New understanding, asking for advice

[ah]

I'm pretty triggered so I'm sorry this won't be 100% coherent. Having a bit of trouble thinking straight.

So, I think I wrote somewhere else here on the forums that I have to live with one of my past abusers. It's... I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I've improved at setting boundaries but when I'm triggered on the spot boundaries are useless, they're not fast enough.

Just now I noticed a whole sequence of Trigger -> flashback (with all its physical and mental fun...) -> severe anxiety -> fight -> despair going on inside me. So it was really a revelation, I never saw it so clearly before. But it was also horrible because it happens daily and I feel so helpless, how do you stop it???

What happened was this person just sighed. Sounds innocuous enough, right? But to me this person's sighs are unbearable. (They love sighing too, "bless" them) The reason why it's such a bad thing for me is below, *really* triggering so I'll separate it:

.
..
...

-*Triggering*-:

This person is one of my parents. When I was small they strangled me almost to death, I lost consciousness for half an hour. From my point of view I was dead, I had experienced dying and when I woke up, alone, I experienced one of the worst mental "splits" in my life. Everyone in the house pretended nothing had happened. After all, it's perfectly normal for a kid to be lying on the kitchen floor seemingly dead for a while, right? Best to just walk away, do some gardening, maybe read a good novel before dinner. Sadly for me, I have a far too vivid memory of it. I often wished I could be spared from it by dissociation, but no, my brain wasn't that kind. So anything that reminds me of choking makes me suffer: scarves, coughing, throwing up, and of course when it's hard to breathe for me or for anyone else. And sighing. This person sighing really heavily like they're out of air just drives me crazy.

-*End of triggering stuff*-

...
..
.

Sorry it's so triggering and bad. Honest, some self hatred, but also... just... yikes. I feel awful anyone else has to be exposed to it just by reading it.

In the past I'd be totally blind to what just happened. I'd just suddenly feel horrible, fly into a silent rage, then self harm... hate myself for having no control over myself, felt like a crazy freak. But today, for the first time I could see what was happening. So none of that happened. Instead I thought "Oh no... I've just been triggered." I realized I was instantly re-living a past experience, as the person who hurt me then was in the room now in the present. I was immobilized again. I relived it all, fully. That was so unbearable my mind instantly ran away from it to rage and anxiety and self hatred and feeling I'm about to go crazy, because the pressure is too great.

This all went on inside me, with no external sign. I can't show external signs. There's no point in saying anything to the other person. I've tried in the past. The response is just a really miserable "But what did I do this time???" and often an added "Stop attacking me!" so I don't talk. I grit my teeth and try to breathe and suffer in silence, alone as usual. What I just did was walk away to another room, and physically, literally grit my teeth waiting for the other person to go away before returning. I couldn't think of anything else to do. Felt completely helpless, just tried to breathe.

A part of me, the part that can look empathically at the horribly big picture of abuse going on from generation to generation, can sort of understand them. They were severely abused by psychopathic parents, then married to a sadistic psychopath. I can feel disgusted by their lack of responsibility but ah well, I know them well and that's who they are. As usual for them, they have no memory of such events. They barely remember being abused, so abusing? Nah. Blissfully, for them, dissociation worked perfectly. Figures. Nature pitied them but not me.

I can't get away from this person, and if I'm unkind they treat me like I'm their abuser. (!!!) So I'm in a tight spot. I have a severe physical disability, I'm helpless. I have no other support system. My psychopathic parent made sure they all were convinced I'm nuts and got rid of me, and other psychopaths I met along the way in my life made sure the news spread everywhere.

So I'm trying to survive these experiences. I'd appreciate all and any advice you can give me. Insight, too. I'm trying to find some on my own but none comes.

[Three Roses]

 
Well, first off, it's completely coherent. Secondly, I read your whole post and I'm not triggered. Isn't it strange how we find comfort in the backgrounds we share? Or maybe it isn't so strange. The world at large doesn't like talking or hearing about it, so we stuff it all in, and it sure feels good to be able to talk about it here.

I know that feeling of ... I don't even know what to call it. It's horrendous to live through something and then have everyone pretend it didn't happen. Makes you feel less than unimportant, invisible.

When I'm triggered, it helps to take a walk. You mention a disability and so I'm not sure walking is an option for you. Saying out loud, "I am triggered" helps a lot. I think it must move the experience to a different part of the brain? Not sure about that. Handwriting about your current sensations might be helpful, too.

I have a kind of mantra, "It is now, I am here, I am safe." It's very helpful when I'm feeling small, alone, vulnerable or threatened. It's a reminder that I am in the current time and place, and that I have options and resources available to me that I didn't when I was small.

When triggered into remembering not being able to breathe, I take deep breaths, and run a sort of mental diagnostic on my body where I review each muscle group from head to toe and tell them to relax. I may have to stay in this "review" for a while before I can get the muscles to relax and stay relaxed. Breathing in to a count of 4 and breathing out to a count of 6 sends signals to the brain that it is time to relax, and that's helpful too. (Longer exhalation than inhalation is the key. The count doesn't matter, could be in 6 and out 8, or in 3 and out 5, whatever works for you and your body.)

I'm sorry you're in the position you are. We are here to listen, and validate you and your experiences. I am not able to put into words how strongly I feel for you and your situation, your flashbacks and the treatment you've endured. Hang tough, fellow survivor. 

[Sceal]

Three Roses says a lot of important things. And I totally agree!

