cyber hugs needed!

[helliepig]

Having a bit of a rough day today.
A couple of weekends ago, I spent a weekend at a gestalt therapy group and there was this woman there who triggered me (and I her) and we clashed heads a bit. It really kicked me big time into panic and huge body reactions- heart pounding, terror and wanting to run away and a whole host of overwhelming emotions and confusion. I was terrified of being attacked by the group and appearing out of control and angry and crazy because that's how I feel in conflict. It was so hard to stay with it and it continued apace when I got home, for days....
And anger, at every little thing. It's been so hard to sit with, but gradually I've seen how it flares up as a defence against my shame, my fear, and whenever I feel unheard, unsupported, uncared for, ( which to be honest, is all the time!)
I've realised I've never had anyone to stand up for me. From a nasty sociopathic paedophilic grandma to a highly abusive, bullying scapegoating family to a similar situation in my ex's family ( all alone against them) and also a similar dynamic playing out at work, I've never had any one to turn to, no ally, no wisdom or perspective, no one on my side, no one coming to check i'm ok.
To be honest the last two weeks have been awful, and today is a very low day.
But at least I'm starting to see some patterns - at work one of my partners always has to be in control and either ignores what I say or just goes ahead anyway with what he wants, and the manager just dismisses and lectures me. I've found myself starting to see through their patterns, taking it less personally, and recognising that they will not listen to my pleading or arguments or pointing out what's going on because they are not caring, " people" people and unlike me who wants everyone to be happy, couldn't care less if I was happy so long as they get their own way. Dressed up as being reasonable of course. I realise how I've been replaying old patterns, feeling powerless and seething, unable to be heard and afraid of disapproval and shame.
But now I see how I collude with it, because it doesn't matter if they're angry with me really does it.. they aren't my goddamn family anymore. They don't respect me so why do I try so hard?
So I've decided I need to just hold my boundaries, and refuse to react to their behaviours that push me back into a frustrated voiceless box, Easy enough in theory butInevitably it has brought up more  fear shame and guilt as I break an old pattern and challenge a taboo.
On top of which I'm feeling heartbroken today as finding  this bullied, abandoned part of me has brought a jhuge sack of hopelessness, and loneliness like an icy shard, and I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other today in a way that feels bleak and scary.

I KNOW feeling the pain is the way through, I've done it a trillion times before, but each time it's bad you wonder if you can make it this time, or is this the time you crack into a million lost pieces. And you despair of it ever ever feeling any better.
Breaking taboos, enduring strong emotions, facing the terrible betrayals and abandonment and living in mortal fear of retribution... all a bit much for a Friday

[barbidoll]

I totally understand that fear of being attacked. While I do have two sisters who I can talk to I don't think they quite understand that feeling of being attacked and the anxiety, fear, anger, or anything really that I am feeling and experiencing.  I don't really have friends to turn to either so I feel isolated and alone quite often.  And I understand that need for support and for others to hear you, sympathize and cheer you on when things are rough. So here are some cyberhugs for you: 
I am just beginning to realize my own need for help and how badly my life experiences have affected me so I feel like I don't have a lot to give but I hope you don't give up even when those little voices in your head question whether you can do this. We can fight it. We just need to combat those voices and keep remembering they ate not out voices.

[Andyman73]

 

HP, I would stand with and for you. In a blink of an eye. You too Barbidoll, okay?

[ah]

Hi helliepig,

I'm with you 100%. 10000000%, even.

The emojis won't work properly on my computer (might be related to me once spilling a whole cup of coffee on the keyboard ) so I can't send you proper hugs but I'm thinking them.

Everything you wrote makes sense to me.

It's heart breaking to realize we've never had anyone on our side. I never have either. How could we possibly interpret that in any way except to conclude we're unlovable? It makes so much sense we learnt self hatred as a result. It's the ultimate betrayal of what we had to go through.
So I want to tell you, you have me on your side. Not because of something that you've done or something you did to make me happy, just because you're here and because I relate to you... and I feel similar to you. Your words could be my own.

I collude with people's patterns too, I guess because they're familiar, because it's a dance I know so well. I feel so ashamed at how much I cooperated with them my whole life. I too wonder why I take them so personally, over and over again catching myself treating small situations like life and death. I try to remind myself the reason is it really was a life and death situation in the past. I was in more danger than I give myself credit for.

Fight is so so so hard for me too. I'm so furious with myself over it. I'm a kind hearted quiet person, so being so anxious that I fly into a rage makes me feel so guilty and so filled with self hatred. I'm trying to slowly see that I'm allowed to feel angry. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, they all come from the same place - helplessness and danger. One isn't any worse or better than the other. Fight isn't bad, it's just fight.
Big words though I can't really DO any of it yet.

Sounds like your Friday is so heavy it's too much for one person to carry. If it's okay, I'll take a bit of your load and carry it with you. Every foot you try to put in front of the other will have my foot next to it, trying it out with you, holding some of your burden with you.

[helliepig]

Thankyou for being beautiful people - Barbidoll, Andyman, ah! I loved everyone of those emojis and the invisible ones too. Thank you
I feel humbled that you stopped by and listened and cared. Still feels like something I don't deserve and I am really touched.

"I try to remind myself the reason is it really was a life and death situation in the past. I was in more danger than I give myself credit for"  - spot on! Yes we were and we were made to feel pathetic and wrong for being hurt, upset and then angry when actually we were damned amazing to survive it in anything like one piece -  and we still are. Yes I do the self hatred so well too!

Isn't it scarey how many people out there are hurtful and manipulative and so so ready and willing to recreate the same miserable situation you know so well from your childhood. It still shocks me when the scales fall off your eyes and you see who you partner or colleague or friend really is and how unloving they have been. But then I think I invite them in and duitifully play my part.

