thoughts on #metoo *triggers*

[Phoebes]

The thought occurred to me to post #metoo, as it would apply. But, the thought of posting it really does not even scratch the surface of what I went through. Sure, I was molested by multiple people, a family member, a bus driver, a teacher, a family friend. But it seems more of a symptom of the bigger problem. Not being allowed to say no, not believed when I told, not protected, not being asked, being threatened if I "caused problems", being told not to "provoke", being threatened if I even become "involved" with someone at an early age, being accused of having an affair when I was 16(by uNm). (I was NOT having an affair, btw, but when it came to light who he was having an affair with, no apology whatsoever from uNm who berated me, but I digress).

I rarely understood what was being said or implied. It just felt like shame, my responsibility and my fault if anything "happened." And when things happened, I was so confused. I 100% thought it was my fault. But none of that would have been the case if uNm hadn't been the main shamer. The main sadistic controller of my life, constantly threatening me, shaming me, belittling me. I was a target for a reason. And on top of that, I was HER target. There were times where I would be molested, or told a creepy comment or something that was upsetting at school, and come home upset and quiet, and because I didn't IMMEDIATELY speak upon request by my uNm, I was punished. Spanked or sent to my room for being disrespectful. I am realizing she took pleasure in knowing I was down and didn't care why!

Since uNm told me in our final conversation if I was molested it was my own fault, and gaslighted my experience, and has a fantasy version of how she protected me, AND was the CAUSE of my being unable to say no to perpetrators. I wonder if she thinks ANYthing of the current issues. I wonder if that might ring a bell.

I imagine she does not even relate it to what I went through or what she said. Does she blame all of these women for what they went through? Probably not. Now people are saying they didn't actually have an experience, but just the threat, the having to worry about safety, is enough to warrant a #metoo. Who would ever think a person has the right to not feel threatened? What a concept. But for this reason, I feel like if I said #metoo it would be minimizing the gravity of my experience. To me, molestation was just a symptom of the wrath of my mother.

[Three Roses]

I also felt a little invalidated when it popped up on my feed. I think it's great for the awareness of what we women go thru and it's also great that some men are saying, "me too" and spreading the awareness even further.

But I wasn't threatened, or pinched, or catcalled, or propositioned. #Metoo doesn't even begin to cover it.

[Dee]

I was taken back by how timely your post is for me.  I can identify.  I spent my last therapy session talking about my mother.  I often feel more pain and anger when it comes to her than I do about my abuser.

My mom blamed me.  She didn't come outright and say it, but she was angry. 

TW - I even got in trouble for having messy underwear when I was young.  I tried to hide them, but she went through my closet always looking for evidence of my wrong doing.  If I wrote anything, she would read it.  I use to write poems, memorize them, then tear them up and flush them down the toilet so she couldn't find them.

My therapist spent a portion of my last session telling me that what my abuser did was even worse.  I don't always feel that way.  My abuser, though abusive was also nice to me.  He defended me when my mother would pick on me. 

My mom taught me that children had no rights, to always do as you are told, never talk back, be obedient.  I taught my children that they have a voice.

[ah]

Hi Phoebes,

Me too. Every time I was hurt by someone it was a manifestation of my father's sadism. When my mother abused me, too, he was pulling the strings. When others continued it I was by then conditioned to accept it blindly. I'm looking at #metoo and thinking "Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet..." and I really feel conflicted about it because yeah, it's amazing, it raises awareness - but it still leaves the worst still hidden from view, still nonexistent in our society.
I hope someone out there will be courageous and be able use it to talk about it too. Even if at first the world at large will say "No way... there are no such things."

Dee,

I don't know if this is a sentiment anyone else would agree with but I find emotional abuse the worst. I went through literally everything and I feel emotional abuse is so insidious in its invisibility, it maims the soul beyond anything else I've experienced. And what your mother did was emotional abuse at its "best".

I recognize the things you mention, my psychopathic father did them too. Going through everyone's things, taunting people with personal information. You're a separate person from her. My father used to tell me I'm "his extension", that I didn't exist without him, so had no rights.

But you did, and you do, and what she did was horrifying. I feel that's one of the worst things people can do to one another, because it primes us and conditions us for every possible type of abuse by killing our sense of self. By making sure we had no voice. I'm with you and I hear you loud and clear.