TRIGGER warning; questions about/for survivors of violent crime, war etc.

[lexx]

Hi..

I know it's probably not the most common, but could there be categories for survivors of violent crime, war, etc?

I know, C-PTSD is about long term trauma, so violent crime might not appear to fit that mold, but crimes like kidnappings and homicide tend to occur *within* families.

Husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, children, etc.  You get the picture.. These types of things are usually not actually committed by strangers (it does happen, but family is much more common)..

These kinds of experiences tend to be the kind that turn a lot of victims into the next generation of perpetrators, so families tend to be very toxic.
They tend to have more than one disfunctional person in it, more than one abuser, more than one instance of violence, and a whole lot of skeletons in the closet..

Some people coming here may have grown up in war zones.

Some survivors of ethnic cleansing..

Some victims of child sex trafficking rings..

I don't think anyone here will be really surprised that it is very, very hard to fit into "normal" society after.. or that we have C-PTSD..

I really don't mean to trigger anyone, but I also know I'm not the only one with this kind of background.

It's very hard to talk about this, not in the last place because it's really hard not to end up making people feel very defensive (or end up being the defensive one ourselves..)

We *all* feel guilt and doubt about the things that happened to us. It's a sensitive spot that has *everything* to do with being traumatized in the first place, so it's really hard not to end up trying to "justify" why we hurt so bloody much..

I've dealt with my life by pretty much not talking about it outside of therapy, and very few people know my story, but it still does effect me just the same.

People aren't as a rule very compassionate about things they don't understand, and it's hard to understand what you don't know.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I know I don't understand everyone all the time either, but I'm tired of going through this alone. (it's why l was asking about categories..)

I realize how sensitive this is, so I mean this as an honest question that can be answered with "no", and I'll find a different way and place..

Is it okay to talk about these things here, and where would be a safe place to do so?

Thanks..

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, lexx. ^-^ It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I think you are more than welcome to talk about those kind of things here. Every one here has been through all sorts of trauma(s), and the forum is broadly split into childhood and adulthood abuse so you just pick one of those and you're good. If you're going to talk about something specific that's possibly alarming/difficult to read, you can just write "Trigger Warning" above it to indicate to people that you're going to be talking about those kind of things.
I'm not sure if this helped to answer your question/concerns. Hopefully it has but feel free to enquire more!

[ah]

Hi lexx,

Well... for me, what you write makes perfect sense, I grew up in a very abusive home and I also went / go through some of the things you mentioned.

I think you're 100% right, it can be incredibly isolating because these experiences can easily cause c-ptsd and people don't understand any of it. They won't acknowledge it. They'd much rather believe such things couldn't possibly ever happen.

You're not the only one with this background. I am too.
I'm very glad you're here welcome

[Three Roses]

I'm also a survivor of violence, in fact one therapist did not even believe me. This is an excellent suggestion, thanks for bringing it up. Oh, and thanks for joining!

[lexx]

Thank you.. really..

I only just found this forum and ended up writing a few really long replies to people, then trying to rewrite them and end up with posts that really aren't any shorter at all..

I guess I've been needing to talk for a very long time. I survived violent crime as well, the description of the hugely disfunctional family, that's me..

When I left that family behind me and ended up in foster homes etc. I was in therapy, but other than that I pretty much didn't talk about it. How do you talk about things that people watch on tv for entertainment?

I don't make friends easily anyway.. I'm not a social butterfly..

Then, about two years ago something, several somethings, happened that retriggered my PTSD, and then a few months ago I had something that was probably an emotional break down..

I've been a lot rockier emotionally, and I'm having a *much* harder time controlling my emotions.. especially anxiety, and I am trying to figure out how to get back on my feet..

I just really need to talk about this.. I feel like I'm bursting.. thank you for your welcome and for listening.. it's actually really hard to write my life down and not get lost in it.. but it helps to know I can..

I was dealing with an emotional flashback just before I came back to this message.. it means a lot to me to see your messages, and the reminder that I'm not alone.. I wish no one would have to go through any of this, but it helps to know I don't have to do this all alone, or bite my tongue about what I've seen and what I'm going through...

Thanks..

[Dee]

This is certainly a place where you can post and receive support.  And while things are not always the same, people here do understand.  I think of it as, same, but different.

I was never placed in foster care, but I was removed from my home.  I was 17 1/2 and the system failed me and left me without a status.  I was never emancipated either.  I just landed on several couches for a long time. 

I also totally understand the feeling that people watch my life for entertainment.  I never found the words to express that though.  Some of my family in another country found out and while supportive, I did feel like they had a morbid curiosity.  You exactly said it, like my life was is drama and entertainment.  My trauma was prosecuted and is on the internet so I keep becoming more aware of how many people know.  I just had it happen yesterday, again.

You are not alone.

[Kizzie]

I know it's probably not the most common, but could there be categories for survivors of violent crime, war, etc?  I know, C-PTSD is about long term trauma, so violent crime might not appear to fit that mold, but crimes like kidnappings and homicide tend to occur *within* families. Husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, children, etc.  You get the picture.. These types of things are usually not actually committed by strangers (it does happen, but family is much more common). These kinds of experiences tend to be the kind that turn a lot of victims into the next generation of perpetrators, so families tend to be very toxic. They tend to have more than one disfunctional person in it, more than one abuser, more than one instance of violence, and a whole lot of skeletons in the closet..

Some people coming here may have grown up in war zones.  Some survivors of ethnic cleansing..  Some victims of child sex trafficking rings..  I don't think anyone here will be really surprised that it is very, very hard to fit into "normal" society after.. or that we have C-PTSD..