Here's to breaking free guys!!
(PS At this point i'm ashamed to say- how do I insert an emoji???)

HP xxx

[lexx]

*hugs*
I need to be in bed, so more later, but I figured I'd add an extra hug real quick..

[helliepig]

thanks lexx, hug gratefully received xx

Well, I managed to go out with some work colleagues last night. I should applaud myself as not so long ago it would be hard to go out period let alone when I'm having a bad time.

But, these girls are all a bit younger than me, all just newly married, young kids. all lovely bright sassy young women. Out of work context I immediately felt so inadequate with them, almost embarrassed that I'd thought I was ok with them at work, in case they could really see who I was all the time I thought I was ok. Ashamed that I don't understand the happy acceptance of life they showed, the belonging and involvement, the mother and sister and brother and people they are hanging out with and belonging to. I didn't understand their easy confidence and vitality and ability to just belong and engage and be - all I could think about was the untidy lonely emptiness of my house that day, my struggle to get up, the lonely confusion and crazy stuff about work I'd been battling all day.
It's not a new feeling, I get it a lot. I felt boring invisible and shameful. As if I wasn't welcome or liked. I forced myself to add things to the conversation and I did ok I think but always critical of myself. And underneath I just felt a horrid, familiar shame bleakness and hopeless. The part of me that feels this stuff ( that is usually too hard to bear so I did well sitting with it last night) decided several times during the evening it's hopeless and too much and I no longer should exist. And I felt panicky because I just can't seem to heal enough, can't seem to find my place or get people to love me, or let them love me.

Lately I've been going out a lot more. My therapist said just to try stuff and experience people differently so that's what I've been doing. 100 nights out. I'm at 11!
I've gone to meetup groups for cuddle workshops, pub quizzes and a rock choir. I have enjoyed some of them very much, others not so much. On the face of it, I should be proud because it is not easy for me to do this. Or parts of me at least ( there is a part of me that is very outgoing and loves people and can actually do groups very well) But last night it all felt so pathetic. Because here I am, older than this lot, and I don't know or understand or can do a fraction of what they do and i'm still stuck at baby street. Intimidated and scared of what they do without thinking.
And not only that but I doubt my worth to them now and feel intimidated by their sheer normality and functionality and that makes me even more scared of letting them close to me. It's like the grief of all the absences and losses and bullies is my fault and a shameful shameful thing.
Oh yes and i'm envious of them, but more i'm just tired. Tired of trying to catch up and plug the gaps and try and work out what's missing in me that's still broken and missing and empty. I've worked so hard at this stuff for so so long.
Yes i'm going out more and yes on the outside I guess no one would notice any of this stuff. But inside I feel hopeless, tired, demoralised. I want to get up in the morning and want life to feel enticing or at least ok-  and have things to do that don't seem pathetic to me, that say I belong and I'm "just living" . Rather than searching on meetup for things to do, people to momentariiy share, ways to fill the hole.
My son allows me to feel like that, for a while. But I can't live in him and sometimes I tell him bits of this just so someone knows then feel agonisingly bad that I shouldn't be telling him. But I can't do that pretending * with him, it feels wrong. I keep telling myself I offer him lots of other parts of me too and he is a very settled happy loving and kind lad so I must do enough right by him. I'm allowed someone, right?
How do you ever manage to grieve all this stuff, how do you get to the point it is no longer agonising? It's so hard.

[Blueberry]

 

[barbidoll]

helliepig,
   I could be wrong but I do think we should allow our children to see some of our emotions and some of our vulnerabilities. I have had this unrealistic image of my mom in my head. Of her not faultering despite all we went through. I have been trying to live up to this image and holding a lot in to do it. Looking back now I am pretty sure there had to be moments of her feeling like she was going to break. I know once we were all grown she finally sought therapy for herself. I wish she had done it sooner. I wish I had seen just a little bit of her emotions so that I had permission to be that an emotional human being instead of feeling like I have to bury it all to take the next step. I don't know if that makes sense at all. You say your son is happy and healthy so yes you must be doing something right. I have had my parenting attacked so much that I have to remind myself that I have a grown child in college and working so I must have done right by her. 
  As far when it stops being agonizing I have no idea but I wanted to give you my parenting take because I know how easy it is to beat ourselves up over our parenting, especially when we have been told many times how wrong we are. 

[helliepig]

That was good to read Barbidoll and makes such sense. It's so hard getting a perspective on how you're doing as a parent and then there's all the cPTSD shame and confusion on top. And guilt.It is just hard being the parent when your own inner child is in so much pain.

I do agree with what you're saying completely. I guess I let him know when I'm struggling but he sees me get up and fight and come back and sees what I achieve on the days I feel better.. We talk about emotions and difficult things which can only help him I suppose.
I always vowed to treat him as I'd like to be treated and sometimes I think I've done better with having a total absence  of role models and just relying on first principles. I suppose I'll never know how much my difficulties have helped or hindered him  - I suppose with all upbringings, it's swings and roundabouts.

All I want is that he never suffers like I do.  I suppose he knows he is deeply loved and I am there for him whatever, so in that way at least he never will and maybe that's the only bit we have control over anyway with our kids.

[Andyman73]

Just wanted to send some hugs for ah, if that's okay.


And if okay we can all do a group hug with Helliepig?

[helliepig]

thanks! I'll join in too xx

[Andyman73]

thanks! I'll join in too xx

Awesome!!!! 

[sanmagic7]

i'm in!

       

[Andyman73]

Here's a few more for you, helliepig!