Letter to a friend

[Blueberry]

Dear S.,

You wondered why I haven't contacted you recently, you even wondered if you'd done or said something unknowingly. Yes. That is it. I'm going to write it here in this letter that I won't send you and that you won't ever see. The anger that will be evident here is not all due to you, but you're triggering it with your behaviour. I value our friendship to some degree. I do have better friends, longer-term friends who also don't trigger me so much, but I don't want to throw everybody overboard who trigger(s) me sometimes either.

So what did you say? When I told you what that therapist you like so much did to me in the clinic, you took his part and you explained to me what you would have done in my situation. I hadn't actually asked you what you would have done. I was explaining what he did to me, which was massively triggering. You weren't even there!! But he's one of your favourite therapists, so 'obviously' I was at fault. This makes me so angry! But no, you said, you didn't tell me how I should have acted, you merely told me how you would have acted. I didn't ask you! Maybe you could just listen and say nothing! Even W., who's a fan of your fave therapist too, told you in my hearing that she didn't know what had got into this therapist that day and why he went for me in that manner. She was there, you weren't, but still you knew better. Do I go around telling you how to defend yourself in the presence of men? Or wonder out loud why you didn't manage? Or tell you when I did manage? NO. Because I know that that's your major trauma. Well, my major trauma is emotional, makes defending myself in a verbal dispute exceedingly difficult. If you can't be validating at all, then please just say nothing. 

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More of a vent than anything else, but I need a place for that too.  While I was out on my bike today, pounding the pedals up and down what I wanted to say was so clear and going on in my head. Not ruminating, just finally coming out, but it seems too early to write.
[Having written this here, I was able to continue writing the 'letter', see below.]
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I actually used to like and respect this therapist too, but I can't after what he did to me. FYI my GP helped me recover some stability by suggesting I make a symbol for each topic that was triggered by this T during that ordeal and then shut these symbols in a box. It worked too. Guess how many symbols? 15. You still want to defend a trauma-informed therapist who triggered fifteen different topics in a patient with C-PTSD (and in the trauma group) within the space of 10 minutes?? ?? "I'm not defending him, I'm just saying what I would've done in the situation." What you would have done is irrelevant. He decided to have a go at me, not anybody else. He wouldn't let go, and he wouldn't stop. So he had some purpose in mind, but God knows what it was. Recently I had an inkling of what it might have been, through something that came up in outpatient therapy. Three years later. The inkling disappeared again quickly though, meaning it was too early to remain up front. Which means it was definitely too early 3 years ago.

You mean well, I guess, but you're trying to act like a therapist towards me, and not a good one either. My present therapist waits till I signal that I'm ready for new 'topics'. He doesn't drop 5 different ones on me like a ton of bricks, or ask stupid questions, like "Why can't you act differently??"  You remind me of so many people in the past, including members of FOO, who always 'knew' better than I did about how I should be acting, and when and why. You even asked about a year ago how on earth I managed to stay in contact with FOO - rather ironic, considering you act like them in this respect.

[Blueberry]

Well, since this friend spoke on my answering machine today, I've just sent off an email but not what I wrote up above. I decided that among other things I just didn't want to go back into the anger. I agree with her that she had done/said stuff "unknowingly", that we'd talked about it before, that she hadn't understood and I saw no reason to repeat.

That's basically what I need to tell my F too. Haven't done so yet. If this friend knew that, she'd probably be pretty peeved. See, she has CPTSD too. How could I compare her behaviour to that of an enabler?? Because she was excusing (and therefore underhandedly enabling) a therapist in his treatment of me. If only she'd just kept her mouth shut. But no, she had to go excusing the therapist and then on to blaming me for not being able to stand up for myself. I don't think the T wanted me to stand up for myself. I did actually, but he mowed me down anyway. Which just made everything worse and triggered about 15 topics instead of maybe 5-6. Which would have been too many as well IMHO.

Unfortunately that particular inpatient place is not the kind where the therapy would lead patients to question why a whole group needs to stand up for a therapist versus a patient. I didn't need them on my side, but the therapist certainly shouldn't have needed the other patients on his side either. This 'friend' of mine wasn't even there, but still knew how I should have acted.