Hi Lexx,

Tks for bringing this up. We do currently have an "Other" sub-forum under "Causes" in the Childhood Development of CPTSD forum with an explanation/examples.  See http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2390.0.  There is also some info here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2575.0.

Having an "Other" sub-forum helps to keep the size of the board down, but the plan was/is to break it down into more specific sub-forums  if/when there were sufficient numbers of members using it and certain causes start to pop up such as war, refugeeism, human trafficking,  homelessness, racism, sexism,  service in policing/emergency services/military - basically any situation in which trauma accumulates and there is little perceived or real opportunity to escape,  and this results in the development of the six symptoms of CPTSD (versus the three associated with PTSD).

So far there hasn't been a lot of use of the "Other" sub-forum and that may be because members don't realize it's there, or because there aren't enough people who recognize that what they have is CPTSD.  What I can do for now is to add some examples in after the word "Other" that may draw more people to it.  If you or anyone has information to add about different causes I can also add that in.

[Andyman73]

lexx,
Not sure exactly about anything, but I want to share a few things about me.
While I have no combat experience, I spent 6 years in the U.S. Marines. I am a 5th generation Veteran. Both my father and his father are combat Veterans. Dad in Vietnam, grandpa in WWII.

Some family history...I only found this stuff out in the past few months...I am a 3rd generation survivor of child abuse/Domestic Violence....on both parents sides. Dad's dad was very young when his father was murdered. Mom's mom was even younger when her own father killed her mother.  Grandma grew up as a foster child. She married another foster child she had met at a dance for teenage foster kids. They are celebrating 70 years this coming weekend. Dad's mom grew up in Germany, was a teen during WWII.

I am 44 years old. My abuse memories were suppressed for 41 years. They started coming back this past January. I am still getting new memories. I have learned that my earliest csa/r took place before I was 3 years old. But I have a notion there may have been earlier csa than that. To date, I have been abused by at least 25 different people, which includes my wife.

I hope that this give you some sense of feeling less like the only one. Okay?
💐

[lexx]

Andy,

I wrote back to you, but then figured my response needs a trigger warning.. so I'll go ahead and post it under the "other" heading.. then leave a link here..

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7878.0

*******************
Kizzie..

"other" didn't seem like the place to talk about my experiences, because umm.. I guess I felt it was meant for "other" things?? Not saying it's the most logical thought *lol* but that was my reaction on seeing that header.. Maybe it's one of the reasons other people didn't put much there either?? I'll be honest.. I am really not sure what else to name that category to get the message across that *this* is where you can post these kinds of experiences...

[Kizzie]

Hi Again Lexx     I changed the sub-forum title to "Other Causes of CPTSD (DViolence, war)" so hopefully that will bring more people there. We'll just keep an eye on it and go from there.

[lexx]

Dee,
Yes, you're so right.. the situations matter less than the feelings we're dealing with, and those we have in common.. As for entertainment.. I try to keep in mind that for most people this is so far from their own life and experiences, my life must seem as unreal to them as theirs does to me.. Everyone knows loss. Everyone knows grief. Everyone knows shame. Everyone knows regret.

They aren't easy feelings to deal with so most people kind of stick them in a corner and throw a doily over top, but it's still there..

Most people seem to understand less why we feel a need to examine and understand it when we could just pretend it's a lamp.. or why when there is someone on the news who suffers, why it effects us so much.. (that might just be me, but I doubt it..)

In some ways a lot of people seem to have an almost childlike mind when it comes to empathy.. it's not that they mean bad, but they don't seem to actually see someone on the news and feel something themselves. I don't understand why they don't, and if it's them or me that needs the most therapy..
Try to keep that in mind though.. they just don't get it.. it doesn't mean they actually mean to grab pop corn when you're trying to deal with trauma...

*hugs*

Thanks..

[lexx]

Thanks Kizzie!

[Elphanigh]

Lexx,

Thank you for writing here. I am so glad you found this place. We don't all have the same back ground but I find we can all, on some level understand the others.

I survived some very violent incidents, and people during the span of my larger abuse. Nothing like war, but some very difficult, violent physical abuse. Also being traded around for goods (very mild version of trafficking).. small group of people traded me back and forth for favors. So I understand some of the violent background

[Rainagain]

Reading this thread made me feel tearful.
I think cptsd builds extra empathy, I certainly feel the pain of others. Maybe its because once you have experienced stuff that is not meant to happen to anyone you feel marked out by fate in some way.
Maybe the empathy is to replace the things that have gone such as trust or the feeling of being safe.

Several people who know my story have said I should write a book, or that it is like a film story.

It is so far away from their experience that it reminds them of a television story, it is weird to think my lived experience reminds people of entertainment.

I've also been told I don't recognise how unbelievable my story is, to me its just stuff that happened but if you live a normal life you can't really imagine living through extreme events I guess.

Having empathy from cptsd means when I see something bad happen to someone I don't just see their pain in the moment, I see the years of questioning themselves, nightmares, unhappy relationships which they will probably have to go through.

Don't know where I'm going with this post......
I may have had a point to make when I started!

[lexx]

Rainagain..
It takes a lot of soul searching to find any kind of peace with what we have seen. A way to create a future that's different from our past. Not everyone finds it, but introspection is a minimum requirement if you do hope to *ever* find it..

I've been thinking about this the last while...

Is it really so surprising that such experiences foster not only emotionally blunted toxic narcisism in some, but also deep empathy, a sense of humor, and true insight in others?

In my case maybe a bit more emotional mess and the ability to eventually figure out "no duh" things XD but hey, it still seems a lot better than their reverse, I suppose..