I suspect I have CPTSD. Maybe I’m just butthurt and taking things too seriously.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there. I suspect I have CPTSD. I went to read a book on childhood trauma out of curiosity and found certain things . . . familiar. But It's nothing compared to many of those more depressing stories, is it?

I was a sensitive kid and I cried easily. When I was a kid, other kids called me names. They kept stealing my things. Other kids always seemed to avoid me. Teachers would stop the bullies but they'd tell me it was wrong to cry. My mom told me the same. So I hid all the pain I had for years.

When I was young as 10 or 11, I got depressed. I'd go for weeks and months barely feeling any happiness. I'd do things like count things I'm grateful for and it would take weeks until I felt any happiness for it. And the slightest feelings of happiness would soon go away.

I'd cry everyday and I wouldn't tell anyone because I thought it was wrong to cry. It'd grow more severe. In my preteen years, I've gotten violent outrages where once I sent someone with a bad leg in need of medical help, my crying would grow as screams and I was filled with an almost constant terror, depression, rage or complete numbness.

I'd spend hours reading what I could on mental health. I've tried more than 50 meditations and everyday mindfulness exercises, did cognitive behavioral therapy for years straight, studied western philosophies on happiness like Stoicism, studied Eastern philosophies on happiness like Buddhism, studied the psychology of positve and negative emotions and much much much more than that.

My dad would always walk away. My mom would get angry at me being emotional. I remember one memory where I didn't want to take a bath because I was exhausted. She'd shout at me at how I'm giving her such a hard time. How I was such a bad kid. And I'd will myself to get up badly and when I couldn't, I was in tears.  I remember that look of utter disdain in her eyes. Over and over again.

Another memory is when I was taken to a therapist. And I remember her saying that I was manipulating my mom with my tantrums and she shouldn't listen to me. I never came back.

It's been a few years since then. I'm now in my last years of highschool. Most of the time I manage to be in a good mood. Years of trying out multiple therapies on my own have done its work. I've gained some passions and hobbies as fascination tends to be my strongest emotion even though everything mace me bored and empty back then. I've managed to get a support system even if before the slightest openess to anyone made me collapse emotionally. I go to a site with free volunteer listeners and many have repeatedly told me I was one of the most determined and wisest they met.

I've gained some friends, even if it took months of a technique called loving kindness meditation to actually make me feel the slightest bit of closeness with anyone. I've decided to try to work towards making good in the world and I set myself to work on that. After months of talking through it, my parents are much more kind.

But sometimes, I still feel intensely depressed and anxious. Something triggers me. And I remember memories ... often the memory of my mom shouting at me. I'd relive the utter anxiety and loneliness I felt. The utter distrust of everyone I knew. And I'd think of everyone who has been and is kind to me and suspect they're all going to turn on me someday. I'd hate myself for not working hard enough, not being intelligent enough, not being physically fit enough, not being kind enough  and so on.I'd repeat memories where people criticized me - even gently or commented on something small - and tell myself that's proof that I'm not enough for myself and others.

And I remember that memory with my mom again. And I remember the kinds of thoughts I had back then.

That I was a bad kid. A really bad kid. And I never tried hard enough to be patient for myself, my mom and others around me. That I was never enough in every single way. That I am utterly useless, obviously worthless and forever weak.


And I think, someone love me. Someone please love me.

[Sceal]

Hi you.

None of us are doctors or psychologists, so we aren't able to really tell you if you are suffering from c-ptsd, ptsd or something else.
But that doesn't mean that you aren't suffering. The pain you describe is heartbreaking, it is. And it seems that you've done alot of work on your own.
Are you able to find a new therapist? I don't know where in the world you live, but maybe it's possible to get a referral to a therapist who has dealt with alot of emotional trauma? Or maybe there are psychiatric-nurses you could talk to? Just having someone to talk to is important and life-saving.

Children who are bullied often feel they deserve the bullying because they have been bad. It's a natural reaction to prevent seeing the whole wide world as bad. It's "easier" to deal with if it's you who is bad compared to every single person around you. But you are enough, we are all enough. I personally relate alot to the feelings for worthlessness, and uselessness. It's a heavy and incredible painful to work twice as hard on everything just in hope that you're able to deserve the love of someone else. Or deserve other people's respect. Or deserve to treat yourself in a good way. But I've been told that we are worth it, all of us. That includes you and me.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, being sensitive doesn't mean you're weak. Have you noticed if you can feel other people's feelings? Like it's easy for you to pick up the atmosphere in the room? And if someone is sad, scared or angry that these emotions inparticular affect you? And it's like you carry their feelings within yourself when you're in the same room? That can be increidble overwhelming.