Last night I thought about sending this 'friend' an email, but then didn't. I was so angry about all the topics involved and also about the recent email from enabling F that I couldn't sleep. It's the same topic: standing up for myself versus somebody who is protecting somebody else.

[Blueberry]

I finally looked at this friend's email reply. It's similar to the things FOO says: she doesn't want to have to 'always' be so careful and be walking on eggshells around me.

And basically says "Bye". I think I'm going to leave it that way. I don't really feel anything. I know it isn't uncommon to have contact with people I knew from inpatient places slowly peter out or go out with a bit of a bang. Although there are a couple of friends I've been in contact with for years. I guess the difference is that we listen to each other when there's a problem between us.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Big hugs to you. 

[Blueberry]

A couple of days ago I actually decided to reply to her email.

It was a good learning exercise in why I should leave things be and not stir things up again.

Her reply, which came yesterday, included things like "I hope you finally manage to heal but I think it's very unlikely." And quite frankly, that makes me laugh. I can't help it - that's just my spontaneous reaction, again and again. 

On a more serious note though, this helps me understand why Ts have always said to me "Great that you wrote that letter to FOO, but don't send it, you're making yourself too vulnerable." When people feel criticised, misunderstood, targetted, they might just lash out with hurtful words. Am I in a position where I can hear/read these without being triggered and hurt again by these people? In the case of this friend, I was, but it sounds as if she wasn't. But in the case of FOO I wouldn't be. If I were to write something 'dumb'  to FOO like "you guys are so dysfunctional", it is possible that they would also just laugh, and even though I wouldn't necessarily hear about that (though Flying Monkeys and Triangulation are biiiig in my FOO), knowing that that might be their response along with taking me even less seriously than before - well, that wouldn't help my position in FOO one bit! So much better to stick to setting limits in one-liners and otherwise Medium Chill in written correspondence.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Ah dear, Blueberry, I'm so sorry to hear about all this mess. :S I would be pretty furious in your position as well. Curious question, are you still friends with this person and wish to continue that relationship? Or are things kind of on edge at the moment and you're looking to get out of it all?

"I hope you finally manage to heal but I think it's very unlikely."

This struck a little string in my heart, almost exactly what someone else said to me once. "I don't think you're ever going to get better". This was coming from a 'friend', and I was severely hurt by this.  I really wish you well in all this. It sounds so difficult.

[Blueberry]

Actually the bit with my 'friend' is not that bad for me at all AphoticAtramentous. As I say my spontaneous reaction to those words of wisdom on the unlikeliness of me healing is: laughter. Not just once, but whenever I think of it. Hahaha heeheehee    I don't even feel any tears or other form of sadness behind the laughter - I've explored that too, knowing the laughter could be covering something up.

There have been many periods in my life when i would have been deeply hurt by this, devastated even. So I can really empathise with your hurt feelings and I'm so sorry that a 'friend' did that to you too. 

Now I can let this 'friend' go. I'm out of it completely. There are different degrees of friendship. After inpatient therapy, of which I've done a lot, you keep in contact with a number of people and bit by bit you contact each other less, let each other go, get on with your RL. The really good friends from these phases stay with you. If you set a boundary and they can handle it or they set one and I can handle it - that's a test of friendship. This 'friend' can't, apparently. And instead of looking at what her part of the story might be, she's spewing that all over me and telling me with my behaviour I'll never have any friendships, and that it's all my fault. And it's just not touching me anymore! Like water off a duck's back. This is progress, huge progress for me.     My T said this would come 'some time'. We've been working on me getting brave enough to set limits in friendships (not to mention in FOO of course) and with clients.

My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably. That makes total sense but it's very difficult for me and has set off this whole chain of events.

[Three Roses]

  Blueberry! Progress!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Well it's really nice that you can just laugh at this stuff and push the negativity aside. I hope to have your strength someday.

[Blueberry]

I hope to have your strength someday.

Well, that's very nice of you to say  You've got strength too, shows in other ways like through your creativity. This strength you see in me, it is very new, and a couple of weeks ago I wouldn't have believed it would be there by now. So someday for you too 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there Blueberry.

