it is what is often needed to release the stresses in life. I've had a good cry a few days ago myself. Tears flowing. Snot. Coughing from hyperventilating. Shaking. It felt terrible. But it felt like a whole weight on my shoulders was lifted. 

Interesting how that works, huh? See ya around rbswan.