Having your primary care people often be aggressive or walk away can be quite distressing, and leave really deep wounds. Wounds that affects other area of life - such as being able to connect with other people, trust in yourself and others, feeling safe, and so forth. The good news is that there are ways to get better.

You are worthy of love.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there, Decimal. ^-^ Welcome to the forum. It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm really sorry to hear what's happened to you over the years. How ridiculous it is for teachers to tell their students to stop crying. Yeesh.

Having a bout of depression like that at that age... Goodness, it's so disheartening to hear. Kids are stereotypically supposed to be running around, playing with friends, having no worries and fears. But for some of us, that just wasn't the case. It's sad. :/

I admire your willingness and motivation to seek happiness though, impressive that you've put so much time and thought into that psychological research. It's a very good thing, because the more knowledge you have, the easier it is to recover.

Your experiences in your childhood sound a lot like a classic case of emotional abuse. Your mother telling you you're a bad child, blaming you for things, ignoring your physical needs, not allowing your own expression of emotions. I understand how that all feels.
Your trauma may indicate possibly having CPTSD, though it really depends on the symptoms and how you function from day to day. Human beings are very complex of course, so what you're feeling may be CPTSD, but it could also be something else. I would normally recommend seeing a psychologist but of course I'm not sure if that's a good idea with your mother probably breathing down your neck. I find that psychology sessions are easier to take part in once you're legally independent. However you could also consider seeing a school counselor for a kind of temporary relief if you feel things are ever getting to be a bit too much. I saw a school counselor myself and it was nice to talk to someone who just listened.

I'm not a psychologist, would be cool if I was lol. But in case you haven't read already, this might be a little helpful if you're questioning...
http://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms/
A good portion of us here are self diagnosed because CPTSD isn't in the DSM-5, or perhaps it's just impossible for the individual to see a therapist, stuff like that. But I'd still encourage you to research other possible disorders just to make sure you're not putting any unnecessary labels on yourself.

Hope to hear from you again.

[Kizzie]

Hi Decimal and a warm welcome to OOTS     I come from a home which looked for all intents and purposes "normal" from the outside, but was anything but.  My F was a high functioning alcoholic and my M and B have NPD - both very covert.  I was never physically or sexually abused but emotionally?  Never felt safe, loved, lovable, the list goes on.  It took me a long time to realize and accept I was traumatized because it looked like I had those things, but when I did finally put two and two together I could see how critical, demanding, angry, overbearing, absent ......  my FOO had actually been.  My point is, if all you can remember is your M yelling and you have this underlying feeling  that you  just want someone to love you, perhaps it is time to listen and explore what those voices/feelings are trying to tell you.  There are horrific stories of abuse here, but in the end for any child to be berated, made to feel unlovable, unworthy, a burden, it is all soul crushing for little ones who come to feel they're alone in the world.  It is ok to cry, there is a lot to grieve. 

[Blueberry]

Hi Decimal, 

I'm sorry today I can't read a long post, but your Subject caught my eye. Lots of us think that whatever we suffered wasn't "enough" and that maybe we were taking things too seriously or something. Often because that is what our families told us to excuse their treatment of us. "Can't you take a simple joke??" after making fun of us.

So it sounds as if you are in the right place here. I'll find out better in a few days when I read your post.

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you guys. I really needed that. Really. I've already gotten messages that I can be too hard on myself several times but it really does help to hear it over and over again.

I go to a therapist. Not a therapist for trauma. But occupational therapy for Sensory Processing Disorder. I developed some pretty strong sensitivites with my senses, especially noise. It tends to make me more easily tired than other people and I can get hard on myself with that. Looking around, it turns out that trauma can actually make people more sensitive this way.

A therapist for my trauma though? I'm having trouble trusting therapists really. But I'll consider the idea. I see a school guidance counselor though. She's probably the main reason why I can open up even a little with people in real life. Absolutely non-judgemental, compassionate and humorous at the right times. I don't know what life could be like without her.