I admire how you're able to leave your "friend" like that. Many of us have problems with not being able to feel enough anger to stand up for ourselves but you're able to do so. Some people just don't have a deserving place in our lives and it's wonderful to acknowledge that. I've had years of letting things like that happen to me so your striking courage here looks amazing to me.

Well, take care Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably. That makes total sense but it's very difficult for me and has set off this whole chain of events.

Oh dear, there's another instance of this going on. Where there's something I really should say to a friend. This speaking up when realising there's a problem developing. This is still soooo hard for me. Due to FOO's conditioning. I 'need' to be grateful that I have any friends combined with 'my friends are all losers and weird like me anyway and if I had good ones the way FOO members do, this would never happen. No need for conflict or speaking up' 

It's another instance of a friend telling me to keep quiet because my conversation is triggering her or too exhausting but she's allowed to talk however much she wants and I allow her to. Though I didn't phone conversation before last! It just kind of feels like that, because I often used to. I said I was getting tired (true) and we should end the conversation. She hadn't wanted a long one anyway, she said so at the beginning. But once she got in her stride of detailing what she'd been up to, she wanted to continue, because it gave her energy, but I guess she didn't want to hear anything from me in case exhausting and not upbeat. It wouldn't have been especially upbeat so I remained silent. But hearing about her exploits was exhausting me. I didn't tell her that.

This is somebody I consider a good friend, but I think I've been allowing her to define too much of our friendship for a good while, allowing her to take an upper hand too much. Even the word "bulldozed" is coming to mind. Though really it's members of FOO who do that. This is a friend I can speak up about things in our friendship with, but it still takes quite a lot out of me. I have to summon up quite a lot of courage. Whereas she doesn't seem to have so much problem with "You know that last conversation? You really triggered me with last comment. Sent me spinning. Then my B phoned, and it got even worse." I do manage to say "That problem with your B? Nothing to do with me. I didn't trigger that. Please discuss with him, not with me."

Then I hear those FOO voices about this is all just because I'm such a loser. But it's not. It's because I'm learning far later than should be the case how to navigate friendships, how to stand up for myself, when and where to do so, and when to let things go and know they won't happen again that way, that it was just a one-off. 

[Blueberry]

This friend spoke on my voice mail this morning. I'm glad I let it go onto voice mail. I feel annoyance. Last phone call she more or less dictated what we were going to talk about (nothing deep or heavy) and for how long (just a very, very quick call to say how she was doing), but once she got into her stride, I actually ended the call and she wasn't very happy about that, because her own talk was doing her good. But not me. I got super-tired all of a sudden which is an EF sign. No big surprise, she was talking and laughing about minor flirting with a couple of men. I can't flirt. I have no idea how and anyway it seems incredibly dangerous to me in more ways than what might be obvious.

And now this morning voice mail where I can tell she's in a bad way so then it's OK to go into that on my voice mail in detail?? I put the phone down.    for me. I don't have to listen to that. Or I can listen to it later when I have time and more importantly the energy for it.

My friend says from time to time how grateful she is that she can tell me anything. Just recently I managed to say "not everything, that doesn't always work for me", which she did acknowledge. The problem is, she says, she can't tell all her other friends anything and everything. But that's not my fault. Just because I can tell more friends than her what's going on in little snippets, doesn't mean I can or should carry her burdens. Give and take. My other friends also tell me what's going on in their lives and it isn'T always success and happy times either.

I actually owe her a letter big time because her mother passed away about a month ago. But somehow I can't. Or I don't get round to it. Not uncommon for me. There are a number of other missives I ought to be getting ready for and into the post...

So atm I'm just writing here to help sort out my thoughts and to get a little of my annoyance on paper.

[Hope67]

  to you Blueberry.  I think that negotiating things relating to friendships is challenging, and I'd like to wish you the best in venting your feelings here, and also considering what you want in all of this. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for responding Hope!  It feels good to be acknowledged with these sorts of problems too. You know, compared to some problems people write about on the forum, challenges in friendships aren't the most devastating or difficult. But they're still there, to be dealt with bit by bit.

They are real for me too, since e.g. in this case I've been getting EF-y the last while.