Sex in my marriage possible Trigger warning

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Eyessoblue

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Sex in my marriage possible Trigger warning
« on: October 18, 2017, 05:42:10 PM »
This is a really tricky subject and I hate talking about it but as you are all anonymous I feel safe doing so. Iíve been married for 30 years canít believe itís been that long! If I donít have sex with my husband on a daily basis he gets very mentally cruel calls me all the names he can think of mutters a lot under his breath so I canít hear him then gets really mentally angry. Iíve worked out that heís feeling rejected and has a lot of rejection issues in his life always has done but Iíve only just realised. Due to all the abuse in my life I find sex sometimes feeling like Iím being abused again and canít hack it but feel I have to do it to keep him happy. This is totally messing with my head and I really donít know what to do about it. Any advice?

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Sceal

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Re: Sex in my marriage possible Trigger warning
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2017, 05:49:07 AM »
Dear eyessoblue,

This is how I felt during most of my longest abusive relationship. I do call it abuse. Being forced to perform sex just so the other person gets what he wants and need is not okay. Even if he isn't physically forcing you, it sounds as if he is guilting you. Being repeatedly reminded of your past traumas during each act, I'd say this is just as traumatizing.
I am sorry if I am coming off a little strong here. I hope I'm not too harsh or presumptious.
I do know that men mostly show their affection through sex, and can feel rejected if they can't have it. But that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to say no.
You should be allowed to say no to a hug, a handshake, a caress - even from your husband, mother, child, friend.
Do you want to stay with him? I know a lot of people use couple's therapy, or go to a sexologist to get advice on how to talk about sex with their partner. But you say it's not a topic you talk about with others, so maybe it's not such a good suggestion. Are you able to talk to your husband about what YOU need, and that in no way it reflects on him? To explain in a way that makes him understand how it is making you feel?

Re: Sex in my marriage possible Trigger warning
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2017, 09:22:39 AM »
This is how I felt during most of my longest abusive relationship. I do call it abuse. Being forced to perform sex just so the other person gets what he wants and need is not okay. Even if he isn't physically forcing you, it sounds as if he is guilting you. Being repeatedly reminded of your past traumas during each act, I'd say this is just as traumatizing.
:yeahthat:

And you needn't not fear talking about that stuff here, Eyessoblue. :) We don't judge.
But as Sceal asked, do you enjoy your husband's company? Is he a good partner? If so, talking to him about it is probably the easiest thing to try.
There are some acceptable things you can do to keep your partner happy, but they are SOME things. And I don't think this particular issue partakes in that 'acceptable' range. You shouldn't have to have sex on a daily basis to keep your husband in a good mood. Perhaps you can reassure him that you're never really rejecting him, that you're just giving yourself some rest, giving yourself a little 'me-time' because everyone needs that - doesn't matter who you are.

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Three Roses

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Re: Sex in my marriage possible Trigger warning
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2017, 05:16:48 PM »
My husband also has issues with sex, going without sends him spiraling down a mine shaft of toxic fear and shame, the pain of being ostracized when he was younger. It's one if the trickier balancing acts in our relationship.

While I understand and support him (we've been together 35 years) and know he has issues too, I do not accept being treated badly if I am not able to be sexual without being triggered. I would not allow him to speak roughly to me anymore, or say things to make me feel shame. And, he knows how to talk about his needs now directly, but he hasn't always.

This is the part that worries me for you - that if you don't accommodate him, he calls you names, is angry and gets mentally cruel. That's the abusive and controlling part. I don't have any answers for you but I'm standing with you in spirit.

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Dee

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Re: Sex in my marriage possible Trigger warning
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2017, 01:34:18 AM »

Manipulating a person into sex is not okay. 

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When I was with my ex I felt like the issue was me, because of my past.  I sometimes cried during sex, but I thought that was me too.  I felt like I had to have sex; even if I didn't want to.  If I did say no he wouldn't leave me alone until I gave in.  When I cried, he didn't care.  I sometimes couldn't stand it.  I also felt like his touch made my skin crawl and I would cry and think I can't take it anymore.  As it turns out, that was abuse, and I didn't know.  I never had anyone model a good relationship for me, so how would I know?  I thought that was what marriage was.  I was married 20 years.  There were far more issues though.  He was unbelievably controlling.  He belittled me.  I wasn't allowed friends, money, or even to chose my own clothes.  He read my emails and answered them for me as me.  All the time I had no idea this wasn't right.

End TW

What really hit home is when I ended up into therapy after a spectacular crash.  I told my therapist "I wish my husband would have an affair, so he would leave me alone."  She asked if I loved him, I told her I didn't know.  She said "I don't know if you ever did, but I can tell you right now you don't."  That was what I needed.  It still took more than a year for me to understand my relationship was abusive.  She was gentle and took it slow, asking questions occasionally that made me think.