Yes, I can be sensitive. I actually find it hard to pick up many social cues and "sensing the atmosphere" in real life but when I do pick it up, it could be overwhelming. It's more managable though.  The loving kindness meditation earlier had some studies made that reported that it cures empathy burnout — making it possible to feel compassion without the hurt.

I went through most of this with a "I literally hate everyone" phase before this honestly, but I've changed dramatically in this area somehow. I was good at logical and solitary based therapies like CBT which emphasizes arguing against negative thoughts but working on empathy, trust and relationships? That was terrifying and it took way way way longer to actually even begin on this area.

My mom's not that bad these days actually. After communicating, she has shown regret (Even crying openly in horror when she first heard this.) and tends to catch herself when she begins to  criticize me. She's gone through her own childhood trauma from what I've heard and it took a toll on her. But from how much she's changed —I really do believe now. . . that she's an imperfect, but loving mom.

My dad? He shows his own ways of caring through action. Like turning on music in the background or leaving my favorite books near when I wake up.  It was hard to notice how subtle his ways of caring was all my life but it's easier to notice these days. Really.

I find it weird how the past can still hurt even if the present is much much much better. Remembering all that as I typed was emotionally burdening. I might have uhh . . . cried for 3 hours straight. . .

But I'm sure I'm healing, no matter how slowly it passes.

Healing, huh? Better late than never . . .

[Kizzie]

If your parents seem to be open to making amends that's wonderful DR.  My only suggestion FWIW is to not slip into minimizing how they behaved toward you in the past, to deny younger you endured trauma/abuse  Telling ourselves we were/are being too sensitive, overly dramatic, etc., can be barriers to recovery and healing. 

Also wanted to suggest (again FWIW) that if you're comfortable with your School Guidance Counselor then she may be all that you need to learn about trust through your relationship with her.  It certainly sounds like you have a real connection with her.   


 

[lexx]

Hi,

I think it takes a lot of guts to look at yourself and talk about your worries (the "maybe it's me?" feeling..)..

I don't know if you have c-ptsd, but I think the feelings of self doubt and the need to repress emotions, good and bad, just to have them come roaring back are very familiar..

My husband is bipolar, and he finds it very difficult to deal with the emotionality of our youngest son. Why? Because he recognises himself in him, and he finds it all the harder not to treat him like he was treated by his own parents..

I think people need to get away from the idea that there is a set level of emotion that is okay or not okay to feel.. the point is that it's there. A weighing scale does absolutely nothing to help people dealing with strong emotions (quite the opposite)..

Whatever "label" you feel does or doesn't apply to you in the end matters less than being able to share what you feel with people who will at least recognise the feelings themselves..

It's sometimes hardest not to judge ourselves way harder than we would judge anyone else..

I hope that you find something that helps you move forward here

[funkytom8]

Hi decimal

I'm inspired by the amount of energy you clearly have put into your journey so far.  I know that doesn't take away the pain. 

I get triggered too -- thats i think what made the cptsd obvious to me.  but i never noticed triggers for years and then in the past year or two ive realized how i go in and out of "well resourced and grounded states" and then into "total funky states" and eventually realized these are "emotional flashbacks" that characterize cptsd. 

you're quite dedicated in your reading, and...well, can i offer you a bit of wish for your safety and happiness over the web?  (sending metta meditatoin vibes your way if thats cool!)

tom

[funkytom8]

Also from what I read in your story, neither of your parents nor other adults at school were emotionally available to you.  Sounds like strong "emotional neglect" which Pete Walker in Complex PTSD the book says is the key creator of CPTSD, emotional neglect with no "good enough" parent...

I'm not a diagnositican but for waht its worth I've come to realize that I've always thought "I never had it THAT BAD" and yet I'm becoming more and more certain that CPTSD fits me - but the key was...I had no EMOTIONAL ADULT in my house.  Mom and dad were present and gave me material needs...they did the best they could but...didn't leave me with that much resources emotoinally -- I lucked out in terms of still somehow being smart (IMO) but emotional intelligence was zero, and is just improving now at in the past few years, I'm early 30s now and have spend some time reading and in therapy. But 5 yearas of therapy stuff before tying everything to the CPTSD (ratehr than "just depressed" etc)

[Andyman73]

Hi DecimalRocket, love that name, btw!