My psychologist recommended a book for me (unfortunatedly it's not in English), written by two trauma psychologists about selfcompassion and recovering from trauma. It is filled with lots of knowledge but also it has a big section about mindfulness excersises. The most common and easiest for "everyone" to use is to use breathing. But the book says that for some trauma patients the breathing-excersises might be triggering - maybe they are that for you? There is another one you could try and it's similar to what Three Roses does. It's to tense up spesific muscle groups one at a time and then relaxe them. Like, first the hands, then the arms, then the upper arms, then the shoulders. It's the tense-and-release that's important. I can't remember why.

But also, I want to add one thing. The fact that you noticed that you were triggered. You understood what was going on and where it came from when it happend. That alone is HUGE. It is a first step! And a big one at that. Leaving the room to deal with it in private is also another BIG step.
Don't give up.

[ah]

Yikes!!! I'm so sorry. Not kidding. Just had time to re-read my post and I'm **horrified** at how insanely distant I was when I wrote it. I actually called my mother "the person". Ahhhh!
What a joke.

Anyway.
I think I fool even myself. Me and hiding behind words... I'd cry bitter tears right now if I knew how to cry. I've never been able to cry though. When people do it I look at them with amazement like they're aliens.
My mother once told me "you were such a good natured baby, you never cried." Good? No. Just... totally distanced from myself from day one.

Three Roses... what a weird world this is, where unhappiness feels familiar. I know what you mean. Sigh.
Thanks... I'm 100% with you on being able to speak.
Reading what you said I thought you're so right. So absolutely right. I probably remember that particular day just because I had two friends over, so I talked about it. Even though they didn't believe a word I said, they ran out of the room (the gall of some abusive parents, to be abusive when guests are staying over. The nerve   ) but somehow just saying it out loud made it real. Other times that the exact same thing happened just blended into one another. I don't remember, I just know they were there. I'm grateful I don't remember.
But then I also don't remember to be nearer to myself either. I'm a bl**dy robot!

Sigh.

Sceal, thanks so much. I didn't realize I was doing something good, thought I was just running away like always.

Maybe one day I'll be a real person.

[Sceal]

Sceal, thanks so much. I didn't realize I was doing something good, thought I was just running away like always.

Maybe one day I'll be a real person.

Sometimes the best thing you can do, is to get away from the situation. When emotions are too intense, too high to deal with - then you first need to try and manage those before you do anything else. And stepping away from the triggering situation is the first kind of emotional first aid you can do. (The tricky part will be when you are trying to balance when to get away. When you should allow your self to feel, and let the feelings pass through you. But that is at a much later stage!)

And you are a real person. You are you, and you are here. You have deep injuries that you need to heal from, but that doesn't mean you're not a real person. You are, and you are Worth it. You really are valuable.

[Blueberry]

Just had time to re-read my post and I'm **horrified** at how insanely distant I was when I wrote it. I actually called my mother "the person".

I'm not sure here if you mean you really are horrified or if ** means you're joking, but my first impulse was to understand at face value. So I'm responding with that in mind. No need to be horrified about referring to your M as "the person" - that didn't strike me as odd at all when I read what you wrote. In fact it could be a self-protective measure. This creating distance. I'm horrified at what was done to you. That poor little child who was you.

I also want to say - I agree with others that your post wasn't incoherent! maybe FOO made you believe you couldn't write properly or something. Our dysfunctional, messed up FOOs do that. Doesn't mean it's correct though.

Also want to reassure you that I wasn't triggered by what you wrote, because my own experiences, my own traumas, were totally different. But I do get triggered by seemingly innocuous things, including particular words and yes, even sighs. Yes, so please don't feel awful for exposing us to the torture you went through as a child. You had the Trigger Warning in place, and if for some reason you posted too many graphic details, the moderators would alter your post. ThreeRoses didn't though, so you're fine. You have just as much right to describe what happened to you as anybody else on here.

[ah]

First, thanks so much for the understanding. It means a lot to me.
And I'll try all the suggestions.

Sceal,
What you wrote is like healing medicine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Breathing is triggering for me for sure. I noticed it in the past but never made the connection before, thanks!
So I guess I'm triggered all the time The sound of my own breath inside my windpipe makes me feel ill. It's a bit torturous. I don't know how to even imagine what it would be like to just breathe without thinking about it.

It's hard because I have to be around the person who did this. It's like it... never... ends. Just never stops. I'll be going through it every day, for the rest of my life.
Oh the joy...

Blueberry,
Thanks - yes, I was serious. Totally. For some reason the emojis won't work on my computer () so I have to improvise with ** and weird things for now. I can only use or because I can type them. Anything more complex and it's beyond me. Erm, literally.
I feel like I so often give the wrong impression because I like words, so it can seem like I'm on top of things. I'm not, I'm a mumbling mess in my head, but on the outside I don't have the luxury of being authentic. Gosh, being emotional or incoherent would earn me hours and hours of torture as a kid and now, as an adult, if I'm authentic I'm seen as an abuser and a bad person. I'd say I hate my life but that would be understating it.

So I often feel like I habitually just hide behind words like a shield... and become even more invisible than ever.

Hope this makes sense. I'm not sure it makes perfect sense to me yet.

[ah]

Haaah!  3 question marks worked too! Yippie! Let me try again:





Weird computer. Has moods...

[Sceal]

  Happy that I could help