The psychological injuries are what effect us after the bruises, either physical or figurative, heal. See...I thought my childhood was....well...average at best. Never gave it a second thought that in all actuality, my childhood was slightly abnormal. I always thought abused kids were the ones I saw at school looking like they slept in a rag pile and were dirty and had bruises that didn't look like normal kids growing up, kind of bruises. It never occurred to me that being beaten 4-5 times a week, for 6 years, was child abuse. Never mind I couldn't sit without pain for 6 years. I never even took notice that my twin brother was getting about 5% of what I got, and younger brother got none at all. I only remembered this in the past few months. I don't remember any of the ugly things my mom ever said to me, as a kid. I really remember little of my childhood, at all, till this year. All my abuse memories had been suppressed all my life. But they been coming back quite steady since the end of March this year.  Know what else I can't remember? That my mom ever said she loved me that wasn't tied together with some form of punishment. 

And that's just concerning the abuse from my parents. The other stuff....well....

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks for the more recent replies. One of my fears coming into this site was maybe people wouldn't bother to reply. But I've gotten lots of replies for my first post and they're in depth too!

I'm honestly embarassed by the validation, compliments and attention. Especially how you people seem to be wiling to read my long posts as I tend to be afraid that my habit of reflecting deeply on everything is too boring. There's a part of me that still thinks I don't deserve it. I've gotten over many fears. That fear I had that I was going to die of a serious illness even with no symptoms. The fear of the future beyond highschool (Well, almost.) Even that incredibly paranoid fear as a kid that involved thinking someone was going to kill me for being a bad kid.

But my fears around relationships? Around love, trust and open communication? They remain the strongest. I'm pretty solitary and my natural instincts are to be hyperlogical but I figured if most of my pain has to do with relationships, I have to actually start talking to other people more.

I've checked out CPTSD symptoms and other similar mental health problems and it does look like I have CPTSD. The flashbacks. Easily startled. Avoiding reminders of trauma. Unhealthy emotional regulation. Shame of myself. Unhealthy fears around relationships.

I guess one major reason I've considered this more is one, I had someone talk me out of denial and tendency to minimize my suffering in a 2 hour conversation. Second, I found out that I have a lot of supressed emotions physical wise. Much of the mental health treatments I've tried were focused on changing thoughts or accepting emotions but not much emphasis on healing how tense my body is often enough.

I first realized this when I tried Zhan Zhuang recently — Chinese technqiues of standing in particular poses to allow the flow of energy to pass through freely in the body. When I tried it, I began shaking. Shaking was taught to be a sign of release of emotional trauma in the body. When I shook, memories began flowing and emotions I didn't know was even there rose to the surface. Somehow I felt deeply . . . refreshed. I realized I was a lot more traumatized than I was consciously aware of. Even days after,  I still have a lot to shake off.

Haha Tom, metta meditation vibes does sound pretty cool. I'd talk about how I managed to get into a luminous jhana — one of the most advanced stages of meditation or how once I hallucinated in meditation — something that happens to only the most advanced practioners. Hypnogogia. When the body is so relaxed it mimics the dream state of sleep in hallucinations.

But I keep getting ashamed when I say good things about myself or ask for more attention like this. I'm afraid that those feelings are stronger than the little kid in me that's incredibly happy and excited that people would bother listening to me. So haha. . . maybe next time.

[Kizzie]

But I keep getting ashamed when I say good things about myself or ask for more attention like this. I'm afraid that those feelings are stronger than the little kid in me that's incredibly happy and excited that people would bother listening to me.

Maybe you could work on letting younger you enjoy the attention for a little bit longer each time you do get a  response here, and eventually you may find you don't default to shame.  It's amazing what can happen when we start taking better care of the little one inside us     

[DecimalRocket]

But I keep getting ashamed when I say good things about myself or ask for more attention like this. I'm afraid that those feelings are stronger than the little kid in me that's incredibly happy and excited that people would bother listening to me.

Maybe you could work on letting younger you enjoy the attention for a little bit longer each time you do get a  response here, and eventually you may find you don't default to shame.  It's amazing what can happen when we start taking better care of the little one inside us 

I will. I just need to take it slowly and take a break for my anxiety around this sometimes. I've had more than enough painful experiences involved with opening up. But I'll try.

[Blueberry]

I will. I just need to take it slowly and take a break for my anxiety around this sometimes. I've had more than enough painful experiences involved with opening up.

you're practising self-care here.  Taking it slowly is important to us so that we don't get overwhelmed, which can make things even worse. (Been there, done that)